Seriously fed up with everything

[Summerpai]

Sat on my bed crying, just had a big row with DP. We have a 7 year old and a 3 year old with suspected severe ASD. I’m a sahm. I’m finding life really tough at the moment I won’t lie. Apologises if this is long.

I’ll admit that the house isn’t always spotless, it can certainly be messy at times but never dirty. I truly do my best. He works full time and I’m the first to say how hard working he is, I never ask him to help with the house work. He plays football, he trains twice a week after work then all day Saturday. I feel like this may be relevant to stress how alone I feel. I have no issue with the hobby by the way, I just feel like everything is always on me. I’m probably rambling now but I’m just typing everything that comes into my head.

Anyway, he gets home from work today and starts having a go about the pots I haven’t washed yet. I said to him I was waiting for him to get home so he can watch DS2 because he can’t be left alone for 2 minutes without him breaking something in the living room or taking his nappy off and weeing/pooing on the floor. He has also dropped his naps now so I don’t have extra time like I used to when he was asleep. Well, he erupts then. Starts shouting at me, saying I’m a scruffy bastard, I’m lazy and that I’m a shit mum.

I’m just so hurt and angry right now I just feel like going out and never coming back

He also had a pop at my appearance saying I don’t care about anything including how I look. I do care about how I look but I have got 1 million more important things to care about at the moment.

Definitely going to try and get out of the house as much as I can when he’s here and let him see just how hard it is. Thanks everyone for the supportive comments and suggestions

Learn about Coercive Control and the underlying attitudes of abusive men which are that they are superior, entitled and adversarial.

Everything you are saying here is all classic abusive stuff that so many women have experienced. It can take some time for it to sink in before you can see the patterns in your own dynamic, it can be insidious and hard to spot at first. It is not all
Any one incident but the way it all hangs together.
This is a really great series:

You can alao read Why Does He Do That? There is a free PDF copy of it online.

The prick needs a taste of what you're dealing with on a daily basis.

So sorry to hear this. I think you have to end it. You can’t let him speak to you like that.

I daresay you'd be more relaxed tbh.

He sounds like an absolute bell end. Who does he think he is to criticise you when he swans around playing football and focusing on his work 6 days per week? You're not a bad mum at all.
It sounds like life would be much easier without him, you're already doing everything by yourself.
Let's see how he copes with keeping the house spotless when he's doing 50% of the childcare

Tell him your going to get a job and he's going to have to cough up his share of the childcare bill

He’s trying to start up conversations now and has put my favourite film on. Probably realises how horrible he’s been. I’m not giving in though. This is more than just a usual petty argument in my opinion

He's a waste of space.

You go out two nights a week and every Sunday though right?

op I’m not surprised you’re fed up.

He's been properly nasty. Does he just expect you to forget and instantly forgive the disgusting comments he made? How can you come back from those?

@BitOutOfPractice I wish😁 Maybe one night out a year with friends if I’m lucky. Even then he’d ring me after an hour asking when I’d be home

You’re married to absolute filth OP.

You deserve better.

Everyone else has said everything else.

He's not your boss and you're certainly not his slave but that's what he's treating you like.

What type of work does he do?

@RantyAnty he’s a scaffolder

You sound like you have your head screwed on OP and I don't think you'll let him pretend he didn't say those things to you, or didn't mean them.

He has treated you with complete contempt and he will again if he can. He sounds bloody awful - any life you build without him will be better than you have outlined here.

He sounds like an arsehole they are both your children both your responsibility as is the house work just because you are a stay at home mum doesn't give him an excuse to do sod all.

I'm a stay at home mum my husband works full time and long hours as well.
He is also hands on with our two our eldest has autism so I can understand how over whelmed you must feel right now.

I don't expect my husband to do any of the housework either although he has and does occasionally. I think your husband is taking the piss by not helping out more with the kids and even on a weekend why does he have to train all day on Saturday I get it's important to have time to yourself but what about you does he allow you the same opportunity to have few hours alone away from the kids and house? Fair is fair after all.

My youngest is 4 and tantrum after tantrum playing up the summer hols have been a nightmare at times but thankfully almost over with school is soon starting back up thankfully.

i think you should get up on Saturday really early, leave a note and go out/book a hotel/ go to friends or relatives. Switch your mobile off and leave him to it!

Are you kidding me? What a useless article he is. How dare he lecture you about your parenting?

I would honestly end it- not ok to say this to your OH. Your job together is to love and support each other as best you can ans raise your children in a loving environment and do your best for them.

Going off all day on a Saturday every Saturday isn’t ok for a family man. That’s fine when you’re single. Not when you have little kids with disabilities and a struggling wife.

@Summerpai

You may decide to leave him, or you may decide to stay a while longer. However, to help you make your decision in a timeframe which works for you, check what your financial situation would be if you left the relationship.

You say "DP" so I'm assuming you're not married so no divorce process, but what is the position regarding your home? If it's owned, is it owned by both of you or is his the only one on the deeds? Do you personally have any financial equity in the home? If you rent/lease, whose name is on the lease?

Do you have any money of your own or are fully financially dependent on him?

Check online to see how much child maintenance he'd need to pay you for the children if you split. Ensure the child benefit gets paid into your account (and ensure he doesn't have the login).

You'll get National Insurance credits automatically if you claim Child Benefit and your child is under 12. These credits count towards your State Pension, so you do not have gaps in your National Insurance record if either: you're not working. you do not earn enough to pay National Insurance contributions.

Go on www.entitledto.co.uk to see what UC/other benefits you and the children could be entitled to and/or speak to Citizens Advice if you'd like to talk to someone in real life about your situation.

Is it feasible for you and the children to move in with your parents at least for a while?

Do not tell him you are making these enquiries as he's unlikely to take this well and this information is, in any case, to help you focus on your next steps. Knowledge is power OP. Good luck. 🌹

He’s lazy, selfish and unreasonable . Has he ever had to look after the house and your child alone for several days? He needs to learn what it’s like. He’s not worth your time and effort. He should also be helping with house work and childcare when he is home.

He is scum. Seriously, leave him. Your life would be easier

Leave him O.P. He sounds like a nasty, entitled idiot. You are already doing the parenting on your own so you won't miss him.
I'm glad your parents are supportive, lm sure they'd be horrified to hear how he speaks to you. If he won't leave perhaps you could go to your Mum and Dads ?

He's a fucking prick, is what he is!