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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I the selfish one in this situation?

65 replies

77mind77 · 22/08/2023 10:08

Hi, would really like some outside opinions on a pretty serious argument that me and my partner had yesterday.
For some background, we have been together for 4 years, but split up 4 months ago for a couple of weeks. We have been trying to repair our relationship.
I find things hard sometimes as he really lacks empathy and has quite a superficial approach to relationships. I like to talk whereas he will just brush over problems and finds it quite frustrating and hard having to communicate about anything above surface level. I realise that we aren't well matched in that respect, but I would really like to know what others think regarding what happened as I'm seriously considering walking away for good I'm that upset.

So he went away this weekend with friends to meet other friends that he hasn't seen for a couple of years as they live abroad. He was very excited and I was genuinely pleased for him to. The second day he was there I had a really tough day relating to past trauma of an extremely close member of my family attempting suicide, and thoughts all day re early childhood abuse from a family member triggered from a catch up that day that I had had with a friend.

He rang at 10pm that night just to say goodnight and ask was I ok. I replied not really and briefly explained why and asked if he had 3 mins spare for me to talk. He sighed and replied that he would just phone me in the morning. I found this incredibly hurtful and felt completely brushed off by him as I can't imagine ever not wanting to listen to him if he was genuinely distressed no matter where I was or what I was doing.
He could tell I was hurt and offered to phone me back later. He did but I told him that I was hurt from his complete lack of compassion and no longer wanted to.

He then phoned the next day and when I told him how I felt it blew up into a big row where he told me that I was selfish for asking him for 3 mins of his time when I knew he was out with friends, and that if the roles were reversed he would never have dreamt of letting me know that I had had a bad day and asking for some time as he would just want me to have fun and not worry about him. He then told me that he wished he had never rang me. I don't know if I'm being dramatic but right now I'm feeling pretty crushed that he could be so cruel as to call me selfish for just hoping for 3 mins of his time for some comfort.

I am very open to being told that it was thoughtless of me, I just can't really think straight right now due to so much stuff I have going on in my life at the moment, and would really appreciate some outside perspective please. as to if I'm over reacting here. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2023 11:16

It wouldn’t be 3 minutes, don’t be disingenuous. You’d have been better not picking up.

It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on and he’s up for fun, not providing this level of intense support. Relationships are meant to add joy to your life, which sounds lacking for both of you. It shouldn’t be this complicated or hard work.

GreyCarpet · 22/08/2023 11:16

Yes, in their situation, I think you were selfish.

Put yourself in his shoes. He was away for a weekend with friends he hasn't seen for a long time. He's had a great day, he's had fun, he's enjoying himself. He's probably nipped out from them, wherever they are and whatever they're doing, to give you a quick call to say good night. He's keen to speak to you but also keen to get back to them. They're probably wanting for him.

He calls you feeling all happy and excited and when he asks if you're OK, rather than getting, "I am. How are things going there?" or whatever, he gets, "No, not really. Can I talk to you for 3 mins?"
And whump. Instant deflation. He knows it's going to take longer than three minutes because it's probably going to take you at least that long to explain exactly what's happened and how you feel about it. He's then got to completely change his mindset/role from happy, man away in holiday with his friends, missing his girlfriend and having a lovely, loving and fun goodnight, to emotional support human. He offered to call you back at a more appropriate time and it wasn't good enough.

Yes, it would be nice if he could understand, respect and meet your emotional needs but that's a two way street.

In your shoes, I'd have (and have) just said, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit tired!" in response to the question and talked about it when he got back if I needed to.

I can't imagine any situation where it would be appropriate to derail a quick, light hearted goodnight call in these circumstances with non emergency emotional angst. Part of being an adult is regulating our own emotions. It's nice to have someone to talk things through with but not at the other person's expense.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/08/2023 11:22

I think the thing is OP that there’s a massive difference between listening to a partner bitch for a couple of minutes about e.g. a bad day at work or an annoyance of the day, and giving a bit of sympathy and a pick-me-up; and listening to a partner talk about their childhood trauma, which he has no doubt heard all about over and over during the relationship, and which he doesn’t have the knowledge or therapeutic skills to support you through. I can practically feel the heart-sink moment he’ll have had when he called, intending it to be for good night wishes, and then realising you wanted to trauma dump again. Being the support person in a relationship all the time is hard.

He can’t be your therapist, but that seems to be what you want him to be, even though you play it down as just wanting “three minutes” of his time, and some “supportive words.” You need to separate the role of partner from the role of helping you with trauma and I agree with others, end this relationship whilst you work to doing that so you’re in a healthier place to be a good partner to somebody yourself in the future.

Olika · 22/08/2023 11:26

I agree with PPs. It's better you walk out of this relationship.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2023 11:26

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

I think this time you were a bit U

That other time - no, absolutely he should have stayed. You should have been his priority.

