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Original poster

What's going on with him?

54 replies

Glenda58 · 23/08/2023 05:44

I met a guy at work and am a bit confused by mixed messages. Can you tell me what you think?

We were friendly at first and I fancied the pants off him so started bringing him coffee and cakes I'd baked as a treat, and then we'd chat a lot at after work drinks.

I was hoping he'd ask me out, but he didn't. However after a eork party I invited him back to mine and we had sex. He left immediately afterwards, saying he had an early start, and I texted him very flirting and he responded quite coldly with an emoticon so I assumed that was that. The next day at work he said it was a mistake and couldn't happen again.

Two weeks later the same happened again and then again and after it happened a few more times I told him I had serious feelings for him and wanted to know if felt the same. He said his situation was complicated and he had feelings for someone else.

I stopped seeing him briefly and then it happened again until it was happening every week. He's seemed very reluctant all the way through but if I pull away he will message and ask what I'm doing and then it starts up again.

I have questioned him a lot and he says we're better as friends, and several times he has said we should stop seeing each other because he has feelings for someone else (apparently she lives overseas) but every week he wants to be with me so it feels like a very mixed message.

He cuddles up in bed and we often spend weekends together now, but I am frustrated. I keep feeling if he really loved this other woman why wouldn't he be with her?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 23/08/2023 06:19

Oh, this isn't the relationship for you. He's in love with someone else from the sound of it and he feels guilty when he's with you. That's no life for you. Don't ever be in a relationship where you are second best.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 23/08/2023 06:22

I’m so sorry, but you need to move on. He is stringing you along. Probably because someone is stringing him along. But you need to rip the Band-Aid off quickly.

Summerslimtime · 23/08/2023 06:28

Well, you said it, she's overseas.

He's enjoying a bit of sex and company from you, but he's not into you at all. You really need to find your self respect and end this. It's sounds a bit cringe the way you've thrown yourself at him, baking for him and bringing him coffee. You're worth more than this.

HamishTheCamel · 23/08/2023 06:31

Oh OP. It makes me feel sad to read this. Don't you want to be with someone who loves you and values you?

ZebraD · 23/08/2023 06:49

He has made his feelings for you quite clear from the start. He is taking what he can because you are giving it. Do yourself a favour and move on. This will only end badly if you don’t. Think of your pride. Best wishes.

user1492757084 · 23/08/2023 06:54

Think of your own self respect and never flirt or sleep with this work mate again. Change jobs if you must.
By spending time with this man who won't commit/can't commit/says repeatedly that he doesn't want a real realationship you are unavailable to meet a true love.

Hiddenvoice · 23/08/2023 06:56

Op you’re being used here. He knows you have feelings for him but all he wants is sex. He’s looking for a bit of intimacy whilst his girlfriend is ‘over seas’. Sorry but I wouldn’t believe this. I imagine he has a girlfriend and she may just work weekends and he can get away with it .

I know you like him and that’s why you’re not seeing how badly he is treating you. He keeps you hanging on by messaging so you won’t pull back. He wants you as a back up but apparently not good enough to be the real thing to him.

Aprilx · 23/08/2023 07:00

You are convenient sex, if somebody else told you this was happening to them, it would be clear to you what is happening. You need to set yourself free.

C1N1C · 23/08/2023 07:32

You sound like a really lovely, genuine woman who's being taken for a ride. He's giving you just enough to keep you interested but then throwing you back when he's 'foolishly allowed sex'.

Women who bake and show that much interest and consideration are one in a million. You deserve someone worthy :).

Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 07:43

You're a step up from a wank, for him.

He's not giving you mixed messages. He's making it very clear: sex only (and perhaps a cuddle in the daytime sometimes) He's being honest. He's not offering you a relationship, he's not making promises, he's making it clear that he doesn't want anything further than this. And in fact, he doesn't even really want this, except in the heat of the moment.

Make the decision for yourself, rather than hanging on his every word.

Remona · 23/08/2023 07:49

Don’t be confused. There are no mixed messages. He’s using you for sex and that’s all there is to it. He’d drop you like a hot potato if his girlfriend was available.

Please don’t kid yourself that this will develop into anything more because it absolutely won’t. You’re being used and you deserve so much more. Do yourself a favour and put a stop to this before you really get hurt.

