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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he has gone

58 replies

jenk1 · 29/02/2008 19:50

dh has left home.

he moved back during the middle of january with promises of how he would change but he hasnt.

ive got a big pile of debts that he promised he would sort out and he didnt.

he was still being aggresive to ds and me and so i asked him to leave 3/4 weeks ago and he begged me for yet ANOTHER chance and like a fool i said yes cos i still care for him and thought maybe just maybe being around people who love and care for him would help him see his behaviour was not on.

but no, im flogging a dead horse, i cant give anymore emotional strength to him, he,s got problems and he needs professional help.

i feel gutted, so sad and angry at him.

but i know ive done the right thing and this time its for good.

OP posts:

Califrau · 29/02/2008 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 29/02/2008 19:54

be strong

there is life after a marriage ends.

I had a useless 1st dh and flogged a dead horse for years.Could not see any future and now have a happy life with a lovely dh

xxx

Wisteria · 29/02/2008 19:54

I'm sorry Jenk ut well done as well.

You are being a strong woman and not letting your ds grow up in an aggressive household. It's called good parenting and I know it takes a lot of strength to go it alone, but it does get both easier and better.

nobodysfool · 29/02/2008 19:55

Sorry your hurting.
You know you have done the right thing by the sounds of it.
Wish you all the happiness in the world.

hecate · 29/02/2008 19:56

Very sorry to hear it. Having read a few of your threads, my opinion (for the nothing it is worth!) is that you've done the only thing you can, under the circumstances. Shit for you, though.

Original poster

jenk1 · 29/02/2008 19:59

this is my 2nd dh.

my first was a complete arsehole and cheated so many times and i was so niave.

i really thought dh was the one and we would stay together forever.

i cant beleive we are so unimportant to him to want him to change.

OP posts:

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 29/02/2008 20:06

well lets hope the next one is a diamond.You deserve it.Men can be arseholes.I went out with loads and used to think 'is it me?' But its not.Its them.They only thing you have been is nice.His loss.

staryeyed · 29/02/2008 20:49

Come on Jenk. I've been following your story. He isn't treating your Ds right and he's manipulating you. Yes its scary bringing up children on your own but really do you want this man in your life?

Original poster

jenk1 · 29/02/2008 20:59

no i dont staryeyed. you are right, its just very hard.

OP posts:

staryeyed · 29/02/2008 21:20

I know I shared a similar story (minus children) on one of your other threads. Now Im going to give you my unsolicited advice:

Think of it this way- I bet when things went wrong with your first husband that you wouldn't meet anyone else etc but you did. Maybe this second one isn't right for you. Maybe its time to think about how to build your own esteem so that when you meet someone else you will be stronger and confident and set boundaries for the way they treat you. If you can become more confident maybe you can work things out with your husband but with new boundaries in place.

colditz · 29/02/2008 21:21

Well done Jenk1, chin up honeypie.

TLV · 29/02/2008 21:38

for you, hope you are ok, know how you feel, my stbx dh has been gone for 5mths and it will get easier (honest)

Original poster

jenk1 · 29/02/2008 21:38

dont think i can work things out with him, he needs to stop being jealous of ds and accepting that i want a life instead of being stuck in waiting around for him.

i feel so angry towards him that he cannot let go of his anger towards his past/childhood and that he takes it out on the people who love him most me and the kids.

i do feel at rock bottom and that i wont meet anyone who will love me and my kids in a healthy way.

OP posts:

staryeyed · 29/02/2008 21:48

Ofcourse you will Jenk. If there is no chance then concentrate on your future. Allow your self some down time to grieve this all and then pick yourself up and make steps towards the life you want. Dont get caught in a spiral of him leaving and coming back again.

