"But we took you to stately homes" part 3

[oneplusone]

Sorry for starting part 3 if it has already been started but i logged on just now and found the previous thread has reached 1000 posts. And my title is not very inspiring, Ally90, please help!

ActingNormal, I used to post under the name Maisemor, but changed it to More.

Thank you for asking. I am doing really well at the moment. Busy, with work and family, but happy busy, and having been thinking about my "family" for a long time now, which is good. I am getting so much better at just concentrating on being happy and being happy with what I have (i.e. cheap place to rent, we have paid off a massive debt, so we can start thinking about me being a sahm, my children are gorgeous, I have a wonderful hubby). It has taken a while, but I really feel that I am changing for the better and that I can break my family's negative circle.

I am not writing all this to make you feel bad, but to give you hope that it does get better if you want it to and if you believe that you can change it.

More- That is good to hear. How long do you think it took 'you' to reach this point? And do you have any contact with your parents? If you dont do you ever (even now) have moments of guilt for not having that contact?
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I am suffering chronically from the 'FOG' at the moment. I have had a churning stomach constantly over the past several days to the point where I feel pysically sick.

And ally you mentioned a while back the ..'and why aren't they chasing/calling me?'....I now have that.

I realised the other day it has been SIX months, since I spoke to either my mother or my father. I never ever imagined I would not have contact with them for this amount of time.

My father has not even attempted any real contact with me for the entire 6 months. I am obviously not important to him, and neither are my dc's

I guess at the same time it has hit me that dd is three months and they have never met her.

I ALMOST sent my mother her birthday cards (from me and 1 from ds) along with a picture of dd. Yet Something prevented me from sending it.

I think probably because it was late anyway, I kind of thought 'what's the point?' It wont be 'good enough' for her that I sent anything at all.

So the cards are gathering dust on a shelf instead.

She would not have been 'pleased'to recieve the cards at all, on the contrary She would have complained about it 'being' late. Or that I 'only' sent a card and nothing else.

You get the picture.

Anyway, I digress, I think the realisation of the length of time passed has made me feel there is no going back now.

I will never be forgiven for what I have done (especially by mother). I will from here on in, whatever the outcome, be made to pay.

All of this has been accentuated im sure by MIL's recent behaviour. Having stood up to her a couple of times recently I have been made to pay.
An obvious frost had descended along with zero communication or contact. All contact strictly through DH.
That was until, I dropped round with dd on Monday, to give her the time she obviously craved with her, and now she is back to being her kindly self.
So in otherwords the same witholding/punishing cycles for bad girls who dont do as they are told.

And yet there must be something in me atm that 'wants' to please this woman and not have her withold from me?

So maybe by feeling this rejection through her Im also experiencing 'physically' the current situation with my own family.

I know I should follow my own advice and say (this will pass) but I feel utterly alone. So alone. And so damn tired.
I can not help but feel maybe there is something in me that deserves to be alone.

Hi smithfield, thank you for asking after me!

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult patch at the moment. Problems with MIL's are hard, I have mentioned my own problems on this thread. All I can say is you need to look after yourself and ensure your MIL knows your boundaries and respects them. I have set some boundaries with my MIL but only time will tell if she is able to respect them. I think my situation is easier as I live quite far away from my in laws and so only see them occasionally.

With regard to the non contact with your parents; from my own experience you are in the early stages and will probably go through a series of ups and downs before you finally reach a stage where you are comfortable with the situation and feel it is the right thing for you. I haven't seen my parents for nearly 2 years and it has been very hard and lonely at times even though they were never really my parents anyway IYKWIM. I think over time i have got used to being on my own and am able to deal with it better. But i have absolutely no regrets or guilt over what I have done. And the fact that my parents, in all this time, have not found it in themselves to contact me in some way to say they are truly sorry for all the hurt and pain they have caused me and that they love me, proves to me that i have done the right thing and that what i have suspected all along is in fact true: that they do not love me.

I did decide to have a break from this thread as I felt i was 'addicted' to it and wasn't switching off from it at all. So I went 'cold turkey' for a while.

