Is this abusive? Please help.

[Helpplease197]

Been in an on/off relationship with a man for a few years. Friends and family have tried to point out how unhealthy aspects of how he treats me are, I’ve ignored it because I love him and no one is perfect.

This evening I’ve had something of an epiphany that he isn’t good for me and might be abusive. Please be gentle in responses, I know I probably sound like a weak pushover from these examples but I’ve spent so much emotional energy on this man and trying to make it work despite his constant criticisms.

These are a few things which have happened while we’ve been together-

Had a weekend away planned; he cancelled it with no notice the day we were meant to go away. When I tried to bring up how hurtful and inconsiderate I found this, he shouted at me right in my face for about an hour, telling me I was incredibly selfish and horrible for not seeing things from his point of view. For background, the reason he cancelled was because he felt tired from work that day. He was incredibly angry that I mentioned I found this hurtful.

Anything to do with how I feel is instantly dismissed or mocked. If I ever get upset during arguments he often laughs, and brings it up for days afterwards. He constantly tells me I’m too emotional and that I am the one who createS the issues Between us, by bringing up things which bother me.

The sort of things I bring up which bother me are him giving me the silent treatment, him being incredibly angry if I speak to men/a male friend with constant accusations of cheating. He often doesn’t calm down when I’m with a friend unless I take a photograph showing where I am and who I am with.

Alternates between being very dismissive, cold and horrible to being very warm and loving and trying to tell me that the reason he gets emotional or angry is because he loves and cares about me so much.

My feelings are a total inconvenience to him - he doesn’t want to ever hear how I feel and if I express or try and justify that I have emotional needs within the relationship, he mocks me for it and tells me that no man on earth would want to deal with the sort of shit I do. (AKA, trying to resolve any problems which we have, and just trying to be heard).

Over the years he has made me feel so upset consistently but I’ve held on because he told me about a lot of childhood trauma which he had and I believed that he does truly love me but the mask has slipped a few times recently and I’m starting to open my eyes to the reality of the situation I am in.

I’m really scared about the prospect of leaving him, Last time I tried he phoned me and was crying hysterically telling me that I have triggered his childhood abandonment issues and that I can’t leave him. Whenever he gets emotional I am expected to prioritise how he feels, but if it’s me; I will be instantly mocked and disregarded.

I just want to know how bad this really is as I stopped telling friends and family a while ago because he told me how uncomfortable it made him when I spoke about our issues - but he also refuses to discuss our issues between ourselves, so it leaves me feeling really isolated and without anyone to speak to.

Google 'anxious attachment style adult'.

i was just hoping things would change, each time I was close to leaving he would make loads of promises and sound so genuine and remorseful but then it would start back up again, so I ended up doubting myself and feeling like a really needy, emotional mess

I'm sorry lovely.... even from the first example alone I would say abusive. He has manipulated you into disregarding his faults through threats, manipulation and gaslighting.
I hope you realise this is not normal for a relationship. Please, please plan how to end this.

Yes it's intermittent reinforcement, good then bad in cycles. You become addicted to that cycle and it becomes the norm. You like the highs because they are not at the depth of the lows. Eventually any form of high, even if it's not that good you welcome.

It's emotional and psychological abuse, it destroys you slowly over time and you become dependent on them and it can make you sick with unexplained illness.

You'll form a bond, a trauma bond and although you can feel it's not good you want to stay. The longer you are in it the stronger that bond becomes and harder to break.

Get away from it, don't go down that path it's not good.

The key is to stop doubting yourself. What exactly is it that you think is a problem about you?

Do you have that problem with everybody, or just with him?

He's not a good person, and he won't change. You need to leave, tell your family and friends so they can support you, and hey yourself some therapy if you can to keep strong. Don't have children with him.

And whatever you do DO NOT get pregnant by him! Without a doubt he will become violent and extremely controlling if you are bound to him with "his child". Please take super extra caution in the next few weeks.

What a horrible man. He is making your life a misery. Don't put up with it. You owe him nothing.
I wish I had heeded my own advice 30 years ago and saved myself a whole shed load of misery.
Free yourself from this monstrosity and live your life for you x

I didn’t need to read further than “mocked me” That alone is vile and not the action of someone who loves you. It is the action of someone who wants to torment you.
Of course he has to put on some good behaviour —- you’d never have given him a second look otherwise. Then he alternates behaviours so you’re just that bit j sure, just that bit doubting.
Dump him. If he has a key to your house change the locks. If he contacts tell him to stop, any further contact will constitute harassment and you will call the police. Follow this through.

op i don’t think think you are stupid at all. You are probably a very kind person, hence the not wanting to ‘abandon’ him and putting him before yourself. I understand why you wrote that though I felt extremely foolish for putting up with a previous relationship after it ended.

This doesn’t sound like a relationship that meets your needs. How can a couple be a partnership if only the feelings and opinions of one person matters? What about you OP.

If you do end it make sure to at least temporarily block him so he can’t manipulate or guilt you into taking him back.

Those behaviours are narcissistic so you need to leave for your own wellbeing @Helpplease197

I don't know your housing situ so I'm hoping you rent because leaving will be easier than if you own. Find a safe place to move to. This could be a friends/family. Try to get to know people who understand how narcissists operate as they'll give you good advice.

Once you've left, stay away from him. If he becomes threatening report him and get a protection order put in place. The police can do this on their block box recorders but I think only a court can issue one with a power of arrest which you may need depending upon how he reacts.

