"But we took you to stately homes" part 3

[oneplusone]

Sorry for starting part 3 if it has already been started but i logged on just now and found the previous thread has reached 1000 posts. And my title is not very inspiring, Ally90, please help!

Acting normal - thanks for posting your list of thoughts from the therapist...very useful please do again this week...I've stopped seeing mine so I keep needing to refresh my memory! Going to do the list of things I needed as a child...

Jingleyjen, Danae, Bearsmom, Roseability, 2beautifulgirls, claricebeansmum, gloriana, crushwitheyeliner, Nab, Matildax, bladela, mampam, mimizan, - how are you doing? You've gone all quiet... And Pages and Sakura...

Mikafan - how is ds?

And if I missed anyone...if you have posted I do remember you...just as soon as I see your name!...Strange how I don't always remember individual stories...but I always have a feeling, usually of sadness, or worry attached to that name...

And hi attila hope you are living well

now must get off mn and get tea on...dd up at 3!...damn only 10 minutes to do it in...

Attila and Ally- Thankyou.

Its a tough time at the moment generally. Im sleep deprived, emotionally and physically exhausted tbh.

True to toxic form MIL is stepping up her game, because I have rumbled her and I think she now realises this.
I just feel tired of fighting with key females in my life, yet I know I have to keep strong on this one for my dcs.

She has taken to by passing me and calling DH. Example Dh announces; ' mum says she 'will' pop around tommorrow.'

My response I say 'calmly' 'no sorry its not convenient will you please call her and tell her that.' This reponse 'from me' takes much energy.

I am realising also how passive aggressive she really.
The point is I have done with her what I had done with my parents for many years.

The other reason Im finding things hard (i think) is because I am finding I am suddenly and shockingly (especially with my father) coming to terms with my parents toxicity in real terms.

I know this sounds odd, but this is all ties in with my 'not being good enough' as Attilla pointed out.

I think I have always believed that it was me (not them) who is fundementally wrong, and damaged. I have worked hard at this concept. You see I think perhaps Its not so much a belief but that It's a concept I have desperately 'needed'.

You see if it 'is' me that is the problem then ultimately that lets them off the hook doesnt it.

This way, I still get to have normal parents (possibly my hearts desire) and all thats left to do is tie myself in knots fixing myself hoping that one day I will then change enough so that I 'am' finally good enough and finally I will become 'acceptable' and lovable to them.
The latter being the missing piece of the jigsaw.

This is a long held belief and one Im finding hard to shake off.

I've had to carry this elaboration around with me and apply it to 'ALL' my relationships. Those who dont 'love' me or respect me are correct, and those who 'do' must be (equally) flawed as I am, or need to be shown just how bad I really am so they come to their senses,leave, and stop trying to scupper me.

Of course the first real stumbling block to this was having ds...because he has the capacity to love me but he can never be flawed in my eyes. So Instead I believe he 'deep down' sees I am flawed, knows I am, and so doesnt actually love me either.

I know somewhere inside me this is all skewed and wrong. Its my inner child that clings to it, and absolutely refuses to let go. This'is' how bad she wants a mum and dad who love/loved her.

I think I now know why my depression began in my teens. Because this was the point in time when I began to realise my parents were not God like after all, but mere mortals.

Fleetingly I presume It dawned on me that the concept that they were in fact abusive. Im sure this 'horrified' me so much that I became depressed in order to hide/protect myself from the emotions that would surely have led me down the path of suicide. And with my parents as guardians, trust me I would have succeeded. I would have known this.

Cant write anymore. But I will be back. this has helped greatly. I must start facing up to my grief at not having the parents 'I' so desperately want.

Hi Smithfield

re all your message and this comment:-

"I must start facing up to my grief at not having the parents 'I' so desperately want".

I think you must and you will in your own time. Counselling will help you through this.

Your parents gave you all this uncertainty and self doubt/loathing; all this you carry to this day. It is NOT you fault that this happened, they failed you miserably as a child and continue to fail you miserably. I think you became depressed in yout teens primarily because of their abject failures in wanting to or being able to parent you properly with resorting to controlling and abusive behaviour.

Sending you many hugs ((((((((((Smithfield))))))))))) and my Missoni styled star!!.

Attila

P.S Well done you also for standing up to passive aggressive MIL. Just keep going with what you are doing.