I can't remember where I left off when i last posted but I'm sure it must have been to do with my sisters. Anyway the current situation is that i am in contact with both of them and have set a date to meet with my middle sister and talk about all this stuff and how it affects our relationship. My youngest sister's first baby is due next week. We hadn't been in contact for months and although i had been pretending to myself that i didn't care (ie acting tough like i've always done when my feelings have been hurt) inside i was feeling very upset and unfairly rejected by her. Anyway, i had a phone call from her completely out of the blue a few weeks ago and we had a 'normal' chat. It turned out she had emailed me a while ago but i hadn't recieved it. We are now going to talk once she is settled after having the baby (I think this could take 6 months at least) but for the time being we are in touch and she wants me to visit after she's had teh baby so things are looking positive.

BUT I have changed in that i no longer feel that my happiness depends on whether i am in contact with my sisters or not which is how i have felt until very recently. I think i have had quite a few 'realisations' about both of my sisters and can now see them for who they really are; I am no longer fooled by the illusion of them painted by my parents. I have realised that whilst my sisters were totally brainwashed by the picture of me (as the 'bad', 'ungrateful', 'hateful', child) which was painted by my parents, I was equally as brainwashed by the picture painted of my sisters by my parents. I have gradually come to see my sisters for who they really are and this has somehow eradicated my longing for a close relationship with them.

I have yet to see how things will turn out with them until after we have had our 'talks' but ultimately, if things don't work out with them at this moment in time i know i won't be devastated. Perhaps a little sad and upset but I know I can and will still be happy with myself and my life.

I really feel at the moment that I am starting to look forwards more rather than backwards and inwards although I am sure I will never completely stop this process of self reflection, but as Alice Miller says, with time, you spend less resources on all this 'stuff' and it consumes you less.

I hope you are continuing to read whichever books you feel help you the most and seeing a suitable therapist and allowing yourself time to reflect and feel your emotions. This is a long, slow and painful journey, but it does get easier i have found. Be true to yourself and your feelings is the best advice i can give you.

Hi Actingnormal, i read your post of 15 may and totally understand how you feel, especially about feeling like your therapist is the only person totally on your side. That's how i feel about my therapist and it makes me cry to think that I am 38 years old and this is the first time in my life that i have felt any sort of support and acceptance of my feelings.

About your most recent post, all i can say is that i know how you feel about feeling scared if you make people angry with you. That's how i felt about making my sisters angry with me by cutting off my parents. They were angry with me for a while and it really hurt and distressed me. But over time, their anger seems to have subsided and they are more open to talking, listening to and understanding me. That is my experience; I have only just come back to this thread so i haven't read all your posts so i don't feel it would be right to say too much to you without reading all your previous posts.

Thank you though for your comments, I have been through a huge amount of emotional pain and turmoil, BUT I have survived and right now feel a lot stronger and more at peace with myself than I have for a long time.

Hi Acting Normal,
Good for you. I think the relief and feeling of 'renewal' comes from the strength (self-strength) of your backbone not only of declaring independence (words) but by acting independent. Whatever else you have tried that didn't work... I believe this is the real answer-the freight train of emotional trash from our childhoods really needs to be dealt with and you are doing it.
This all may be alien territory for your dh, so don't read too much into his reactions. Although imho it is disappointing that he'd disconnect from the situation when just his presence with you would mean so much. I know that sounded judgmental, but it is just an observation. He may be apprehensive of the change in you.
Good luck this weekend.

After I had stood up to my parents for the first time (32 years old), I felt really shakey, but like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I just knew that I had done the right thing. Just like you probably feel.

Matildax

In case you are still reading MN, I have been trying to email you but getting worried my emails not getting through! This happened not long ago with a friend whose email account seemed to think I was spam! I must talk like a "spammer". Please will you check if my emails are in your Junk folder?

Acting Normal- How did it go this weekend?

Smithfield sorry for not answering before, we have been busy with campingtrips (computer free)and playing outside.

I have not had any contact with my parents for over 2 years (their choice not mine).
I no longer feel guilty, as I feel I have done everything I can to get the "problems" between us sorted and they have refused to meet in the middle, wanting it all their way or no way (as it would seem).

Hi Guys, Hope your all well. Can I have a quick opinion poll please. For those of you who remember my original posts earlier this year, I've had no contact with my parents since last December (and its been bliss). Problem is my DS1 has been admitted to hospital and I don't know whether I should tell them. If I did they'd be straight there at the hospital and I really don't want to see them and have a confrontation with them. He sees them every sunday so he does have contact with them so I suppose I should really tell them. I'm in a quandry and don't know what to do. This is all stressful enough as it is without all this on top (and I had to see my ex DH today for the first time in 4 years)

ActingNormal, it sounds like you are going through some mega changes here, and you are handling them really well. I am glad that your husband decided to stay over the weekend.

