TLDR - DH an absolute arse when we argue but perfect in all other areas. Should I put up with it?
We've been together for three years. Had a bumpy start but got ourselves sorted. Looking back, I think the foundations were laid then around the way we argue and now we can't undo it and I'm worried that I am staying in a really unhealthy relationship.
About 80% of the time, we have a great relationship. We are supportive of one another, respectful, good partnership and get on well.
However, if we have an argument, it goes down hill, and fast!
Today was the latest example. Did all the back to school stuff, was quite a nice day (no kids with us) and popped by McDonalds drive thru on the way home. Driving out, DH put his foot on the brake and a load of chips ended up on the floor. I said “FFS” (loudly) as was annoyed by the mess and made an ill judged poke at him for braking when he did (obviously braking can’t be helped). Really wasn’t anything major and was simply a reaction to a situation but still, wasn’t his fault and so not fair of me. Anyway, I asked him to pull over so I could clean up and he said no. He said he was driving and he would make the decisions and that it was my fault for “throwing” the chips on the floor. This then escalated beyond all recognition with him shouting that he was right about everything (yes - literally). Told me that I had “started it” by shouting at him and told me it was completely my fault and I should apologise and that he would keep shouting until I did.
So in and of itself, that’s a stupid argument where had I just said sorry and cleared up it would have gone away. Problem is, he gets so verbally aggressive and so shouty and dominant and entirely unwilling to accept that there would be another way of looking at things and it’s all so QUICK that I start to cry. And then I get told things like I’m pathetic and that I need to stop “whimpering”. And I KNOW this isn’t ok.
The only reason I am crying is because I have had my voice taken from me and I am now completely overwhelmed.
I genuinely don’t know if I need to change some of my behaviour because I’m
nitpicking or if he is the one who is unreasonable.
All our arguments are like this. They start off over tiny, inconsequential things, escalate to boiling point very quickly and then I get dominated and cry. BUT (importantly) most of the arguments are started by me.
I suppose I need to know if there is anything I can change and that it is reasonable for me to change or if it is just a bad idea to be in this relationship.
And to the LTB tribe - I hear you. But what I am genuinely interested in is whether there is an alternative way for me to manage these outbursts to support some more continuous harmony!