So how do I talk to my autistic husband?

[couldreallydowithadvice]

Just that really.

Things have been awful for ten years really, since having kids. My H is only recently diagnosed and from what I have read it explains all of his behaviours.

I was going to make a list of the problems but not sure that will help. Basically he takes everything as a criticism and responds with deny, defend, attack to everything I say. I know my H desperately wants us to get along. Yet he carries on doing the same things that have always caused problems and won't engage in any attempt at solutions but insists I am 'getting at him.' There is no sense of us working together in the household or family and everything is a battle. I am exhausted and wretchedly miserable.

I would really appreciate any advice on how I can communicate in ways that will help us to be able to work co-operatively together in the family and reduce conflicts.

It’s hard to say without knowing what the behaviours are.

What kind of things is he doing that you dislike, and what are you saying/doing that he takes as criticism?

Get a divorce, for goodness sake If you are miserable, your kids are miserable. His autism is irrelevant at this point.

Has he always been like this?

I truly believe my husband is autistic. He also thinks he is. He finds parenting very hard. I take on majority of the role and he tries and follows my lead on it. He finds little things hard to deal with.

ASD presents itself differently in every. Autistic person.
So there are many ND/NT relationships out there that work. Others may face more challenges.
I don’t know what areas your husband has issues with. Things like mind blindness can make it exceptionally difficult though. Your husband might genuinely not see where you are coming from when you try discussing an important issue.

@Jonti23 It hasn't been a blessing! I thought the diagnosis would help but its still awful. knowing why he is like this does not change the impact.

@retrainer What is he doing that I dislike? God, I could go on forever! Just sticking to practical stuff. He hasn't really changed his chores since having kids so he does almost none of the kids' stuff - though he does now take them to some kids things that I have organised. I am left doing nearly all family related stuff for which there is no recognition. Any attempt to get him to acknowledge this is met with ' You are saying I am do nothing! I do everything' ( he is very hyperbolic). Trying to engage with him to get him to do things is almost impossible. Even if he agrees it does not happen. It can take years, literally years, to get him to do a simple task or behaviour change. He always defends himself with ' I don't have the time' . Even if he does do something he will have argued with such resentment that I don't have good feelings about his for doing it.

I've suggested we make lists of tasks we have to do (other than standard daily ones) and then we can discuss these weekly so that we can see where we haven't had time to do things and why so that we can understand each other and avoid a row, but he just won't do it.

As he has little ability to understand other people's perspectives or the impact of his behaviour on others, I do need to speak to him about better ways for him to handle things with the kids, which he always leads to him accusing me of 'having a go'.

He has poor emotional regulation.

Is there a way to communicate which will not spark off his extraordinary defensive but mean he can actually hear what I am saying? I just want things to be more co-operative.

There's a long running thread for partners of those with asd

I think approaching any relationship issue from the perspective that its the other person with a problem only, and not something you may also be contributing to is not going to work out well. Are you able to reflect on your own behaviour as well? People have a habit of blaming autism for issues that are really common relationship issues, that two people contribute to, that just may need a different approach to deal with it because one person sees life quite differently. If someone kept telling me everything was my fault because I'm autistic I would think they're getting at me too.

Well my husband has ASD and he isn't like this. It isn't a one size fits all. That said, we discuss his inability to have any sort of emotional response and I've had to literally coach him. Most of the time now he gets that right. Now we have other problems.

Being autistic doesn't make you an arsehole. You can be autistic and be an arsehole without conflating the two. He's choosing to behave like this. Be direct when you talk to him, don't skirt around the issues. If he's not willing to try to improve things, you have your answer.

e hasn't really changed his chores since having kids so he does almost none of the kids' stuff - though he does now take them to some kids things that I have organised. I am left doing nearly all family related stuff for which there is no recognition. Any attempt to get him to acknowledge this is met with ' You are saying I am do nothing! I do everything' ( he is very hyperbolic). Trying to engage with him to get him to do things is almost impossible.

Thus is a good example of what I am talking about. Its a common relationship problem, I read it here all the time. It doesn't have anything to do with his autism, he's just being a lazy so and so!

just remember that he is an adult and he knows he is doing this. One amazing thing about being diagnosed is that it gives person an awareness of their issue.

