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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What's going on with him?

54 replies

Glenda58 · 23/08/2023 05:44

I met a guy at work and am a bit confused by mixed messages. Can you tell me what you think?

We were friendly at first and I fancied the pants off him so started bringing him coffee and cakes I'd baked as a treat, and then we'd chat a lot at after work drinks.

I was hoping he'd ask me out, but he didn't. However after a eork party I invited him back to mine and we had sex. He left immediately afterwards, saying he had an early start, and I texted him very flirting and he responded quite coldly with an emoticon so I assumed that was that. The next day at work he said it was a mistake and couldn't happen again.

Two weeks later the same happened again and then again and after it happened a few more times I told him I had serious feelings for him and wanted to know if felt the same. He said his situation was complicated and he had feelings for someone else.

I stopped seeing him briefly and then it happened again until it was happening every week. He's seemed very reluctant all the way through but if I pull away he will message and ask what I'm doing and then it starts up again.

I have questioned him a lot and he says we're better as friends, and several times he has said we should stop seeing each other because he has feelings for someone else (apparently she lives overseas) but every week he wants to be with me so it feels like a very mixed message.

He cuddles up in bed and we often spend weekends together now, but I am frustrated. I keep feeling if he really loved this other woman why wouldn't he be with her?

OP posts:

roses321 · 23/08/2023 14:55

Ok so put a packet of biscuits next to you at work and see what happens. Regardless of whether you really want the biscuits you'll eat them, you wouldn't have really wanted them if they weren't there to the point you'd have got up, walked to the shop and bought some, but they are there so you eat them and enjoy them.

Basically... you're the biscuit.

To be honest I think that you should review how you conduct yourself and I'm not saying that to in any way shame you, I'm saying it because these men will just take you for granted and you will get emotionally attached and they will fob you off with excuses and leave you feeling used. I'm saying it so you basically guard yourself against that in the future, not because I think that having sex is unacceptable on a first date etc.

He's used you and often we think that it's because they want us but it's not, it's just because any hole's a goal unfortunately. Feels shitty but it's how some of these jerks are.

Lose interest in him and tell him you stopped enjoying the sex with a deadpan face, that'll really fuck up his ego.

roses321 · 23/08/2023 14:58

Glenda58 · 23/08/2023 14:43

After several years in a dead marriage, a younger man wanting to do things with me and so on made me feel very excited so if I sound naïve please forgive me, I am not used to all this. I thought because we spent so much time together that this meant we were mutually falling in love and I have attempted to break it off but as I said he sends a text asking how I am and it goes from there. Each time I feel maybe he has come to his senses and sees what a great couple we make.

Spending time with you means nothing. It just means he's spending time with you because he probably enjoys your company but it doesn't mean he's going to set up shop with you.

If you're happy spending time with him and having random sex then carry on, if you're not and you want something genuine then kick him to the curb and tell him you have better things to do - which you undoubtedly do!

Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 15:01

Glenda58 · 23/08/2023 14:41

I am sorry to sound stupid here, but if someone just wants sex from you, why would they want to spend large amounts of time with you as well? For example going out for the day? If they like doing activities with you and enjoy your time together and they also enjoy the sex isn't that a relationship already? I am sorry to sound dense but I was married for almost three decades and this is my first experience on the dating scene (I am in my early 50s and he is a few years younger) so it's confusing for me.

Because he has nothing better to do. Wanting to put his penis inside you and wanting to do activities with you isn't the same as wanting to have a committed relationship with you. It's a relationship when you both agree that it's a relationship, and when you're on the same page about it. As it stands, you're not relating to one another at all; he's enjoying the moment and getting all he wants with the freedom to leave at the drop of a hat, whilst you pine and pine for more.

Find a situation where you get all you want. If you were in a healthy relationship, you'd know where you stood, you'd feel happy about your lot, and you'd be too busy having fun to be posting on forums.

Why don't you think you deserve better?

TedMullins · 23/08/2023 15:09

You’re asking the wrong questions. It’s neither here nor there what he feels or what his intentions are - the fact is, you want a proper relationship and he isn’t giving you that, so the question you need to ask yourself is why you’re still entertaining him? He isn’t giving you what you need, and while I know it’s hard to do the sensible and rational thing when feelings are involved, you need to put yourself and your needs first and accept that you can’t ever really know what someone else is feeling, or control how they behave.

It is absolutely possible to enjoy sex with someone and like them as a person and want to hang out, but not be falling in love or want a serious relationship with them. I had an FWB for 10 years for precisely this reason - he was fun, the sex was great, but for various reasons neither of us saw each other as a serious partner.

