Why do people get upset they're not engaged or married?

[Lalalalala555]

Writing this to try and understand.
Almost to try and understand myself too.

[I find myself in a long term relationship, feeling frustrated that I'm not engaged.
Yet ironically I'm not really sure why.

I love freedom, knowing I'm in charge of my own life and not being dependant on someone.

It feels as though engagement and getting married is a process that really gets into people's heads. Including mine it seems. Yet I'm not sure why a ring and a big party managed to seem so very important.]

Is there a logical reason or is it society and conditioning?
Does anyone else have this?
There seem to be lots of posts about partners being upset they're in long relationships, without engagement.
Why is that? Why are we do focused on it?

I think it's a mix of things. Part societal for sure.

Is it also about being goals and milestones orientated? The idea of continuing without perceived 'progress' through stages that have been set up making us uncomfortable?

No idea. From my stand point of being 45 and divorced it seems, with my hindsight, as bonkers. But I remember it well too.

It's a different commitment to many?

I don't think it has to be about the ring and party, for many it's about properly settling down (or at least trying to)..

It’s a legal commitment and ultimately does carry more legal and societal weight. It’s a marker of being so sure about something and someone that you want to make that commitment to them; and from that, it’s not that surprising that somebody who feels they’re in a relationship with somebody important to them, would be upset that that person doesn’t seem to want to make an actual commitment with weight behind it. Imagine your employer didn’t want to have a written contract because they quite liked the idea of you both having freedom!

I don’t even get this odd disdain a lot of people show for weddings as a ring and a party, if that’s what people want. What’s wrong with wanting a ring and a party? Aren’t rings and parties and otherwise enjoying yourself and doing and having more than just the basis needed to exist part of the stuff of life?

My engagement has just broken off, never been married and I'm frankly devastated. I am very depressed about it and cry a lot about my lot in life.

I think that it's about not being chosen, not being special enough to be married to a person, not being that person that is worthy of all that commitment and the ring etc.

I mean... I realise from being here, and from my own experiences that that mindset is kinda bs because assholes will marry you and treat you like shit, and that a ring isn't a sign someone is going to value you or respect you, but that's how my mind for some reason processes it.

I think it's also about feeling left behind/on the shelf and I see it that even people who are divorced are better off because "well they had a wedding" and "well they had a husband" whereas i'm not even good enough to marry or have a wedding. I kinda think who cares if it works out, what matters is that you did it?

I'm probably completely irrational about it because of the pain I feel of him discarding me and then telling me his new girlfriend is half my age.

I feel on the scrap heap, worth nothing and like i'm in the bargain bin, but I know that it's all a mindset and that i'm being ridiculous.

Great question!
I believe it is expected by society and therefore we need to be validated by being married. I used to feel exactly that.
Though I now believe it is a thing from the past, when women didn't have jobs and would lose everything if their man decided to leave. Marriage was invented to protect women.
At this age I don't want to marry anymore. I say no. Even when my man asks jokingly. Too expensive to marry, too expensive to divorce. And all the shit men bring you, you can't just up and leave anymore. Yikes.
This is the bitter middle aged independant me speaking. Good and bad at the same time right.
I am even teaching my daughter that marriage is not a good idea. Just make sure you're independant, have your own house, job, car. And then chose love for extra. Chose every day.

I think I saw marriage as taking our relationship to the furthest point it could go in the eyes of society and everyone we know. The 'ultimate' sign of love and commitment.

I felt like anything less meant that my partner (now dh), didn't feel that 'ultimate' level of love and commitment for me. It's not true of course and marriage is no guarantee of anything, but that's what I thought at the time when I was desperate to get engaged and married!

@roses321 you summed up how I felt perfectly. Especially when I was around 30. Everyone else around me was getting married and I just felt worthless. I had relationships but they never wanted to marry me.
By my late 40s I no longer cared. I was genuinely ok with it. I'm getting married this year as it turned out but I know I'd have been OK if it never happened.