You deserve better, lovely. xxx

I would first.. change the locks, 2nd, tell him its over and block him on EVERYTHING. 3rd, when he inevitably comes round to bang on the door, call the police and get a restraining order.

You don't have to be stupid.
I'm not stupid - I'm known as the brainiac in my family. The sensible one who manages a business, makes sound decisions, careful with my money, gives other people good advice etc.
But I've been where you are.

That's what gaslighting and mental abuse does - makes you feel like you're pathetic, stupid, weak, everything is your fault, you're too emotional, you're too chatty, you're too quiet, youre there too much and not letting him breathe or you're not there enough when he needs (demands) you, everything is your fault if something is wrong/needs resolving. Nobody will ever love you like he does, because nobody else would ever want you because you're all of the above. However, despite the 'nobody else will ever want you' you're persistently accused of cheating and need to prove your innocence at every turn.

It grinds your soul to nothing. Intelligence is not impervious to this kind of abuse.

But when you finally see it for yourself, and stop trying to play it down with 'but he's loving/nice/fun sometimes' and stop making excuses for him (my abusive ex had a dysfunctional childhood too, but it's not a permit to be a cunt) you'll realise this isn't lobe, it isn't a healthy relationship that will bring contentment and happiness. It will be forever toxic, stressful and deeply unhappy.

You can't live a life on "sometimes he's nice to me"

The love of your life? Raise your bar, he's an absolute piece of shit.

Leave now and do the freedom programme so you can assert some boundaries in your next relationship

Gosh @ThisIsMineThatIsMine that is very moving and important for the @Helpplease197 to read.

You have tried OP but I’m sure you don’t want a life like this long term. Your home should be your safe harbour, your respite from the rest of the world, not the most unpredictable and stressful part. My husband and I have been together for 32 years and he has never screamed at me like that (plenty of other issues to overcome) but I have never been afraid and it sounds like you are. I’m so sorry and hope there are better times in your immediate future x

Abusive arse. What are you getting out of this relationship?!

@Helpplease197 Been in an on/off relationship with a man for a few years.

I stopped reading there. Leave him. It’s on and off because this relationship doesn’t work for you. Get yourself into a nice “on and on” one.

Family and friends are right
I presume he’s not doing any therapy or working on his ‘issues’ himself, just using them as a rod to beat you with?
his issues are not your responsibility or yours to fix. Well done on seeing the light, ask your family for some support and safety if you can to get away from him

What a horrible man. You do not have to accept occasional bad behaviour and feel you need to offset it against the good. Look what he has done to you!

He is ruining your life OP and has already shredded your confidence.

Not your fault but he saw that you were nice and that he could manipulate you and treat you terribly and you would never leave because you won't put your own feelings before his.

He's a nasty bastard and you need to get the hell away from him. No wonder your family hate him. He's a tyrant and you deserve so, so, so much better.

He knows exactly what he is doing. When he cancels stuff like that and says he's tired. It's not because he's tired. He doesn't want to do anything that you look forward to. He enjoys the power he holds in pulling the rug from underneath you.

Please just leave. He's an incredibly insecure, weak bully and your life will be immeasurably better only once you've binned this horribly harmful one-way relationship.

So sorry you've been living like that OP. You don't need to.

OP

"but he always denies that he has done anything wrong, he pretty much says it is me who is the real problem. If I point out a concrete problem he will ignore it and say that me creating an argument is the real problem"

Don't get into debates with this piece of shit. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from trying to have sensible conversations with him about his behaviour or appealing to his better nature. You just need to

• Tell your family and friends what has been happening
• Ask for their support because you need to end this toxic relationship.

No-one thinks you're stupid. That's so not the issue. The issue is with him and him alone and can't be fixed by you.

If I point out a concrete problem he will ignore it and say that me creating an argument is the real problem.

Pretty much all abusers do this, it's one of the clearest signs of abuse. No accountability in regard to his own actions, but making out that having a problem with them is the 'real problem'. Vague (but strong) negative accusations towards you, and absolute refusal to discuss concrete problems they have caused or specific words and actions.

Unfortunately having a very sad childhood and severe abandonment issues is also extremely common in abusers, and it's one of the things that keeps their partners clinging in there for so long despite being desperately unhappy.

You have empathy for him, and hate the thought of doing something that is going to result in him feeling hurt. But you also know from the way he behaves that he simply doesn't have that same empathy for you. To normal people, this is quite confounding and almost feels impossible. Like, 'Surely he MUST care, he just really struggles to know how to express it. Or maybe it IS my fault and the reason he doesn't care is that my feelings are genuinely unworthy of caring about...?'

You have to leave, love. For your own mental health. He will cry and rave and protest and threaten, but that is because he is only concerned with getting his own wants and needs met by keeping you under his control, in a relationship with him.

You need to pour the physical, mental and emotional time and effort you've spent trying to make him happy into making yourself happy.

Also be ready for the token "I'll get help for my issues"

He won't.

One clean and final "fuck off and don't ever contact me again" is required.

The only "really needy emotional mess" around here is him. He sounds very much like he has borderline personality disorder judging by his fears of abandonment, hot and cold emotional state and general mindfuckery.

I am far from judging all people with BPD, as I suffer from some emotional/mental health problems myself but he reminds me a lot of someone I used to be with who later admitted he was afterwards diagnosed with that. It explained a lot of things.

He is not your problem and you do not deserve to be treated as you are. May be best to reassess this relationship?