Why do people get upset they're not engaged or married?

[Lalalalala555]

Writing this to try and understand.
Almost to try and understand myself too.

[I find myself in a long term relationship, feeling frustrated that I'm not engaged.
Yet ironically I'm not really sure why.

I love freedom, knowing I'm in charge of my own life and not being dependant on someone.

It feels as though engagement and getting married is a process that really gets into people's heads. Including mine it seems. Yet I'm not sure why a ring and a big party managed to seem so very important.]

Is there a logical reason or is it society and conditioning?
Does anyone else have this?
There seem to be lots of posts about partners being upset they're in long relationships, without engagement.
Why is that? Why are we do focused on it?

This is true to a point, but that doesn’t mean that no elements of societal norms and expectations should be questioned. Something isn’t inherently good or necessary just because it’s an established norm or the law. Being gay used to be against the law!

For us we like the commitment and you do get legal protections. I find your statement very weird "I love freedom, knowing I'm in charge of my own life and not being dependant on someone." - I am married, and I'm very free, in charge of my life and I'd say my DH and I are dependent on each other which is fine - I know I could cope financially on my own. Marriage doesn't have to change these things

That’s all completely fine if you want to live within that unit and have certain freedoms curtailed (I’m not being snarky, I genuinely do realise people choose to enter into that lifestyle and happily make the personal sacrifices). Personally I would rather keep all the freedoms to go on a month long holiday, make last minute plans etc - probably not quit my job on a whim because the financial implication of that would affect me whether partnered or single.

I think a bigger element of keeping those freedoms though is not having kids. If my partner and I married I would still conduct my life with my individual desires front of my mind, because I don’t see the need to operate as if we were one entity just because we signed a contract. Of course we let each other know our plans but I don’t really understand the mindset some people have of having to run everything past their spouse first as if they’ve lost autonomy.

Re what a PP said about relationship milestones - again, if these genuinely mean something to you there’s nothing wrong with wanting them and feeling like you need that sign the relationship is progressing. But I personally feel they’re arbitrary, the most important thing to me about my relationship is how it makes me feel, and the freedom to choose how to conduct it in a way that suits us. I feel like people just absorb the message that you must have those milestones in order for the relationship to be serious, without actually stopping to think about how they feel and what they want independently of what society says.

I also agree with this, you can be married but still live according to your own principles. It’s actually likely my partner and I might marry for visa reasons in the future but we’ve decided we’d literally show up to the registry office, sign the form, and carry on about our lives without telling anyone as we see it as a slightly annoying formality that we need if we want to live in Europe rather than anything that has meaning about our relationship.

@TedMullins I think the impact a relationship has on personal freedom puts unwillingness to marry in even worse light

in most cases we are not comparing a complete freedom to go on month's long holiday on short notice vs. having to discuss all finances in a marriage.

Realistically what ends up happening for a lot of people in long-term relationship is that they lose both the infinite freedom of being single and childfree with none of the legal security or even peace of mind of their partner being committed.

In simplest terms - I bet a lot of men who don't want to get married would also throw an absolute tantrum if their partner got up and left on holiday without clearing it with them first

Yes agree. Social conditioning is neutral. It can be good or bad. It’s only that before my post it seemed to be spoken of only in a negative context.

For me it was because I knew he wanted to get married one day. And I wanted to be the love of his life. I wanted him to ask me to be his family.

Marriage has legal protections that living together doesn't. It's not unreasonable for a woman who is going to make herself financially vulnerable by taking time off to have a child, etc. to want those protections.

For me there was also a religious angle as I wanted to be married in the eyes of my faith.

I was found myself upset at not being engaged prior to him proposing because of social pressure. His brother engaged and married in the time we were together and all I kept being asked was when was it my turn and when would he ask me to marry him. It didn't seem acceptable to ask him. I also wanted a proposal as a show of commitment from him but looking back that was ridiculous. There was a huge pressure to make our relationship a success too and in reality its been a disaster except for our child

Two women I know of updated their status on FB & posted photos on the actual day of their wedding. One of the new husbands has nothing on his FB alluding to a wedding or even a wife!

My thoughts entirely.
Also, the ring is symbolic of the commitment not a goal in itself.
The part is the celebration... Neither of those things are anything without the commitment.

I think it depends why your partner is not wanting to marry. I know one couple in their fifties together 30 years+ so far who both objected to marriage on the principle it was a state institution they didn't want to endorse... Agree or not, that was the objection. They still committed to each other, had kids and the man gave up his profession to raise them so the woman want left unprotected by the lack of marriage and harm to her independence (if anything that was his situation, but they're happy so...)

Meanwhile if your partner just wants to hedge their bets, keep one eye on the door, or, is happy to expect you to have children to the detriment of your independence and throw yourself on the mercy of his benign intentions with no legal protection... That's a different story.

