Christmas conflict after bereavement

[mummylon2]

Hello,

A week before Christmas last year, I lost my dad quite suddenly after a very short cancer battle. It was all very traumatic and really impacted me in ways I probably haven't fully processed yet. My husband has been great but has never suffered the loss of a parent. My Dad was in his 60s, as is my mum whereas his parents are in their 80s.

Over the years we have tried to do alternate families at Christmas. My husbands family are quite a bit more in to it than my family and we don't mix both sides as his is big and mine is just now mum, sister and nieces. There's some drama on my side with some people not getting on so there's always some anxiety for me around Christmas anyway.

This year will be the first anniversary of my dads death so I would like to spend it with my mum and sister. To be honest, I don't think Christmas will ever be the same again so feel like I should be with her every year. My husband is already making noises very gently about Christmas. He's v conscious of his parents ages and knows every Christmas could be their last. I've learned the hard way that it could be anyone’s last.

I love my inlaws but feel like things are about to shift, particularly in my marriage. My husband and I are terribly duty bound when it comes to our families (hello catholic guilt!) and I think, even though he knows about how hard the last few months have been, he won't be happy about not spending Christmas with his side.

We are a strong unit and have two children who are almost teens. We rarely fight but when we do it tends to be family related. What would you do? Spend Christmas separately? What about the children? What happens if he comes to my family but loses a parent next year? Dreading it all!

Host everyone. It will be distracting for your mum and help her get through it. plus it will give your DC more of a cheerful time.

I don't think that either of you are being unreasonable to want to spend Christmas with either family, however and I'm saying this gently, you cannot spend every Christmas going forward with your family and not see DH's, that wouldn't fly in my house.

When did DH last see his parents at Christmas? If it wasn't last year or the year before then he needs to see them this year.

You all live relatively close so that makes things easier. Christmas morning and lunch with one set and Christmas dinner with the other.

we used to alternate between my mum and in laws, then we started having Boxing Day at the in-laws and Christmas dinner at my mums on Christmas Eve, with my mum coming to us every 2nd Christmas for Christmas Day.

Can your family go the PIL as well?

Thanks for all the advice so far. I'm new here and don't know how to quote others posts but similar things keep coming up from several of you. You're right, I sounded unreasonable suggesting I would be with her every year - apologies, that's not quite what I meant (do not type at 4am!). What I meant was that at the moment, it all feels so raw that I can't imagine a Christmas being normal again. Last year was spent in an over stretched hospital surrounded by Christmas trees. I can't imagine myself or anyone who was there to witness it all ever feeling like celebrating at Christmas again. Of course I will though, because I have kids and a husband who have a right to celebrate. And we will of course go to IL again but it's just rough at the minute. My mum has always been fairly low key at Christmas so I know how it can drag the mood down, I won't follow suit but I also know that the loss of my dad is going to impact her significantly.

We have seen my in laws on boxing day every year that it hasn’t been our year with them and visa verse so things have always been as even as possible. No they aren't far away distance wise but I think it's a big ask to chuck my family together with his when grieving. It won't be an especially sombre day because my sister and I put on a good show for the kids at least but that's different to having to make small talk all day. They're very different characters and neither party would be keen. It would also put me on edge all day and surely that's got to stand for something.

You all make very valid points and in the years ahead, splitting our time might be the best thing. To me it's just one day but would be happy to say, lets make Christmas the 26/27/28 of dec etc to ease the stress. I think this is something I will make clear to my children when/if they're married/with partners. It's just a date, it's the seeing them that's important, even if its a day earlier or later.

Speaking as someone who lost their DH at a special time of year, I think you should find out what your mum wants to do. She may well prefer to do something entirely different rather than have family celebrations that just remind her of her husband's absence. By all means offer suggestions but maybe make sure they offer options that include time together just celebrating your dad.

Given you all live quite close, could you not have lunch with one family and visit the other family for the evening. That is what I would be doing, half the day which each family.

Stay over Christmas Eve with your mum and have breakfast , go for lunch with his parents then back home for tea with your mum

I think you need to discuss this with your sister. Your mum can’t be on her own any year, so do you need to coordinate with her?

Of course see what you mum’s wishes are.

How about you going over for breakfast with your mum, before going to PILs (I do think it’s reasonable that your OH wants to do that.)

Is having everyone at yours an option? That's how I resolved my difficulties over 'taking turns'.

Although not ideal, you go your mums and he goes his parents. Have a family morning together, big breakfast and presents. Meet back up after dinner in the evening. Children go with either parent. I think that's the only way you will get around it.

My sister in law is going her parents as her sister is working abroad from Oct, first Christmas with new baby and also they lost their Grandad (Mums Dad) about 2 months ago so her own Mum will be upset.

Good luck.

You are focussing on what other people need, how they will feel and what might happen in future years.

You need to think about how you will feel this Christmas. Its going to be hard and you need your mum.

I would ask the dc what they would prefer, if they would prefer to go to dh's family, I would ask dh if your smaller family would be welcomed at dh's parents (assuming they all get on)

if dh says yes that would be fine for your family to attend his families Xmas day I would speak to mum and suggest she, your sister and her children go to dh's family for lunch then you, ds/kids and dm leave go back to dm's for a quiet evening. Either take your dc's or leave them to enjoy their time with dh's family.

I'm with others really, and think that perhaps it should be your mum who decides. She might not want to do the big 'Christmas Dinner' thing at all this year anyway. What about your sister - could your mum go to hers on Christmas Day?

Thanks for all your input.

I got worked up about it today and had a chat with my husband who reassured me we will work something out. I'm just so worried about upsetting people, especially him. I'm hoping we can reach a middle ground. Can't be dealing with losing sleep every night from August to December 😬