So how do I talk to my autistic husband?

[couldreallydowithadvice]

Just that really.

Things have been awful for ten years really, since having kids. My H is only recently diagnosed and from what I have read it explains all of his behaviours.

I was going to make a list of the problems but not sure that will help. Basically he takes everything as a criticism and responds with deny, defend, attack to everything I say. I know my H desperately wants us to get along. Yet he carries on doing the same things that have always caused problems and won't engage in any attempt at solutions but insists I am 'getting at him.' There is no sense of us working together in the household or family and everything is a battle. I am exhausted and wretchedly miserable.

I would really appreciate any advice on how I can communicate in ways that will help us to be able to work co-operatively together in the family and reduce conflicts.

Have you asked him how he'd like to solve the problems? It sounds a bit like you know what's right, and you tell him so and expect him to adhere.

@Namechange666 I was meaning a post on the first page of this thread which has thankfully now been deleted.

Of course I have. He never offers solutions.

Things like mind blindness can make it exceptionally difficult though. Your husband might genuinely not see where you are coming from when you try discussing an important issue

Yes this.

Some people on the spectrum have poor executive function and this makes it hard to see the whole picture and to prioritise tasks. I tend to write long lists of things which easily overwhelms me and I end up doing each task badly, because I want to touch on every task even if I can't complete them all, so I don't let anyone down. I also have a problem expressing when I am tired and need to rest, when I just can;t do it all. So it ends up something important might get missed while I beaver away at something less important.

So for me, long lists are no good and I prefer a focus for the day/week, with just a couple of things on my mind at one time. If I am given a bunch of instructions or requests, I will forget a lot of it and just focus on the last thing DH said. Give me a list with a couple of things in order of importance, or help me write it myself, and I am good and nothing important is missed.

Your Dh might actually believe he is constantly doing things and unable to make you happy and be confused as to why. Possibly because he has all these requests and tasks swirling around in his head and no ability to organise it and a tired mind trying desperately to do that. Its not always that we are being a pain on purpose and sometimes it feels like we are being picked on when we are trying so incredibly hard to be like everyone else.

How do you ask him? Calm and rational, and telling him the situation is bothering you and you need him to suggest a solution, or emotional and wound up, with a feeling that he's 'doing it wrong' and you know best?

This is helpful, thank you. I think he does have this. Its one of the things I read that autistic people may have and it made sense of my H when I said it.

My H is not lazy. We both work hard. He is unable to prioritise or make sensible decisions about what needs to be done.

Although my H has behaved in some awful ways, I do not believe he is a bad man. I see how confused he is when I am trying to explain things. It is obvious he simply does not get it.

Starts calm and rational and then after weeks or months of years of being ignored I end up wound up and angry. At that point he may start to act. Its like its only when it affects him he pays attention. Like he wants to do what I want to stop me 'having a go' at him. Me explaining calmly how it affects me has no impact.

My DH has just been diagnosed with autism (on top of another chronic health condition).

I am also quite confused as we come to terms with this additional information, it's hard to understand his inner landscape due to my tendency to imagine his styles of thought are the same as mine, and masking from his side to try to fit in to a world he finds quite hostile. I've discovered some things that are central to me (like making my life into a meaningful story I tell to myself) do not happen for him.

We also have an uneven load of tasks which is somewhat ok since he is not well. But he thinks of these in purely a practical way whereas I have a meaning level register where to not be in an equal partnership is hurtful since I have a core belief that's what a relationship is about. It's been a bit painful to discover that he doesn't necessarily see being a team as important in this way and therefore strategies like him going into himself to process (which I experience as painful emotional withdrawal) are likely to keep happening. I have absolutely no answers though, and ofc this is specific to us. But thought you might like to hear you are not alone.

It is well known that some people with asd can be sensitive to rejection, either due to differences in processing but also poor experiences with peers and feeling confused about doing everything 'wrong'. So this could be a factor in communication (but maybe also make entitlement plays a part).

*male entitlement

I;m glad its helpful. I am trying to remember books we found helped both with my own understanding of myself and also from my partners perspective.
If you know he's not lazy and you're both hard workers, he may be taking it hard if he feels you are berating him when he's always doing something. Not that you berate, but he may see it that way. I have found in our relationship life was easier when we both stopped caring about doing 'it all' and always worrying about little thigns, house chores for example, we are still not on top of them! But we relaxed expectations to fit in with my abilities and my husbands time- he works a lot so most chores and gardening etc is left to me. I hate untidiness, especially the fridge! My hyper-focus on that to the detriment of more important things like laundry, had an impact. So I rearranged in my mind the focus. Not everyone will be able to, some thigns become so important that not to do them my exact way will cause me the kind of stress a claustrophobic feels in a cupboard! Its hard to explain it all but my biggest suggestion is try and remove the things that are not important so that both your lists aren't as long.

I know this is hard, I really do. If there is love and friendship there, its worth doing what you are doing to resolve this.

