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Original poster

Christmas conflict after bereavement

65 replies

mummylon2 · 27/08/2023 06:13

Hello,

A week before Christmas last year, I lost my dad quite suddenly after a very short cancer battle. It was all very traumatic and really impacted me in ways I probably haven't fully processed yet. My husband has been great but has never suffered the loss of a parent. My Dad was in his 60s, as is my mum whereas his parents are in their 80s.

Over the years we have tried to do alternate families at Christmas. My husbands family are quite a bit more in to it than my family and we don't mix both sides as his is big and mine is just now mum, sister and nieces. There's some drama on my side with some people not getting on so there's always some anxiety for me around Christmas anyway.

This year will be the first anniversary of my dads death so I would like to spend it with my mum and sister. To be honest, I don't think Christmas will ever be the same again so feel like I should be with her every year. My husband is already making noises very gently about Christmas. He's v conscious of his parents ages and knows every Christmas could be their last. I've learned the hard way that it could be anyone’s last.

I love my inlaws but feel like things are about to shift, particularly in my marriage. My husband and I are terribly duty bound when it comes to our families (hello catholic guilt!) and I think, even though he knows about how hard the last few months have been, he won't be happy about not spending Christmas with his side.

We are a strong unit and have two children who are almost teens. We rarely fight but when we do it tends to be family related. What would you do? Spend Christmas separately? What about the children? What happens if he comes to my family but loses a parent next year? Dreading it all!

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 27/08/2023 06:16

There's some drama on my side with some people not getting on so there's always some anxiety for me around Christmas anyway.
If its just you,mum and sister do you mean they'll not get on, and you need to peacekeep?

Original poster

mummylon2 · 27/08/2023 06:33

We all get on fine but I have a sibling estranged from my mum (long story) so another thing to feel bad about. I have contact with them but they do their own thing at xmas every year. Have made peace with it now I think but has been a big issue for me to deal with over the years.

OP posts:

mdinbc · 27/08/2023 06:39

That is a tough one. If it weren't for the death of your father, and you alternate years, who's turn would it be this coming year? I realize you would have missed celebrating Christmas at all last year.

How far distant are the two families? Can you see both families this year? Or can you stay home on Christmas and celebrate with your families on different days?

CoconutSty · 27/08/2023 06:40

Whose turn would it have been this year if you hadn't lost your dad? If your DH is 'making noises ' it suggests it was his parents' turn? I think that's out of the window this year. Of course you should be with your mum this year on her first Christmas alone! Surely both your DH and his parents would understand that? I don't see why you'd need to go to hers every year forever though. What has she said about what she wants to do?

Loopytiles · 27/08/2023 06:41

Yes, what’s the geography?

What would your DC prefer?

rainbowstardrops · 27/08/2023 06:42

I think you should definitely spend it with your family this year. You, your mum and your sister will need support from each other while it's all still so raw.
Do you think it might be (understandably) quite a somber Christmas?
If so, then maybe your DH could take the children to his family and then you wouldn't feel so much pressure to put a smile on your face and 'put on a show' for the children?
Going forward, I think you need to consider blending the two families. I'm sorry for your loss. It's so difficult

CoconutSty · 27/08/2023 06:43

Also I think your DH needs to be sensible about the 'it could be their last Christmas' thing. Last Christmas WAS your dad's last Christmas. These things are unpredictable, and you can't spend every year with your in laws just because they're older.

Weenurse · 27/08/2023 06:45

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad.
What would your children prefer?
I lost my Dad when he was 55. I have spent every year with my Mum, but, we have always hosted DH family on alternative years. So Mum was always with us on the years my brothers went to their in-laws as well as my families year. She just joined on with in laws. ( Mum and FIL had joint 91st birthday party this year)
Could you host everyone?
Could you job share like we do on my family’s year? One brother does prawns, one does roast pork and turkey, one does roast lamb and beef. SIL and DN do sides need salads and desserts.
Only way to get out of contributing is to give birth ( new parents get the year off).

