Is glancing at another woman 4/5 considered checking them out?

[Ol4529]

We have been together around a year I know that he loves me but I can't help but think sometimes when we are out that he is looking at other women. It's happened on a few occasions and I have pulled him up on it, each time he has got angry and defensive and swore he wouldn't do that to me. I can't help but think it could be in my head. It has happened again and I feel really uncomfortable about it as it makes me feel ugly. It wasn't a full on stare but he looked in her direction about 5 times. I want to believe he is just looking around and noseying at other people and I get the odd glance is ok but 5 times to me seems a bit much. I don't want to bring it up again incase it's all in my head and it's me with the issue and not him. So does checking someone out involve full on staring or is it justified that I feel the way I do over a few a few glances?

I’m not sure you can police what direction he looks in, to be honest.

if he’s blatantly full on staring then that’s one thing as it’s disrespectful but if my husband was counting the number of times I glanced in the general direction of someone I’d be annoyed and defensive too

That said if it’s not working it’s not working. It’s not meant to be difficult or complicated a year in. Maybe you just don’t feel like he’s as into things as you are and that’s ok. You can decide what to do with that.

Interesting answer. He wouldn't do it 'to you'. So not that he doesn't do it at all then?
If he does it when you're not there, then it's probably habit and he does it automatically when you are. Ime when we say men do this it's very rarely our imagination however much they try to gaslight us otherwise.
I wouldn't care for it either. Not because I'm insecure/jealous, but because I've been on the receiving end of it enough to know that's its uncomfortable to have a random bloke keep looking at you when you're minding your own business. Creepy and rude.

This problem has come up many times on MN, and it's always impossible to tell from the OPs post whether their partner was checking someone out or not, as we weren't there!

I will say that getting angry and defensive is usually an indication of guilt. If my partner accused me of checking someone out when I wasn't, my response would probably be of surprise and confusion, not anger.

It's not really something you can bring up and resolve because the other person always has plausible deniability. So it's not really worth the energy to try to figure out whether he definitely was or wasn't, all that matters is that something's making you uncomfortable. I think you should trust your gut on this one.

I've looked at people repeatedly without fancying them. I've fancied people I couldn't make eye contact with. I've stared full on at people I fancied. It's difficult to say if he was checking her out.
Reasons I stared:

• dressed or behaving weirdly
• looked familiar
• I thought you were staring at me and it became like a competition
• I'm bored
• I'm day dreaming

a relationship shouldn't be causing you this much grief after only 12 months.

Nah I wouldn't put up with this. There are plenty of men out there who aren't sleazy, it's not "inevitable" as many will say.

So he notices other women now and then - it's no big deal. You must be quite insecure about him or your looks, if it bothers you so much. I once had a boyfriend (in my teens) who constantly berated me every time I glanced at anyone at all. It was stifling.

Does he do it to men? If not, then he is checking them out. Bit rude- to them and you.

I think this is one of those things that can easily be justified/explained away because it's difficult to prove/quantify but we know when it's happening, just like we know when a man exudes 'sleazy' in other ways. And any form of sleaziness is enough to make me walk away, no point in sticking around because it gives me the ick so completely I lose interest and I don't believe it's something they can change, it's who they are. They might manage to modify their behaviour in front of me but intrinsically they're still creeps and will still behave in a sleazy manner when I'm not around, so no thanks. Up to you of course OP but this one wouldn't make the grade for me.

My ex used to do this then I found out he'd been cheating on me the whole time we were together. I wouldn't stay with a man who did this to me, it's vile & immature

I glance at others too, absent mindedly almost. It's natural. I think I notice bums on people aswell, men and women and I'm not eyeing any up (well ocassionaly I'll notice a good looking man but its gone the minute I've registered it!!!) I seem to find myself thinking those jeans or nice, or the shoes, or even tbey just look nice generally. Are you sure he'd not just idly looking around, not particlarly at anyone? Are you almost.noticing these women and looking at him to see if he's looking in that direction, so you aren't picking up if he glances at a male passer by?

Glancing is not ogling, is it? And how do you know that it was her, that he was glancing at, and not the door behind her, or a picture on the wall, or someone he vaguely thought he recognised who was with her? Maybe he thought he knew her from somewhere, and was trying to rack his brains and remember who she was.

If you'd started a thread saying that your DP had a go at you and accused you of repeatedly eyeing up some random bloke in the pub even though you weren't, everyone would reply saying that he was jealous and controlling and that you need to split up because he'd never trust you.