Original poster

jenk1 · 01/03/2008 12:15

well im feeling a bit better today.

but the manipulation has already started, this morning he phoned saying he,d forgotten what time he was picking the kids up.

he knew what time cos i checked with him yesterday.

he was not in a good mood today when he arrived to pick them up saying so ive got to take them bowling (his idea) then drop off ds at my mums and then ive got to pick him back up at tea and take him and dd to burger king (again his plans not mine) so i said well you arranged it with the kids and he pulled his face and i said so are you saying you dont want to do that?

but he cant manipulate me any more cos i see what he is trying to do, he left some clothes here yesterday and i had them bagged up for him this morning and he wasnt impressed.

OP posts:

QueenMeabhOfConnaught · 01/03/2008 12:34

jenk, you are sounding really strong at the moment, which is fantastic!

staryeyed · 01/03/2008 14:08

Be strong!

Original poster

jenk1 · 01/03/2008 19:29

when he dropped ds off he came in the house with dd to show me some socks he,d bought her.

he said to ds im taking the DS lite charger, yours is lost but it will be in the house somewhere, ds looked upset and i said well he will be upset later if his battery runs out, so he threw it on the sofa and ds said no its ok dad you have it.

so he picked it back up and said when i drop dd off tomorrow i will come in and help you look for it.

oh no he wont ill find it tonight if i have to turn the house upside down, i wouldnt have put it past him to hide it in the last couple of days as an excuse to come in.

me and ds have been for a drink with next door and their kids and we are now watching ant and dec and waiting for a pizza delivery, he,s chilled and quite happy and so am i!!!

OP posts:

staryeyed · 01/03/2008 21:43

But Jenk You don't have to let him into "help" just say "no".

Original poster

jenk1 · 02/03/2008 15:35

feeling stronger today.

when he dropped the kids off he said ill just look for that charger and i said no its ok ive looked and i cant find it.
then he said he hadnt seen it since he moved back, he said he brought it with him but hadnt seenit.

so i said leave that one here for ds as he uses his DS lite more than you, how much is it for a new one and he scowled and said i dont know.

then he said tomorrow when i drop the kids off (he,s having them cos i have a meeting in the afternoon) ill give dd and bath and was her hair here, so i said no its ok, i will do it, if you drop them off by 6.30 it gives me plenty of time.

then 5 mins after he had gone he phoned up "have you got any babywipes cos i left dd,s at my dads" so i said yes i have thanks for asking.

whats he like?

i think the best approach is firm but gentle, he likes to see me angry and i know he is doing this for a reaction so im not going to give him one but ill be firm and stand my ground.

i also told him to move his wages out of my bank cos i am claiming income support, he said he cant get a bank account and i said yes you can and he has asked me to text the names of banks that will give him an account, he said its too late to move this weeks wage but he,ll make sure its done for next week, but i think ill ask my bank for a new account no if thats possible.

OP posts:

Original poster

jenk1 · 02/03/2008 20:27

he,s just text me asking have i found out the details of banks that allow you to open a basic bank account.

OP posts:

Toothache · 02/03/2008 20:32

jeez can this guy not do anything for himself?????

Jenk1 - he's being a taaaaad pathetic. LOL. Good enough for him.

You're doing the right thing, but then you know that already.
Just ignore his mundane texts asking daft questions... they'll soon stop.

Original poster

jenk1 · 02/03/2008 20:44

no he cant, he,s like a little boy.
thats one of the main reasons why we split, i seemed to spend more time worrying about and sorting things out for him than my own 2 children, both of whom are disabled.

its a form of control, to play the part of a helpless man so that i would stay for him and for a long time thats the only thing that kept me from splitting, that i felt so sorry for him, but he is a grown man in his thirties who needs to grow up and stop being jealous of an 11 yr old boy who,s only crime is that his mum loves him and wants to protect him.

pathetic.

OP posts:

Original poster

jenk1 · 02/03/2008 21:23

oh just received another text asking if me and the kids are ok.

OP posts:

staryeyed · 02/03/2008 21:40

Jenk there is nothing wrong with answering his text to keep things civil. Keep it simple and aloof then don't answer any more.

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