I've discovered some things that are central to me (like making my life into a meaningful story I tell to myself) do not happen for him

This! This makes so much sense! I have not seen this written out before, but yes this! It is blatantly clear from my many conversations with him that he has absolutely no narrative at all about what has happened in our marriage and its decline to its current state. I find this utterly incredible, especially as I have been spelling it out to him the slow decline in our marriage for many years. From his perspective everything was lovely and fine and we got on, and now its awful and he appears to have no real understanding of why or what has happened.

Thanks @Iwantcakeeveryday We could not lower our domestic standards any further!

I know this is hard, I really do Thank you for this, that means a lot. Its actually made me well up. Its hard feeling so invisible. I know that I have thrown everything at trying to make things better, and still am with this next attempt by starting this thread, and my H cannot see that at all. So thanks for acknowledging that its hard. It makes me feel a little less invisible.

If there is love and friendship there, its worth doing what you are doing to resolve this I don't know if there is love left on my side but I would like to get back to a friendship. He used to be my absolute favourite person in the world to spend time with, we made each other laugh (and still do sometimes) and had loads of common interests and stuff to do together. It would be nice to be able to get back to that. I know he wants that too.

I noticed that my partner appears to have a really different conception of time. He is more mindfully in the present moment and how we are getting on right now, whereas I reach into the past and project into the future more in my sense-making.

He used to be my absolute favourite person in the world to spend time with, we made each other laugh (and still do sometimes) and had loads of common interests and stuff to do together. It would be nice to be able to get back to that. I know he wants that too.

This sounds very familiar. Its actually difficult sometimes, to figure out, is this an autism trait/sensory issue, or just me being a pain? Is this something I can work on, or am I forcing myself to try and be 'normal' and I am just struggling because my brain won't process this? Its easy to think, if autism wasn't a factor, this wouldn't;t be an issue. But lots of spouses struggle with this type of thing after having children, getting older, and drifting apart because you are focused on being parents instead of partners. For some, more commonly with female partners of autistic men, they end up feeling like a carer instead of a romantic partner. So that might be something affecting you too. Finding a way to be aware and adaptive to autism, without becoming more of a carer than a partner, can be tricky.

One other little thing, I know I don't verbalise a lot of what I feel, and sometimes people think I don't feel as deeply. But I am also HSP< a highly sensitive person, so I think about peoples feelings a lot, but when overwhelmed by that, I tend to shut down because it starts to cause a meltdown. Almost like a sensory meltdown. My DH is good at asking me how I feel, he asks very specific questions with me and remembers I have a tendency to be very literal. If he doesn't say it, I don't assume anything. Say exactly what you mean, try to let him know that you feel disrespected and ignored, rather than saying 'you're ignoring me/disrespecting me'. Ask him, how do you feel? Do you feel overwhelmed? tired? confused? You may do this already :) You're welcome btw, and I am sorry you're feeling invisible, it's a harsh feeling and painful, so hugs to you.

( Sorry if I am dominating your thread, I tend to bang on a bit! )

Thanks @Iwantcakeeveryday that's another really helpful post. I will be keeping these : ))

@couldreallydowithadvice massive squishes.

would seeing a counsellor help? Together? Like a kind of translator that can help you both understand the other better?

maybe weekly checkin or family meetings where we share what’s going on this week. What we all need to be doing. Who needs support. Check the family visual calendar and who’s doing what when. Who needs lifts etc.

Me explaining calmly how it affects me has no impact

Even if something is upsetting you? You're basically saying that he doesn't care about your feelings, and asking us how to talk to him to make him give a shit about you. You can't make someone care about you, whether they have autism or not. If he doesn't have the feelings you need him to have, then he's not who you need. 'How you talk to him' won't fix that.

I think you're putting things down to autism that aren't down to autism, or, whether they're to do with autism or not is irrelevant. This is who he is. You tell him that it makes you feel shitty when he does x, y or z, and he keeps doing it. That's not a fault in you, and it's not necessarily a fault in him; you're just different, and quite possibly incompatible.

This isn't uncommon in people with ASD, my DH will actively argue with me that I am wrong if I am upset about something that he wouldn't find upsetting. This is an autistic trait - an inability to see things from another person's point of view.

I wonder if a relationship counsellor that specialises in neurodiverse people or relationships would help?

I'd suggest a google.

ND myself.

My partner (probably shortly to be ex partner) is autistic and exactly like this.

My grown son is also autistic, as is my sister, dad and uncle and none of them do this.

My relationship with my DP was amazing in so many ways, best friends, laughter, love: and I'm very easygoing so was able to cope with the rigidity, but then it started to damage me and us.

Over time three things materialised.

Firstly, I couldn't get him to do perfectly normal, rock bottom things without a complete ordeal that would be just like you say - literally years to get something simple. I'm not needy, the stuff I'd ask would be basic and essential to my wellbeing or ours and he would say he would do it and then not do it. My life became an ordeal. To literally get the most basic commitments kept, I'd have to fight like mad and then getting it never felt good after all that anyway.