When you tell someone they don't spend sufficient time on chores related to kids then its not their neurodiversity that prevents them from listening. There is no room for misinterpretation - they just don't want to break their routine and do the new chores. Of course the routines are a big thing for autistic people, but part of managing the disorder is learning how to change those routines.

also, defensiveness is generally not an innate feature of autism. People develop is as response to criticism they face throughout their lives and it becomes a vicious circle. They mess up, get told off, get defensive, mess up so more...

He hasn't really changed his chores since having kids so he does almost none of the kids' stuff - though he does now take them to some kids things that I have organised. I am left doing nearly all family related stuff for which there is no recognition. Any attempt to get him to acknowledge this is met with ' You are saying I am do nothing! I do everything' ( he is very hyperbolic). Trying to engage with him to get him to do things is almost impossible. Even if he agrees it does not happen. It can take years, literally years, to get him to do a simple task or behaviour change. He always defends himself with ' I don't have the time' . Even if he does do something he will have argued with such resentment that I don't have good feelings about his for doing it.

Im not convinced this is definitely due to him being autistic, so many men are like this, you only have to read posts on here.

I know lots of autistic people due to it being prevalent in my family, they don’t act like this.

I'm autistic and have been praised by practitioners who don't know in letters re my child for being reflective, boundaried and able to adapt to meet their needs. I think assuming all autistic people fit stereotypes is a route to disaster. You just get entrenched in the other person being the problem, nothing will ever change.

What about marriage counselling? This seems like a communication issue, which is very common and you might benefit from a therapist helping you both communicate with each other better. Having kids is a big life shift and seems like a lot of men take some time to adjust!

Try googling allistic to autistic communication.

Also although this is not a parent/child relationship, the collaborative problem solving framework in the book The Explosive Child could be extremely useful in adult relationships, I feel. It might need a bit of tweaking to represent an egalitarian relationship. Since it's about getting each of your concrete concerns on the table and finding a way to address them rather than having a battle of duelling solutions where you think it should work like X and he thinks it should work like Y, and neither of you are really willing to compromise, you are each trying to convince the other your solution is correct.

It sounds like maybe he doesn't like the weekly check in, he just wants you to each agree on set tasks and each do those.

With the "you're saying I do nothing" how would these conversations go with you trying to get him to acknowledge? Have you tried approaching this in a more NVC type way with "I feel" statements (mind you this may be totally useless to someone on the spectrum, being expected to make a jump from your feeling to what action you want them to do!)

What a strange thing to post on a thread where I am literally saying ' what can I do differently.'

Oh op, this isn't autism, this is laziness. He is well aware you do more than him, but he has no plans to change that because he doesn't want to because he doesn't care if you're miserable, so he won't engage, and will go down the misogynistic nagging route to silence you.

Divorce him. You've tried and tried. Your children will be happier with a happier mum.

I don't think its strange. I am responding to what I am getting from your posts. You may be saying, what can I do differently, but your words clearly show you think him, and his autism, are the problem. If thats your mindset, this isn't going to help. Its funny you say he's so defensive, when that is what I got from you. I am autistic and happily married for many decades, so you could try being more open to suggestions and see if things change.

Very glad to see mumsnet deleted that post. Fucking awful.

He sounds similar to me in some ways. I don’t have autism I have ADHD so obviously not entirely the same but it’s taken us a really (really) long time to find out I had it and get the diagnosis etc and it’s been a work in progress but I would say I’m now 80% in a better place with some days that are still really bad.

heres what helped me:
ROUTINE! - without one my day goes to absolute shit but it carries on from there and gets me really off track and my emotions end up all over the place. I have to do the same routine on the weekend and holidays too and it keeps me in a good place and keeps me productive

exercise- if I don’t go to the gym or do a home workout again I feel really chaotic and emotionally imbalanced. I go 2-4 times a week

if something upsets me whether it’s minor or major I now take a day or two to really mull it over before telling the person who upset me to make sure I still feel the same and wasn’t being sensitive.

I definitely struggle to take criticism too but my other half puts it in a positive way as more of a “hey I’d really love to try it this way instead” it it does help.

I hope this can help! It is a big battle but chances are he needs help to understand how he’s acting as he won’t be aware

good luck xxx

I had a similar thing with my husband. He went to therapy and has some meds to handle some of the anxiety related parts. It’s worked for us, but worth a go before divorce. That’s if he’s willing though. I had to make it really clear that I was going to leave.

Which thread is this sorry?