She’s more attractive than you but I’m not attracted.

[Thatreallyuglyone]

I’ve just joined to ask this.

In a conversation my partner said he thinks my brothers wife is more attractive than me. She is, by far, that’s not in dispute.

He tried to cover up by saying that he’s not attracted to her and he is attracted to me but that doesn’t help the insecurity that I already feel about how ugly I am. It’s a wordplay she’s attractive but I’m not attracted, give me a break.

I’m not just plain looking, I’m properly ugly. Always have been. A huge hook nose dominates my face. My nicest feature was my jawline (honestly that’s the best I could get) and that now hangs down by my shoulders just above my steroid and peri menopausal belly. I accepted at a young age I wasn’t going to be beautiful on the outside but that I could make up for it by always trying to be decent person, they say inner beauty shines, yeah? Well, I’ve no friends so I clearly failed at that too.

His low self esteem has meant he always picked partners who were safe looking (according to his mum) and he could have got someone far prettier than I (according by to everyone) but I guess being safe meant I wouldn’t be running off with anyone else.

He has ED and claims it’s nothing to do with not being attracted to me but this just makes it harder to believe.

I’m just seriously hurt that he couldn’t just have lied about this. He’s not renowned for his honesty, what a time to change his approach.

I won’t be able to respond for a while as I’m going to an event and taking my eldest child as I have no adult friends to go with. Please be gentle.

I don't think he's done anything wrong here. In fact he's been as honest and kind as he could have been. You're splitting hairs about wording. He just said she is attractive but he isn't attracted to her.

Translation: She isn't his type

You asked the question.

And you already know the answer.

It's like asking if this patch of grass is green. And getting upset when told it is.

Maybe he could have been more diplomatic in how he answered your question. But may have felt put on the spot.

Tbf to him, it's you that asked him to compare. You directly asked him if she's more attractive than you. You could've just left it at the girlfriends stage, but you did push.

I have a feeling that if he did lie then it would've been a thread about him secretly being attracted to her or hiding something or being patronising for sparing your feelings.

And yes he can think someone is attractive in a conventional way but not actually be attracted to them.

Did his mum actually say that to you.. he picked you because you're safe and he could have done better, have I read that right??

@Thatreallyuglyone
In the conversation that you were having, did you ask him about your SIL? Why would 2 people who are both insecure have conversations on topics that can only serve to aggravate their insecurities?

If you are going to have this type of conversation , would you prefer that he lie to you? Would a lie bolster your ego and make you feel more secure,?

I don't think that I have ever in a relationship had a discussion about who might be more attractive than me. I don't think that I have ever felt the need to discuss what men might be more attractive than my partner.

On occasion one or the other of us might have commented that someone was attractive usually in relation to a movie or some news event. I have never been with someone to whom I was not attracted ( different from being attractive ,)

If you 2 are together then I would assume that there is some sufficient mutual attraction.

The kind of conversation that you were having suggests masochistic behavior. It is foolish to engage in frivolous conversation that will invariably cause pain. If you are determined to engage in that type of conversation, you should give him a script; that way you will only ever hear exactly what you want to hear.

If the 2 of you do not want to have a healthy relationship, you should consider partying. It seems as though you may each think that rather than loving each other, you're settling because you could not do better.

What a sad view to have of your relationship.

His low self esteem has meant he always picked partners who were safe looking
And your low self-esteem means you choose partners who also have low self-esteem, because you think they won't reject you despite your looks?

I also wonder if the end result is that you don't respect him/one another.

Someone upthread mentioned rhinoplasty. I had one in my 40s and it was quite a confidence booster. But you'd still need therapy to deal with your self-hate. And maybe you'd just focus on another part of your body instead.
(I got a rhinoplasty for free as my odd-looking nose was accompanied by a deviated septum that made it quite hard to breathe as I got older. You could look into that.)

why would he say something hurtful like that, what was the reason to make you feel insecure? He sounds pathetic to be honest

can I ask is your husband attractive? are you attracted to him ?
I think the people around you have brainwashed you into thinking you are ugly and unworthy, if thats all you hear , you start believing it , it doesnt mean that its true
the only thing that matters is what you think about yourself , if you think that you are ugly, you will be ugly.

I would love to see a photo of you with the eyes blurred OP because I've never met a person that I can genuinely say is ugly or cant be improved upon with a bit of make up and nice clothes
you have to believe that you are beautiful, you have to look in the mirror and choose something that you find attractive, even if its something small like,
you have long eyelashes, or nice hands and hold on to that

some people say they are ugly and I look at them and think what?? and I can see at least 5 features on them that I would love to have

Im far from the prettiest in any room, but I do like the way I look, despite being overweight and hair falling out because of medical condition , I can still look in the mirror and feel attractive, even if others disagree.

things can always be improved, you can get a new wardrobe, go and get your hair and make up done professionally , or even cosmetic surgery if you have got the funds,
also health is always attractive, so work on the things you have control of