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Original poster

Would you stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids?

56 replies

Irange · 24/08/2023 17:19

I’ve been married ten years, have two primary age DC. DH told me a year ago that he isn’t in love with me anymore and isn’t attracted to me, but subsequently has said he wants to stay together for the kids. There is no intimacy anymore and he is fine with that - there’s no one else. He pointed out this happens a lot in older couples but we are only in our late thirties… he said his feelings might change but he can’t say when.

Would you stay? I’m heartbroken and lonely but it feels selfish to break up the family just because of my feelings. We have tried counselling but it didn’t work. We are able to be friends and parent well together but I want more so it always ends up with me feeling miserable and rejected.

OP posts:
allthehops · 24/08/2023 17:29

Please end it, it won't get better.

GG1986 · 24/08/2023 17:41

No don't stay! Because soon you will start to resent him, the arguments will start and your children will start to notice something is up. I've seen lots of posts on here where adults from divorced families say they wish their parents had split sooner rather than waiting until they were adults. X

FictionalCharacter · 24/08/2023 17:48

No. I was one of those kids whose mum was told she had to stay in a miserable marriage for the sake of the children. All of our lives were miserable as a result and I often wished she’d just get on and divorce him. The atmosphere in our house was horrible. Don’t kid yourself that they won’t notice. Children always do.

Radiohat · 24/08/2023 18:01

Wanting more than just cohabiting is not wrong. You deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling. It sounds like he is putting you on the back burner. You are still young and in the future meet a new person who is right for you & who will make you happy. It is understandable that you are unhappy, how would you feel in 10 years staying in an empty relationship? It is hard starting but even harder staying with someone who has no interest in a full relationship. A happy mom is a much better environment for the children.

HowAmYa · 24/08/2023 22:12

Nope.
I didnt.
Happily divorced, been with DP 2.5 years, my DD I share with exh is the happiest girl you'll meet as we are both happier apart and we focus purely on co parenting in a friendly and supportive manner.
I couldn't live with myself if I raised FF thinking loveless and emotionally abusive relationships were normal and acceptable relationships to be in.

jonesysy · 25/08/2023 03:01

Ask yourself what would be best for your children?

Brightandshining · 25/08/2023 03:05

No please end it.

And it doesn't actually help the kids to stay together in this scenario. Yes divorce is hard for kids but so is watching their miserable parents in a deeply unhappy loveless relationship. Think what you are modelling to them? Would you tell your kids as adults to stay in a relationship where their partner has told them they neither love nor are physically attracted to them?

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/08/2023 03:10

For children to be from a "broken home" than live in one.

ShippingNews · 25/08/2023 03:24

Just to be different - I actually did this, and finally left / got a divorce when my kids were 22 and 19. The kids had no idea - they have both told me on various occasions that their childhoods were very happy, they thought ex and I were happy . They were shocked when I left, and said that they thought everything was fine. Ex and I were good parents, the kids never saw or heard anything negative, it just wasn't a bad scenario.

Ex got a new partner within a few weeks, and I met my now DH within a year , and to be honest I think we all came out of it fine. I know it's always said on MN that the kids will always know that things are not right, but I don't think this is true. Plenty of people live like I did, and it's not the end of the world.

Personally I'd say that you should at least think it through before you do anything which can't be undone.

Festivfrenzy · 25/08/2023 04:42

Agree with ShippingNews. Depends how bad things are day to day. Are there arguments, visible hostility and are the kids old enough to pick up on it? I'd say arguments in front of them they'd be affected at all ages, but low volume/behind closed doors stuff only older kids would notice unless you're crying in front of them?
Also is there a chance things would change even in 1-2 years time? Does DP respect you as a parent?
Does he listen to your thoughts on child raising? Would that change if you split? I always think there's a hidden disadvantage in separating if DP stops listening to your approach with kids - eg I'm the patient gentle discipline approach where he's strict regimented type- if we split I think they'd find two opposite household atmospheres exhausting plus he might deliberately let them do stuff that I don't just to p me off.

MintJulia · 25/08/2023 05:07

FictionalCharacter · 24/08/2023 17:48

No. I was one of those kids whose mum was told she had to stay in a miserable marriage for the sake of the children. All of our lives were miserable as a result and I often wished she’d just get on and divorce him. The atmosphere in our house was horrible. Don’t kid yourself that they won’t notice. Children always do.

This. Don't let it drag on, it isn't healthy.

jonesysy · 25/08/2023 06:21

Do the kids know there is an unhappy atmosphere? Do you think its going to be a lot happier for them when you separate?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/08/2023 06:39

We tend to learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what do you want to teach your children about relationships?. Whose sake would you be staying for: theirs or far more likely your own because it’s somehow easier?.

Children are not stupid and they can and do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken. They are not going to say thanks mum to you for staying in such an unhappy marriage.

Hibiscrubbed · 25/08/2023 07:18

DH told me a year ago that he isn’t in love with me anymore and isn’t attracted to me, but subsequently has said he wants to stay together for the kids. There is no intimacy anymore and he is fine with that - there’s no one else. He pointed out this happens a lot in older couples but we are only in our late thirties…

Late thirties?! God, no. I wouldn’t stay. That would be utterly, utterly bleak.

Having unhappy parents in the same house does not benefit the children.

Meepertee · 25/08/2023 07:29

The thing is, I'm in this situation. But i can't leave as I can't afford a house big enough for me and the kids.( im in the south east) And I earn £2.200 per month which I now isn't a lot but its not nothing. I've always thought of myself as independent, have always worked, but I'm clearly not.

