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Original poster

Was I the selfish one in this situation?

65 replies

77mind77 · 22/08/2023 10:08

Hi, would really like some outside opinions on a pretty serious argument that me and my partner had yesterday.
For some background, we have been together for 4 years, but split up 4 months ago for a couple of weeks. We have been trying to repair our relationship.
I find things hard sometimes as he really lacks empathy and has quite a superficial approach to relationships. I like to talk whereas he will just brush over problems and finds it quite frustrating and hard having to communicate about anything above surface level. I realise that we aren't well matched in that respect, but I would really like to know what others think regarding what happened as I'm seriously considering walking away for good I'm that upset.

So he went away this weekend with friends to meet other friends that he hasn't seen for a couple of years as they live abroad. He was very excited and I was genuinely pleased for him to. The second day he was there I had a really tough day relating to past trauma of an extremely close member of my family attempting suicide, and thoughts all day re early childhood abuse from a family member triggered from a catch up that day that I had had with a friend.

He rang at 10pm that night just to say goodnight and ask was I ok. I replied not really and briefly explained why and asked if he had 3 mins spare for me to talk. He sighed and replied that he would just phone me in the morning. I found this incredibly hurtful and felt completely brushed off by him as I can't imagine ever not wanting to listen to him if he was genuinely distressed no matter where I was or what I was doing.
He could tell I was hurt and offered to phone me back later. He did but I told him that I was hurt from his complete lack of compassion and no longer wanted to.

He then phoned the next day and when I told him how I felt it blew up into a big row where he told me that I was selfish for asking him for 3 mins of his time when I knew he was out with friends, and that if the roles were reversed he would never have dreamt of letting me know that I had had a bad day and asking for some time as he would just want me to have fun and not worry about him. He then told me that he wished he had never rang me. I don't know if I'm being dramatic but right now I'm feeling pretty crushed that he could be so cruel as to call me selfish for just hoping for 3 mins of his time for some comfort.

I am very open to being told that it was thoughtless of me, I just can't really think straight right now due to so much stuff I have going on in my life at the moment, and would really appreciate some outside perspective please. as to if I'm over reacting here. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 22/08/2023 12:19

Amethys · 22/08/2023 11:11

“I like to talk whereas he will just brush over problems and finds it quite frustrating and hard having to communicate about anything above surface level” That quote from your OP describes most men. Good luck finding a man who likes to chat about feelings as much as women do!

Anyway. I’m so sorry about your past trauma. But you shouldn’t probably have answered the phone if you weren’t able to have a conversation without upsetting and emotionally draining the person calling you. He was with friends he hadn’t seen for years. That’s a special occasion. It is sweet that he rang you at 10pm, he was probably expecting a quick exchange of what you’d both been up to, a ‘love you’ and a ‘good night.’ It was an inappropriate time for you to pour out a lot of pain from your past. He is not your therapist.

Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine you’re at a party having a wonderful time with people you haven’t seen for years. How would you feel, genuinely, if during the party you call your boyfriend to say hi and he randomly wants to talk about sex abuse and other heavy shit. It ruins your evening.

Honestly, I’m suspicious that on some level you resented him having fun without you and you were actively trying to drag him down. It comes across as controlling behaviour by you. I think you need to talk to a counsellor about the lack of empathy and understanding you’re showing towards him here. Why couldn’t you just let him have fun? Why did you need to bring him down?

I wouldn’t even consider dating someone who didn’t/couldn’t talk about feelings so I can assure you, there are plenty of emotionally competent and capable men out there. If I was at a party and my partner was having difficulty with memories of past sexual abuse I’d find a quiet spot, tell them I’m listening and there for them and ask what they need, and also say I’m happy to devote more time to a longer chat when I’m not on a night out. But I’d absolutely want to make sure they were ok in the moment. I can’t imagine a world in which my enjoyment of a party would take priority over someone’s trauma, especially a loved one. Of course nobody wants to discuss sex abuse but I imagine having suffered it is far worse than simply hearing about it. I’d expect the same from a partner if the situation was reversed and anything less would be subpar for me and cause to rethink a relationship.

stillavid · 22/08/2023 12:25

Yes, you over reacted this time but that's just one incident. You know if the relationship is worth saving overall.