So there is hope for me then I guess :-)

I have never wanted to marry but am in a very long term relationship and we have adult children together.We own half of the house each, and have each made wills leaving our own money to our children. Now we are in our sixties we are going to take the plunge - if he dies I won't get his civil service pension unless we are married!

The many legal benefits it brings, for him to legally be my family, and because I wouldn’t be just a girlfriend.

Marriage is a government contract and like any legal contracts you need to review it and figure out if signing it is in your best interests. It all comes down to that. If you’re plannning to have children or be a stay at home mum I believe it’s in women and kids best interest to get into that contract otherwise I don’t see the point. Social wise people don’t care (unless it’s your parents).

Marriage wasn't invented to protect women: it was to ensure inheritance and paternity.

I think social conditioning does get into people’s heads, yes. Some people might be dead set on wanting to get married because they’ve thought it through and want the legal aspects, and ensure to discuss this with their partner early in the relationship to ensure they’re on the same page. Great. What I don’t understand is people who are desperate to get married but unwilling to start the conversation, opting instead to wait for their partner to propose and getting steadily more resentful that he hasn’t, but still refusing to have an adult conversation about it and express their wants. I think those people have probably thought less about what marriage really is, and just want the validation of being proposed to and having a wedding.

I really love my partner and genuinely think I could spend life with him - sometimes the societal narrative gets to me as well and I think it would be romantic to get engaged/married. But I really don’t like the history of marriage and how it was basically a gilded cage for women because they weren’t permitted to have their own money etc. it’s not an institution I like, I don’t think it’s progressive and I think in many ways it holds women back. When I really think about it, getting married (and especially having a wedding) feels so at odds with my ideologies.

I can only describe the way it makes me feel as how a vegan might feel if they were repeatedly slapped and pelted with slabs of meat. I also can’t predict the future, and I don’t think getting married is any guarantee against mine or my partner’s feelings for each other changing in future. Of course I hope that doesn’t happen but why make it harder to split up if it does?

So from my POV having spent a lot of time thinking about it, no, I don’t really get why people are so hung up on it, but I also think many people don’t give it that much thought and some even forget/don’t consider the legal side at all, thinking it’s just the standard thing you do in a long relationship to prove love and commitment and can’t get out of that mindset.

Most of my friends are now divorced and wish they had never officially tied the knot. They have no wish to remarry in the future.

My dd plans to have a Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall style wedding where there is a ceremony and a party but no official marriage.

I've been with my partner for 25 years and the only reason we would ever possibly marry would be for tax/financial reasons.

I felt like that and DHwould say I'll do it when I'm ready and not when you keep mentioning it. Anyway we then took another 10 years after the proposal to get married 😂. My dad used to say the done thing was to get married whereas his parents divorced when he was a teenager

It's a sign of commitment, but never works out well for the higher earner... so I can see why people resist.

The funny thing is you'll see women in here shouting that it's a massive red flag if the man doesn't want it, or delays it... but high earning women are praised for their independence if they keep the man at arms length.

I'm married, but neither of us could care less about it. It was more an excuse for a day out, a holiday, and free stuff on honeymoon :).

Probably because women are relentlessly brain washed about it from 2 yrs old.

For me, the reason I felt upset about not being engaged/married was because I really want kids and was starting to worry about ‘running out of time’. I saw marriage as a necessary step standing in the way of having a baby, not because it was especially important to me to get married, but just because that’s how we’re conditioned to think.
After a few serious chats about it, we decided that neither of us really want to get married, but both want to have kids (and be with each other for life). So now I’m pregnant, and all my upset about not being married has disappeared completely. I genuinely won’t mind if we never marry.

I wanted children and marriage offered protection in various ways.

Marriage and children was a life goal for me. No ring. No party. No church service. No Honeymoon. Those are optional. I’m not a romantic.

It’s about putting your money where your mouth is. If you (really) love me enough to say you are in it for life, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer then sign the damn contract.