So I have to stay until they've left then i can move on, on my own. They're (1 boy, 1 girl) teenagers so not long to go now. It's not always as simple as "just leave".

And no, the kids have no idea, my husbandhas no idea!

YourNameGoesHere · 25/08/2023 07:41

Honestly as a child who has been in this situation anyone who thinks their children have no idea is kidding themselves, even if they've told you they didn't chances are they are trying not to hurt your feelings.

Please don't waste the one life you get stuck in a loveless marriage with someone who doesn't appreciate or want to be with you. You're worth more than that and your children won't thank you for laying that kind of guilt on them as they grow up.

crossstitchingnana · 25/08/2023 07:44

What if one of you falls for someone else?

CocoPlum · 25/08/2023 07:49

Things might be amicable and ok now, but think about 10 years from now, when this has been going on a decade, he's met someone else, and your children are doing their exams. Is that the time you want it all to blow up and end, in what might be a complete shock to your DC?

i met my partner in my late 30s after my H left. XH and I have a very civil and flexible coparenting relationship. The children have good relationships with our new partners and I make sure they see what a healthy, respectful, mutually caring relationship looks like.

You're so young. Please don't put up with this for yourself.

user1492757084 · 25/08/2023 08:01

Make a move.

Respect the honesty and negotiate how to financially separate as best as you can while keeping a secure home for the children.
Look at all your options and stay nice to each other.
You will always have a reason to communicate so being nice is in the best interests to all.

Zanatdy · 25/08/2023 08:03

Absolutely not. My parents did and I don’t thank them for it. It was horrible. I wouldn’t remain in a relationship with someone who told me they weren’t attracted to me etc, I’d end it and move on.

Zanatdy · 25/08/2023 08:09

Meepertee · 25/08/2023 07:29

The thing is, I'm in this situation. But i can't leave as I can't afford a house big enough for me and the kids.( im in the south east) And I earn £2.200 per month which I now isn't a lot but its not nothing. I've always thought of myself as independent, have always worked, but I'm clearly not.

So I have to stay until they've left then i can move on, on my own. They're (1 boy, 1 girl) teenagers so not long to go now. It's not always as simple as "just leave".

And no, the kids have no idea, my husbandhas no idea!

You’d get help, you wouldn’t have just your salary to live off. The U.K. doesn’t expect single mums to live off nothing so you’d get support with childcare, rent (if renting) and just general universal credit. People often say they can’t afford to leave but in most cases this isn’t true, it’s just a convenient reason not to rock the boat. If you genuinely would leave it you could afford it, go on entitled to website and use the calculator. I live in the South East too, I earn too much now to get help but in the past I got help with rent and childcare. No I couldn’t afford to buy, and only now my kids are 19 & 15 I’m in a position to buy a flat here. No way I could have stayed in an unhappy relationship and put the kids through living in such an environment (like I did) when there’s plenty of help out there

Zanatdy · 25/08/2023 08:10

YourNameGoesHere · 25/08/2023 07:41

Honestly as a child who has been in this situation anyone who thinks their children have no idea is kidding themselves, even if they've told you they didn't chances are they are trying not to hurt your feelings.

Please don't waste the one life you get stuck in a loveless marriage with someone who doesn't appreciate or want to be with you. You're worth more than that and your children won't thank you for laying that kind of guilt on them as they grow up.

Exactly and sometimes the effects aren’t seen until they are in relationships themselves. Parents who don’t like each other let alone love each other and don’t model what love is (seeing your parents be affectionate to each other) - that’s the example given to your kids on what an adult relationship looks like.

Whinge · 25/08/2023 08:12

Another one here who had parents who tried to stay together for the kids. We knew, the children always do. It was clear they didn't love each other, we knew their relationship was a sham, and when they finally decided to seperate we felt nothing but relief that the lie was finally over.

Please don't make your children responsible for this. You're not staying together for them, and they won't thank you for this.

Seaoftroubles · 25/08/2023 08:23

No, your self esteem will be on the floor. You say you feel heart broken and lonely and if you stay with him this will turn to resentment which your childen will pick up on.
Why should he call all the shots and keep you dangling, saying his feelings might change? You are young and deserve much more than this. Split up now and proritise being good co parents. Down the line your children won't thank you for staying in an unhappy marriage.

EveSix · 25/08/2023 08:33

Meepertee raises an important point.
Sure, get out if you can, but many, many women experience themselves as stuck in lacklustre relationships and marriages because they can't afford to start afresh on their own with the children. I used to be firmly in the "do everyone a favour and move on" camp, until I did the figures for myself.
Saying "just get out, life is too short", when in practice this would mean moving into somewhere which would be too small, too far out of area to easily maintain children's friendships and travel to school etc feels disingenuous. It is a really shitty state of affairs, but it's true.
Were I to decide to exit my relationship, which isn't dire but has seen better days, and go it alone with a 50-50 parenting arrangement with DP, I would be able to buy a small 2 bed flat without a garden (I'd still need a big mortgage) if I wanted to stay even remotely close to where the DC's friends and schools are, and our area is by no means 'desirable'. We've got no debt, savings and a teeny mortgage so would be in a better position than many. I earn more than DP, so he would really struggle to find a place where he could accommodate the DC half the time. And that's before even thinking about the cost of running a household on one income despite us both being very frugal.
Where is the line between not wanting to be significantly worse off and not actually being able to pull it off at all?
There are thousands of women who would love to strike out alone, but find themselves unable to make it work financially, despite earning good salaries and having decent equity. My heart really goes out to all the women who wrestle with this and feel like they ought to move on because "you've only got one life", but see that, on balance, they would be setting themselves and their DC up for a really hard time. It shouldn't be like this, but here we are.