I hope you are ok and feeling a little better.

TedMullins · 22/08/2023 12:26

GreyCarpet · 22/08/2023 12:19

TedMullins

There is a big difference between supporting someone through a crap day generally and supporting someone with complex trauma needs.

I didn't used to he able to see the difference but, since going through therapy, I can. Very much so.

I still need to offload to my partner about a crazy day at work or whatever. It has a definite end point and people know what to say.

When someone has trauma needs, or a trauma response, it can last for hours and you almost have a script for it that you go through on autopilot. Many, many times. It's not the same thing at all.

But that wasn’t what was happening. She said she doesn’t trauma dump on his frequently (which is different, and yes, would be untenable) but had been reminded of the trauma and was feeling low. She just needed a few supportive words rather than a huff and “I’ll call you later”. Scheduling a proper talk at a more appropriate time is fine - “I’m really sorry to hear that, just remember I love and support you, and when I’ve got more free time we can have a good chat, how does that sound?” There are ways and means of saying it.

Magicoven · 22/08/2023 12:27

I think it's important to build a support network beyond a partner. I have the opposite and I know DH would drop everything to come home if I said I was struggling; but unless it was something catastrophic I wouldn't say this whilst he was out having fun as it can be quite draining no matter how much you love someone. I know that sounds harsh but it's true for many. The bigger issue seems to be he doesn't really give any emotional support at all.

Mrsttcno1 · 22/08/2023 12:28

I agree with many others OP, although I am sorry you felt the way you did, I don’t think it was appropriate or necessary to share it with him at that moment.

DH & I both would only bother the other with something while we were having fun/time with friends if it was an emergency. Purposefully or not, it does spoil your evening.

I know you are saying you don’t do it all the time, and maybe you don’t consciously, but it may be possible you are doing it often without realising it? I say that because if I very rarely if ever do something, it probably wouldn’t come so naturally to me to bring it up during a quick goodnight phone call when my DH is out with friends.

hdbs17 · 22/08/2023 12:28

There's a time and a place for everything and that time wasn't the correct one.
He was busy and had plans.
His needs are as equal as yours and his needs in that moment was to spend time with friends.

Pinkdelight3 · 22/08/2023 13:23

“I’m really sorry to hear that, just remember I love and support you, and when I’ve got more free time we can have a good chat, how does that sound?”

Does anyone talk like that though, unless their partner is an actual therapist? Realistically, I agree that the opening paragraph describes a lot of men's approach. My DH is much more sensitive but still doesn't want to talk things through as much as I do and definitely not on a phonecall. Three minutes is no good for either of you in that situation and if your thoughts were triggered by your friend earlier that day, you need to have other people around who can help, not look to your DP who is far away, in a very different mode and has no form for being useful in such a situation anyway. It's a test he was bound to fail (which may also partly explain his attitude to not even engaging with it). Sorry for all the troubles you've had in your childhood and more recently and sounds like you do need proper tools to deal with the thoughts so they're not either bottled up or offloaded onto the wrong people who will make things worse.

notsorighteousthesedays · 22/08/2023 13:55

You were not wrong to ask for support, he is your long-term partner - that should be part of sharing lives ....

Where I think you've gone wrong is in trying to maintain the relationship when he has clearly shown he is now only there for the good times not the hard times - maybe he was in the past, or maybe you just never needed him to step-up before, but he has shown you twice recently that he won't.

You need to decide, painful though it might be, whether you want an unequal relationship, or, if you would be better simply ending it and putting yourself, and your children, first.

perfectcolourfound · 22/08/2023 15:03

If he left you after your son attempted suicide, so he could go on a day out, when you wanted him to stay with you, then he's thoughtless.

