Ah ally!- you are being too hard on yourself I think.
Lets face it your mum and loooovley sis have handed you a completely skewed view in terms of what is and isnt appropriate behaviour.
Its funny cos I was thinking back to some of my previous friendhips and CAN NOT believe some of the crap I tolerated!.
It takes time though to gauge what we can and cant tolerate and what we should and shouldnt. Its like getting to know oursleves all over again because in the first instance we got to know ourselves through our parents eyes and interactions.
So inevitably also we will start to change and sometimes because of this old friendhips will endure...some wont, because those friends wont readily accept those changes and want to push us back into our old selves.
In terms of new friendhips its ok to get it wrong sometimes. Im sure that kind of thing happens to everybody. Its just with us we are only just learning we 'dont have to' proceed, we can terminate, flex our new found boundaries if we need to.
Go with the flow, trust your instincts and remember the onion analogy...tis another layer!
It was very intersting also what you were saying about your sisters card being abusive. I hadnt thought about it before, but my middle DB has a real thing about my age. He goes on and on and on an on about it.
He almost chokes on his own tears of mirth as he hands me my b'day card each year. (which of course always alludes to my age...and indicates I am infact ancient, past it etc etc) HIL...AIR...E...Arse!.
Realise he is following my mothers lead.
And speaking of mothers lead....God how Im loathing that woman right now....
It appears currently for me that ALL guilt has melted away. Just basically feel happier without her in my life. Just busy mopping up the mess she has left in her wake!
I still feel ambivelent about my father however
Itati- Re your post. I do think you have a lot of anxiety surrounding your mother. Rightly so. SHe has continuously appeared- often out of the blue- and reeked havoc.
I think you feel safer when you get her letters because you still have her in sight to some degree and feel more in control of what she may be intending to do next.
Im really not sure what you can do about it.
Sorry if Ive asked you this before. but have you had counselling? I feel there is a lot of trauma surrounding your mother's reappearances which is currently messing with your mind in a very real way.
For example I remember you writing at one point about having a feeling that she was in the house!
TMSB- Please Keep going on and on. I find your posts very helpful and always look forward to reading them.
Re head space- Yes this is a defiante phase and one I can relate to. It does pass. And I think mine is beginning to. Hurrah!
Although Im also aware that it could come back again (snakes and ladders right ally!)
You have to just feel ready to let go and for each person that is going to have a different time scale.
You will just start at some point to think of them less and yourself and your own life more. You will just find yourself saying ok enough. Its time. And slowly move on.