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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seriously fed up with everything

66 replies

Summerpai · 23/08/2023 18:30

Sat on my bed crying, just had a big row with DP. We have a 7 year old and a 3 year old with suspected severe ASD. I’m a sahm. I’m finding life really tough at the moment I won’t lie. Apologises if this is long.

I’ll admit that the house isn’t always spotless, it can certainly be messy at times but never dirty. I truly do my best. He works full time and I’m the first to say how hard working he is, I never ask him to help with the house work. He plays football, he trains twice a week after work then all day Saturday. I feel like this may be relevant to stress how alone I feel. I have no issue with the hobby by the way, I just feel like everything is always on me. I’m probably rambling now but I’m just typing everything that comes into my head.

Anyway, he gets home from work today and starts having a go about the pots I haven’t washed yet. I said to him I was waiting for him to get home so he can watch DS2 because he can’t be left alone for 2 minutes without him breaking something in the living room or taking his nappy off and weeing/pooing on the floor. He has also dropped his naps now so I don’t have extra time like I used to when he was asleep. Well, he erupts then. Starts shouting at me, saying I’m a scruffy bastard, I’m lazy and that I’m a shit mum.

I’m just so hurt and angry right now I just feel like going out and never coming back

OP posts:
lifeisagallery · 23/08/2023 18:41

Adult ASD here and I hear you.

You clearly need time out just to take a breather, hear that you are appreciated and for your DP to do his bit too, hard working, full time or not, he needs to do his bit, and by the sounds of it the main duties of raising the DK and housework is on you?

ASAHP does not equal that you do everything. Not everyone can afford the paid nanny, cleaner and a cook to do the major bits, and most men, yes I am referring to men now although I know there are SAHD too, they presume you are sat down having it cushie while he is at work. Having an ASD child is HARD.

somelikeithotternow · 23/08/2023 18:46

He's clearly abusive

Who made him the boss of you

You should have equal amounts of down time

Get rid

Liv999 · 23/08/2023 18:51

When do you get time for your hobby OP? He sounds awful

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/08/2023 18:52

Tell him that when you imminently split he can enjoy doing his own housework and looking after his children 50% of the time! Working is often a breeze compared to young children.

category12 · 23/08/2023 18:52

I'd have a problem with his hobby. You are left to deal with the children pretty much all the time - when does he step up to do his share with them?

He works but has lots of downtime and does what he wants - do you ever have that?

Isheabastard · 23/08/2023 18:54

Regardless of all the circumstances, the first reaction of your DP should not be shouting and insults. There is no way that dirty pans and a request from you to watch his own child justifies shouting and making you cry.

So sorry.

Original poster
Summerpai · 23/08/2023 18:56

He thinks that while he is at work I sit on my arse all day and do nothing. I wish that were true! In fact, it’s completely miserable and mentally draining. He’s still giving me shit now, pointing out that we have a disabled child and said that I’m not cut out to be a mum especially one with additional needs. I’m so angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerpai · 23/08/2023 19:00

Sorry just to answer a couple of questions, I don’t have a hobby and it’s very rare that I get any time to myself. There’d be no point in me having a hobby anyway, he uses all the time up. He is selfish. DS1 is in a football team and he nearly had to quit a while back because it was the same time as his football. Thank god for my mum and dad that’s all I can say

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 23/08/2023 19:01

Sorry, must be hard.

He's a dick. I was a SAHD and raised ours from new borns also on spectrum. Has no idea how mentally draining that is in itself but also you can't just wonder off. Also being stuck in the house all day every day drives you mad.

Wouldn't talk to you like that if was me, not on.

You're not a shit mum.

category12 · 23/08/2023 19:04

He seems a nasty bastard - maybe look into how it would be if you were to go it alone - you pretty much are managing on your own already and sounds like you have family support.

TooMinty · 23/08/2023 19:05

You would genuinely be better off without him. He's adding nothing positive to your life and actively making it worse and deliberately making you feel rubbish. Would your parents help you to leave him?

Original poster
Summerpai · 23/08/2023 19:07

I really am considering ending things right now, don’t know if it’s because I am fuming or not. I used to think I’d never be able to leave him, it’d be too hard to be a single mum etc, but I don’t actually think it would be much different now. Not having to keep answering to him sounds like bliss.