The more recent incident, I have some sympathy for him. I think we've all had those occasions when we've needed to keep quiet about something so as not to wreck someone else's day / when they couldn't do anything about it anyway. In your shoes I wouldn't have expected him to be in a position to talk about something so deep when he was away with friends. I'd have waited until he came back. And then when he got back in touch with you and offered to talk at a better time, you told him you no longer wanted to. If you really wanted to talk, you should have taken him up on that offer. It comes across as though you wanted to punish him for not being available when you first demanded it.

But perhaps you are more sensitive because of the previous incident (and maybe other previous incidents?), and I would understand that.

earboop · 22/08/2023 15:30

I think I would have said something and I know my DH would have given me support.

Neverseenbefore · 22/08/2023 15:34

I think you were out or order here. But the first incident, I think he maybe should have stayed.

Aubree17 · 22/08/2023 18:30

I tend to agree that the deeper issue here is that you are incompatible.

I do think you were being unreasonable. It could have waited until he returned.

5128gap · 22/08/2023 18:54

You were in the wrong. You say yourself you didn't 'need' to talk to him and wouldn't have bothered had he not called, so you could have stuck with that and just wished him a nice night.
To ask for '3 minutes' and then frame his refusal as particularly awful in light of the brevity of time asked for is a little disingenuous too. How could that conversation possibly have been completed satisfactorily in 3 minutes? Had it gone ahead it would have been lengthy, emotionally draining and would have ruined his positivity about his night. Which would have been very unfair for a non essential conversation.
You are carrying a heavy burden, but if people are to support you to carry it, you need to treat them with empathy and consideration in return.

pimplebum · 22/08/2023 22:19

I personally would not have let on I was distressed in that situation as I would not have wanted to bring down my partners mood and make them worry about Me that wasn't fair as he was off having a great time that you ruined

If you were incapable of faking a cheery smile on the phone to him then you should have said you were sleepy and off to bed and texted him" all good here babes I'm falling asleep chat tomorrow- have fun ! Xx "
Then had your deep and meaningful chat when he came home

You were extremely needy and spoit his night away this would have been a relationship killer for me

I am sorry you have had significant trauma but he is not your therapist you should form a network of support , maybe online forums , phone lines and other therapists and not use him as your support in this way

Fallingthroughclouds · 23/08/2023 10:04

Amethys · 22/08/2023 11:11

“I like to talk whereas he will just brush over problems and finds it quite frustrating and hard having to communicate about anything above surface level” That quote from your OP describes most men. Good luck finding a man who likes to chat about feelings as much as women do!

Anyway. I’m so sorry about your past trauma. But you shouldn’t probably have answered the phone if you weren’t able to have a conversation without upsetting and emotionally draining the person calling you. He was with friends he hadn’t seen for years. That’s a special occasion. It is sweet that he rang you at 10pm, he was probably expecting a quick exchange of what you’d both been up to, a ‘love you’ and a ‘good night.’ It was an inappropriate time for you to pour out a lot of pain from your past. He is not your therapist.

Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine you’re at a party having a wonderful time with people you haven’t seen for years. How would you feel, genuinely, if during the party you call your boyfriend to say hi and he randomly wants to talk about sex abuse and other heavy shit. It ruins your evening.

Honestly, I’m suspicious that on some level you resented him having fun without you and you were actively trying to drag him down. It comes across as controlling behaviour by you. I think you need to talk to a counsellor about the lack of empathy and understanding you’re showing towards him here. Why couldn’t you just let him have fun? Why did you need to bring him down?

She's right. You're doing him a disservice. Sorry for what you are going through, but you really pulled a number on him here. Let him have a nice time away, and discuss it if you still feel you need to when he gets back. You felt miserable, you then made him miserable. Is 10pm on his night out a reasonable time to be expecting him to want to discuss sexual abuse and suicide? No absolutely not. I really think you need to apologise asap. I wouldn't blame him for thinking you have tried to sabotage his night out, really controlling behaviour.

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