"But we took you to stately homes" part 3

[oneplusone]

Sorry for starting part 3 if it has already been started but i logged on just now and found the previous thread has reached 1000 posts. And my title is not very inspiring, Ally90, please help!

Podmog, hope you are feeling better today. Glad the therapy is useful. Do your parents have any idea that it is not good to say they are coming and then not turn up without telling you or are they oblivious? Strange.
What you said about being scared of not being strong enough to stand up to them I recognise. When I've seen my parents and not said what I am really thinking and just acted nice and polite I get cross with myself after and dislike myself because I feel like I've regressed while I've been with them from the more confident person I think I am in my life away from them. Something about them makes me feel inferior and inarticulate and unintelligent and not knowledgeable enough.
You don't have to see them if you don't want to do you? Can you just have excuses ready if they ask to meet up? That's what I'm going to do for the moment because I can't face seeing mine for a while.
That thing about it being easier to be angry with god, I don't know if this is similar but I had a big argument with DH and a woman recently and he shouted and swore at me. I found it so hard to accept that he had been so horrible to me so I lashed out most of my anger onto her when she had probably done less wrong than him.

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Wow we are quiet lately aren't we .

Just wondering how everyone coped with fathers day. How did you all manage your emotions?

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Don't want you to go ignored Smithfield.

Managed fine. We turned it into Father's weekend and I just focused on him.

However just after he went to his concert on Saturday I got a phonecall to say that his granny has passed away. So I will probably stay low for a wee while, as she will be missed by all of us.

I sent my dad a card because I would have felt too guilty if I didn't but it felt really weird, like I didn't mean it.

The phone rang Sunday morning and his number was on the display. I just couldn't answer it, I just don't feel like I can cope with talking to my parents at the moment.

He left an answerphone message to say thank you for the card. He sounded cheerful, like he was trying to be cheerful, but I felt I could hear sadness in his voice. It made me feel really sad. I had an urge to phone him and make it all better somehow. I have such conflicting feelings.

It struck me that I noticed and cared about his feelings even when he was trying to hide them, yet he never noticed my feelings or tried to make me feel better my whole life! So I feel angry as well.

How do you deal with anger towards someone when you feel sorry for them at the same time? I see my parents as isolated and lonely with a deep hidden sadness from something in their lives (even though they see people all the time in quite a shallow non-bonding sense). I would like to see them get some kind of help and feel better (although they would never go to therapy), but I don't think I could do anything to help them because it hurts me to be around them too much.

I don't yet know how to deal with the guilt I feel for cutting off from them in my head and for hardly ever seeing them (maybe 3 times a year) or talking to them (they phone maybe once every 2 months, I never phone them). But why should I care about them when I feel they failed me as parents?

Hi Smithfield...no problems with fathers day...never believed in that or mothers day and would not have noticed them but for harrassment from my mother and sister to do something...so just a pleasant day without harrassment

Actingnormal. You sound like me...desparately sad for what my father is and sometimes sad for my mother, sad that they don't ahve contact with me or my dd, BUT still hold them responsible for their behaviour as parents. I do somehow manage to separate out the anger and sadness. I too want to help them, but like you I just can't help them AND myself...I would just get sucked in again which would not be healthy for me, dd or dh so best to leave them to it and hope that one day they will seek therapy, however like your parents...pigs will fly first I guess. I think I feel sadness most for their childhoods...its easier to feel sad for them as children and angry with them as the parents they are. Its a tough one. Just keep in mind, they are responsible for the harm done to you, that has made you put this distance for your own emotional wellbeing. Can you imagine doing this with parents that accepted and loved you for who you are?

Useful things my therapist said:

• What you feel about something may not be true. If a baby is constantly told that frogs are magical and if you have one wonderful things will happen, when the baby grows up although he/she knows logically that frogs are not magical, when he/she is in the presence of a frog he/she is likely to feel great joy! We have to spend time unlearning unhelpful things which our parents taught us when we were children and believed everything they said was true.

