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Original poster

She’s more attractive than you but I’m not attracted.

57 replies

Thatreallyuglyone · 24/08/2023 17:25

I’ve just joined to ask this.

In a conversation my partner said he thinks my brothers wife is more attractive than me. She is, by far, that’s not in dispute.

He tried to cover up by saying that he’s not attracted to her and he is attracted to me but that doesn’t help the insecurity that I already feel about how ugly I am. It’s a wordplay she’s attractive but I’m not attracted, give me a break.

I’m not just plain looking, I’m properly ugly. Always have been. A huge hook nose dominates my face. My nicest feature was my jawline (honestly that’s the best I could get) and that now hangs down by my shoulders just above my steroid and peri menopausal belly. I accepted at a young age I wasn’t going to be beautiful on the outside but that I could make up for it by always trying to be decent person, they say inner beauty shines, yeah? Well, I’ve no friends so I clearly failed at that too.

His low self esteem has meant he always picked partners who were safe looking (according to his mum) and he could have got someone far prettier than I (according by to everyone) but I guess being safe meant I wouldn’t be running off with anyone else.

He has ED and claims it’s nothing to do with not being attracted to me but this just makes it harder to believe.

I’m just seriously hurt that he couldn’t just have lied about this. He’s not renowned for his honesty, what a time to change his approach.

I won’t be able to respond for a while as I’m going to an event and taking my eldest child as I have no adult friends to go with. Please be gentle.

OP posts:

PrimalOwl10 · 24/08/2023 17:29

Did you ask him this question or did he just come out with it. Either way I couldn't be with someone like that.

itsmylife7 · 24/08/2023 17:29

Fucking awful thing to say to you OP.

GoodnightJude1 · 24/08/2023 17:37

That’s a horrible thing for him to have said, especially if he knows you are insecure about your appearance.

I can somewhat get my head around what he means….I could look at another man and think that he’s ‘traditionally’ more attractive than my DH but to me my DH is the most attractive man in the world because in my eyes he’s gorgeous, funny, intelligent, hard working, loyal, honest, generous, caring, loving. He has the best smile I’ve ever seen. So although to some he may not be attractive, to me, he’s perfect.
I’m also sure there are women in the world who he’d think are more attractive than me, and that’s ok….I’d just rather him not tell me and definitely not if it were my SIL.

Radiohat · 24/08/2023 17:39

It seems a rather odd thing to say, & a little nasty. If the person said the other person is attractive but you are more attractive to me, that sounds fine BUT saying they are more attractive than you but I'm not attracted to them sounds like count your lucky stars ! I would not like that.

Do you think the person saying it is trying to make you feel insecure?

MumUndone · 24/08/2023 17:41

It's possible to see that someone is 'attractive' (good looking) without being attracted to them. Not that he should have mentioned it in the first place.

What do you mean he's not renowned for his honesty? Does he lie a lot?

FedUpMumof10YO · 24/08/2023 17:42

Why don't men learn to STFU 🤫

I hope what he means to say that attractiveness is so much more than outwardly appearances.

Much much more.

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 24/08/2023 17:45

Is he often mistaken for George Clooney?

Holly60 · 24/08/2023 17:47

I suppose in a film version he would have said

'Well she is conventionally good looking but I find you so much more alluring'

But in reality, he said a really stupid thing. What is the bigger picture? Does this comment fit with that or is it an anomaly?

Justleaveitblankthen · 24/08/2023 17:48

I would struggle with this.

It's one thing to think it and another to say it.

To be honest, I think that he is punching above his own weight as that is a nasty and probably negging thing to say - and a nasty character is an ugly one.

dontforgettofloss · 24/08/2023 17:48

He shouldn't have said that.
And please don't call yourself ugly, I've seen many conventionally 'beautiful' people that make themselves ugly with their behaviour.

WeirdBarbie · 24/08/2023 17:50

What an absolute dickhead.

Firstly, I don't believe you are 'ugly'. Loads of people say that and invariably they are not. There are very, very few truly 'ugly' people out there and every one of those people will have people that think they are gorgeous. So there's that.

But it's so odd that he felt the need to say it....there has to be a way to follow the warped 'logic'. Was is to redress a perceived power imbalance on his part due to the ED by making you feel shit? Was it to cause an argument? Is he generally so horrible or does he usually make you feel beautiful? Is there a possibility of another woman and he's trying to make you end it because he's a coward?