Your mother is very likely ignoring it, and thinks that by not talking about it you will eventually "get over it" and everything will be back to (her)"normal".

Stay strong, and talk the issue to death, with your husband (he did marry you which means in sickness and in health), us on mumsnet, close friends, and therapist.

Mikafan. Sorry about your son, I hope it is nothing too serious and that he will get better again soon.

I think I might let them (your parents) know either by letter or through dh or friend.

I would however say that you request that they only visit once (for your boy's sake, he will probaby wonder why his grandparents don't visit) on a time where you aren't there. If they show up at another time, when you are there, remember that if they don't leave when you ask them to the hospital does have security guards that can be assist.

More- Thanks for getting back to me re previous post. Hope you enjoyed your camping

AC- Ive noticed this with my brother (the only sibling I currently have contact with) He has never asked my 'why' Ive had not contact with mum and das. He acts like nothings happened. Its weird to say the least. Once again its about protecting and honoring 'their' needs. But you have needs too and are entitled to try and get those needs met. So as More said keep talking.

Mikafan- What a difficult situation. Really feel for you. Hope your ds is ok?
I think I agree with More. Im just thinking about your ds' need to feel his GPs care enough to visit. But I would arrange for this to happen when you are not there if that is possible. Would your dh arrange this with them for you? Would they honour your request for a specific visiting time if he did?

Well I had the misfortune of seeing my "mother" today. It started off poorly as she arrived an hour earlier than I'd told her which wound me up from the start. We had a few words and I told her I didn't want to talk to her and just to carry on visiting my DS which she did, then started including me in the conversation which I did reply to but didn't instigate any subjects with her. When I said I was leaving she asked if I wanted to go for a coffee with her which I refused. I sat there thinking "I can't believe how much I hate this woman".

DS still not brilliant. He had a MRI scan yesterday and we got the very inconclusive results today i.e. there are 2 abnormal areas on his brain but they don't know the cause of them and he has to now see a neurologist tomorrow sometime

Hope all goes well with neurologist Mikafan.

Re your mother, not good that she came an hour early, it may have been inconvenient for you or ds. Really feel for you being in contact with your mother at this time if it helps...when she calls round, remember that there are people out there supporting and thinking of you

Sending a hot fluffy pile of towels your way...

allyxx

Mikafan - I wish I had something useful to say apart from good luck and I hope your DS is ok - he is the important one, try to not even think about your mother (easy to say I know).

Matildax - if you are reading this, I can't believe it has happened again with the emails not getting through. If you are clicking on Outlook Express or similar instead of going onto internet and going to hotmail page and logging in, then try doing it the internet way instead of the other way.

I've just been to therapist and loads of 'venom' poured out of me over how pathetic I think my parents are for not reacting to my letter and how revolted I feel by the thought of them being near me and how although I want them to forgive my bro it made me angry that my mum was trying to be 'cuddly' with him which she doesn't normally do after she knows what he did to me. It really seems like she doesn't give a sh*t about me. She couldn't even be bothered to say something as simple as "I read your letter", she said absolutely nothing about it. So it makes them a bit uncomfortable to talk about things, well how 'uncomfortable' do they think I felt when I was being abused and the effects of that throughout my life!

I said I didn't care how they reacted to the letters and I don't, I enjoy feeling this anger, it feels healthy to feel it. Maybe it will help counteract the guilt I feel at the thought of having hurt them or that I might hurt them because I don't know if I can stand seeing them in the future.

I think I am mainly 'cured' but Therapist doesn't agree - is he just trying to make more money? Should I trust him?

I told him how well my bro reacted to my letter but we still argued over the fact that Therapist thinks he is still a danger to me. He thinks bro has just learned what all the right things to say are but that his thoughts won't have changed.

He said I seem to be always searching for something and if I think I'll find it in my bro I won't. Him saying that makes me angry, I don't know why. We talked about how I like binge drinking and it makes me sick but still doesn't feel like enough. And how I crave more and more caffeine during the day, and how if I didn't control myself I would go out and sleep with anyone who would and it would still never feel like enough. I'm never going to find this thing I'm looking for and it makes me angry. I don't even know what the thing is. Therapist thinks it is to do with adoption. Will any amount of talking about it make a difference?