Secondly, he wasn't able to follow 'rules' or parameters for basic healthy life together. For example skills like listening without changing the subject to himself. Empathy of how I might feel if he did something hurtful. Learning from mistakes and not repeating them. Understanding extreme selfishness can't work. Making healthy choices that gave positive results. He just couldn't do those things. So he'd doggedly repeat maladaptive behavior over and over.

Thirdly, he'd lack and reasonable route out of conflict and prevent me from getting out of it either unless I just accepted his (wrong) method of smoothing things over. Just as an example here of what this means:

He might say something really, really hurtful that he refused to accept was hurtful. Like a great example is that he used to repeatedly say his life was better with his ex. Now, my partner doesn't even like his ex, but he liked his life. They lived overseas and had a pool etc. So he would go om and on and on (typical autistic to get stuck in loops) about how great his life was when he was wealthier with nice weather and a pool.

By almost anyones standards this is immensely hurtful and I'd ask him to stop. But three years later he'd still say it 3 or 4 times a week - sometimes for hours on end. Long rants. Initially I asked him nicely to stop and explained why it was very hurtful, and he'd apologise and say he liked ME better but just his HOUSE and everything else better before. I'd say, that's fine, but still please don't say this anymore as it makes me feel like you're being negative about our life and comparing it unfavourably. He'd apologise very heartfelt and within an hour be doing it again.

It's compulsive, destructive behaviour that led to me getting upset, depressed, angry, withdrawing from him and having lots of endless rows which were caused every time by him saying something he'd been clearly told and shown was not OK. He couldn't stop. Then he'd say "you're always criticising me!" or "I love you but these rows have to stop!". Which is basically DARVO and it made me in the end very unhappy.

We really loved each other and this was ruining both our lives and the relationship but he simply couldn't stop. I tried everything. We'd write a short list of rules to follow to stop the rows and he'd be crying and swear he'd do it - and within 24 hours he'd be breaking the rules and then angry and defensive at being 'criticised'.

There isn't any way he can change. It's not possible for him. I've exhausted myself. He's unable to get out of loops, he has really bad empathy, he can't follow rules, he can't accept reasonable consequences and he can't respect boundaries. Its impossible for him.

None of the autistic people in my family have this, but I believe my partner does because he has Co existing issues due to abuse in childhood. He never learned the things needed to love and be loved. He has certain characteristics developed for survival and he can't change them (or won't).

As I've said all the above, let me also say this. My partner worships the ground I walk on. In many other ways he'd do anything for me. He does so many wonderful things. We have so many great things between us. I've no question I'm the person he loves most on earth, but he's unable to co-exist with compromise and boundaries and his behaviour has made our lovely relationship painful and hard.

I'm unable to get often basic needs met.

I'm sorry this isn't answering your questions, but after many years of those I want from positive and enthusiastic to feeling like our of us would need a lobotomy.

I've left him a few weeks ago and he's completely and utterly devastated and has started doing literally everything I was asking for that he was making an ordeal before.

I can't go back, because if I do, he will definitely revert. He can't stop. Not unless I leave him, which is no way to live.

I love him enormously, but I can't live with him.

I'd like to expand on what I said above about tye ongoing conflict on one topic.

He was saying something I felt was hurtful.

My solution was for him to stop saying it.

His solution was to not accept it was hurtful and for me to just understand it wasn't.

I remember my (also autistic) sister saying to him "You can't say that to her! It's almost abusive" and he just cannot accept that.

It's the mind blindness.

He can't understand my emotional reactions aren't what he thinks they should be. So he'd just keep repeating "but it's not an insult to YOU"

This genuinely went on for three YEARS.

Same conversation over and over 3x a week and his solution was not for him to change his behaviour but for me to stop reaching to it.

I'm gonna chime in but I am biased. I had an autistic step son and it was bloody hell.

It's been ten years, you are unhappy he is not listening. I had an autistic step son for 10 years.

Lovely boy but if he didn't get what he wanted or had to do things he didn't want them life would be hell until he did.

If you can't deal with him, you can't deal with him, I very much doubt he is going to change unless he himself gets some full on behaviour changing therapy. Not couples counselling.

Sorry

Excuse me for prattling on: but I think all my family members have mind blindness and to differing degrees struggle to empathise with others ways of thinking and their unique needs and interpretations of the world.

The difference is, they're prepared to accept it. For example my son doesn't understand how his girlfriend feels and why, but he's able to listen and simply accept that she does. And act accordingly.

My DP can't do this because he has a Co morbid sense of self absorption. Conditioned I think in childhood to prioritise at all times his own needs. So I think if he wasn't autistic he'd still be hard work, but when you add into that the autism then change, adjustment and "learning from mistakes" becomes very hard.