Hi ally90, thanks for asking of DS1. He's fine now thanks. They did an MRI and found two areas where he'd had bleeds but they were old bleeds which we've known about since he was diagnosed at the age of 2 with hemiplegia so there was no sign of whats been causing his dizzy spells. He missed 3 exams which he'll get grades on from his mocks/teachers predicted grades. He got good news yesterday anyway, he's been given a place at an IT academy he desparately wanted to get into

My mum rang him a few days ago apparently after ringing my mobile which I don't answer if I see its her. I did take her number out of my phone but put it back in under the label "bitch - don't answer" so I know its her. She apparently thinks that because I spoke to her at the hospital 3 weeks ago that things are back to normal. My son soon set her straight on that

And hi attila hope you are living well

Ahh my friend, living well is the best revenge as the song goes. Hey yeah yeah yeah!!!.

Mikafan- So glad to hear your son is ok. I have been thinking of you.

PMSL at-"bitch - don't answer"

Might change my MIL's to 'bonkers alert'.

Atilla- 'living well is the best revenge'...I want this to become my motto too.

What is your recipe for living well? Brought up with the concept that money is the be all and end all. So I need to adopt a healthier one.

On a happy note DD just laughed for the first time just now as I type. Ds tickled her with a duster

Hey everyone, haven't been on this thread for ages! got all tied up with the baby

How is everyone? How are those of you that are still undecided as to whether or not to cut contact coping?

I 'found' my mother on facebook the other day. Some of you may remember I got in contact with my cousin and told her the whole story, well, I was looking for other cousins, typed in my mothers maiden name, and she came up.
Shocking thing is the girl my stepdad left her for when I last spoke to her (the girl was 15 at the time) is on her page as a top friend This girl now has a baby as well, and I know my stepdad apparently had a baby with a young girl??? coincidence?
Anyway seeing that reminded me just how fucked up and seedy the lot of them are, so pleased I'm out of it.

Smithfield, I really felt some stuff when I read your post about coming to terms with the grief of not having the parents you wanted. You don't want to feel the grief so you have been trying to think that they are good and loving people but they have had problems acting that way towards you because of things which are difficult about you.

With my parents I avoid feeling the grief by thinking they have gone through bad things themselves so can't cope like normal people and can't express any feelings or deal with any situation that could be emotional. I feel like I should understand them and feel sorry for them and I am wrong if I don't forgive them or try to help them by keeping in contact. This locks the grief and anger inside me and I don't know how to get it out. If I didn't think about their feelings I would cut contact because contact with them doesn't make me feel good. I am avoiding it at the moment but don't know if I will keep it up.

My mum was an accident for her parents who weren't having a good relationship and only stayed together because they had her. When she was older she was aware that her dad was having an affair with a woman he was teaching how to drive and her mum used to make him take her along to put them off being 'naughty' with each other. Her dad got into terrible shouting tempers (don't know whether there was violence) and expected to be waited on by her (she cooked meals for him from the age of 12). I believe from little things she has said that he sexually abused her as well. She didn't live with her parents a lot of the time but lived with an aunt for some of the time and another relative because her parents were too busy with their work. She then had a back injury (I'm wondering if he did this to her although she says she doesn't know how it happened). She literally couldn't move for long periods of time and missed a lot of school and felt isolated. When I said to her sometime in the last year that my brother could have done with more affection as he was growing up she said she didn't know how to do it as she had never had any herself. As I write this I really feel sorry for her even though she is the one I feel most angry with.

I hardly know anything about my dad's childhood except they were poor, lived through rationing, his dad worked away from home a lot, he had to look after his young sister (big age gap) a lot. My bro said his sister says my dad's father was a very controlling person.

When my parents were trying to have children they had several miscarriages because of my mum's back injury. I get the feeling she kept trying because my dad wanted children even though she had been told and believed she could not carry a baby full term. When I asked her how many miscarriages she said casually "about 8". Eight!!!!!!!!! I imagine being traumatised and grief stricken if I just had one! So they adopted us. From what I've read children who are adopted are resistant to bonding with their adoptive parents because they have an instinct not to trust adults not to abandon them so they shut off their feelings. I can imagine my mum feeling rejected by these babies that weren't even hers.

Would my parents have stopped allowing themselves to feel for their children after the miscarriages to protect themselves against losing another child? They weren't good at expressing themselves before that due to their childhoods anyway.

