Page 3 | Seeing someone new, red flags?

Tomhanksismine · 2023-08-24T13:23:53+00:00

I'm being pathetic I know.... I've just started seeing a guy, it's been about 2 months but we've known each other for 2 years via work, and I've liked him the whole time. He seems super keen on me when we are together and we message throughout the day on WhatsApp. However, I've noticed he's online a lot but not talking to me and can take a while to read and reply to my message. At the pub the other night he was talking to a mutual friend of ours, who is female and attractive, and he seemed a bit flirty with her. I'm just wondering if he seems to be a bit of a player, telling me what I want to hear when we are together, yet in actual fact not in it for the long run. Would you consider these red flags or should I just get a grip of myself?! I've come out of a long relationship and now feel insecure and jealous and that's not like me.

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 22:33

harerunner · 24/08/2023 22:31

It often takes me much longer than an hour to reply to messages,whether or not I'm messaging other people! And some of my friends can take even longer!

OP - If you're meeting 3-4 times a week, it's very likely he's only seeing you, and he probably isn't responding immediately to your messages because he's busy, or because he had other messages that required a response.

In an ideal world you wouldn't need to, but you need to have an exclusivity conversation... If he won't commit, it's good that you know now. If he does, that will take a load off your mind.

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Thank you, I really hope it's just me who he is seeing. A part of me thinks he is lining someone else up.... just a feeling!
Maybe I should have a chat with him and see what his thoughts are.

OP posts:

BackAgainstWall · 24/08/2023 22:40

The flirting would be the end for me. Can’t stand it personally.

It’s never a bad thing to listen to your instincts.

Something is telling you something is not right.

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 23:07

BackAgainstWall · 24/08/2023 22:40

The flirting would be the end for me. Can’t stand it personally.

It’s never a bad thing to listen to your instincts.

Something is telling you something is not right.

It's a bit disrespectful isn't it. Makes me feel rubbish doing it right infront of me and makes me wonder what he does when he isn't around me!

OP posts:

omgsally · 24/08/2023 23:23

Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 23:07

It's a bit disrespectful isn't it. Makes me feel rubbish doing it right infront of me and makes me wonder what he does when he isn't around me!

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In that case, stop with the angst and the checking up and the internal wrangling and back right off him. He's not the right guy for you if he's openly flirting right in front of you. Don't do it to yourself. Have strong boundaries and stick to them.

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 23:24

Sod him he's online and ignoring my messages. I hate men.

OP posts:

samestyle · 24/08/2023 23:44

I agree with BackAgainstWall.
flirting with other women in front of you is disrespectful, also I think he's a player, no talk of being exclusive and online a lot and ignoring you, if he doesn't make you feel good and secure then it's not a good basis for a relationship anyway. Be kind to yourself and only accept the best, men that don't make you feel special can go and do one.

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 24/08/2023 23:49

samestyle · 24/08/2023 23:44

I agree with BackAgainstWall.
flirting with other women in front of you is disrespectful, also I think he's a player, no talk of being exclusive and online a lot and ignoring you, if he doesn't make you feel good and secure then it's not a good basis for a relationship anyway. Be kind to yourself and only accept the best, men that don't make you feel special can go and do one.

Yes you're right thank you. I need to end this nonsense. I feel totally shit and constantly waiting on him to contact me. What an idiot I am. I feel really upset.

OP posts:

Bananasplitlady · 25/08/2023 00:01

I currently have 35 unread WA messages (some are groups). I know that several of them, the minute I respond, even if the required answer is a 👍 will then instantly message again. If I'm in a conversation about eg work or trying to sort out the teenager, I don't want to get into texting someone else inane comments and pointless chat. If someone wants a conversation, ring me, but endless text tennis bores me to death. So not everyone is flirting, sometimes we just don't have time or energy for protracted chatter.

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 25/08/2023 10:37

Bananasplitlady · 25/08/2023 00:01

I currently have 35 unread WA messages (some are groups). I know that several of them, the minute I respond, even if the required answer is a 👍 will then instantly message again. If I'm in a conversation about eg work or trying to sort out the teenager, I don't want to get into texting someone else inane comments and pointless chat. If someone wants a conversation, ring me, but endless text tennis bores me to death. So not everyone is flirting, sometimes we just don't have time or energy for protracted chatter.

This would ring true for him had it not been for the fact that we usually message endlessly. He's definitely cooled with me the last few days. I feel like I'm losing him without even having him 😔

OP posts:

Knackeredhamster · 25/08/2023 11:16

Actively ignoring you not good and tells you all you need to know.

You just have to get your head around accepting it.

He's cooled off. Don't chase him for explanations.
Of course you need an explanation but, for your self esteem don't be asking.

You don't need to ask to somehow 'proove' your feelings to him.
He knows you like him, it being such a long time in the getting eventually together.

It hurts, don't be unkind to yourself.

Honestly I hope this starts putting you off him.

X

Knackeredhamster · 25/08/2023 11:18

Prove not proove

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 25/08/2023 11:27

Knackeredhamster · 25/08/2023 11:16

Actively ignoring you not good and tells you all you need to know.

You just have to get your head around accepting it.

He's cooled off. Don't chase him for explanations.
Of course you need an explanation but, for your self esteem don't be asking.

You don't need to ask to somehow 'proove' your feelings to him.
He knows you like him, it being such a long time in the getting eventually together.