Otherwise it’s just post orgasm pillow talk and I sure as hell wasn’t going to bring no babies into this world without that marriage contract.

Even though I was and always have been the higher earner (going on 30yrs)…but it could have gone the other way with him the higher earner. You don’t know when you tie the knot. You take a leap of faith.

And yes, you can break the contract, divorce is your escape clause, your golden parachute if you made a mistake so really if a person can’t even commit to contract that they can pretty easily get out of with a bit of effort, then how much are their promises really worth?

I wasn't remotely interest in either getting engaged or getting married UNTIL we were about to buy a house together and decided to start trying for a child. I'm not remotely romantically inclined. For us it was a legal contract to protect ourselves and any future children we may have. That's why we did it the traditional/historical way, i.e. Engaged, Married, Buy a House, have children.

Our engagement wasn't romantic and we didn't have a party. It was just something we did when we decided to get married and buy a house - we went and bought the ring together, no surprises, I put it on leaving the shop and hey-presto we were engaged. It's a nice piece of jewelry, no more no less!

Our marriage wasn't particularly romantic either. We'd have both been happy with a small/simple registry office, but both had elderly close relatives who'd have been miffed if we hadn't done the church thing. So we did, but with limited numbers, pretty simple, afternoon reception, and that was it - no evening do, no disco, no honeymoon. We went home in the evening and watched TV!

Neither of us are party/social people, so we really didn't want a lot of fuss.

Our marriage was similar. People still say it was more memorable than the ones that get megabucks thrown at them. Cost about £100, home-catered in the village hall after a church ceremony.

For me (never been married and partner does to want to - he’s divorced and older) it’s a few reasons:

it’s the ultimate symbol of commitment to each other and faith in your relationship.

legally it offers me more protection were I to move in and live in his mortgaged house after giving up my home of 20+ years that I rent through my parents - and would be sold if I moved out. I’ve done a lot of work on his house etc and wouldn’t invest more if I could lose everything if we split up as boyfriend/girlfriend. I’m happy to sell everything I have and pay towards extensions and improvements on his home if we were married.

he is a bit older and is leaving me the house in his will - but what if we merge lives without marriage and I have to become his carer/or he needs a care home etc? I’m not sure on how safe my future is without marriage in the eye of the law. I also have him as the person my pension would go to etc and me for his. Ironically he’s the one with better health than me.

It did use to be primarily the show of commitment. But he won’t marry me and after 8 years - I’m not moving in and leaving/losing the home I raised my children in without a more secure commitment. I will have to get rid of a lot of my furniture and possessions and then if he decides to dump me one day - I walk away with nothing and have to set up a new home from scratch.

its love, security, protection and it would make me feel safe and wanted in our relationship. Like he chose me. I am good enough and wanted etc. At the moment. I’m just his girlfriend of 8 years.

Hmmmm after a difficult time in my 20s, I REALLY didn't want to get married (again). But I did. It definitely wasn't the ring or a wedding. It was really just that I knew me and my husband are soulmates and it felt so natural and right. We'd been together a long time by that point and had started trying for a baby. To be a unit, share a surname and just know we're our forever people. But I generally agree it's not right for everyone. I can't explain why, but it was so right for us.

I think if you're not planning on having kids, or making any other sacrifices for the other person (eg giving up your career to move to another country so they can follow their dream job) then it's not essential.

However marriage is a further commitment than dating. Its signing a contract to share finances completely rather than just your share of the house etc. it's all their life savings and pension etc

It's being their next of kin. Which means (in the worst case scenarios) you wouldn't have to watch while someone else makes decisions around stopping life support.

It means no inheritance tax

There are lots of legal implications but essentially it's a contract that signifies a higher level of commitment than just living with someone and owning a property with someone.

I'd be OK if someone didn't want to marry me but I wouldn't put myself out financially for them
, have children with them, and I'd make sure that we had legal advice about medical wishes, wills etc