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Original poster

Was I the selfish one in this situation?

65 replies

77mind77 · 22/08/2023 10:08

Hi, would really like some outside opinions on a pretty serious argument that me and my partner had yesterday.
For some background, we have been together for 4 years, but split up 4 months ago for a couple of weeks. We have been trying to repair our relationship.
I find things hard sometimes as he really lacks empathy and has quite a superficial approach to relationships. I like to talk whereas he will just brush over problems and finds it quite frustrating and hard having to communicate about anything above surface level. I realise that we aren't well matched in that respect, but I would really like to know what others think regarding what happened as I'm seriously considering walking away for good I'm that upset.

So he went away this weekend with friends to meet other friends that he hasn't seen for a couple of years as they live abroad. He was very excited and I was genuinely pleased for him to. The second day he was there I had a really tough day relating to past trauma of an extremely close member of my family attempting suicide, and thoughts all day re early childhood abuse from a family member triggered from a catch up that day that I had had with a friend.

He rang at 10pm that night just to say goodnight and ask was I ok. I replied not really and briefly explained why and asked if he had 3 mins spare for me to talk. He sighed and replied that he would just phone me in the morning. I found this incredibly hurtful and felt completely brushed off by him as I can't imagine ever not wanting to listen to him if he was genuinely distressed no matter where I was or what I was doing.
He could tell I was hurt and offered to phone me back later. He did but I told him that I was hurt from his complete lack of compassion and no longer wanted to.

He then phoned the next day and when I told him how I felt it blew up into a big row where he told me that I was selfish for asking him for 3 mins of his time when I knew he was out with friends, and that if the roles were reversed he would never have dreamt of letting me know that I had had a bad day and asking for some time as he would just want me to have fun and not worry about him. He then told me that he wished he had never rang me. I don't know if I'm being dramatic but right now I'm feeling pretty crushed that he could be so cruel as to call me selfish for just hoping for 3 mins of his time for some comfort.

I am very open to being told that it was thoughtless of me, I just can't really think straight right now due to so much stuff I have going on in my life at the moment, and would really appreciate some outside perspective please. as to if I'm over reacting here. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Mummysatthebodyshop · 22/08/2023 10:25

He was away with friends. Was there anyone else you could have got some emotional support from until he returned?

flipent · 22/08/2023 10:30

This doesn't sound like it was a one off.
From his reaction, I assume that you have often wanted additional support from him and probably at times which he would not consider convenient.

If you need a lot of emotional support, he may be exhausted by that.

Have you got any professional support to work through past trauma?

Original poster
77mind77 · 22/08/2023 10:32

Hi , thank you for replying. No, not regarding the abuse stuff. I guess it's the complete lack of compassion from my perspective. If he hadn't phoned, I wouldn't have bothered him, I wasn't desperate to talk as in seeking him out. When when he rang though, it kind of opened something and all I wanted at that moment was to share how I was feeling with him.
I think the lack of empathy that he has in general is becoming more and more of an issue for me which is why I'm not sure if I'm over reacting if this was just an isolated incident rather than a pattern in our relationship

OP posts:
TwoShyShy · 22/08/2023 10:33

If you don't have children with him, end the relationship. If you have children together accept how he is and find your emotional support elsewhere like a friend and a paid therapist.

Original poster
77mind77 · 22/08/2023 10:34

Yes I have had counselling from a Psychologist regarding the early abuse. I t was very helpful. The family member suicide attempt was very recent though and he wasn't great regarding support. This was why we split up for a brief period of time

OP posts:
MissAmbrosia · 22/08/2023 10:36

I can understand you feel you want support, but surely you could see that was not the best time. It wasn't an emergency and could have waited til he was back to talk about it.

Original poster
77mind77 · 22/08/2023 10:37

No children. I have 2 but they are both adults now. I have accepted how he is and do love him dearly. I think sometimes though I wonder if it's just utter selfishness rather than lack of empathy. I do appreciate the opinions though as I don't 100% trust my own thought process right now

OP posts:
TwoShyShy · 22/08/2023 10:38

You're very needy. I don't mean it as an insult I think it's a fact. One person cannot give you enough support you really need a support network. Men usually suck at emotional support so I'm not surprised at his reaction. I think you need to adjust your expectations and seek professional help.

Original poster
77mind77 · 22/08/2023 10:43

I'm actually not needy at all, and although I'm happy to be told that I haven't handled this well, hence me coming on here and asking, it's a bit shit to tell someone they are very needy from one just what has been posted here. I have had professional support, lots of it and have recovered well. People are allowed to have moments of upset though. I do have a good network of friends, he just caught me at a moment where I felt vulnerable and low, simple as that.

OP posts:
Fourlegsandatail · 22/08/2023 10:44

Sorry I think you sound like you lack self awareness. It wasn’t an emergency. I had a friend and partner like this and they were exhausting, I am so much happier in life without them.

I’m happy to be a shoulder to cry on and be supportive but at the appropriate time (and of course if it’s an emergency that is always an appropriate time no matter where I am or what I am doing).

CinnamonSodaPop · 22/08/2023 10:45

It doesn't matter what my husband was doing, he would make time to listen to me if I had a bad day and needed to talk. He'd drop what he was doing where possible. I don't see why you should expect less than that-- you've said that you aren't doing it every 5 minutes which might be different. Not selfish at all, you were reaching out to the person who is supposed to support you the most of everyone.