I wouldn't forgive him for that either

GreyCarpet · 22/08/2023 11:28

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/08/2023 11:22

I think the thing is OP that there’s a massive difference between listening to a partner bitch for a couple of minutes about e.g. a bad day at work or an annoyance of the day, and giving a bit of sympathy and a pick-me-up; and listening to a partner talk about their childhood trauma, which he has no doubt heard all about over and over during the relationship, and which he doesn’t have the knowledge or therapeutic skills to support you through. I can practically feel the heart-sink moment he’ll have had when he called, intending it to be for good night wishes, and then realising you wanted to trauma dump again. Being the support person in a relationship all the time is hard.

He can’t be your therapist, but that seems to be what you want him to be, even though you play it down as just wanting “three minutes” of his time, and some “supportive words.” You need to separate the role of partner from the role of helping you with trauma and I agree with others, end this relationship whilst you work to doing that so you’re in a healthier place to be a good partner to somebody yourself in the future.

Every word of this.

I can practically feel the heart-sink moment he’ll have had when he called, intending it to be for good night wishes, and then realising you wanted to trauma dump again. Being the support person in a relationship all the time is hard.

Yes, I can too.

OP, I live with childhood (and beyond) trauma and I know I trauma dump at times on my partner. He listens but there's not a lot he can say because he's just a man who doesn't have the skills and knowledge to support me through it. I've had therapy so I know this. I never get upset and keep it lighthearted even but it's only lighthearted for me.

I would be totally inappropriate for me to do it when he was in another country, with friends, having a lovely time and he was excited to be there. It would be relationship endingly selfish actually.

GreyCarpet · 22/08/2023 11:33

That other time - no, absolutely he should have stayed. You should have been his priority.

I also agree with this but I can see how, of support and trauma dumping happens a lot, he will be unable to separate "here we go again" from a genuine need.

Either, he doesn't give a shit about her (but I don't think that was the case or he wpuldkt be bothering at all) or he is trying to put boundaries in place to protect himself and got it wrong on this occasion.

It can become a bit 'boy who cried wolf' in working out when support is genuinely needed and when it isn't. When compassion fatigue hits, it hits.

thecatinthetwat · 22/08/2023 11:37

Op, he was very wrong to leave you last time and I doubt you can forgive him. But this time I think you were being unreasonable. Perhaps subconsciously, you were testing him. Realistically, he can’t support you in this scenario (over the phone whilst away). But of course you want him to be there for you. Continue to seek support for you and family 💐

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 22/08/2023 11:41

Were you actually broken up last time or was this the reason for the break up?

To be honest it sounds like you're needing more than he's wanting to live with right now.

And that doesn't make anyone wrong. I persianlly am not in a position right now to mentally be anyone's support. There's nothing partially wrong going on but it's just not something I can do. That needs to be respected as much as someone's need for support.

MsRosley · 22/08/2023 11:44

Assuming your son's suicide attempt was a serious one, then your partner behaved like an arsehole. I am not surprised you feel let down by him. It sounds like everything has to be on his terms and he resents any intrusion into his life or headspace.

Frankly, I'd leave him. He's intensely selfish and sees empathy as an obligation.

FloydPepper · 22/08/2023 11:47

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2023 11:16

It wouldn’t be 3 minutes, don’t be disingenuous. You’d have been better not picking up.

It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on and he’s up for fun, not providing this level of intense support. Relationships are meant to add joy to your life, which sounds lacking for both of you. It shouldn’t be this complicated or hard work.

If it would only take 3 minutes then it’s so minor it’s not worth memtioning

if it’s a long call, best not to ask for it while he’s away. Either way I think you got it wrong

yellowsmileyface · 22/08/2023 11:48

It wouldn’t be 3 minutes, don’t be disingenuous. You’d have been better not picking up.

This. Realistically he wouldn't have been able to offer you the emotional support you needed in 3 minutes. He was just ringing to say good night, and wasn't mentally prepared to have a deep emotional conversation. He offered to make time for you later, and it sounds like you had a go at him for not just being available when you needed.

Regarding the other situation 4 months ago, I can see why you'd be hurt, and in that instance I think he should have offered to stay and support you. I think your hurt from that situation is feeding into this one, and you're responding to this situation as though it's comparable, which it isn't.

Our partners are meant to support us, but sometimes it's fair to say "now isn't a good time, can we address this later?", so long as things do get addressed.

It could just be that your communication styles aren't compatible, and if that's the case it's not something you can force.

MsRosley · 22/08/2023 11:48

OP, a lot of people don't understand trauma or dysregulation. They think it's something you can switch off when it's inconvenient for someone else. I don't see what else you could have done when he rang. Lied? Pretended you were fine? He's your partner, for god's sake. If he knew you at all, he'd have been able to tell from the sound of your voice that you were upset.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 22/08/2023 11:55

Some people cannot offer emotional support. They care, they love you but they do not know how to support.

Some people are supportive up to a certain level then cannot give any more as it's starting to affect their health too. Self preservation. It doesn't stop them caring or loving you.

You need different people for emotional support as suicide is multifaceted, so please seek professional help rather than him. You are being unfair on him, especially when he's trying to enjoy a break with friends.

