Been in an on/off relationship with a man for a few years. Friends and family have tried to point out how unhealthy aspects of how he treats me are, I’ve ignored it because I love him and no one is perfect.
This evening I’ve had something of an epiphany that he isn’t good for me and might be abusive. Please be gentle in responses, I know I probably sound like a weak pushover from these examples but I’ve spent so much emotional energy on this man and trying to make it work despite his constant criticisms.
These are a few things which have happened while we’ve been together-
Had a weekend away planned; he cancelled it with no notice the day we were meant to go away. When I tried to bring up how hurtful and inconsiderate I found this, he shouted at me right in my face for about an hour, telling me I was incredibly selfish and horrible for not seeing things from his point of view. For background, the reason he cancelled was because he felt tired from work that day. He was incredibly angry that I mentioned I found this hurtful.
Anything to do with how I feel is instantly dismissed or mocked. If I ever get upset during arguments he often laughs, and brings it up for days afterwards. He constantly tells me I’m too emotional and that I am the one who createS the issues Between us, by bringing up things which bother me.
The sort of things I bring up which bother me are him giving me the silent treatment, him being incredibly angry if I speak to men/a male friend with constant accusations of cheating. He often doesn’t calm down when I’m with a friend unless I take a photograph showing where I am and who I am with.
Alternates between being very dismissive, cold and horrible to being very warm and loving and trying to tell me that the reason he gets emotional or angry is because he loves and cares about me so much.
My feelings are a total inconvenience to him - he doesn’t want to ever hear how I feel and if I express or try and justify that I have emotional needs within the relationship, he mocks me for it and tells me that no man on earth would want to deal with the sort of shit I do. (AKA, trying to resolve any problems which we have, and just trying to be heard).
Over the years he has made me feel so upset consistently but I’ve held on because he told me about a lot of childhood trauma which he had and I believed that he does truly love me but the mask has slipped a few times recently and I’m starting to open my eyes to the reality of the situation I am in.
I’m really scared about the prospect of leaving him, Last time I tried he phoned me and was crying hysterically telling me that I have triggered his childhood abandonment issues and that I can’t leave him. Whenever he gets emotional I am expected to prioritise how he feels, but if it’s me; I will be instantly mocked and disregarded.
I just want to know how bad this really is as I stopped telling friends and family a while ago because he told me how uncomfortable it made him when I spoke about our issues - but he also refuses to discuss our issues between ourselves, so it leaves me feeling really isolated and without anyone to speak to.