Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing someone new, red flags?

74 replies

Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 14:23

I'm being pathetic I know....

I've just started seeing a guy, it's been about 2 months but we've known each other for 2 years via work, and I've liked him the whole time.

He seems super keen on me when we are together and we message throughout the day on WhatsApp.

However, I've noticed he's online a lot but not talking to me and can take a while to read and reply to my message. At the pub the other night he was talking to a mutual friend of ours, who is female and attractive, and he seemed a bit flirty with her.

I'm just wondering if he seems to be a bit of a player, telling me what I want to hear when we are together, yet in actual fact not in it for the long run.

Would you consider these red flags or should I just get a grip of myself?! I've come out of a long relationship and now feel insecure and jealous and that's not like me.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 24/08/2023 14:37

Well potentially the flirting is a problem. I mean it could just be his character and nothing meant by it but...

Is there love bombing going on? Its just you say he is super keen and in touch throughout the day. Often the wrong sort are full on early on and then blow cold. Sometimes they blow cold in wats that only we would notice as its different from their normal keenness. Eg: being online and not replying for ages but seemingly their usual.self in person.

So that could be whats going on.

But you also say you're feeling insecure after your long term relationship. Well maybe thats all there is to it. And if so- it's not time to be dating right now. Take some time single.

Pastarasta1 · 24/08/2023 14:40

If you're getting to the point already where you're looking at him being online... I'd say this is not the one for you.

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 14:42

@Pinkbonbon thank you so much for replying to me. Yes I'm now thinking he may be love bombing me, he seems so sincere though!

With regards to my long term relationship I was not insecure and jealous then, it's my new relationship making me feel like this and I don't like it 😞

I think you're right, maybe I should be single for a while.

OP posts:
BananaSlug · 24/08/2023 14:42

How do you know he is constantly online sounds a bit sad to keep checking?

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 14:43

Pastarasta1 · 24/08/2023 14:40

If you're getting to the point already where you're looking at him being online... I'd say this is not the one for you.

You're so right. It's not healthy is it.

I've never felt like this before and it's horrible! Im a grown women for goodness sake I should know better

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 14:44

BananaSlug · 24/08/2023 14:42

How do you know he is constantly online sounds a bit sad to keep checking?

Cos I'm a loser and keep checking. It's not good.

OP posts:
blissfu · 24/08/2023 14:45

What does seeing mean?

are you in an exclusive relationship?

what do you guys do?

Furryrug · 24/08/2023 14:45

I'm always online and it's most definitely nothing dodgy. I would be a bit worried if I were him that you are monitoring his activity.
He's also allowed to speak to women , whether or not he's flirting is something we can't really give an opinion on .
But if you aren't happy, then he's not the one for you.

Pinkbonbon · 24/08/2023 14:50

Instead of bringing out the best in you, this relationship is threatening to destroy your self esteem and mental health. So whatever going on, he's not the man for you.

Tell him you've enjoyed his company but have decided you want to be single for the time being. That way you hopefully get out cleanly.

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 14:54

blissfu · 24/08/2023 14:45

What does seeing mean?

are you in an exclusive relationship?

what do you guys do?

He makes me dinner at his house, we go out to the pub, cinema etc. He treats me like I'm some sort of goddess when we are together just us. We have great sexual chemistry.
But when we aren't together I've turned into a needy, insecure person that I don't like.
We haven't had the chat yet about exclusivity which is why I think I'm feeling this way....

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 14:56

Pinkbonbon · 24/08/2023 14:50

Instead of bringing out the best in you, this relationship is threatening to destroy your self esteem and mental health. So whatever going on, he's not the man for you.

Tell him you've enjoyed his company but have decided you want to be single for the time being. That way you hopefully get out cleanly.

Thank you, you're so right. I like him so much that I think I'm infatuated and it's not healthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 14:57

Furryrug · 24/08/2023 14:45

I'm always online and it's most definitely nothing dodgy. I would be a bit worried if I were him that you are monitoring his activity.
He's also allowed to speak to women , whether or not he's flirting is something we can't really give an opinion on .
But if you aren't happy, then he's not the one for you.

I know, it's crazy I'm acting this way.