This can be a millstone around one's neck and financially ruinous.

@roses321
I can really relate to that.

Be careful what you wish for and make sure that you don’t just fall for anyone who will have you.

Be choosy, and very importantly learn to love and value yourself first and foremost.

You will be ok, and one day you will realise you had a very lucky escape.

I think there is society pressure especially on women be engaged, married/have kids by a certain age. Women buy into it as well which doesn't help resulting in rash decisions. In some cultures the pressure to hit these milestones is off the scale.

Married early 20s and divorced late 30s with 3 kids. I went in it for the long run for life but things didn't work out. I liked being married. For me as others have said, a legal sign and/or total commitment. Since divorce I have a new partner. We live apart. 4 kids between us. After 10 years together with my partner, my ex passed away aged 53, my mam died, partners mam died, all within 6 months, and we thought Holy shit, life does really throw some curveballs and we re-evalued our relationship. He proposed and 2 months ago he said he wants to get married. Our lives are anything but easy, believe me, but this last year it is something we have realised we both really want so we are booking for next year to celebrate with as many people as we can. For us, we realised life really is too short to be anything but happy and we feel marriage and being together fully will make us happy as it feels like we finally got there through thousands of difficulties and the final slot will be in place being his wife, and he wants to be my husband. To answer why that's a goal though...no idea 😄

I am divorced. I have a number of single friends who have not to date been married, honestly I have literally been told "at least you have been married". I think deep down there's a feeling that someone has decided you are worth more than anything even if it's not forever. Would I marry again? I would like to have the option.

I think you can only answer for yourself as there are a number of potential reasons.

Knowing your partner is commited to you and willing to say that officially and publically.

Wanting to have children, and wanting to have them as a married couple for traditional, practical or financial reasons,.

Wanting to fit in with what friends are doing / social pressure.

Wanting the 'big day', the dress, the jewelry (the worst reason to get married).

Wanting a 'project' to focus on (sometimes when the relationship has hit a flat spot or is struggling) / thinking marriage might solve everything.

This is us. We have every intention of getting married. Hence the engagement.

Five years has gone very quickly! A house move, doer upper, toddler and two businesses will do that to you.

At this stage it’s just a celebration for us. A very expensive and time consuming one to organise. We have all other ducks in a row - bar the designated person for medical which we realised recently. But both our families get on so I don’t imagine that one would be an issue.

Maybe it is a society thing.
i like the idea of being a Mr and Mrs. Just feels all official i guess, like an official family?
As silly as it sounds, Imnij my 30s and i refuse to call DP my boyfriend as I feel its such a teenage term, calling him my partner sounds like we have a law firm together!
I was married before and it's just nice being able to refer to your chosen person as a husband/wife.
We're in this for the long run, I wouldn't be worried if DP didn't propose for a while. On the whole we live as a family in every sense of the word. I think its a personal feeling though; I do feel more security, especially when you have a child.

There isn't a right or wrong.

Aside from my in-laws every marriage I've seen has failed.
I don't think people take it as seriously as they once did.
I've never been engaged and I'm in my mid-40s. I've never been asked.
I don't like the religious aspect. Now I have children and a house I respect the legal side of it more.
But I wish someone had loved me enough to ask.
Marriage in my head is a dream I will never attain. I look at everyone doing it and divorcing within a decade and I don't understand it. Maybe it doesn't mean someone loves you more than anything!
I do know I am as committed in my relationship as if we were married though.
But the romantic in me would have loved to be asked.

Because society perceives it as a milestone, a social success, a step on the path to 'happy ever after' and a house with roses around the door. To have the dress and the party & the photos. And in some cases it is.

But the fact that in half of cases it's a failure, and a source of misery in a fair few more seems to pass a lot of people by.

I suppose. by implication, the fact that someone has not proposed means that relationship is not as strong and that can be tough to take.

I'm not married, I have a house, a career, a child and have a relaxed and happy life. I've not married because I never met anyone I trusted enough. For a long time, I felt 'less' than most of my friends. However, as time passes, and I watch them emerge from divorces, losing homes, struggling for money, paying huge legal bills and with bitter manipulative exs and unsettled dcs, I've realised I'm the lucky one and I don't feel that way anymore.

Happiness is the most important outcome. Don't be in a rush to marry if he's not keen. You'll do yourself a disservice.

Absolutely I totally agree with you , no marriage no children . No matter how hard you try children do affect your job/career . Don't even get me started on men who want baby to have their surname without a marriage-never was gonna happen .

It is an official we are together and have chosen each other above all others. Regardless of if the journey that got you there is societal pressure, romance, a way to maximise assets, tax breaks or protecting a SAHP. I think that’s what makes marriage feel more special to me personally. Obviously things can go awry and marriages fail but that is the initial intention.