My birth mother said recently that she wouldn't allow herself to feel too much for me when we met (I was about 23), and she thinks she may have been less expressive with her son than she should have been, because she needed to protect herself in case she lost me all over again (which she did partly by my rejection of her when we had some difficult issues with each other).

So should I be angry with them for not showing love and for avoiding more pain than they had already gone through by ignoring it when they saw signs of abuse or when I told my mum about her dad and my brother???

When I really think about it, my sympathy for them can override my anger and sadness for myself, but the anger and sadness is still in me and I think "what about my feelings?"

I'm really sorry, I didn't know I was going to write all this

acting normal-This locks the grief and anger inside me and I don't know how to get it out.

Exactly.

As for your question;

So should I be angry with them for not showing love and for avoiding more pain than they had already gone through by ignoring it when they saw signs of abuse or when I told my mum about her dad and my brother???

I think a great way to deal with this is to apply the question to your own dcs. You have a story behind your childhood too, but would it lead you to do the things you menton above to your own dc's?

Smithfield/actingnormal, not got much time to post, I feel everything is locked up inside too and don't know when/if I will ever get better/move on. We'll get through it together And v sorry about your MIL Smithfield...so hard when you lose one mum due to abusiveness and then have to fight another one off...it really sucks. Try to give her some welly tho...ring up and tell her its not convenient...sure it will freak her out...however, please take advice with pinch of salt...don't think I would dare do that with my MIL...she's too damn sneaky! Lots of hugs for now xxx

Mikafan - glad nothing more was found, what about the dizzy spells? Hope he enjoys his IT, good profession to get into!...love the 'bitch don't answer'... I used to have the adams family tune playing on mobile when my family rang...

Hi VS, baby must be a couple of months now? I expect we will be seeing your family any day now on Jeremy Kyle...let us know when , and I will let you know when my SIL is on

Glad your living well Attila

Quick update on me...sound so petty dare not do in AIBU...cause my sister and mother made out I was manlike in my physique I dress in dark clothes...this week I was daring! I bought some bright coloured socks! Woo! Big step for me tho...and my feet were always picked on not just by mum and sister but by dad...first time out today in them...at soft play center...the friend I'm distancing myself from 'aren't your feet long and narrow'...exactly what my family said, but they said it in a sneering way. I'm so damn MAD. Try to change myself, feel good about myself and how I look and just be DIFFERENT, even in a small way and I get a blow like that. Now I want to take off my socks whereever I go next and wear black again . Cow. Sure she did not mean it in a horrid way but bit bloody insensitive. AIBU? Now all rush on and tell me I'm not...if only all lifes problems were so minor as this! However I shall get my chin up...put my shoulders back (trying to change posture too!) and keep my lovely new socks on. My feet are no worse and no better than anyone elses!

Right so much for no time to post best do some much neglected Open Uni now...and a cup of tea.

Hugs to all xxxx

It's so good to know other people have similar thoughts and feelings, thank you.

Ally90, I'm really glad you wrote about the socks because things that you think sound petty can have a really big 'triggering' effect.

I feel upset and cross with myself for being upset by a couple of mums in the school playground. A while back I was getting on well with one of them and invited her round for a coffee so our children could play together and we could gossip. Another woman in the group we normally stand around in started acting jealous and I felt sorry for her and invited her round. On the day, she didn't bother coming and said "I didn't think it was a definite arrangement". I thought I'll leave it to her to ask next time. The original woman never invited me back to hers even though she came here twice. Now the two of them seem to be doing things together after school lots of times and not inviting me and the second one seems like she enjoys talking about it in front of me (probably my paranoia). I feel hurt, and I'm thinking "what is wrong with me that neither of you want to do things with me but you do with each other?".

Then my thoughts start escalating - I've never been important to anyone, someone else always comes along who is more important and then I get abandoned, people must be able to see that there is something weird about me and they want to avoid me, I've never fitted in and never will, I'm not normal like everyone else, I don't belong anywhere. Even DH has had phases of ignoring me and not even noticing I exist when he has become fixated on someone else (as a 'friend'). This has happened with 1 man and 2 women, where he has been all over them and hardly knew I was there whenever we were with them. I thought he was only with me because he couldn't get anyone better, for now.