• A therapist wrote in a newspaper about a 37 yr old single woman who was very attached to her 2 cats. She had several failed relationships but wanted to find a man to have children with. She had a mental checklist of what she wanted in a man. She found a man who ticked all the boxes, who wanted to marry her and she wanted to marry him, but then she discovered he was badly allergic to cats. The moral of the story is that you can't have everything but you can have a lot of what you want if you put up with/do without a few things. If your marriage is not perfect but it's ok then don't give up on it. (He assures me that nobody has a perfect relationship although they probably think it is when they are in the in love first stage and then they decide to stay together when this passes if there are more good things than bad and they feel they can live with the bad things in order to have the good things. I bet this seems obvious but it wasn't to me!

• Make a list of what you needed as a child and never got, then think of ways to give these things to your children. If you don't consciously think about it you are in danger of carrying on the same parenting mistakes your parents made because they were your role models and it is all in your subconscious.

• Let yourself feel your emotions, honour them, and use them as signposts to where you need to go/what you need to do next in your life otherwise you will go in the wrong direction. If you are anxious think about what you are scared of. If you are angry think about who has violated you. If you are sad think about what or who you have lost.

DH asks me after every session "what nuggets of wisdom did you get today for my £45?" so these are the bits I tell him about and thought I would share with you all too. It often makes me laugh even though it isn't supposed to be funny.

Guys- could you have a look at this thread [http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/554135 here]

More- think you have already seen it.

Do hope your hubby and yoursleves are baring up btw after you sad loss. xx

Smithfield/More...what has happened? link?

((((hugs))))

Ally xxx

I have saved it in my "Watch" here so that I can read it tonight when I get home from work.

We are doing okay, although still sad that she has gone.

It was supposed to be my last session tonight (my therapist is leaving!).

She did not turn up.

I now feel as though none of my sessions meant anything. I can not believe a word this woman has told me because she did not have the honesty or integrity to turn up to our final session or let me know she would not be able to make it.

It was at eight Oclock and I have two young children...she knows this.

My biggest issue has always been trust. And yet again I have been shown I can trust no-one. That I will 'always' be disapointed and hurt by people. That this woman did not SEE ME. She took my money and that was all it was to her.

I know it sounds dramatic but this is such a huge blow. I dont think I can write on here anymore. As this spills into eveything. I dont know that I can believe in anything anymore, I cant trust my own judgment...I have none.... .

But you have helped me, and I don't want you to go.

Remember she could have a valid reason. She could be in hospital. I missed an interview because I went to hospital two days before the interview. I completely forgot about it until I got home 5 days later and found an irate message on my answering machine from the woman that was supposed to have interviewed me. She felt pretty stupid when I finally managed to get back to the phone (I couldn't walk) another week later and apologised and explained why.

It could be a simple misunderstanding. I know it is hard when you feel disappointed but try to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I do know what you are saying. I know my reaction is due to being let down, hurt, disapointed by my parents time and again.

I 'do' hope she is ok.

But...I have an overwhelming feeling she just didnt turn up. Last week she sprung it on me that this would (have been) our last session together. She is moving overseas.

Originally she said that wouldnt happen til mid July. She was halfway through the process of her move and I think may well have decided to go earlier.

I have emailed and text her just to ask if there has been a misunderstanding and is she ok. I doubt I will hear from her again though.

Im just tired of being stuck in this rut, groove...I feel like I have not moved on at all in th process. Im having huge provblems coming to terms with my relationship with my father and no-one to talk to about it with.
I desperately want to move on but feel like this really has set me back.
I was planning to give the therapy a break due to me not earning at the minuite. Its horrible it has ended like this. That last session meant a lot to me, for closure.

I can rationalise it but emotionally I feel stung by it.

Thank you for saying I have helped you More. Not sure how though as I always seem to be asking for help, not giving it.

Ok now I feel really She text me today to reschedule for tommorrow following my text to her. (thank god I wrote a simple Unirate text! Probably thanks to your post More). She says she rang and text my old number.

This has taught me how much I 'expect' people to let me down intentionally. Its horrible that I feel like this and respond as I do though. Like an instantaneous feeling of pain which makes me want to then lash out afterwards because the feelings are too intense.