OP posts:
Saysoe · 24/08/2023 15:04

Love bombers always sound sincere hence why so many fall for it.

how long was your gap between separation and starting this new relationship?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 15:10

Not red flags 🚩
BUT

hes making you insecure already !!!

that’s a red flag in terms of your mental health

so maybe you need to slow down. Step back
stop texting all day
and cooly assess the situation a bit ?

you like him so much why ?

is he that amazing - or is this chemistry and the first fling in a while ? so you have these great new feelings and you like them and have him on a pedestal ?

TotalOverhaul · 24/08/2023 15:10

Why is it not OK for him to be online talking to other people? I wouldn't see that as a red flag. Even early in a relationship, if I was chatting online with a friend or client, I would wait until that chat was over before I replied, even if it took an hour. I'd hate to go out with someone who thought their messages had to take priority over everything else. That really is needy.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 15:12

Let him chase and ask about exclusivity

‘hey as we are now having sex , I need to check before we meet again if this is exclusive , thanks !

i know we often don’t ask as scared of the answer

been there !!

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 15:13

Saysoe · 24/08/2023 15:04

Love bombers always sound sincere hence why so many fall for it.

how long was your gap between separation and starting this new relationship?

Now I'm wondering if I've been a fool. Do lovebombers know what they are doing, ie is it deliberately done to get what they want?

We've liked each other since we met 2 years ago but were both in relationships. Mine ended only 5 months ago. Maybe I shouldn't have jumped in with a new one so fast. Although now I'm wondering if he's genuine.

OP posts:
MrsFiddle · 24/08/2023 15:14

How is HE making her insecure? He could be chatting to mates, participating in football online leagues etc.

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 15:16

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 15:10

Not red flags 🚩
BUT

hes making you insecure already !!!

that’s a red flag in terms of your mental health

so maybe you need to slow down. Step back
stop texting all day
and cooly assess the situation a bit ?

you like him so much why ?

is he that amazing - or is this chemistry and the first fling in a while ? so you have these great new feelings and you like them and have him on a pedestal ?

Yes I agree, I've rushed in.

I think he's lovely, kind, caring, funny and great chemistry. But he is a flirt and it irritates me and makes me wonder if I'm just another woman to add to his list.

Yes I'm going to step back I think, thank you!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 24/08/2023 15:17

I think ops worry was it seemed flirty though.
Which may just be his normal state of bring and not mean anything. Some people are pretty tactile...or even just huge flirts but without it meaning anything.

But for some reason it tweaked on ops radar in an uncomfortable way. Perhaps because she doesn't know where they stand yet, it made her worry they might not be as exclusive as she thought.

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 15:17

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 15:12

Let him chase and ask about exclusivity

‘hey as we are now having sex , I need to check before we meet again if this is exclusive , thanks !

i know we often don’t ask as scared of the answer

been there !!

It's horrible isn't it! I think I'm just going to try to cool it down a bit, think its been too much too soon and I'm now doubting sincerity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 15:20

MrsFiddle · 24/08/2023 15:14

How is HE making her insecure? He could be chatting to mates, participating in football online leagues etc.

This is exactly what I would be saying to a friend! It's like I'm suddenly needy and jealous which is just so not like me.

That's why I know I'm being pathetic, it's cringeworthy.

OP posts:
dooneyousmugelf · 24/08/2023 15:22

Is the exclusivity chat stuff a recent thing? I've noticed it on Love Island, has it translated to real life as well or was it the other way round? When I would be going out with someone, you'd be 'together' and it would go without saying that you were exclusive. God, I sound old (I'm not. But not looking to date)

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 15:23

It’s not pathetic

you like him and you don’t want to invest more energy until you have the measure of him

maybe slow down , back off and do some other stuff with friends

and ask him re exlusivity

if he likes you he’ll confirm
it’s not an unreasonable ask

livelaughlobotomy · 24/08/2023 15:24

Does he use WhatsApp for work at all?
My partner uses WhatsApp for work, he has a few group chats going on as he is the manager for a number of different stores so he has a lot going on there. He may not always see your messages straight away?

However if he is making you feel like this already, I would question whether he's the right guy for you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread