Would you stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids?

[Irange]

I’ve been married ten years, have two primary age DC. DH told me a year ago that he isn’t in love with me anymore and isn’t attracted to me, but subsequently has said he wants to stay together for the kids. There is no intimacy anymore and he is fine with that - there’s no one else. He pointed out this happens a lot in older couples but we are only in our late thirties… he said his feelings might change but he can’t say when.

Would you stay? I’m heartbroken and lonely but it feels selfish to break up the family just because of my feelings. We have tried counselling but it didn’t work. We are able to be friends and parent well together but I want more so it always ends up with me feeling miserable and rejected.

I can only speak to my experience.

I ended my 13 year marriage (20 years together) in November last year. Ex H was abusive and controlling (still is) - the full spectrum from “just” being moody and snappy, to rudeness, name calling, smashing things, throwing things, physical intimidation, and maybe half a dozen instances of physical abuse (from pushing and shoving and grabbing to once giving me a black eye). In between there was no physical affection and we mainly slept in separate beds after the arrival of DC2 as he refused to get up in the night. My kids are 5 & 8.

Ending the marriage was the best decision I have ever made. I am lucky that our day to day standard of life won’t change too much as I can afford to buy exH out of the house. The kids go to his approx 2 nights a week. He threatened 50:50 initially (which stressed me hugely) but is too lazy to follow through.

I didn’t realise how badly our toxic marriage was affecting the kids. The change in my 8 year old is noticeable - he is so much “lighter” now we are not navigating Dad’s moods. So am I. Yes it is hard and the kids say they don’t like the split but DS1 also says the fighting made him scared and anxious. I thought I was shielding them but I wasn’t. The kids notice how much happier I am, I used to be so angry and resentful all the time.

I’ve started a relationship with someone else - he hasn’t met my kids yet - and I can’t believe how easy relationships can be and how amazing it is to feel loved after so long existing on crumbs. I am only 41 - the thought of living in my marriage being emotionally and physically battered for potentially 50 years makes my blood run cold. To be honest the emotional withholding was almost worse than the physical abuse.

What is scary is that exH’s parents had an awful toxic marriage and stayed together “for the kids” until splitting up when I was 23 - just before I met him 🫠 And he replicated in our marriage what he saw role modelled in theirs.

sorry - when he was 23. I was only 20 🥺

The thing is, no-one - no-one at all - would tell you you should have stayed in that marriage (well OK a few fundy religious types might but I think we can and should discount them).

It is completely different to what OP describes, just a romance that has run its course but a partnership that works in most other ways, with kids involved.

Abuse and even a bad atmosphere is no environment to bring up kids. You did absolutely the right thing getting away from your awful partner, and would b well advised to keep him away from your poor kids as much as possible.

But would you have left him if he was a perfectly decent man, pulled his weight financially and emotionally with the children, but for whatever reason the spark was gone? would that alone be a good enough reason to put your kids through the challenges they are now having to deal with moving between homes, encountering new partners, perhaps in time feeling 'replaced' by new half siblings?

It's a much more complicated scenario.

My parents apparently stayed together 'for the kids', although with the benefit of hindsight I can see that we had nothing to do with it and they were completely enmeshed together in their drama. Try and be as honest with yourself as you can as you make decisions going forward. Your kids are absorbing everything on some level so do what you can to make a situation where you are ok and can parent them as healthily as possible. Just try and salvage your own mental health I think is the bottom line, no matter what happens.

Fuck no. I've been the kid who's parents stayed together "for my sake".

It was miserable, my Mum turned into someone I didn't recognise, from this happy person to someone quiet and distant. My Dad spent as much time out of the house as possible, and ended up having multiple affairs, which did finally break them up. My relationship with him still isn't great, 20 year later.

My Mum died in her 50s, and while she did find love again later in life, me and my brother live with the guilt that she was a happy for nearly a fifth of her life, and that she put up with it for us.

So no, don't stay in a unhappy marriage for the kids. Yes they'll be upset when you split, but long term they'll be far happier with two happy, well adjusted parents.

the thing is @herewegoroundthebastardbush when you’re in it it can be quite hard to see. Obviously I knew that physical abuse was not acceptable but that was rare (over 20 years) and didn’t happen in front of the kids. Much more damaging and pervasive (IMO) was the total lack of affection and love in our marriage.

To the outside world we had a long & stable marriage, 2 great kids, a very affluent middle class life - overseas trips, a beach house etc - and to a certain extent I fooled myself for a long time that that was good, and that DH was just very stressed and we were struggling with the challenges of two young children and both running big jobs. It really wasn’t until I was out of it that I realised just how awful it (and he) was.

That said I acknowledge your point - if breaking up meant pulling my kids out of their school, moving from our comfortable home to something much less comfortable, having to hand them over to their father 50% - I wouldn’t have done it. Which is why I stayed until I was at a point in my career where I could manage on my own (although I didn’t consciously acknowledge this to myself - it was just that once I was earning enough, the idea of divorce being a viable option occurred to me and then I couldn’t shake it).