BCBird · 23/08/2023 07:49

Invest in your well being. You deserve better. Ve single, appreciate your worth and then look again. Do not have sex with him again. I would cut all ties with him. Apart from.'morning' and any essential contact I would not engage with him
at all

DatingDinosaur · 23/08/2023 07:50

He's in love with someone else and just using you for sex because you're offering that up to him on a plate. You can't make someone fancy you by shagging them.

DatingDinosaur · 23/08/2023 07:55

Oh, and the only reason he's getting in touch when you back off is because he doesn't want his supply of fucks to disappear. This also doesn't mean he has feelings for you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/08/2023 08:14

Oh honey

he’s not into you
but he likes the sex and validation but no more

you deserve so much better

crumblylancs · 23/08/2023 09:09

Bottom line, he's using you for sex

harerunner · 23/08/2023 13:21

By allowing yourself to be treated like this you've shown that you have little respect for yourself.... In turn he won't have respect for you. Men won't fall in love with women they don't respect, they'll either be indifferent to them (if they're :decent) or use them, if they're not.

Before you try and find someone else (which you need to do as he'll just continue to hurt you), you need to work on your self-respect. Someone who had self-respect would have called it quits when he responded coolly after the first shag.

harerunner · 23/08/2023 13:23

To echo other posters, there are no mixed messages here. He doesn't appear to have given any indication that he likes you other than someone to hook up with.

Original poster
Glenda58 · 23/08/2023 13:31

Thank you for the replies here, as I felt it was mixed messages. I thought if someone was "using me" for sex, they wouldn't want to spend time together outside of that but he regularly now wants to do activities during the daytime as well. Sometimes he says he doesn't want to continue having sex and just wants to be friends but then we have a few drinks and sex ends up occurring.

As he spends quite a lot of time with me, like a girlfriend, I interpreted this as him wanting more than sex from me and that perhaps it would blossom into feelings with patience if he is trying to move on from someone else.

There are many ways he doesn't treat me like a girlfriend though too. His text messages are always friendly but never sexual or flirtatious and we have never been on a proper date or made any plans for the future. I have tried to hold his hand when we were out and he shook it away :(

I just felt like it was somehow meant to be. We get along so well.

OP posts:
ZebraD · 23/08/2023 13:34

Definitely not, if someone who he likes more comes along he will be off. Don’t fall into a false sense of security. He made it clear from the start. Men are not like women.

Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 14:02

I interpreted this as him wanting more than sex from me and that perhaps it would blossom into feelings with patience if he is trying to move on from someone else

Why would you accept this though? Why don't you want to find someone who wants what you want, with you, now? Why is hanging around hoping for him to fall for you even an option?

Original poster
Glenda58 · 23/08/2023 14:41

I am sorry to sound stupid here, but if someone just wants sex from you, why would they want to spend large amounts of time with you as well? For example going out for the day? If they like doing activities with you and enjoy your time together and they also enjoy the sex isn't that a relationship already? I am sorry to sound dense but I was married for almost three decades and this is my first experience on the dating scene (I am in my early 50s and he is a few years younger) so it's confusing for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Glenda58 · 23/08/2023 14:43

After several years in a dead marriage, a younger man wanting to do things with me and so on made me feel very excited so if I sound naïve please forgive me, I am not used to all this. I thought because we spent so much time together that this meant we were mutually falling in love and I have attempted to break it off but as I said he sends a text asking how I am and it goes from there. Each time I feel maybe he has come to his senses and sees what a great couple we make.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 23/08/2023 14:47

I'll tell you what I wish I'd known when I was younger - he fancies you and he likes you but for whatever reason, he doesn't see you as girlfriend material. And this will not change.

You chased him in the beginning and that's fine, but the point is that he's going with it as it's easy and a bit fun and he gets good sex, not because he actually likes you.

Stop it all right now so that you have a chance of moving on with your life.

ZebraD · 23/08/2023 14:49

You have just said it yourself - each time you think he has come to his senses. So you know he isn’t interested but are in denial and just hoping one day it will be the relationship you dream of. Everyone is saying the same thing. It’s up to you - enjoy it for what it is but don’t fool yourself into thinking you ever be someone just convenient and for the moment. Sorry to say that.