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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he has gone

58 replies

jenk1 · 29/02/2008 19:50

dh has left home.

he moved back during the middle of january with promises of how he would change but he hasnt.

ive got a big pile of debts that he promised he would sort out and he didnt.

he was still being aggresive to ds and me and so i asked him to leave 3/4 weeks ago and he begged me for yet ANOTHER chance and like a fool i said yes cos i still care for him and thought maybe just maybe being around people who love and care for him would help him see his behaviour was not on.

but no, im flogging a dead horse, i cant give anymore emotional strength to him, he,s got problems and he needs professional help.

i feel gutted, so sad and angry at him.

but i know ive done the right thing and this time its for good.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenk1 · 02/03/2008 21:43

i thought about how i feel ifhe has the kids and although i dont text him and ask him if they are ok, im not as anxious and a worrier as much as him and i want to remain civil so i replied yes we are ok, i have to be very careful with him cos i do want to remain civil, he gets anxious/angry when he doesnt know whats going on so i will speak to him through texts to confirm arrangements etc if it helps to keep him calm.

OP posts:
staryeyed · 02/03/2008 22:02

OK but whatever you do don't let him control you -if he gets angry so be it. You don't need to help keep him calm he is responsible for his own emotions.

Original poster
jenk1 · 03/03/2008 11:30

feeling more stronger today but not physically im aching all over and am shivering, think im coming down with a cold or something which is a shame cos i planned on seeing my counsellor today, but i really dont feel up to going out.

i have though spoken to income support and council tax and told them he,s not living here any longer, income support took an hour and he said i should have no problem in getting it, and council tax are sending me a form for 25% discount but it should all get paid by income support.

the guy said the csa will be in touch tomorrow, he,ll go ballistic at that, but i think he,s not on a bad deal, he,s got the mobility car and im not asking him for any money for that and he will have to pay maintenance for dd but he,ll probably dodge it as long as he can.

just got another text, what time am i picking ds up from my mums, he KNOWS what time, i went through it with him yesterday, why does he pretend to be helpless?

PATHETIC. (thats my favourite word at the moment!)

OP posts:
staryeyed · 03/03/2008 12:19

Jenk have you looked into all the other benefits you might be entitled to- Housing benefit if you renting. Council tax benefit and child tax credits?

Original poster
jenk1 · 03/03/2008 16:42

hiya staryeyed, yes have applied for housing benefit and council tax benefit and tax credits all in one today on the phone, thanks for the suggestion.

i decided to go and see my counsellor and im so glad i did, i feel so much better, she reinforced what i think about my marriage and has also told me to be strict with him and not to accept too many texts.

i told her he said he cant cope without seeing the kids during the week and said thats not my problem, he can phone,text or email like other dads, the fact that he wants to call round twice a week at 7.30am is not a good idea as the kids need to get used to the new routine.

she said he has tried to "disable" me to make me ill and make him feel better about himself, i said thats sick and she said yes it is.

i did have a massive panic attack on the way there as im not used to walking on my own, he always wanted to take and pick me up from everywhere, but ill get used to it.

OP posts:
hecate · 03/03/2008 17:49

If you don't mind me asking, whose mobility car is it? Is it your son? Is your ex making you let him have it cos that's like taking your son's DLA off him.

Original poster
jenk1 · 03/03/2008 18:07

its dd,s.
i dont drive so i cant use it.
he says he needs it for the weekends when he has the kids.

OP posts:
Piffle · 03/03/2008 18:10

oh jenk I am so sorry he has proved such a dead loss. You have given him so many chances he did not deserve and he has screwed up every one of them. Be strong. You know you can do this.

GillianMcPoo · 03/03/2008 18:13

Jenk, you can get funded driving lessons to learn to drive it. Family Fund do this..

Sending you (((hugs)))

hecate · 03/03/2008 18:14

Well, a mobility car is supposed to be for the person on dla, not for someone else to use and sometimes take them about in. Is he at your beck and call to drive you about in it? Is it your car for your son's use with him as driver? If not, tbh, since you don't drive, you could surrender the car and your son can get his mobility element in cash for you to use, not for your ex to use.

I know it's none of my business and I shouldn't poke my nose in with an unasked for opinion.

hecate · 03/03/2008 18:14

Motability fund driving lessons as well.

Original poster
jenk1 · 03/03/2008 18:14

i have been awarded the driving lessons from the family fund but it caused rows between me and xdh. he said wtf am i going to do for a car if you can drive, but i want to do it and i will.