Whattodo112222 · 22/08/2023 10:48

I'm on the fence a little bit. Its 3 minutes.. not asking for a deep indepth conversation...however, you knew how much he was looking forward to the weekend, perhaps you could've said along the lines of no not feeling great but let's talk about it properly when you get home..
Nothing would've been sorted in 3 minutes and I doubt very much you would've felt better if you acknowledge he only addresses things at surface level.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 22/08/2023 10:48

Sorry, I do think you were the unreasonable one here.
He was not in the time or place to provide the support you desired and that's OK. Being someone's support like that can be demanding and it's difficult.

Do youbhave a network outside of him for instances where he just can't provide what you need?

cariadlet · 22/08/2023 10:48

It sounds like you're incompatible. Neither of you is right or wrong in what you want from a relationship; you are just very different.

FWIW, I'm more like your partner. I find deep talk about feelings etc difficult and a bit uncomfortable. I'm a good listener if someone I care about needs me to be but I find it very tiring.

I'm sorry that you had such a difficult day. You've clearly gone through some traumatic stuff. But it was unfair to want to offload onto your partner and potentially spoil his weekend. What could he have done? Would it really have only taken 3 minutes. I understand why he was upset and think it was good of him to have called you back.

youwouldthink · 22/08/2023 10:48

Sometimes we forget how hard it is to be the support person.
You've had a tough time and have wanted support and to unload and naturally that would be to someone you feel close to.
But. Being a support for someone on a constant basis can be so hard too. He may just be incredibly tired and have wanted the weekend to relax, switch off and feel lighter.
Its easy to be so wrapped up in our own issues that we forget the burden put on to those we offload to.

TheFlis12345 · 22/08/2023 10:49

It might sound harsh but if I was on a fun, rare night out with friends I hadn’t seen in years, I wouldn’t want my partner or anyone else ruining the good mood with a long depressing conversation when I had just called for a breezy quick goodnight chat.

Original poster
77mind77 · 22/08/2023 10:55

Thank you all. You have given me a different perspective to look from and I do appreciate it.

OP posts:
Moroccanqueen · 22/08/2023 10:59

The best advice I was given was don’t expect people to react how you would react or how you would want them to react. My OH will listen and give advice and he’s really supportive but he’s not “soft and fluffy” with his words which can come across like he doesn’t show empathy to those who don’t know him, partly because he had a hard up bringing with not much love shown. He’s much more practical and matter of fact. But he shows it in his own ways by recognising that I need support and doing little gestures to make me feel better and show he’s there and for me that’s perfect but it took me a long time to understand this.

he may not have felt comfortable to have a deep conversation while with his friends and it might not have been appropriate but he did offer to call you back as a compromise. It sounds like it may have had abit of an attitude but could that be because this kind of this has happened before?

featheryfancy · 22/08/2023 11:06

I’m sorry you were having a difficult time but I do think you were the selfish one here.
If I was on a long anticipated night away with friends that was supposed to be about fun and enjoying catching up and my partner wanted to talk about their childhood trauma in the middle of that, even if only for 3 minutes, I’d be irritated. I’d find it draining and it would affect my mood for the rest of the evening.
I’m very supportive generally but this wasn’t an emergency or a recent situation and didn’t need to be discussed at that point in time.

77mind77 · 22/08/2023 11:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

flipent · 22/08/2023 11:07

I agree with pp, you don't sound compatible.

Sounds like you may both be better off moving on.

Original poster
77mind77 · 22/08/2023 11:07

When I say 'happened before', I am referring to arguments where I have completely let down from him

OP posts:
Amethys · 22/08/2023 11:11

“I like to talk whereas he will just brush over problems and finds it quite frustrating and hard having to communicate about anything above surface level” That quote from your OP describes most men. Good luck finding a man who likes to chat about feelings as much as women do!

Anyway. I’m so sorry about your past trauma. But you shouldn’t probably have answered the phone if you weren’t able to have a conversation without upsetting and emotionally draining the person calling you. He was with friends he hadn’t seen for years. That’s a special occasion. It is sweet that he rang you at 10pm, he was probably expecting a quick exchange of what you’d both been up to, a ‘love you’ and a ‘good night.’ It was an inappropriate time for you to pour out a lot of pain from your past. He is not your therapist.

Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine you’re at a party having a wonderful time with people you haven’t seen for years. How would you feel, genuinely, if during the party you call your boyfriend to say hi and he randomly wants to talk about sex abuse and other heavy shit. It ruins your evening.

Honestly, I’m suspicious that on some level you resented him having fun without you and you were actively trying to drag him down. It comes across as controlling behaviour by you. I think you need to talk to a counsellor about the lack of empathy and understanding you’re showing towards him here. Why couldn’t you just let him have fun? Why did you need to bring him down?

Kellogg1 · 22/08/2023 11:11

I do think it is selfish. If he cannot have a few days of mental respite without you having to burden him with your low mood you really need to address that yourself. It is exhausting as the mentally sound person to continuously support a friend/partner in need but the fact he is around shows he is willing to. His time with friends is respite and you can’t even let him have that

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 22/08/2023 11:13

I think you were U expecting empathy from someone in the midst of a fun catch up. The original issue, however, was a bit of a shocker. He doesn’t seem committed enough to find room for you emotionally or physically.
you aren’t comparable. I wouldn’t forgive him either!