FluffMagnet · 27/08/2023 06:45

How far away are all the families? If possible, for the kids, I would do Christmas morning at yours with just your nuclear family, then DH takes kids to his side of the family to celebrate Christmas whilst you go to your mum's to mourn your father. Or your mum and sister come to yours if they need the change of scenery to avoid negative connotations, and again your DH (and kids if your side of the family do not feel up to having a jolly Christmas) head off to the in laws for a few hours.

I remember as a teen feeling very guilty that I was not mourning the loss of grandparents on anniversaries, and that wasn't even around Christmas. I do feel your kids should be permitted to have as normal a Christmas as possible, but also your mother might need protecting from Christmas excitement for this year at least. Hopefully from next year you go back to alternating Christmas and perhaps making a bigger deal of Boxing Day with the side you didn't see on Christmas Day?

I am sorry for your family's loss, and hope your DH doesn't use it as a jolt to put his family first all the time.

Original poster

mummylon2 · 27/08/2023 06:55

It was supposed to be his families turn last year but obviously never happened.

Distance wise his family are 5 minutes away and mine are half hour away.

The children have cousins on both sides. Not sure what they would prefer but know if they are around the mood will be lighter.

OP posts:

bingbongbang23 · 27/08/2023 06:59

mummylon2 · 27/08/2023 06:55

It was supposed to be his families turn last year but obviously never happened.

Distance wise his family are 5 minutes away and mine are half hour away.

The children have cousins on both sides. Not sure what they would prefer but know if they are around the mood will be lighter.

That's good that they are so close. Can you compromise and sss both this year? We have done brunch at one family, and then a later Christmas lunch with the other? Then all grandparent see kids. Win-win...

Sugarfree23 · 27/08/2023 07:07

Op my family has similar issues, Mum & Sis both widowed. I always feel they need my support to help make it Christmas.

So for a long time for various, I held Christmas at my house (cost and effort divided between the 3 households) with invite extended to PIL although they generally prefer to be with SiL.

I think in your situation I'd invite your mum & Sis and the ILs to your house.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 27/08/2023 07:12

I agree with you @mummylon2 that you do need to spend at least this Christmas with your Mum, and depending on your sister you might have to spend every Christmas with your Mum from now on, but there are several different ways to achieve that in the future.

For now, I hope that your DH will see for himself that your DM needs her few loved ones around her, especially this year. His parents being in their 80's presumably means that they have had their son - your DH.- see them for between 10 and 20 years longer than your poor Dad got to spend with his DD - you.

As for the future, is there any chance that you could host Christmas Day at your house - I did that from about the age of 24 - and always have your DM there with you, but alternate between your DH's parents dining with you (presumably they gave up hosting Christmas themselves many years ago), and your sister and nieces dining with you. Depending on the family dynamics and politics it may be that your in-laws only come to you once in every 3 years - whatever they prefer.

I am pretty sure that when families first started gathering together at Christmas, it was much more about the religious side of Christmas, rather than the modern day political familial debacles!
I do believe that this, or next year, is the time to start merging both families together. If you don't want to, or can't host for some reason, then I do think that your DH needs to get his parents to give your DM an ad infinitum invitation to Christmas with them, whenever you go there for Christmas.

Family tradions can always develop, or indeed be changed, or at least amended. Christmas can and should be fun for everyone, but mainly about any young children. Most of all, it should be about love and sharing, and after this year it needs to follow a new, or at least revised, norm.🌲

I'm so sorry for your loss mummylon. I hope that this Christmas is what you and your DM need it to be 🙏

JenniferBarkley · 27/08/2023 07:17

YABU to want to spend every year with your mum now. If one of your PIL had died first, would you really accept your DH never spending Christmas with your side again? You and your sister need to work together to make sure your mum is never alone at Christmas but you do still need to make room for the in-laws.