Problem is I 'do' need to trust people and risk being let down in order to tackle this dont I?

A difficult task. I dont even really trust my DH. I think deep down he cant possibly love me and will leave. I think my son cant possibly love me and so could easily prefer his nanna.

Sorry for the rants.

It is really hard work changing.

I was pulled in to the office yesterday by my boss, and told that someone had complained about me clearing my throat (we are in an open plan office, and I have a throat infection at the moment) too often and too loudly.
Instead of my usual response of going on the defensive and taking it as "so it's true everybody does hate me", I decided to take it as constructive criticism. I said I would think about what more I can do about it (because I honestly don't know what more I can do other than taking my cough medicine, Lemsips etc.) and if they have any suggestions feel free to let me know. I have decided to take the day off to rest and get better in peace and quiet.
I have also decided to try and see it from their point of view, which is that it has got to be extremely annoying sitting in a big open plan office with somebody constantly coughing and spluttering all over the place (I am too sexy for my office, remember Right Said Fred ).

I am really proud of you not sending an irate message to her (More hands over pretty Gold Star to Smithfield).

Smithfield, I'm really sorry that you had this setback. I can imagine feeling exactly the same if it happened to me. I feel like my trust in people is right on the edge and the smallest thing makes me feel like really I have nobody, which feels scary and sad. It isn't your fault you react like this when you are wary because people have broken your trust badly in the past. I feel quite attached to my therapist and don't want to imagine if he went away, I would feel a horrible loss.

The first therapist I had years ago sort of did this to me when I turned up to his office and he had put a note on the door saying he had had to rush out and sorry (I know this isn't as bad as no communication at all though).

Like More, your posts have helped me too as you have a way of making sense of things we ramble on about. I would also be sad if you didn't post anymore.

More - Thanks for the gold star.

Was tempted to continue to be angry at her and say 'NO' to tommorow night but realised I was still in child mode and didnt want to end on that negative note!

You will laugh a little as I sent a simple text and email.
Then read your post and emailed again to say ...'hope your ok!'.

At the time it never 'even occurred to me' that she may have had an emergency, which is quite shocking. It really is 'ALL ABOUT ME' .

But re the coughing thing, yes, I do know we have to be adult about how we 'handle' that niggly corpratey crap.

BUt really people are annoyed about you coughing ?

Sorry probably not helping you to stay in adult mode with that remark (goes away scratching head whilst muttering and tutting )

Acting Normal- Thanks. Cross posted I think.
Your posts help me immensley too. I really feel like Im at the same stage as you and you often express when you write what I am feeling inside.
To know someone else is feeling the same really helps. Even though it would be better of course if neither of us felt as we do.! x

Was wondering if any of you could advise this lady re her partner's relationship with his parents:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/555118

It is probably just me but I can't open it AttilaTheMeerkat.

Got it, suddenly clicked which one you might have meant and compared the numbers
I did see it, that is why I started this thread.

Hi Smithfield,

Re your comments:-

"Problem is I 'do' need to trust people and risk being let down in order to tackle this dont I?

Yes you do. I am glad to read that since then your counsellor has made contact. Not everyone will let you down but your parents, the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally did and extremely badly. I think you will get past this lack of faith eventually but it will take time.

"I dont even really trust my DH. I think deep down he cant possibly love me and will leave. I think my son cant possibly love me and so could easily prefer his nanna"

Again this stems from not feeling "good enough". Again your parents planted these seeds of doubt in your own childhood. A counsellor wil help you talk through and counteract those feelings properly. Of course you are "good enough" but you need to truly believe that for your own self. You need to love your own self and realise that you are indeed good enough.

I hope you find another counsellor soon if you so choose (BACP have counsellors)and I also give you a star in the style of Missoni (multi coloured with wavy lines).

Please continue to post here too!!.

I want you to keep posting Smithfield I would miss your posts if you didn't...and I don't experience you asking for help all the time...I see you as giving of yourself too much at times...strange how different our perceptions of ourselves are...