OP posts:
hecate · 03/03/2008 18:16

And if he needs it for the weekends when he has the kids it can live at your house with you keeping the keys and you can nominate a second driver. I just think a motability car for your disabled son should not be for your ex's personal use and he's taking the piss out of you and I'm angry on your behalf. I know, still none of my beeswax.

GillianMcPoo · 03/03/2008 18:17

Good for you Jenk. You can indeed do it. I don't like driving.. never really wanted to but needed to and passed on 4th(!) attempt 11 years ago.. and if I can do it, anyone can.

Currently trying to get used to driving "DS1's" new Mazda 5. CRUNCH go the gears!!

hecate · 03/03/2008 18:17

WTF??? What's HE going to do for a car? Fuck him! You take your SON'S CAR BACK!!!!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/03/2008 18:22

Jenk, sorry you are having it tough. Sounds like you are doing well.

The texts would drive me mad tbh. Perhaps when he asks about arrangements in person, you could tell him to text you later to find out?????

Seriously though - tell him you cant afford to keep replying to texts or something. That he'll have to start writing things down.....

As for the sending him details of banks I'm utterly gobsmacked at that!

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 18:26

hi, i dont know much about your past problems, but i just wanted to let you know that i think you are a fantastic woman to have the courage to get out of a shitty relationship and bring up 2 kids on your own knowing you will eventually be a much happier person x well done for keeping strong

pedilia · 03/03/2008 18:54

You sound so strong and positive and I really admire your strength.
My XP was very manipulaitve (amongst many othetr traits) and it took me a long time to see it. I did leave him and was terrified for the furture but I am now happier than I have ever been.

I guess I am saying staying strong and look to the furture

x

Original poster
jenk1 · 03/03/2008 19:50

well tonight when he dropped the kids off he had a present for ds, some power rangers socks.
when he walked in he said "oh we are home now, so i bit my lip.
he hung around for a while until i said say bye to daddy now dd, and i took her upstairs for a bath, he followed and i told him to go back down.

he went then came back in with dd,s coat and started talking about the snow so i looked at him and he said ok im going now, then took the beers out of the meter cupboard.

hahahahaha, he has to resort to taking beers now, well he can have them i dont care.

im appling for my provisional licence this week so i can learn to drive, i already have my friend next door as the other named driver and we are taking the kids out on sunday so we will have the car which he wont be impressed with at all, but he,s working and he can get his dad to take him to and from work.

the kids were getting upset so i said can you please go you are prolonging the agony

OP posts:
pedilia · 03/03/2008 21:34

good on you for holding your own

Original poster
jenk1 · 04/03/2008 14:38

last night i told xdh that i wasnt happy with the mobility car situation and that we needed to talk when i next saw him on weds.

he phoned this morning, i was in the hairdressers asking me did i want to talk and i said no tomorrow im having my hair done now. shall i come round tonight he said, no i said tomorrow will be fine when you,ve finished work.

the home phone has phoned 3 times and ive ignored it cos i know its him then my mobile on the 3rd time id had enough and picked it up.

"can you tell me where the nearest RBS is for me to open an account" so i said im not sure, ok ill go into town, do you want to talk about the car, i said no tomorrow will do, ok ill call round after work when the kids arent there.

give me strength.

OP posts:
pedilia · 04/03/2008 20:22

He really is incapable of doing anything himself isn't he?
He must be driving you potty!

Original poster
jenk1 · 04/03/2008 20:22

got another text a couple of hours ago.

giving me the registration no of a car he,s interested in buying and asking me to price up car insurance for him.

i told him that i want the car back on my drive and he can have it when he has the kids.

he replied "we,ll discuss that tomorrow"

im not backing down, i could get into trouble and have the car taken off me if anyone reported me to the dla and im not taking that chance.

my next door neighbour has said she will gladly drive me and dd to and from school in the morning and if we want a day out she will take us, its good for her as well as her kids get to come and my 2 really get on with her 2.

i expect a showdown tomorrow.
he,s a grown man, he lives near the bus that goes near his work and he can get his dad to pick him up when he works late so i dont see what the problem is.

OP posts:
pedilia · 04/03/2008 20:34

he is being a grade a idiot, where is he staying btw?

hecate · 04/03/2008 20:43

If he tries to refuse to give it back, just tell him you will report it to motability and they'll deal with him.

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