OP posts:
Automaticforthepeople · 23/08/2023 19:09

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from your partner. I am angry on your behalf. You deserve support and admiration for what you are doing. You also very much deserve some free time of your own, to have a break.

Your partner does not deserve you!

ThisWormHasTurned · 23/08/2023 19:13

Does he ever look after the kids alone? (I suspect not!). Devil’s advocate - you could announce on Sunday morning that you’re going out and see how he gets on all day. Bet he wouldn’t wash the pots!
Honestly, I’d say it’s time to get your ducks in a row. Entitledto.com can give you an idea of what help you might get. Think about how you could find work, living arrangements. You can get a free 30 minute session with a solicitor as a starting point (and if there’s abuse you’re entitled to legal aid). You deserve more than this.
As an adult with Autism and ADHD, I can honestly say it’s easier for me to be a single parent than it was to be co-parenting in an abusive marriage.

category12 · 23/08/2023 19:13

If you're on your own, you don't get shouted at and bullied by someone who could just do the dishes himself if it bothers him they're not done.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/08/2023 19:14

He sounds very unpleasant.
Can you get a job, evening and weekends so that he can have the opportunity to look after the DC himself?

pineapple7peach · 23/08/2023 19:17

He sounds like an absolute cock. Leave him and he’ll soon realise how hard it is to singlehandedly run a household. Bye bye football 👋🏻 what a child.

Beaucielblues · 23/08/2023 19:18

How dare he speak to you like that? Where is his empathy for the relentless daily struggle you go through? Where is his compassion? You are amazing but you really deserve some fun time like he has. He sounds selfish. You are not an unpaid servant. And you sound like a dedicated mum. It's all just too one-sided at the moment. No wonder you're upset.

CherryBlossom321 · 23/08/2023 19:21

Yeah, his behaviour is abusive.

LittleOwl153 · 23/08/2023 19:30

Tell him this weekend you'll be taking Sunday as your time. Get up early and go out. (Even if its to your parents to sleep if they'll shield you from him.)

Then if he's out 2 nights in the week, do the same on 2 other nights... again little notice don't give him wriggle room.

Then sit down with him on the Friday / Saturday and ask him how he wants to go forward. Maybe he will see the issues. Maybe he won't. If he doesn't see it then I think you are in leave him territory.

Don't live like this OP. Small kids are hard work SEN kids are even harder work. You are doing amazingly.

Fiery30 · 23/08/2023 19:31

What an insensitive and unkind man! Just because he is at work all day, doesn't mean that he cannot contribute to household chores. He gets to leave the house everyday, have adult conversations and laughs with colleagues, proper lunch break etc., whereas you get none of that. He obviously has no clue about how a household functions and the duties of being a parent. He trains all day on Saturday? Whaaat!! I mean unless he is a professional footballer, this is just an excuse to stay away from home. Where is his commitment to his children and partner? In what way is he stepping up? As the children grow older, you will face new challenges. Does he understand that? It is definitely time to have a serious discussion about the future of your relationship because clearly he does not respect you.

3487642I · 23/08/2023 19:35

Yes, leave him.

The more time and energy you put into this dynamic the worse you end up feeling about yourself. Tolerating this abusive treatment is telling yourself that at some level you accept it for yourself and maybe deserve it. You can't get back the time you've wasted trying to aurvive it, and the longer you stay the more trauma you accumulate and the harder it is to leave and recover.

Phone and speak to someone from Women's Aid to get support that is there for women with partner's like yours; he'll only get worse.

Original poster
Summerpai · 23/08/2023 19:35

I find it unbelievable that I’m such a bad mum but he happily leaves them with me at every opportunity? I’m also sick of him telling me how to parent DS2 when he’s barely here. He has no idea just how hard it is. It’s completely different to how it was with DS1. Why do they always think they have the answer to these things?

OP posts:
3487642I · 23/08/2023 19:35

Survive not aurvive

Newuser15 · 23/08/2023 19:38

Because their ego is huge and they think they know everything, belittling everything you say and do. Been there. I'm so much happier now as a single mum.

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