The fact he tries to tell you when he’s sober that he wants to be friends then only shags you when he’s drunk speaks volumes. You need to stop ascribing meanings to his behaviour that you want to be true and look at the facts: he has semi-dumped you many times, has feelings for someone else, and turned you down when you professed your feelings. That’s what you need to listen to - not the fact you happen to have a nice time when you hang out, because that doesn’t mean it’s anything deeper.

HamishTheCamel · 23/08/2023 15:20

If someone just wants sex from you, why would they want to spend large amounts of time with you as well?

It's not that he just wants sex from you. He probably likes you as a person too and enjoys spending time with you. But it's obvious, from both his actions and his words, that he does not want a proper relationship with you. Who knows why? The important thing is that he doesn't. He's had loads of opportunity to change his mind and he hasn't. Move on, OP.

thecatinthetwat · 23/08/2023 16:39

I think he wants to be friends op. The sex keeps happening because well, sex can be very tempting. He doesn’t see you the same way and he has told you that. It’s going to be hard to break this off but you’ll feel so much better if you do it now, than wait til he does it eventually.

momtoboys · 23/08/2023 16:47

This post is very sad. He doesn't care for you in a romantic way and certainly is not a decent friend. You are on a fast train to nowhere but heartbreak by pretending this situation is more than it is. I'm sorry.

DatingDinosaur · 23/08/2023 17:31

After reading your updates OP, you have a friend - with benefits. That's why his texts are friendly not flirtatious. That's why he says he'd just like to be friends - but then you drink alcohol and he gets horny (nothing new about that in the dating world). That's why he shakes your hand away when you're out in public.

He is still using you for sex in that respect and he's assuming you're okay with that because you keep allowing it. And you keep allowing it because you want him to want you like you want him.

babbscrabbs · 23/08/2023 17:35

GingerIsBest · 23/08/2023 14:47

I'll tell you what I wish I'd known when I was younger - he fancies you and he likes you but for whatever reason, he doesn't see you as girlfriend material. And this will not change.

You chased him in the beginning and that's fine, but the point is that he's going with it as it's easy and a bit fun and he gets good sex, not because he actually likes you.

Stop it all right now so that you have a chance of moving on with your life.

This

I had a "relationship" very similar sounding to this.

We clearly liked each other but I wasn't "good enough" to be his girlfriend. At the time I was a bit overweight and I think he was insecure about being with a fat girl 🙄. He's now married to a very beautiful woman and I hope very happy.

wineschmine · 23/08/2023 17:35

" I told him I had serious feelings for him and wanted to know if felt the same."

He's both told you and shown you that he doesn't.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I can never understand it when women do things like this.

Why are you lowering yourself to this? He has been incredibly clear. The fact that he uses you for sex occasionally is neither here nor there. He has made it clear he isn't interested. Stop making yourself available to him.

Hiddenvoice · 23/08/2023 18:19

He’s attracted to you and likes hanging out but as a friend. He gets drunk and then has sex with you which suggests he’s trying to set a boundary for himself but then just gets lost in the moment.

Id love to say he’s falling for you and it’s going to end in a relationship but it doesn’t feel like it is and we’d be giving you false hope then. If he wanted a relationship with you then he’d have asked you on a date by now and would be actively trying to build this into something .

He seems lonely and wants an ego boost, sorry but it feels like he messages you to keep you hanging on.
He hangs out with you because then he can say you two are friends. Please just cut him off, it’s only going to end with you getting hurt.

Didimum · 23/08/2023 19:33

Glenda58 · 23/08/2023 14:41

Because he is keeping you as an option and enjoys hanging out with someone so keen on him – it’s an ego boost.

This is far from mixed messages, and you are allowing him to do this to you. But I understand you must like him so much him that your perception is skewed, which sucks.

SunflowerTed · 24/08/2023 06:01

Glenda58 · 23/08/2023 13:31

Thank you for the replies here, as I felt it was mixed messages. I thought if someone was "using me" for sex, they wouldn't want to spend time together outside of that but he regularly now wants to do activities during the daytime as well. Sometimes he says he doesn't want to continue having sex and just wants to be friends but then we have a few drinks and sex ends up occurring.

As he spends quite a lot of time with me, like a girlfriend, I interpreted this as him wanting more than sex from me and that perhaps it would blossom into feelings with patience if he is trying to move on from someone else.