I felt a bit better this morning when I arranged with someone else to meet up after school on Friday and she does invite me back to hers all the time as well. I suppose I should think I don't need those two and not everyone in the world is going to think I'm wonderful, I will still get rejected sometimes even though I feel I can't bear to feel rejected even one more time (birth mother gave me away, felt rejected by cold adoptive parents, different friends through school dropped me to go round with someone else then some of them taunted me, felt so alone and isolated for so long - god I'm so self pitying).

I feel a lot happier these days because I keep mis parentes who are unsupportive and my both enabling and image maintaining at all costs outlaws at arms length. Not seeing them very often hasn't done my DS let alone my own self any harm at all.

BTW BIL is back in nice mode at present towards his parents; am waiting for him to fall out with them again.

Ally - your friend was a silly cow to act the way she did re the socks. With friends like that who needs enemies. Do keep distancing yourself from these vampiure friends who want to sap all your creative juices and energy.

BTW I have some brightly coloured orange stripey socks!!.

Attila x

Hi Ally90, they have no idea basically. He was in hospital for 5 days and he just felt gradually better and better and he's been fine since. They said if it happens again to make an appointment to see the paediatric out-patients team.

hi all i have beeninvited to join you [see my thread about my row being a catalyst] i don't actually know what to say to you all other than that at the minute i just feel very sad and raw.

AN and Ally-

When I was about 7/8 yrs old my mum dropped me off to a dance class. The class wasnt on and so I was left there stranded. A lovely lady and her daughter saw me and asked me to come back to their house and wait until my mum returned. I 'did' recognise this woman as her daughter who was older than me also went to the same dance school.

Their house was just accross from the church hall, so I went with them.

This lady had three daughters, all older than me.

I was so uncomfortable in that house for that hour and I couldnt wait to get out.

The fact is, I realise now, that the atmosphere was completely alien to me. They were 'polite' to each other for a start, which I found odd. Spoke kindly and gently to each other . The girls sat around their mum and intermittently the mother played with one of the girls hair and the girls sat on the arm of the chair with their arm around the mother.

They were also very polite to me Asking me questions and seemed genuinely interested to know more about me.

I found it weird! As I said I really couldnt wait to get out.

The point Im trying to make is, everyone naturally gravitates toward 'environments' in which which feel comfortable.

A person who is not from an abusive family setting would probably not put up with an abusive environment for long.
For us,unfortunately, the 'environments' for us which breed familiarity may well have an edge to them.

So yes friends we are drawn to, coleagues, even extended families etc, may have some of the qualities we recognise from our abusive parents subconciously. Conciously we just see it as clicking or being drawn to someone.

But in some way they are recreating an environment for us that 'we' are comfortable with.

You can see Ive thought about this quite a lot

Any female friend I have made (bar one) turned into my mother at various points, and most of my ex's truned into my father. And each time I never saw it coming.

It interesting because currently Im trying to make some friends and for once Im doing things differently. I continue seeing women that I dont necessarily click with. Its like an experiment, to see how things turn out. Im trying to sit with the oddness or unease it brings up and go with it for now. Im conciously making friends with people, which Ive never done before.

Oh long winded I know.

But in answer to your question Ally No YANBU! Hope you said 'ooow yes, georgous aren't they...wiggling toes'

I have bright pink stripey socks too.

AND I 'really do' have bad feet. they are like hoofs. Yours would be georgeous in comparison I assure you. But you would never see then as I never show them in public, even if I have to sit on them to avoid display.

AND- I have the posture issue too. The hunched over, please dont notice me stoop!

Smithfield, that is really interesting.

It explains what I was thinking about earlier, why my mum would choose a man who was controlling and didn't show much affection to her (because it was what she had been used to and she felt subconsciously 'at home' with it)

It probably explains why I have chosen a man who is kind of authoritative and always convinced he is right and everyone else is a moron (although he does show affection and if I really don't want to be controlled by him I can stop him)

It explains why I was so intensely drawn to another man I was involved with even though he was repressed and too self controlled (except when he drank huge volumes to loosen up). I was upset by him not being communicative enough, yet obsessed with getting through his controlled exterior. I talked about this in therapy, that it was a way of symbolically trying to fix my relationship with my dad. When things went wrong it hurt more than with other men - probably because it reminded me more of my childhood. I did briefly get through his barriers, then he cut me off and it felt like part of me being ripped out. Then I thought "why have I done this to myself".