However YANBU to want to be with your side this year since Christmas didn't happen last year and this is the first one. I'm sure your dad wouldn't want Christmas to be miserable because of him, so bring the kids, make it a good one and toast your dad.

You're lucky with the distances, can you promise your DH Christmas with his side next year and pop round to see them for a bit this year? With everyone being close by it really doesn't need to be so all or nothing.

All of this advice comes from having been in a similar position a few years ago.

WaitingfortheTardis · 27/08/2023 07:25

I'd suggest a morning visit to one before the rest of the day with the other as a compromise. You can't reasonably expect him to give up Christmas with his family forever. I also don't think it's fair on either of you or the children to do it separately.

Lonecatwithkitten · 27/08/2023 07:27

Would it be possible for you to host and everyone comes to you.
You then are doing something totally different to previous years. Your mum and your sister get some different company. You kids get to stay home and play with their toys.

gogomoto · 27/08/2023 07:28

They are all close, can't you host everyone? Or yours for brunch then his for a later Christmas meal / or do Christmas Day/Boxing Day?

Exasperatednow · 27/08/2023 07:29

From what I gather you are saying that you think you should spend every year with your mother? And your husband should understand and either not spend it with his family or spend it either them without you.

I think yabu. I would understand this year but not every year. Both my dh's and mine parents have died and it's part of life and you have to find a way forward that still works for you as a family unit, because that's what you are. Your dm will also have to find a way forward eventually (but it's early days). She still has a lot of life hopefully to live and may decide to do dome things differently.

Would you expect your children to put their family life on hold every Christmas if you were in the same situation?

MikeRafone · 27/08/2023 07:37

It’s difficult losing a parent and you’re very much still grieving and coming up to first anniversary.

to take that and move forward that you’ll need to be with your mum for following Christmasas is taking it to far & unfair

fir your teen children to have to then have mum with one family and dad with another, that also unfair

sort with your sister to ensure your mum isn’t alone but don’t divide your family up and ruin Christmas for them each year

AuntieJoyce · 27/08/2023 07:42

Sorry for the loss of your dad,

I think you are not unreasonable to want to spend it with your mum, but neither is your DH unreasonable to want to see his family. Also he may not want to spend Christmas with your mum if it’s going to be a reflective occasion.

I think under the circumstances you both do your own thing this year and your children get the choice.

mrssunshinexxx · 27/08/2023 07:44

I think you should host and have them all but the difficulty with that is if half the people are all up for a good time and the others feeling understandly sad. I lost my mum when I was 27 3.5 years ago I've spent every Christmas since with my husband and kids only

ZenNudist · 27/08/2023 07:45

Given the distance you can see both on the same day. No big deal. I don't see why you can't have Sunday lunch with both sets of parents plus your dsis too if she doesn't have anyone else. Your dh big family Christmas meal can be put on a different day. It's not a one chance only...

pilates · 27/08/2023 07:45

I would host both families at yours. Not getting away it will be a sad time, but it may make the atmosphere a little lighter having more people to talk to.

cruffinsmuffin · 27/08/2023 07:46

I think neither of you are being completely U in this situation, but there's obviously things on both sides.

I can't even imagine how hard last year must have been for you all, and this year with it being the first year. I do think the comments about things shifting, particularly in your marriage sounds ominous?

For your DH, last year there was no Christmas with his family (understandable) but if there's none this year too, it'll be three years of Christmas with your family which must be hard for him and his family too. I think with his parents being in their 80s he probably is conscious they probably don't have tens of years left, perhaps the passing of your dad has brought that more into focus for him too?

I would personally try do both, would you perhaps see your family on the anniversary and his family the week after and have two family meetings? Could you host and have everyone round?

Hercisback · 27/08/2023 07:47

I don't think you can spend Christmas with your mum forever and not see DHs family. That's quite rude. This year spend it with your mum. Then see what unfolds over the next few years. ILs may be able to join you at yours, or your mum come to them.

Everything is very raw right now. Plan for this year and then wait and see for the next.

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