TMSB, I found what you said useful. If I really work at teaching the children to treat each other with respect and never as "fair game" I will feel better because I will be doing something positive to stop the same sort of unhealthy relationship developing between her and DS as between me and bro.
I feel sad that you isolate yourself from people but agree it is important to make sure you trust them before opening yourself up. If people have broken your trust in the past then it is not your fault that you are like this. If you open up to people really gradually and monitor their responses would it be less scary? You seem like the sort of person I would like to be friends with.
To MNers who have said be cautious about my bro - I can see from things he has told me, that people in there do try to say the right things and look good for the parole board and I know I can be too trusting. But I have an instinctival feeling that cutting off would be a bad idea. Because I know him well and from things he has said, I think that we would be in more danger if I made him feel rejected and judged - these are the things which have caused his rage throughout his life. If only I hadn't reunited with him and got close - now I'm not sure I could escape if I wanted to but confused about whether I want our close relationship anymore. I really don't think he would hurt me again (he hasn't for 18 years) or hurt DH or DCs but people have put doubts in my mind and I feel I would be stupid not to think about it.
I am cutting off from all of them in my head though as I really have accepted that my parents aren't going to change so I've given up on trying to have the relationship I wanted with them and I don't care what they think of me anymore. They can't hurt me anymore. This is a relief! I am learning to not care what my bro thinks of me though this is harder for some reason, but this will also be a huge relief.
I really don't want it on my conscience if I hurt them by rejecting them. I think it is perfectly understandable for those of you who are still being hurt by what your relatives do NOW for you to reject them to protect yourself, your DHs and DCs, but in my case I don't feel they are still actively hurting me. If I felt that any of them were TRYING to hurt me now then I would cut off because I won't tolerate it anymore.
I'm thinking I could let them have contact with me very occassionally so I haven't rejected them and just see them as f*cked up people who I am helping, not my mother, father and brother. The purpose of the contact would be so I would have the opportunity to find out more about why they are like they are and help them understand themselves as well because the more I understand people the more I forgive them. I know lots of you (and my therapist) don't seem to think forgiving is the thing to do but I definitely feel better when I am feeling forgiving. I feel less angry and more sorry for them and superior to them and feel the power in the relationship has shifted more to my side.
Also don't we as a society need to understand more what makes people hurt each other and try to prevent it by bringing up our children differently and breaking the chain of victims becoming abusers.
When bro gets out I can take precautions like meeting him in public places without the children (DH doesn't want him round them and I respect his decision as their parent).
I still plan to write letters to them about what they did and how it has made me feel. This is what I want to achieve from it - I want them to know that I think they f*cked up due to THEIR problems and weaknesses and that I think less of them for it but am open to understanding it and forgiving it to some extent the more I find out about what makes them tick. I want them to know that although I will still see them/talk to them occassionally their relationship with me is damaged because of what happened and that is their loss because I now have what I need from DH, DCs and friends. I want them to know that I don't need them. This is quite vengeful and will hurt them but feels more acceptable to me than rejecting them totally.
I think telling them how I feel will really lessen the feeling of suppressed anger - suppressed because of them not wanting me to cause a scene/confrontation. I will feel more important to myself because I think I am important enough to have my feelings heard by them rather than just accepting that they hurt me without saying anything because that would upset them (which is saying their feelings are more important than mine). So you see Kaz33 it is not about me wanting any particular response from them, it is all about how I feel just by the act of telling them. It is extremely unlikely, knowing my family, that they would just say sorry!
Sorry this is so long but it has helped me to write it even if nobody reads it. Please tell me if you think I am being stupid and why though as I find it hard to trust my judgement at the moment.