She’s more attractive than you but I’m not attracted.

[Thatreallyuglyone]

I’ve just joined to ask this.

In a conversation my partner said he thinks my brothers wife is more attractive than me. She is, by far, that’s not in dispute.

He tried to cover up by saying that he’s not attracted to her and he is attracted to me but that doesn’t help the insecurity that I already feel about how ugly I am. It’s a wordplay she’s attractive but I’m not attracted, give me a break.

I’m not just plain looking, I’m properly ugly. Always have been. A huge hook nose dominates my face. My nicest feature was my jawline (honestly that’s the best I could get) and that now hangs down by my shoulders just above my steroid and peri menopausal belly. I accepted at a young age I wasn’t going to be beautiful on the outside but that I could make up for it by always trying to be decent person, they say inner beauty shines, yeah? Well, I’ve no friends so I clearly failed at that too.

His low self esteem has meant he always picked partners who were safe looking (according to his mum) and he could have got someone far prettier than I (according by to everyone) but I guess being safe meant I wouldn’t be running off with anyone else.

He has ED and claims it’s nothing to do with not being attracted to me but this just makes it harder to believe.

I’m just seriously hurt that he couldn’t just have lied about this. He’s not renowned for his honesty, what a time to change his approach.

I won’t be able to respond for a while as I’m going to an event and taking my eldest child as I have no adult friends to go with. Please be gentle.

Firstly, you are not ugly. I have yet to meet a really ugly person. Some people are strikingly beautiful,others conventionally and the majority of us (me included) are pain/ordinary enough - don't stand out but not ugly.

Context is everything. Clumsy idiot or insulting asshole but based on what you've written, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

He may have used attractive incorrectly and meant good-looking. She is good- looking as you've said but good looking only related to the physical aspect (the uncontrollable- you are either born with it or not). Attractive to me, is the sum of the parts (personality, kindness, sense of humour/fun etc).

There are plenty of men I consider good-looking but don't find them attractive due to personality, lack of manners, arrogant behaviour etc. (Yes, some people are both but they are in the minority)

There is a difference between good-looking and attractive - they aren't interchangeable.

What was said immediately before he came out with this comment and why you were discussing how attractive other people are in the first place. Was it one of those conversations where one of you was fishing for compliments or seeking security by comparing yourselves to others? Because those never end well.

Ok so no I wasn’t fishing for compliments.

The background context : were talking about my sil and her being stunning and I asked did he think she more attractive than his previous girlfriends and he said yes she’s more attractive than all my girlfriends, so I said even me? And he said yes. Not harassing or backing into the corner.

Now this is where I would have replied, she is attractive but not my type or she’s attractive but I prefer you. I wouldn’t have torn him a new for one saying that, I’d have went hmmm but realised that he was trying to be nice and to protect my feelings.

I have zero problems with him finding other people attractive. Everyone does it but we don’t broadcast it to our other half or some do but you don’t compare them. I think it’s the comparison rather than the statement that upsets me. She is objectively more attractive than me, that is not in doubt and I’m forever being told how lucky my brother is for his “catch” like she’s a Fucking fish. It’s the fact he could have lied and say no she’s not my type or similar and didn’t.

he’s not usually a nasty bastard. He never usually says anything to rock the boat. He has lied about getting debt in the past which was my reference to him lying. He didn’t find that difficult to do but he had to be honest the one time it’s really ok to lie.

He didn't broadcast it. You asked, and you also asked for a comparison. Don't ask if you don't want the answer. Setting people up so they have to lie to you is really really foolish.

You asked the question.

You can't control his replies.

Don't ask these things in future. You say he's not normally a nasty bastard, but he hasn't been. He's just answered your question for you.

This makes me so sad reading this. Mainly because you call yourself ugly. One of my ex friends was a proper beauty... Like the kind you rarely see. But she was genuinely ugly to me - she was nasty about everyone. Everyone I have in my life or that I know is lovely in their own way. I know it sounds cliche but beauty really is more than skin deep

This sums it up for me

I’m not sure that’s strictly true. OP
says I asked did he think she more attractive than his previous girlfriends and he said yes she’s more attractive than all my girlfriends

OP asked about previous partners and he raised the issue of all his partners which wouldn’t be a stretch to think it included OP, who wouldn’t ask for clarification in that situation?

While it is a case of, if you don’t want to know don’t ask, he was the one changing the boundaries of the question. It’s unfair to lay that solely at OPs feet.

I think it’s the comparison rather than the statement that upsets me

But you asked him to compare.

You might not have been fishing for compliments per you did ask him to compare her to his previous girlfriends and then to you. Which was never going to have a good outcome!

I'm not stupid. I know what I look like. I know where I'd lie on a spectrum of physical attractiveness. I know if someone is objectively better looking that me, about the same or less. I certainly wouldn't want someone to lie to me. I don't need to be told so I wouldn't ask.

I wouldn't be flattered by being compared favourably to other women either.

It makes me feel really uncomfortable to even think of asking. I hate it when people (men) make comparisons between women based on physical appearance. If you are already sensitive about it, why on earth would you ask!

Thefamilywaster

I think the point is that it was a stupid question to ask him in the first place. What else could he have said?

"Most of them but I did date this woman a few years ago who was even more beautiful than her"? Would that have made the OP feel any better?

.

I disagree with some of the PP.
You acknowledge you are not pretty, because you reckon that is a fact. Which is fine, I'm not pretty neither.
But I don't ask partners or people if someone that is objectively prettier that me is indeed prettier to hear them say something that will flatter me.

