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Original poster

Christmas conflict after bereavement

65 replies

mummylon2 · 27/08/2023 06:13

Hello,

A week before Christmas last year, I lost my dad quite suddenly after a very short cancer battle. It was all very traumatic and really impacted me in ways I probably haven't fully processed yet. My husband has been great but has never suffered the loss of a parent. My Dad was in his 60s, as is my mum whereas his parents are in their 80s.

Over the years we have tried to do alternate families at Christmas. My husbands family are quite a bit more in to it than my family and we don't mix both sides as his is big and mine is just now mum, sister and nieces. There's some drama on my side with some people not getting on so there's always some anxiety for me around Christmas anyway.

This year will be the first anniversary of my dads death so I would like to spend it with my mum and sister. To be honest, I don't think Christmas will ever be the same again so feel like I should be with her every year. My husband is already making noises very gently about Christmas. He's v conscious of his parents ages and knows every Christmas could be their last. I've learned the hard way that it could be anyone’s last.

I love my inlaws but feel like things are about to shift, particularly in my marriage. My husband and I are terribly duty bound when it comes to our families (hello catholic guilt!) and I think, even though he knows about how hard the last few months have been, he won't be happy about not spending Christmas with his side.

We are a strong unit and have two children who are almost teens. We rarely fight but when we do it tends to be family related. What would you do? Spend Christmas separately? What about the children? What happens if he comes to my family but loses a parent next year? Dreading it all!

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/08/2023 07:47

Good grief. You're all close together, so surely you can do Christmas in an inclusive way?

Christmas is a moveable feast for me, and alrways has been. There's Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing day.

When both sets of parents were around (and neither geographically close to each other or to us) my DH and I would spend one of the days with one set, and one with the other.

Now I have adult kids with in laws (and one of the DDs is a nurse and often has to work on Christmas Day) we make Christmas happen when it can. Last year they all came to me on Christmas Eve, and I had Christmas Day in my own. Sometimes it happens on Christmas Day, other times Boxing day.

Liaise with others involved. It should be way to make this work, and add your all nearby you can even pop in for a half an hour on the day itself, to the ones who aren't spending the whole day with you.

My dad also died in mid December. But it didn't mean that my mom 'won' every Christmas after that. Nor did she expect to.

HorsePlatitudes · 27/08/2023 07:47

My mum died last Christmas. I wouldn’t be able to face being around other people this year (she was the most epic Christmas party girl) and we’re sloping off abroad, away from it all. But I don’t have another parent to worry about. Your mum needs you, honestly it’s not going to be an easy Christmas and you do whatever you need.

your needs have to come first. maybe he could go and see then Boxing Day?

sorry for your loss.

Alarae · 27/08/2023 07:48

My family and in laws live 15 mins from each other. We have alternated Christmas/Boxing Day between the two, so that each family gets a big day. Last year my MIL passed, and we spent Christmas Day with his family despite doing so last year as well.

Can you not do something similar? Essentially you have two a Christmas Days.

Lemonsandlemonade · 27/08/2023 07:51

Sorry for your loss. Loosing your dad is so hard, Could you change it up maybe host it and have your in laws and DM and DSis to you? Or pop to see your mum in the morning then lunch and afternoon with in laws so everyone is happy.

D1Yer · 27/08/2023 07:52

Sorry for your loss OP.
Me and my parters families live 30 mins apart.
Every Christmas we do 10am-3pm at my mother's (including xmas dinner), then 3pm onwards at the in-laws (drinking till late!). You said everyone's close, so don't compromise - do both!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/08/2023 07:54

You host and invite everyone to yours.
Those who dont come is up to them and you can be guilt free since you did invite them and it's their choice not to come if they don't want

Yabu to think you need to spend every Xmas with your mum though.

velvetstars · 27/08/2023 08:03

So sorry for your loss OP.

From the sounds of it if you spend this year with you family it will have been three years since you saw DH family. And with covid I would imagine that may even be four years.

It's understandable that you may want to see your mum this xmas but regardless of what you end up doing I think your DH and DC should go to his family. It's been a long time since your children have seen them for xmas and if your family is likely to be somber that's not going to be a great one for them.

You mention a lot about what would be better for your mum/sister rather than you/your DH/your DC. Even when you mention your DC it's how useful they could be to lifting the mood rather than the impact it could have on them. Perhaps it's time to focus on what is best for your immediate family.

I can imagine this is all really difficult for you and I hope you are able to have a good xmas whatever you decide.

jolies1 · 27/08/2023 08:08

See both. Spend a couple of hours in the morning with DH & kids opening presents. They go to IL’s for lunch, you go to Mum, kids are old enough to understand if you talk to them (Granny / aunties / aren’t up for a big party this year, you will all have loads of fun with Dad / cousins, I can’t wait to see you later). In the evening when things are winding down at Mum’s and she’s comfy in front of some Christmas telly drive yourself / taxi over to IL’s. It’s important to spend time with your DH and kids too.

AncientBallerina · 27/08/2023 08:10

Don’t even think about hosting them all. I seriously doubt your mum would want to anyway. You are in mourning and need to do whatever you need to do to get through the day. As PPs have suggested maybe you whole nuclear family spend some time with your mum and sisters earlier in the day, you stay there and your DH and the kids spend the rest of the day with his family.
You can’t be held to ransom over ‘turns’ and people potentially dying. Christmas traditions have to change as grandparents (and older kids!) get older. It’s only one day; people (in general) need to be flexible and understanding.

Maraudingmarauders · 27/08/2023 08:12

I'd have your mom over to do gifts in the morning with your Dh and kids, then send DH and kids off for lunch and the rest of the day with his parents. You can then do lunch and have a slightly quieter get together with your mom to reminisce/remember your dad.
OR
Do morning with mom and your family, then she goes off to sister and nieces for lunch etc whilst you all head off to inlaws for a busier lunch.

