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Original poster

Seeing someone new, red flags?

74 replies

Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 14:23

I'm being pathetic I know....

I've just started seeing a guy, it's been about 2 months but we've known each other for 2 years via work, and I've liked him the whole time.

He seems super keen on me when we are together and we message throughout the day on WhatsApp.

However, I've noticed he's online a lot but not talking to me and can take a while to read and reply to my message. At the pub the other night he was talking to a mutual friend of ours, who is female and attractive, and he seemed a bit flirty with her.

I'm just wondering if he seems to be a bit of a player, telling me what I want to hear when we are together, yet in actual fact not in it for the long run.

Would you consider these red flags or should I just get a grip of myself?! I've come out of a long relationship and now feel insecure and jealous and that's not like me.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 15:25

dooneyousmugelf

i think that as OLD has made casual sex so easily available …. It’s not new per se but a very valid question

Octosaurus · 24/08/2023 15:25

Trust your gut. The fact you're already feeling a bit off about being ignored and the flirting would be huge red flags to me. Get out while you can

Mmhmmn · 24/08/2023 15:28

"With regards to my long term relationship I was not insecure and jealous then, it's my new relationship making me feel like this and I don't like it"

His flirting is and I think this is a red flag.

If you feel like he's love bombing when together but also inconsistent and you're feeling weird, it doesn't bode well. I was love bombed and did notice stuff that didn't feel right but didn't think in terms of love bombing and red flags. I wish I'd given those uncertain feelings more respect - they're there to protect you, so trust yourself.

If it's not feeling good, it's not good.

dooneyousmugelf · 24/08/2023 15:31

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 15:25

dooneyousmugelf

i think that as OLD has made casual sex so easily available …. It’s not new per se but a very valid question

Hmmm, maybe. I've had my fair share of casual sex but I always made sure it was just that. I always knew when I was sleeping with someone and when I was in a relationship with someone. OP is describing 'couple' activities as opposed to just shagging.
Sorry to have dropped the 'exclusivity' question on your thread, OP. Its something I've noticed more and more of recently am I just wondered what it's all about!

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 15:44

You are all so lovely and helpful thank you! I really appreciate all your comments.

I'm in my thirties now and I genuinely thought I wouldn't feel all insecure like I did back in my early twenties.

I guess the trouble is that I've known him for a while and we always said we wanted to be together. When we both found ourselves single I presumed it would be easy and I'd feel secure with him. But the flirting has set a seed of doubt and the constant online status...

I'm going to try to back off a little and cool things down. If he wants to be with me and me only, then he needs to make this clear. I don't like who I am currently, it's not healthy!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 24/08/2023 15:48

Now I'm wondering if I've been a fool. Do lovebombers know what they are doing, ie is it deliberately done to get what they want?

Yes, they know exactly what they're doing.

I'm not saying he IS love-bombing you, but the signs are there - you're already very invested, and also feeling insecure.

In a new relationship, where you are equals, you should be feeling happy and confident, not anxious and concerned.

I'd say there are a lot of red flags, actually. This man seems to have got you on the back foot already - and that's not good at all.

Mmhmmn · 24/08/2023 15:49

Yep, men that make you feel like that are best avoided IME. Peace of mind is so much nicer than torment and uncertainty, and feeling like a guy is taking the piss out of you.

TheShellBeach · 24/08/2023 15:50

I don't like who I am currently, it's not healthy!

No. And you sound (at the moment) like a teenager who has had no experience of dating whatsoever, not a mature woman - so for that reason, I think you need to step back, because this man is not making you feel happy and confident in your relationship, is he?

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 15:51

TheShellBeach · 24/08/2023 15:48

Now I'm wondering if I've been a fool. Do lovebombers know what they are doing, ie is it deliberately done to get what they want?

Yes, they know exactly what they're doing.

I'm not saying he IS love-bombing you, but the signs are there - you're already very invested, and also feeling insecure.

In a new relationship, where you are equals, you should be feeling happy and confident, not anxious and concerned.

I'd say there are a lot of red flags, actually. This man seems to have got you on the back foot already - and that's not good at all.

Seriously how do men have this effect on women! It's crazy isn't it!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 24/08/2023 15:51

OP, you say you've known him for a couple of years.

What is his previous relationship history? Has he mentioned any ex-girlfriends to you? Did he talk about them with respect?

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 15:52

TheShellBeach · 24/08/2023 15:50

I don't like who I am currently, it's not healthy!

No. And you sound (at the moment) like a teenager who has had no experience of dating whatsoever, not a mature woman - so for that reason, I think you need to step back, because this man is not making you feel happy and confident in your relationship, is he?

Yes you're right. I'm acting like a teenager it's ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 15:54

TheShellBeach · 24/08/2023 15:51

OP, you say you've known him for a couple of years.

What is his previous relationship history? Has he mentioned any ex-girlfriends to you? Did he talk about them with respect?

He has never said a bad word about them actually. Just that they wanted different things. I don't know a lot about them to be honest. But he doesn't generally speak badly of anyone, he's very kind.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 24/08/2023 16:29

Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 15:54

He has never said a bad word about them actually. Just that they wanted different things. I don't know a lot about them to be honest. But he doesn't generally speak badly of anyone, he's very kind.

Show quote history

Well, that's something in his favour, anyway.

Pinkbonbon · 24/08/2023 16:47

You could potentially just ask him if he wants to be your boyfriend. It's been two months of dating and he's known you longer. Yes it's not ideal to have to be the one to ask. And there's nothing to say it would change things for you and make you feel more secure. But I think I'd rather do that than back off and end up in wishy washy land giving mixed signals to him.

I mean obviously if he's a love bomber then, run. Normal people don't love bomb (with the exception maybe of some young people who are very new to dating and don't know how to go about it). It's the domain of abusers.