It explains why I have put up with being treated badly by some people - I wouldn't have noticed it at first because it would have seemed 'normal' to me, as much as someone who had grown up being treated properly would notice and get away from someone like that sooner. This is another reason why bad stuff is not your fault if you couldn't really see it coming and get away in time.

I am starting to realise when people are treating me in a way I don't want to accept any more though and will probably learn to have higher standards of expectation. I had a confrontation with one of DH's woman friends recently and suddenly realised that she does things which a true friend would not do so I don't really want to be 'friends' with her anymore.

I think you are right that to break the habit of expecting cr*p you should consciously think about what you want and consciously look for it and find the people who will be better for you.

Sorry, I know this is probably verbal diarrohea that may not make sense to anyone except me, but it helps me to write it.

Hi Whitebeachesandcoconutoil...may I call you coconutoil? Welcome to the thread

Your thread was so shocking I was discussing it with dh this evening. You should not have to accept behaviour like that from your sister or your parents...in fact I'm still like that about what I read. As for not being sure what to post...well most of us have a good rant now and then...a good ramble occasionally about anything that pops up, current issues, memories that have cropped up...anything..really does not matter. Lots of validation of your experiences to be had tho and support And btw...I do believe you when you say your parents take your sisters side...same here with my family...apparently we were treated equally not all the time....but nothing as jaw dropping as your sister. You must be so hurt your parents did not stand up to her...guess they have issues too...

Actingnormal - I was always self pitying too, apparently don't you believe it! Allow yourself to feel sad about your childhood...I was left out in the playground for 2 years when I moved, just spent playtime walking along the edging of the playground alone or taunted. What we can do now is make different choices of friends. We don't have to have huge amounts of friends, just 1 or 2 good friends and maybe some aquaintences. Smithfield is spot on with her post re attracting similar types. The 'friends' I saw today I feel very comfortable with...BUT they are the one's I see then kick myself afterwards about. I curse for telling them too much about me as then they 'unintentionally' seem to use it against me, and I act v childishly round them, and regret afterwards. The very fact you are becoming more and more self aware about these people is healthy...yes they may be talking about you...but you don't have to WANT to be friends with them...do you really want friends like that? I was about to say do you see them as your family rejecting you again...and yes you do! Stick with your friend you are seeing tomorrow, see how that goes. As Smithfield was saying, or was it Attila we need to learn to trust others...bloody tough...but we are resilient on this thread, we have each other if no one else and if we get rejected we can come here and anaylise it all and get advice as to what went wrong and validate our feelings. I'm seeing my friend tomorrow who I have 'chosen' and she's looking after my dd, first time dd has been away from me or dh and I feel very fortunate...and if I try to boost my ego...well judged in finding this friend and not rejecting her as she is so diffrent to my normal choices. My dd idolises her...and actually...maybe my dd's opinion of her had something to do with my choice... Cross fingers my dd will be fine tomorrow...and I won't feel to bad if she's okay with my friend...will see it as a triumph if she is okay...and if not...well maybe she is not attached enough to my friend yet.

And you think your post was rambly and made no sense (it wasn't and it did )

Attila You come across so strong and decisive...tell me...what is your secret? Glad you are happier tho...we need Attila power here...

Smithfield...bet they are not like hoofs...how could they be? Never understood that one...

Now how about we have a stripy sock club? going to actually have a make over soon...never worn makeup much as I don't know how to put it on...missed out on that phrase of childhood/teenagerhood

Mikafan - Just looked up hemiplegia, its fortunate he has a mum like you, and not a mum like his grandma was to you.

LOL Ally (at person who commented on your feet) but only weird people go around looking at other people's feet, and only sad people go around commenting on other people's feet.
You could have said to her that "yes, but it seems like I can fit both of them in your mouth".

I am so glad that I work full time at the moment in the respect of that I then don't have to deal with trying to make friends and small talk with the other mums at the schoolgate. It seems to me that most of them act a lot worse than their children in terms of whispering in front of other people, deliberately turning their backs on other people, only ever talking to their existing friends etc. etc.
I have come to the conclusion that they are petty people who are just as insecure as me but are handling it in a very bullying way.