There are many ways he doesn't treat me like a girlfriend though too. His text messages are always friendly but never sexual or flirtatious and we have never been on a proper date or made any plans for the future. I have tried to hold his hand when we were out and he shook it away :(

I just felt like it was somehow meant to be. We get along so well.

You’re convenient until he csn get with the person he really wants to be with. Sorry - give your head and wobble and find someone who wants you as their first choice

whatamess100 · 24/08/2023 06:54

Come on, your worth more than this man. He's shagging you until he gets who he really want's hes having a great time havin his cake..

Dotcheck · 24/08/2023 07:03

He’s spending time with you so he can pretend to himself that he isn’t just using you.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2023 07:09

but if someone just wants sex from you, why would they want to spend large amounts of time with you as well?

Company.

I've been with players who wanted to spend time outside of sex. He looked forlorn if it looked like I was not having him to stay over etc. He just didn't like being on his own and liked company.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2023 07:11

He would even stay over, miles from where he needed to be the next day, rather than go home alone/be alone.

He was not interested in a relationship at all. The very opposite.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2023 07:13

Dotcheck · 24/08/2023 07:03

He’s spending time with you so he can pretend to himself that he isn’t just using you.

And possibly this.

Bit probably it just happens naturally/organically and he's not got anything else more interesting/motivating to do so he just takes the company the same way he takes the sex.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2023 07:51

roses321 · 23/08/2023 14:55

Basically... you're the biscuit.

He's used you and often we think that it's because they want us but it's not, it's just because any hole's a goal unfortunately. Feels shitty but it's how some of these jerks are.

Lose interest in him and tell him you stopped enjoying the sex with a deadpan face, that'll really fuck up his ego.

I agree totally re the packet of biscuits analogy.

I was going to say something similar about canapés at a party.

Ppl will take tit-bits that are offered on a plate, free. Not the same as choosing to have a meal, and paying for it.

He's filling time, enjoying the attention, company & validation, the person he's interested in is not available ATM.

He clearly kept trying to stop it from being sexual in the early days, but kept giving into the urge to take sex that was being offered/he knew he could have. Sounds like he's given up even trying to pretend to himself he's not going to take the sex anymore.

He still hasn't changed his mind about a relationship though. And he's showing you he won't. You're taking him continuing to have sex and, even more so, spending time with you as evidence he is; but that's not necessarily the case at all.

If he had, he'd let you know. He hasn't and doesn't intend to. If you ask him, and he's honest, he'll tell you that again.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2023 07:57

He won't even hold hands (although I'm glad in a way because if he was a worse type of person, he'd be all hand holding and lovely dovey while he was with you, and confuse & upset you even more).

You say you had a long sexless relationship, it sounds like you need to have some counselling.... Cause your first (?) involvement since seems to be a one sided "romance" with a guy who only wants fwb/a friend and who told you that from the start. If you couldn't also do FWB and not care, you should've left it alone.

Saying you thought it was meant to be while he's been saying the things he has ..... You need protect yourself more and be more realistic/cynical.

Watchkeys · 24/08/2023 08:09

I think it's also important to note that if you feel someone is giving you mixed messages, that's a reason to distance yourself from them, not a reason to try to get closer to them.

Compatible people feel that messages pass clearly and easily between them. They feel easily understood, and find the other person easy to understand. Mixed messages is incompatibility. You don't understand him.

Cas112 · 24/08/2023 08:15

He's literally told you how it is so it will be easy for him to end it and say well I told you how it was. Stop going there, your going to get so hurt

Valerie23 · 24/08/2023 08:17

You threw yourself at him and let him have sex at the first opportunity. That's a green light for a man to walk over you and disrespect you because they know they can get away with it.

He may or may not have genuine feelings for another woman who is overseas although it does sound like a made up story just to keep you in your place.

He certainly doesn't have genuine feelings for you and is simply using you.

You are worth more than that. The next time you meet someone who has an interest in you, don't do all the running and launch yourself at them. If he's interested he will chase you. And don't let him sleep with you before your know him well!

Watchkeys · 24/08/2023 09:01

You threw yourself at him and let him have sex at the first opportunity. That's a green light for a man to walk over you and disrespect you because they know they can get away with it

Having sex with someone is a green light for them to have sex with you, and nothing more. Whether they decide to disrespect you is up to them, and whether you allow them to is up to you, but having sex isn't a green light for anything except having sex, on that occasion.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/08/2023 15:04

You threw yourself at him and let him have sex at the first opportunity. That's a green light for a man to walk over you and disrespect you because they know they can get away with it

he’s not that into her and sadly this would have been the case If it was date 1,2 or 23

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