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 27/08/2023 08:15

I would either host everyone at yours or do the morning at one and afternoon at the other. It’s good that they’re close.

if you’re all catholic do you go to midnight mass? You could make Xmas eve more of a thing perhaps?

Id take the opportunity to re-think how you do Christmas tbh, this issue isn’t going to go away. Sorry for your loss.

LadyGAgain · 27/08/2023 08:18

Invite everyone to you and have a blended Xmas. That's what we have done since the same happened to my MIL when FIL died and it's been lovely having everyone together.

JenniferBarkley · 27/08/2023 08:21

My dad died a couple of weeks after Christmas. The first year we had my mum and the PIL at ours and it was lovely. We'd never hosted before, so being away from her house was helpful for mum, being in a different routine and with different people wasn't as strange or difficult as Christmas at their house without dad would have been for all of us.

There was a post above about how long it will have been since your DH had Christmas with his family and it really stood out to me - even though I said you get this year in my first post above, I think I'm changing my mind. I don't think it's reasonable to expect your DH to have another year without his elderly parents.

Sugargliderwombat · 27/08/2023 08:21

Even though it sounds horribly transaxtional - You did not get a "turn" last year so its your turn this year i say.

Mindymomo · 27/08/2023 08:24

I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad a week before Christmas, so I know how hard it is. I had already lost my Mum a few years before. Their last Christmas’s with us we invited my in laws as well, as they used to come round to see us in the morning, then go back to spend the day alone, so said they may as well stay. They turned out to be the best Christmas Days I will always remember, there was so much laughter those days. The day itself is hard, whatever you do, I had to leave the room in the evening to have a good cry as I missed my Dad so much and sitting there watching the tv programmes we were laughing at the previous year does get to you.

MichelleScarn · 27/08/2023 08:43

velvetstars · 27/08/2023 08:03

So sorry for your loss OP.

From the sounds of it if you spend this year with you family it will have been three years since you saw DH family. And with covid I would imagine that may even be four years.

It's understandable that you may want to see your mum this xmas but regardless of what you end up doing I think your DH and DC should go to his family. It's been a long time since your children have seen them for xmas and if your family is likely to be somber that's not going to be a great one for them.

You mention a lot about what would be better for your mum/sister rather than you/your DH/your DC. Even when you mention your DC it's how useful they could be to lifting the mood rather than the impact it could have on them. Perhaps it's time to focus on what is best for your immediate family.

I can imagine this is all really difficult for you and I hope you are able to have a good xmas whatever you decide.

Agree with all of this, and those posters who say maybe invite all and let them decide.
I think it would be hard to see your mum over in the am only then leave her for the afternoon.

LadyBird1973 · 27/08/2023 08:46

I don't think a big blended Christmas is a good idea right now. It's your mum's (and yours) first proper one without your dad - mixing that up with a family who want to celebrate, has disaster written all over it.

Personally I'd liaise with my sister so that one of us was with mum at any given time and I would try to see both families. This is possible because you live so close together. I do think your dh has to understand that this one will be particularly difficult for your mum. Yes, his parents are in their 80s but they've had a lot more christmases than your dad got to enjoy and if they are healthy, they could live to be 96! You can't go through life treating old people as if every occasion might be their last (unless they are diagnosed with something life threatening) because any of us could be having our last day!

In your shoes I'd be willing for dh to take the kids to his family for a bit of a break from what's likely to be a difficult day. I do think the kids should spend a bit of time with your mum though, to show support and care.

LadyBird1973 · 27/08/2023 08:48

Sorry, just to add that I don't think you can never spend Christmas with dh's family, although I understand the logic of it since they have a large family all together and you don't. Going forward o think you and your sister need to organise it so mum isn't alone and if need be take mum to the ils. Or invite everyone to yours.

Newnamehiwhodis · 27/08/2023 08:53

Just go your separate ways and have a Christmas together at a different time. Your Mum needs you, and he’s being unreasonable if he doesn’t understand that.

W0tnow · 27/08/2023 09:04

You’re all within a stone’s throw. Spend Christmas with your mum, and Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with his.

All this talk of people maybe dying is not necessary when you can see everyone whenever you want because you live so close.

EATmum · 27/08/2023 09:15

Just to say that you should try to do what you need as well as what everyone else needs this year. In your situation last year, I found it hard to have to be looking after everyone else when I was so sad about my loss. However you carve up your day, make sure you allow yourself time to remember your dad and grieve for yourself if that's what you need.

andleow · 27/08/2023 09:24

I'm sorry for your loss but honestly I think you're both being a bit ridiculous when your families are so close! You are so lucky to have that where you can easily see them both on Christmas Day. We've had deaths in mine and my husbands families which have thrown up similar issues, but they live 3 hours apart! We still made it work and one memorable year travelled 3 hours there and back on one day so we could see the other side of the family for Boxing Day because of a recent bereavement. If you can't be grown up enough to arrange something where you can see them both I think you're both being selfish, it's not dead/old parents top trumps!

PickledPurplePickle · 27/08/2023 09:31

Can you host a joint Christmas at your house this year?

pilates · 27/08/2023 09:36

My DH said when his grandmother died his mum stopped celebrating Christmas and he said it was awful. I know it’s hard but life goes on and you still need to make it a special time for your children.

LegalAdviceNeededPlease123 · 27/08/2023 09:37

When did DH have Christmas with his family? Not last year (2022) and not 2021. Was he able to spend 2020 with them or were there Covid restrictions in place?

I think you should go to his family this year. Pop in to see your family but it's time for DH's family. You can't go to your mother's every year, that's spectacularly unfair to DH. And your children.

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