Sorry about all the ranting, it makes me feel guilty but also makes me feel less pent up.

7 affects of adoption seems to be a common theme when I googled. Not much mention of needing to fill the emptiness. But if you think about it, we should all be filled with knowing emotionally that we are wanted and loved and accepted. I imagine if you are adopted that would take a real blow to your self-image/esteem/sense of self that you were given to another family. Perhaps there are some self help books on amazon specifically about the affects of adoption?

Regarding you being cured, I don't think we can be cured, we just go through stages, anger usually masks hurt, so I think in this case your therapist is right.

As for your brother...why do you need a relationship with him? Because he has acknowledged/apologised to you. Because you need another family member as your mother seems to be in some denial and your dad is not doing more to help you move on? I wanted to cling to my dad after I broke contact with my mother and sister, but at the expense of masking his bystanding behaviour and his continued support of my mother, it was just so I would have at least one family member in my life. Whether your brother is genuine or not only time can tell.

Hope your okay...anger is good

allyxx

ActingNormal, do you think that it made you angry because it is true (the thing about you looking for something in your brother that you will never find)?

Please do be careful with yourself around your brother. There is a reason why he is in jail.
Look at yourself, people don't just change overnight. He will not just have changed because he went to jail. He will however (maybe) have picked up no what he needs to say in order to get out quicker.

I also think that we will never be "cured", but we will hopefully find acceptance for our situations (and ourselves) and belief in ourselves that we have made the right decisions, and thereby be able to "move on". If that makes any sense.

It sounds good (to me) that you are enjoying the anger feeling. That you are allowing yourself to enjoy it.

If you want some kind of reaction out of your parents I think you will have to confront them and ask them if they received your letter, however I would not recommend doing it whilst you were still feeling this angry.

A week later and although I am feeling relieved I'm not "cured" as I am feeling loss, vulnerability and fear of being alone. I don't understand why I feel this.

If I cut off from people who don't treat me properly I'm scared I won't have enough people left. This is illogical if I apply maths but I still feel it. I must still have low self esteem if I think I should take what I can get even if it is substandard because I'm not likely to get anything better. I think my mind is cutting off though and it is hurting temporarily.

I've known my parents were useless for years but it seems to have really hit me when they proved it again last weekend.

This thing I seem to be looking for all the time but don't know what it is. I think I'm looking for something which could fill a gap I feel in myself from not having the close bonds I wanted during childhood. Nothing seems to feel intense or lasting enough to fill it though.

I want to feel contented with what I've got and live a more moderate life. I'm finding it hard to focus on what I've got when I'm preoccupied with thoughts about my parents and brother and it's making me distanced from DH and DCs who are the important ones. Something is still stopping me from putting them out of my mind and I need to find what it is and deal with it. I've got another therapy session tomorrow...

I hope it doesn't seem like I'm saying the same things all the time just in different words. I need to write to get my brain in order.

ActingNormal -you may find this helpful here

Thank you all for useful messages/links.

Saw therapist today and not sure what he said that made such a difference but I feel a bit better and more relaxed now.

It seemed to help when I told him about some of my 'extreme' behaviour during the last few years and he said that I am NOT going to find the thing I am looking for by doing those things and he explained why. I feel calmer when I think I can 'give up' doing those things, but I think it means really accepting that sometimes I will feel pain from accepting that I will probably never find the thing I'm looking for.

The more I think about it, the more I think that thing I keep looking for is something to fill the gap of not having the close bond with a parent that I wanted during childhood. The links in your messages help me understand as well.

I'm going to focus on getting a bit of what I'm looking for from DH and DCs and start doing that method again of writing down a list of everything positive on a bit of paper each day, as each good thing happens, so I can focus on what I have got, not what I haven't. (This method helped me with depression a while back.)

I'm going to avoid contact with my parents for a while, probably a long while, but not tell them I'm doing it, just have excuses ready. I'm not avoiding my bro at the moment but I'm not going to think about him too much or put too much importance on him in my mind. I will try to get what I get from him from other people as well.

That's enough rambling on, sorry, it helps me focus

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