But I'd just straight up, face to face, ask him what he wants and see how he reacts.

shivermetimbers77 · 24/08/2023 16:51

I also think you should talk to him OP.. Two months is not too early to have a relaxed chat about where things are going, especially if you were already friends for two years

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 16:52

TheShellBeach

id say to not immediately categorise him as a love bombing narcissist dilettante

hes just a guy and you have said he’s kind
hes also had girlfriends so presumably can be monogonous

but some character types are not a match for others

he’s nice but his ways are making you anxious

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 17:30

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 16:52

TheShellBeach

id say to not immediately categorise him as a love bombing narcissist dilettante

hes just a guy and you have said he’s kind
hes also had girlfriends so presumably can be monogonous

but some character types are not a match for others

he’s nice but his ways are making you anxious

Yes that's true, he is super nice but something is making me anxious...

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 24/08/2023 17:50

Give him some space! Your neediness will drive him away. It's only been two months and you're not exclusive yet. He doesn't need to account for his time to you.

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 18:08

LifeExperience · 24/08/2023 17:50

Give him some space! Your neediness will drive him away. It's only been two months and you're not exclusive yet. He doesn't need to account for his time to you.

I'm going to. Haven't messaged him this afternoon and won't unless he messages me.

OP posts:
MrsFiddle · 24/08/2023 20:21

The one thing I would add is that after two months I would expect there to be a plan for the next meeting eg see you at the weekend or see you Wed evening. I had to install this in my now H. 😂However I also know women who completely freak out unless a man they are chatting to does not message them morning and night to say so - that is hard to understand and a bit odd to me.

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 21:38

MrsFiddle · 24/08/2023 20:21

The one thing I would add is that after two months I would expect there to be a plan for the next meeting eg see you at the weekend or see you Wed evening. I had to install this in my now H. 😂However I also know women who completely freak out unless a man they are chatting to does not message them morning and night to say so - that is hard to understand and a bit odd to me.

Thank you for your response. So we see each other 3/4 times a week currently. I would say it's both of us that arrange our get togethers equally.
I agree with you about the messaging, I don't know why I'm like this ahhhh!

OP posts:
harerunner · 24/08/2023 22:19

LifeExperience · 24/08/2023 17:50

Give him some space! Your neediness will drive him away. It's only been two months and you're not exclusive yet. He doesn't need to account for his time to you.

The idea that you can be dating and shagging someone for two months, and for that not to be exclusive is bizarre!

DatingDinosaur · 24/08/2023 22:25

I think you’re just a bit scared at finding someone so nice so soon after your previous relationship and you’ve not given yourself enough time (for you) to process the previous relationship before getting together with this guy. Sort of cold feet.

Is he flirty with every female? Has he got that sort of outgoing personality? Or are you looking for demons because you feel insecure?

The stalking when he’s online though and thinking he’s up to no good if he’s not messaging you? Yeah, knock that on the head. Make sure you have a life outside of this relationship with him so the sole focus of your thoughts and time isn’t just him, what he's up to, and why.

It might be that you’re simply not ready to date properly yet. But you needed to date to figure that out..maybe?

Not all relationships fail because of red flags. Sometimes one or the other person just isn’t in the right place at the time for a relationship, any relationship, and it has nothing to do with any faults, or not, the other may have.

I personally think it’s normal to feel a bit insecure after a serious relationship ends. Whatever the reason. Your confidence gets knocked and it makes you more cautious because you “don’t want to go through that again”. Time (and maybe therapy) can heal that. But until then, you’re protecting your emotional heart from being hurt again.

Original poster
Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 22:30

DatingDinosaur · 24/08/2023 22:25

I think you’re just a bit scared at finding someone so nice so soon after your previous relationship and you’ve not given yourself enough time (for you) to process the previous relationship before getting together with this guy. Sort of cold feet.

Is he flirty with every female? Has he got that sort of outgoing personality? Or are you looking for demons because you feel insecure?

The stalking when he’s online though and thinking he’s up to no good if he’s not messaging you? Yeah, knock that on the head. Make sure you have a life outside of this relationship with him so the sole focus of your thoughts and time isn’t just him, what he's up to, and why.

It might be that you’re simply not ready to date properly yet. But you needed to date to figure that out..maybe?

Not all relationships fail because of red flags. Sometimes one or the other person just isn’t in the right place at the time for a relationship, any relationship, and it has nothing to do with any faults, or not, the other may have.

I personally think it’s normal to feel a bit insecure after a serious relationship ends. Whatever the reason. Your confidence gets knocked and it makes you more cautious because you “don’t want to go through that again”. Time (and maybe therapy) can heal that. But until then, you’re protecting your emotional heart from being hurt again.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me with some great advice.

Yes he is flirty with all women really and it irks me as I suppose I thought he would stop doing it now that he's seeing me.

You are absolutely right I need to stop the stalking his WhatsApp online activity, it's ridiculous of me.

OP posts:
harerunner · 24/08/2023 22:31

TotalOverhaul · 24/08/2023 15:10

Why is it not OK for him to be online talking to other people? I wouldn't see that as a red flag. Even early in a relationship, if I was chatting online with a friend or client, I would wait until that chat was over before I replied, even if it took an hour. I'd hate to go out with someone who thought their messages had to take priority over everything else. That really is needy.

It often takes me much longer than an hour to reply to messages,whether or not I'm messaging other people! And some of my friends can take even longer!

OP - If you're meeting 3-4 times a week, it's very likely he's only seeing you, and he probably isn't responding immediately to your messages because he's busy, or because he had other messages that required a response.

In an ideal world you wouldn't need to, but you need to have an exclusivity conversation... If he won't commit, it's good that you know now. If he does, that will take a load off your mind.