His response was clear, yes she is, and after that, you did the devil question, that didn't matter how he answered, he was going to get it wrong. After that he, in an attempt to give you a boost of self steem told you, but I'm not attracted to her, which is pretty crap and poorly worded, but he was caught out the blue.

I think it is your self steem here playing games with your perception and you may be even feel jealous. Work in your self confidence, take this moment as a awakening to work in yourself and forget about that silly stuff.

I think you can see attractiveness objectively but not actually want the person.

It’s like going to an art gallery. You might like lots of paintings but you won’t actually want many of then hanging in your home because they don’t go with your decor and anyway you love the one you’ve already got at home and don’t want to change it.

We all want to feel loved and for someone to see how beautiful we are. The way he worded what he said wasn’t perfect because you put him on the spot but hasn’t he effectively said that there is more to being attractive than looks? I, like you, would probably want him to say that I am beautiful in his eyes but he didn’t say that - again, because he was put on the spot.

like others have said you need to stop calling yourself ugly. Focus on the things you value about yourself other than your looks. Everybody should do that - even the most beautiful amongst us.

You have to get over it as you asked the question and already knew the answer.
Some people are asthetically beautiful and that is true.
You said so about the girl.
You knew your husband was not blind.
And then you also asked for a comparison.
You knew the answer.

You wanted to hear that you were the most beautiful, in his eyes. Yet you talked about how plain you are.
Your husband said you were more attractive to him - that takes into account your personality etc .. so just be content with that.

If your husband were to ask you who is taller, him or Greg Davies, you would have to answer correctly.

I think you were playing with fire when you even started talking about your SIL and her looks. I can imagine mentioning looks at the point your brother met her but not some time later.

Speaking as a heterosexual possessing a Y chromosome, the most beautiful women have kind eyes and broad genuine smile 😊. Use these attributes OP and good men will find you attractive.

Oh and just as I rarely see very beautiful women I rarely see anyone I’d say was “ugly”. Generally they have been people who’ve abused drugs for years if I’m being honest.

I kind of think you are a bit mean having a frank conversation about her attractiveness but then suddenly having this barrier where he is supposed to do an obvious lie. How is he supposed to know? And before you say that that's obvious, it really isn't, my DP and I would happily discuss other people that are more attractive or smart and neither of us would think anything of it.

To be honest, the idea that we should maintain a fiction that our partner is objectively the best in attractiveness/kindness/... seems a bit immature to me, and like exceptionalism. What's wrong with appreciating your partner not because he's the most attractive (when he clearly statistically is vanishingly unlikely to be the most attractive), but because he's YOURS?

If he'd said she was less attractive you'd have accused him of lying.
Lots of people are more attractive than me but that doesn't mean my partner is lusting after them and doesn't find me attractive.
This is about your self-esteem, not your partner. You need to deal with it.

I’m sorry OP but you’re odd……you asked him if your brothers wife is more attractive than his ex-girlfriends? What a bizzare thing to ask. You’re the one who needs help here. Sort out your self esteem - get a rhinoplasty if needs be and stop projecting your problems onto others

You asked him a direct question and he gave an honest answer imho, I don’t think he was lying to say someone is by conventional beauty standards more attractive than you, but that he is more attracted to you.

You’d only think he were lying if you thought your husband were Shallow Hal who only found looks attractive in a woman. I think if you asked him “what do you find attractive about me?” You might be pleasantly surprised.

Age is a great equaliser and you know looks are not everything and do not last forever.

My DH has been with far prettier girls than me (even a Playboy model) but he’s said the most attractive thing about me is my mind. He says he could not be with a stupid woman and thats the top of a rather adorable list really. 😊

@Thatreallyuglyone consider this. If woman as beautiful as Shakira, Halle Berry, Liz Hurley and Shania Twain experience being cheated on and even domestic abuse then maybe how a woman looks has nothing to do with how successful she is in a romantic relationship.

You could look like a supermodel and still be with a man who doesn't respect you.

Men are just as attracted to a great personality as they are a stunning face, perky tits and round arse.

If you lack in beauty but you are confident, have a positive outlook and make the other person feel good being around you then you will be just as successful in relationships as someone with a gorgeous face.

Men want to be with someone who gets them. Who makes them feel good and whom they can enjoy time with.

Change your attitude and outlook on life and you'll be better off. If your relationship is just ticking by and you aren't being made to feel like you really matter and are loved then the issue isn't your nose, it's your poor choice of partner.

You can do better and you should. Don't stay with a man who makes you feel less because you are afraid to be alone or think your jawline is preventing you from meeting someone new.

Your SiL is objectively attractive, more so than you, and you and your partner know this.
So in instigating your questions you must have known he would have to choose between patronising you with a lie, or hurting you.
I think he did the best he could with where you placed him tbh. Acknowledged an undeniable truth, then explained the equally undeniable point that recognising asthetic beauty in another is not the same as finding that person sexually attractive or preferable to one's own partner.
You clearly have issues. His ED and the low self esteem you both seem to suffer from. Your best chance of happiness lies in you each working on these issues, rather than fighting amongst yourselves over the appearance of another woman who is irrelevant to your relationship.

Your question is really odd, you are bringing together all the people that you are insecure about in a way he can't win?

You have set him up so that he has to tell you that you are more attractive than all his ex girlfriends and your SIL, while first acknowledging she is stunning, so you'll accuse him of lying if he says you are.

This kind of question says more about you than his answer says about him. What can you do to feel better about yourself?

Ok so no I wasn’t fishing for compliments.

I asked did he think she more attractive than his previous girlfriends and he said yes she’s more attractive than all my girlfriends, so I said even me?

You are completely contradicting yourself with these two sentences.

You ask stupid questions, you get stupid answers.

This.