This isn't honesty, it's cruelty.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 24/08/2023 17:50

Was this an unbidden comment from him or did you bring up the subject and push for an answer? If the first, then he's an arsehole. If the second, he's probably just clumsy and tactless. In the nicest possible way, you sound very insecure about your looks. If this woman is obviously drop dead gorgeous, you probably wouldn't have believed him if he'd said he didn't think she was. Maybe he couldn't win with whatever answer he gave you. He says he loves you and finds you attractive, maybe work on trying to believe him instead of comparing yourself to others?

mealtickety · 24/08/2023 18:02

FedUpMumof10YO · 24/08/2023 17:42

Why don't men learn to STFU 🤫

I hope what he means to say that attractiveness is so much more than outwardly appearances.

Much much more.

Only this man ( or some men), sorry. Don't label all men. Some women are even tolerating being married to bigots, ageists, racists, fat shamers, misogynists, homophobes, the list is endless. And they openly make such inappropriate comments in front of their DWs. hahahah

WhateverMate · 24/08/2023 18:10

There are loads of men who are far more attractive than my husband but I'm not attracted to any of them.

I mean for a start, many boy band members are really really handsome but they're young enough to be my sons, so no I'm not remotely attracted to them.

However, I would never point out a person in our real lives and tell my husband I think they're more attractive than him.

I mean just why would anyone do that?

Unless you asked. I can't help feeling you should've told us whether or not you asked him before you shot off to your event, because it does make a difference.

lap90 · 24/08/2023 18:15

How did this even come about?

Whattodo112222 · 24/08/2023 18:19

That's just absolutely cruel. Why would you be someone who invalidates you so much?

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 24/08/2023 18:22

Tell him maybe she looks happier than you because her dh hasn't got ED..

LoopyPoopyPoo · 24/08/2023 18:38

Hmm? Unsure about this one.
If it's relevant to the conversation, my DH might say "...and she's a good looking woman..." and that wouldn't bother me. I might say the same in conversation about another bloke, if it was relevant.

But I can't imagine saying "yeah, your sisters DH is more attractive than you... but don't worry, I'm not attracted to him" That's just weird and, quite frankly, completely pointless if it's true. If he indeed finds you attractive, and he's not attracted to his DBs wife, then that whole comment is just a moot point. Why say it??

I think more context is needed as to how this conversation arose.

He either said it deliberately to hurt you and undermine your self esteem and confidence. Which is such a cunty thing to do to your other half.

OR were you harassing him about it? Letting your own insecurities cause a row? As in, "you fancy her don't you, you think she's more attractive than me don't you, just admit it you think she's better looking than me don't you!" Chipping away, that kind of thing?

I mean, if you backed him into a corner to say how attractive she is, and saying "well yeah she's attractive but I'm not attracted to her" was his only hope of shutting it down, then I might get why he said it.

mybestchildismycat · 24/08/2023 18:39

I think it depends very much on how this conversation came about.

If you put him on the spot and explicitly asked him the question, "Is SIL more attractive than me?", then in all honesty I think his answer is OK. Yes, of course he could have been more tactful, but if the SIL is objectively much more attractive than you are, he may have felt that to say otherwise would have been insincere and patronising, and didn't have the time to come up with a gentler way of phrasing it.

If he brought the subject up himself, that is completely different, and pretty nasty behaviour.

Wakintoblueskies · 24/08/2023 18:43

How did that conversation come about out of interest?

Did his mother actually say that?

I don’t think anyone is ugly and firmly believe that beauty that shines from within is llasting.

Wakintoblueskies · 24/08/2023 18:43

long lasting.

UndercoverCop · 24/08/2023 18:48

Is there an answer he could've given that would've been ok? If he'd insisted you were more attractive, would you have objected called him a liar etc? You seem quite adamant it's not true and she is more attractive.
I think he's clumsily tried to say objectively she might be prettier, but you're more attractive to me, which is probably the truth because attraction isn't just about physical appearance.

On the other hand if there was no question and he just decided to tell you this, he's a dick.

Regardless there's probably benefit in getting some support around your self esteem.

Dotcheck · 24/08/2023 18:52

When I look at people I love, I can’t tell if they are beautiful or ugly- I just love them.

Do you believe he loves you?
Do you love yourself?

Userwithallthenumbers · 24/08/2023 18:54

Attraction is not just about the physical.
It also encompasses intellect, emotional and spiritual aspects. People who are friends and really get to know each other before developing a physical relationship are far more likely to build a lasting and sustainable partnership than one based on physical attraction first.

Presumably, he thinks she is physically attractive but the other aspects don't do it for him. Whereas, you are the whole package.

Lolasgame · 24/08/2023 19:03

In his admission that he thought she was attractive, why tell you, you were less than. He’s either a clumsy buffoon or he’s a nasty asshole. Only you are the expert of that.

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