Funny you (I think it was you Ally) that you should mention that you tend to give away about your personal life when you meet somebody new. I have the same tendency. I get really nervous, thinking "why are the talking to me, I am a nobody, must give them some interesting information about me". I am getting better at chanting - inside my own head I may add - "they are just like me, trying to make friends, they are probably just as insecure, OH GOOD GOD WOMAN JUST RELAX" .

good morning all of you ally99 yes you may call me coconutoil and thankyou for your kind words. i do feel a little bit better today i still feel sad but not quite so raw. i am going to go shopping later for our 'cornish' holiday so that will be a good distraction. its bitterseewt really i feel sad that i am not shopping to go to parents but i am looking forward to spending lazy days with my little man and his wonderful dad

Ally- because they go clip clop, when I walk.

re bullying- I was always bullied as a kid too. I read somewhere that bullies home in on kids who have no one to tell. It's as though kids from abusive families give off a scent. But I would also imagine that it is also because in effect the child is bullied at home and so its another 'norm' in a way, and just puts up with it.

coconutoil-I read your OP and was . It must be so difficult to deal with emotions around this. I know how it feels because my parents also have favourites.
You will have conflicting emotions because Im sure part of you wants to be loved and accepted by both your parents and your sister and just have normal interactions with them as other families seem to.
Instead, it seems, they (your parents) have encouraged/set up a battleground for you and your sister to exist in.
Do you think your parents are replicating relationships from their own past and projecting them on to yourself and your sister?

---

Well I had my last session, last night. I blubbed like a baby afterwards. I never for a moment thought Id formed any attatchment to this woman. Yet its seems I did.
I do have an option of emailing her, but I do feel in the long run I might need face to face contact with someone. I dread having to rebuild a relationship with another counsellor though.

For the time being Im going to replace the session with swimming.
I need to release this anger somehow and think exercise is the way to go.
I normally deal with my emotions by ignoring them, entirely and then trying to soothe myself with food or shopping. This self soothing (pre babies) used to include getting steaming drunk. Always felt better after a drinking session. Now Im a responsible parent I need to find more positive forms of release.

SO thought we could swop some ideas. How do you all think you manage to release you energy or anger? Is it positive or negative. How effective is it for you?

coconutoil- Also wanted to say your parents are making excuses for your sister. Her behaviour is not in any way acceptable. Ill or not.

Enjoy your shopping trip!

"You come across so strong and decisive...tell me...what is your secret? Glad you are happier tho...we need Attila power here.."

Hi Ally

Its taken me years to get to where I am now on a more even keel.
I did two things:-

1. hit 40 . My attitude changed, I thought I am not carrying so much emotional crap around anymore due to them. They can see DS but if they choose not to for whatever reason its up to them. I am not responsible for their actions. The most important thing has been and continues to be my own family unit.
2. Put some more emotional distance between mis parentes and myself. We don't speak every day now and see each other as and when.

The only real blot on the horizon now is both outlaws, particularly MIL. Again I maintain distance when possible. My DH, bless his heart, can see little wrong is his enabling, personality bypassed, maintain image (all built on sand) at all costs Mother wrong!. Been conditioned by her you see; his Dad I feel has remained emotionally absent (and sidelined by her) throughout their entire life together. She thus has ruled the roost completely and the dysfunction now in their house (with BIL still living there) is all too apparant; it hits you like stale air when you walk in there. My DH I feel is more "normal" and less affected by their dysfunction primarily and only because he left that home the first chance he got!. I once told him that if I had lived in a house like that I would have left when I was a teenager!. Also he does not give them (particularly BIL) much thought.

Attila power!!

Smithfield your earlier post about finding environments we are comfortable with is so true!

I had always gravitated towards families that were dysfunctional, friends were always messed up in some way or another, ex-bf's have quite often been similar to Step-dad and even when not, I've pushed them to be more horrible!
DP's family is nothing like this though, and even though we have been together a couple of years and I really like them, I still feel on my guard around them.
Am really awful at accepting presents too, as I never got any, so I don't know how you're meant to react and that always makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Ally90, he's 10 weeks old now, a little darling, and so dependant. It does make me wonder how on earth our parents were all able to go through this period of 'new baby' and come out the other side so bitter.

Woah, coincidence?.
Just got a message from my XP's sister, apparently my mother has found her on genes reunited through my daughter's name and has emailed her saying she wants to be in contact with me because she misses me.
Yes, of course, misses me so much that she hasn't found me on facebook, or friends reunited, or any of the other websites I'm on.
My name is that unusually spelt if you google it about 3 of my profiles come up!