MrLbz · 22/08/2023 11:56

He's not emotionally equipped to be your partner unfortunately.

You will need someone with a very high level of relationship and emotional skills if you have both past trauma and current issues with your children that you need support with.

Original poster
77mind77 · 22/08/2023 12:02

Thank you, some very insightful replies. To the poster that suggested ( sorry, I don't know how to tag names on here) I was comparing this incident to how my partner behaved 4 months ago re my son. I think you are right, and that is what I was concerned about that I was doing which is why I posted for impartial advice

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 22/08/2023 12:02

MsRosley · 22/08/2023 11:48

OP, a lot of people don't understand trauma or dysregulation. They think it's something you can switch off when it's inconvenient for someone else. I don't see what else you could have done when he rang. Lied? Pretended you were fine? He's your partner, for god's sake. If he knew you at all, he'd have been able to tell from the sound of your voice that you were upset.

A lot of people don't understand the impact of trauma, I will agree with that but if someome is so emotionally dysregulated by their trauma that they can't keep it together for a brief goodnight phonecall, then it is up to them to manage that. Being 'emotionally dysregulated' isn't an 'excuse' to treat others badly.

Therapy gives a person the tools to regulate themselves emotionally.

If that's not possible at a given time, then the emotionally dysregulated person needs to remove themselves from the situation - eg leave a social situation or not answer a call.

That's how I manage it. If the techniques I have to use aren't working, I remove myself. This includes not answering calls and then messaging later to say sorry I missed them and I'll speak tomorrow.

If someone is so dysregulated that they can't manage that, they shouldn't be in a relationship and seek out real therapy instead. Our personal emotional regulation is our own responsibility. Not anyone else's.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 22/08/2023 12:06

My son attempted suicide and he went away for the day, again to see friends that he hadn't seen for a long time. I would have loved for him to stay and been by my side as it was the worst day of my life.
I'm sorry that happened but from my own perspective when that happened to me I didn't want anyone else. I wanted to concentrate on my child exclusively and not have a spare part hanging around. I didn't even want her father/dh there as he distracted me with his wants of coffee, bland chat, toiet, etc. My child wouldn't have appreciated anyone else being either as suicide is an incredibly personal thing. It's a you, them and medical staff time only. I imagine your partner thought the same. You need to let that go.

TedMullins · 22/08/2023 12:10

CinnamonSodaPop · 22/08/2023 10:45

It doesn't matter what my husband was doing, he would make time to listen to me if I had a bad day and needed to talk. He'd drop what he was doing where possible. I don't see why you should expect less than that-- you've said that you aren't doing it every 5 minutes which might be different. Not selfish at all, you were reaching out to the person who is supposed to support you the most of everyone.

This! I can’t believe the responses you’re getting here. Men do not “suck at emotional support” - if all the men you know are like that then you hang out with shit men. He rang YOU, you didn’t interrupt his night out. My partner would’ve taken 10 mins or longer to talk to me if I was struggling, even if he was on a night out. As I would for him. That’s really the most basic level of empathy and support you can

TedMullins · 22/08/2023 12:13

Oops posted too soon. It’s the most basic level of support you should expect in a relationship! If people think this is too much or too needy then I can only assume they have surface level relationships that they can’t rely on in times of difficultly or trauma. I do agree with posters saying you need professional therapy too and he can’t fix the problem, but expecting 3 mins of his time for reassurance is absolutely not too much.

Original poster
77mind77 · 22/08/2023 12:14

Thank you. I have appreciated the responses here, but some of the assumptions being made re me are so far off the mark it's unreal. I don't go after emotional support from him constantly, or anyone else for that matter. One of my issues is that I tend to keep it all inside my past trauma. I very rarely speak about it to anyone, I certainly don't emotionally dump on him all the time!

OP posts:
Original poster
77mind77 · 22/08/2023 12:15

Yes, it seems most think I got it wrong on this occasion, but the assumptions I do it all the time..... nope, absolutely not!

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 22/08/2023 12:18

I don't think you are overreacting to feel hurt.

If my husband was distressed and needed a moment of my time I can't imagine blowing him off for any reason. It's just not how you treat someone you love.

dafttomtom · 22/08/2023 12:18

MrLbz · 22/08/2023 11:56

He's not emotionally equipped to be your partner unfortunately.

You will need someone with a very high level of relationship and emotional skills if you have both past trauma and current issues with your children that you need support with.

I agree with this post.

I don't think you're compatible op. I can see both sides here.

I think you need to find a regular therapist again.

GreyCarpet · 22/08/2023 12:19

TedMullins

There is a big difference between supporting someone through a crap day generally and supporting someone with complex trauma needs.

I didn't used to he able to see the difference but, since going through therapy, I can. Very much so.

I still need to offload to my partner about a crazy day at work or whatever. It has a definite end point and people know what to say.

When someone has trauma needs, or a trauma response, it can last for hours and you almost have a script for it that you go through on autopilot. Many, many times. It's not the same thing at all.

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