So how do I talk to my autistic husband?

[couldreallydowithadvice]

Just that really.

Things have been awful for ten years really, since having kids. My H is only recently diagnosed and from what I have read it explains all of his behaviours.

I was going to make a list of the problems but not sure that will help. Basically he takes everything as a criticism and responds with deny, defend, attack to everything I say. I know my H desperately wants us to get along. Yet he carries on doing the same things that have always caused problems and won't engage in any attempt at solutions but insists I am 'getting at him.' There is no sense of us working together in the household or family and everything is a battle. I am exhausted and wretchedly miserable.

I would really appreciate any advice on how I can communicate in ways that will help us to be able to work co-operatively together in the family and reduce conflicts.

if he didn't get what he wanted or had to do things he didn't want them life would be hell until he did

Ultimately this is my partner. Getting him to do what I want is an ordeal, and even if you manage it, he'll be so miserable that any satisfaction is pointless.

For another great example here, a year ago we were supposed to move house. The new house would have been hugely better for me and our kids, but slightly worse for DP due to ten extra minutes commute.

We'd agreed years before we'd do it. It was essential to me and the kids to have things like a garden and sufficient space, but all DP could do for weeks on end was pull a face and make snidey comments.

I'm not talking about a bit. I'm saying several times a day for weeks. In the end it made me so upset, I pulled out of the house purchase and just stayed in the shit place no one but him wanted.

He wants his way, and if he doesn't get it, he simply makes your life so unpleasant test you give up. Moreover, he lacked the empathy to see how upset it was making us all.

It's almost pathological self absorption, combined with classic autistic traits like rigidity of thinking, getting stuck in negative loops.

I love him to bits but living like that was so stressful. As soon as I left, he starts making moves to happily by the bigger house. After a year of miserable fights.

Living like that is just so soul destroying. I believe my DP just needs to live on his own because he's not capable of being flexible or thinking if the family needs over his own.

All he could think of was how much he hates the train and the ten extra minutes.

Yip

Mine would sulk, looking for attention as he walked snail pace to the fridge refuse to eat, say he was going To commit suicide. The list went on and it would go on until he got his way because his mum was scared he would do something. As soon as he got what he wanted, immediately back to normal.

Made life miserable.

OP. Put up with it or leave. You don't owe him anything.

My autistic son was nothing like this, so I feel like its a combination of things at play!

Autism isn't a one size fits all, but certainly it can play into so many differences in how a person thinks and expresses.

What is his relationship with his parents like? Seems like my husband who isn't autistic but has extremely poor and toxic relationship with parent due to mother being narcissistic and raising him covert narcissist with low self esteem

I'll just add my previous step son wasn't awful he was a lovely boy. The challenges he brought were awful and detrimental to mental health.

I'm just trying to express that if the OP's husband is autistic combined with also being a bit of an arse, life as it sounds for her is miserable and exhausting and he does not need to put up with it as behaviours will never change.

My step son is 13 years older (since I met him, lived with him for 11 years) but unfortunately he just brings the same challenges but in a different fashion and unfortunately that is not going to change and I VERY much doubt it will for the OP too.

A quick note on task related arguments. Perhaps make a list of all that you do and all that he does. It sounds confrontational, but it will give you a visual idea to present to him over the imbalance of tasks. From there put all the tasks on one piece of paper, and re-divide them.
Some autistic people are better with things that can be presented to them in visual format. It may help if he struggles to find the words to communicate things.

You could ask other people who you are sure will be honest with you if you come across bossy or brusque and if the answer is yes, work on that. It can happen when one person is a ‘doer’ and the other more of a follower and is exacerbated if the doer feels frustrated by the issue building up over time. A lot of couples just fall into not communicating at all about stuff so good for you for trying to find a more constructive way through.

Agreed. Neurotypical people can be just as frustrating, demanding ( emotionally ) and defensive as anyone with autism.

Not sure why thay post was deleted, if the thread it was referring to is the one I'm thinking of its quite an accurate description.

Yea I'm surprised at being deleted. I don't think MN is feeling very welcoming at the moment. I'd already messaged re this type of thread so a double whammy!

I know this is an old thread. And I hope that the situation is feeling more manageable. But I just wanted to say that I hear you 100 percent. You could have been describing my husband. He hasn't got a formal diagnosis of autism but he does acknowledge that he probably is, when it suits him. Other times, he gets angry as he feels that it is a criticism. I found this thread searching for understanding for myself.

The suggestions from the person who is ND above have been really helpful for me; just in terms of making sense of the role of executive functioning and to hear from the 'inside' what that feels like when extra demands are swirling around. I will try to focus on ONE thing at a time when I am dealing with my DP now.

Wow... Toxic

I’m in this situation now and I can’t see any solution to it. I’m burnt out.

Have you tried writing a letter?

so you can fully explain without him interrupting and get your points across.

I might try that. Or holding up a sign.

I've had two autistic partners and communication was always a challenge. Although they presented differently, they either asked me for or needed the following in order to talk about anything...

No surprises. Tell them in advance what you want to talk about and state that it's important to you.

Be very specific - no hints or suggestions. Just say how things look from your point of view and acknowledge that he likely won't see things the same way. Be prepared to give him instructions if he says he doesn't know what to do (my partner literally insisted on instructions).

Emphasise what's in it for him if he makes changes. You can say how they will make you feel better, but his mind will likely only focus on what will benefit him.

If you need to bring in any kind of analogy or hypothetical example (which might not work), try to link it to his special interest or something that's important to him, so he can better understand how he would feel in that situation.

Clear boundaries or consequences, so he knows what will happen if he doesn't do what is needed. You need to strongly stick to these (my therapist told me to implement this and it was a big help).

Before everyone starts piling on, these points are what helped with MY autistic partners. I am NOT saying all autistic people are the same. NT partners work very hard to be accommodating and understanding.

@jubs15 that is so helpful. I notice you say they were ex partners though, and no need to answer if it’s too personal but did it all get too much? and how did you break up with them, I feel it must be really hard but we just are on different frequencies. I am lost.

I feel like I’m totally burnt out from constantly trying to smooth the way for my husband. He is such a good person but I am exhausted from it.

I ended the first relationship because his behaviour became aggressive and I highly suspected he was seeing someone else behind my back. I am still sort of with the second, but I have very firm boundaries in place and am emotionally less invested as a result.