It hurts, don't be unkind to yourself.

Honestly I hope this starts putting you off him.

X

Thank you, he did just message me but it was very blunt, like one word. You're right I need to hold onto my dignity and not chase him, as hard as that may be. I need you all to tell me NOT to message him again!! I don't want to look desperate. I'm just so confused. The other night he talked about what a future together may look like and was so affectionate. So upsetting, I wish I wasn't so invested 😪

OP posts:

Valerie23 · 25/08/2023 11:47

I don't understand this messaging malarkey throughout the day!

What do you talk about when you meet up? Perhaps that's why he's chatting to the attractive woman? They've probably got stuff to talk about.

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 25/08/2023 11:49

Valerie23 · 25/08/2023 11:47

I don't understand this messaging malarkey throughout the day!

What do you talk about when you meet up? Perhaps that's why he's chatting to the attractive woman? They've probably got stuff to talk about.

All sorts. We laugh and joke and talk about the future. But now I think he was just love bombing me as someone upthread said...

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 25/08/2023 13:49

But now I think he was just love bombing me as someone upthread said...

Maybe. Or maybe he just isn't as keen on you as you seem to be on him.

I can't really see any evidence of love-bombing, but I can see evidence of him not treating you with respect, and you being a little needy for some reason.

May I suggest that you just ignore him for two days. See what happens. If he doesn't contact you, you'll know where you stand.

Pinkbonbon · 25/08/2023 14:48

I'm always wary of people that need to be in constant contact.

A good test for the love bomber sort I find is if they know you are busy with something else that's important to you, they often up the contact. Normal people would give you space at they know you are busy. But love bombers are narcissistic and hate that your attention might be on something else.

So if they know you're studying for a test or packing for a move or even, that your family are visiting, they're suddenly extra texty texty. Or trying to get you to hang out.

But if he's blowing cold atm then he might be starting the devaluation part of the cycle that comes after love bombing/between sections of lovebombing. So might be less interested in how busy you are.

But if maybe you look back over the last 2 months and think about times where you had a deadline or something and he was suddenly really keen to hang out...?

Also just never be glued to your phone for anyone! I try to leave texting primarily just for arranging dates. The odd meme or mid week chat, fine. But don't be glued to it all day. Otherwise, even when they aren't love bombers, you'll get worried when the amount of texting changes.

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 25/08/2023 14:55

Pinkbonbon · 25/08/2023 14:48

I'm always wary of people that need to be in constant contact.

A good test for the love bomber sort I find is if they know you are busy with something else that's important to you, they often up the contact. Normal people would give you space at they know you are busy. But love bombers are narcissistic and hate that your attention might be on something else.

So if they know you're studying for a test or packing for a move or even, that your family are visiting, they're suddenly extra texty texty. Or trying to get you to hang out.

But if he's blowing cold atm then he might be starting the devaluation part of the cycle that comes after love bombing/between sections of lovebombing. So might be less interested in how busy you are.

But if maybe you look back over the last 2 months and think about times where you had a deadline or something and he was suddenly really keen to hang out...?

Also just never be glued to your phone for anyone! I try to leave texting primarily just for arranging dates. The odd meme or mid week chat, fine. But don't be glued to it all day. Otherwise, even when they aren't love bombers, you'll get worried when the amount of texting changes.

Edited

Thank you @Pinkbonbon you've been so kind and helpful. I will see what he is like over the weekend and report back! X

OP posts:

LittleMonks11 · 25/08/2023 15:11

Do

Not

Message

Him

Wait

For

Him

To

Message

You

And get yourself busy this weekend with friends 😄

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 25/08/2023 15:46

LittleMonks11 · 25/08/2023 15:11

Do

Not

Message

Him

Wait

For

Him

To

Message

You

And get yourself busy this weekend with friends 😄

This made me smile thank you! Luckily I have a busy weekend ahead of me. I will try not to look at my phone!

OP posts:

hdbs17 · 25/08/2023 16:10

But then you're online when you're checking to see if he's online so he may be thinking the same about you always being online.....

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 25/08/2023 16:34

hdbs17 · 25/08/2023 16:10

But then you're online when you're checking to see if he's online so he may be thinking the same about you always being online.....

True!

OP posts:

LittleMonks11 · 09/09/2023 22:55

How's it going OP?

Original poster

Tomhanksismine · 14/09/2023 09:06

@LittleMonks11 thank you for asking 😊
After I started this thread we got super close, he has been amazing.
Last night he made me dinner and got me flowers and told me he has fallen in love with me. We are now officially together and I'm so very happy.
He was mortified I felt the way I did a few weeks ago and had flirted, and he has been nothing but a perfect gent since. It helps that we knew each other as friends prior to this so I know he's a good guy.

OP posts:

LittleMonks11 · 14/09/2023 10:51

Tomhanksismine · 14/09/2023 09:06

@LittleMonks11 thank you for asking 😊
After I started this thread we got super close, he has been amazing.
Last night he made me dinner and got me flowers and told me he has fallen in love with me. We are now officially together and I'm so very happy.
He was mortified I felt the way I did a few weeks ago and had flirted, and he has been nothing but a perfect gent since. It helps that we knew each other as friends prior to this so I know he's a good guy.

Ahhhh that's lovely. Glad it's going well 😊