Sometimes I look at people a number of times because they look interesting. I like their hair, or their outfit, or they way they are behaving catches my eye. Doesn't mean I am "checking them out" or that I fancy them. Even if I did, it still doesn't mean I would cheat on my DH with a random stranger. Really odd to be bothered about this unless he is really blatantly ogling women in a "look at the tits on her" way.

This is how I feel. It gives me the ick and then that's it for me. I've had men be confused and want me back desperately but won't look at their sleazy behaviour. No woman is worth changing their behaviour for and therefore they'll never find love.
I'm gonna copy and paste your post into my notes as you worded it so well!

I don't know. I think that it's fine to see someone in passing, think they look attractive or whatever and look at them or in their direction. If it's not a full-on gawp then surely it's fine to simply look? I do; I'm happily married to a bloke I love but it doesn't stop me having fleeting feelings of attraction.

Sometimes I look at people because of what they're wearing, what they sound like, their hairstyle or even simply because I noticed them and it doesn't always mean that I'm thinking about what they're like in bed.

Surely your boyfriend feels the same?

My sister is in a long-term relationship with her fiance but has started to walk around looking at the ground when she used to hold her head up because she's trying to avoid him getting on at her for daring to glance towards a bloke. I don't think it's a healthy way to live tbh.

Do you trust him? If, in all honesty, you don't, then in reality you don't have much of a relationship regardless of whether the lack of said trust is down to your insecurities or his behaviour.

If you look around in public you'll likely find most men look. Some do an automatic glance and move on others go further and stare or continue to glance for as long as they are in sight.

I may glance at women but there's generally nothing more to it than just noticing a person the same as I would anyone else. You can also appreciate a person's looks without being a sleaze or a cheater, I'd never cheat that's wrong to me. Likewise I wouldn't stare, as it's rude.

Next time in public and you see a woman walk past, look around and see how many men's heads turn. You just have varying levels of it, everyone does it to some degree. You can spot the actual sleazes, they are drawn and maintain or move themselves to stay within view. They stand out a mile.

Staring, gazing, ogling, undressing her with his eyes, looking her up and down - YANBU. It's probably making her uncomfortable, which is creepy behaviour.

Glancing a few times - I think maybe YABU.

Do you ever look at good-looking people yourself, to admire, enjoy, be pleased by?

We can't really tell the extent, here.

Have you been cheated on, lied to, gaslit before? Could it be that in play?

I think it's normal to notice other people and to find them attractive - that doesn't stop just because you're in a relationship.

I don't think glancing at someone else is anything to worry about personally.

Jesus, if you were a man you counting how many times ur partner looks at a man, if think everyone jump on you as controlling, paranoid and abusive.

I'm female, and I couldn't tell you how many times I look at a bloke. I also hug blokes. Sometimes have a conversation or bit of a flirt / laugh. I would never cheat on my partner as I absolutely adore him. And vice versa.

Your relationship is not healthy

If it helps I’ve heard it called ‘stray sexual energy’ for me it sums it up nicely and you know when you’re with a partner if they have stray sexual energy towards someone!!

As a woman it still shocks and disgusts me the sheer amount of men who try and catch my eye, eye me up, and keep checking me out when they’re with a woman. You even have some douche bags try and find a way to chat, of course all under the pretence of ‘just being friendly’ 🤮

Its massive thing I watch out for when I’m dating someone, if they shown any signs of it I’m gone - it shows they have no self awareness of their sexual energy.

Without being there we can't say if he's a sleeze or doing nothing wrong.

We all notice people around us. Sometimes our gaze stops a second longer, or we look at someone twice, for various reasons (they remind us of someone / we like their coat / their hair colour is exactly what you've been looking for / they're drop dead gorgeous).

Any amount of obvious looking / leering / sleezing is always wrong. It makes the recipient uncomfortable and is disrespectful to them as well as to the person you're with. I can't bear those men who openly leer at women. It's vile, intended to let the person know they're looking (either intentionally to make them uncomfortable or on the offchance they might throw themselevs at the middle aged lech who's staring at them).

If my OH noticed a woman was attractive, I wouldn't mind that. I would also notice. Like I notice attractive men sometimes. It's a split second glance that noone else would notice, and you've forgotten yourself immediately afterwards.

If he leered at them, if he didn't care who noticed, if he was always noticing good looking women, if he looked every woman he met up and down, if he didn't care how it made me feel or the other women feel, then I couldn't be with him.

If it was just a glance or 2 I wouldn't mind, I'd respect that he has decided not to look again even if he did find them attractive. It's 4/5 time he will keep on looking and that's what I hate, that his attention is always drawn to someone else. He won't necessarily stare but keep on looking back and as a woman I hate it when men do that, I would be embarrassed if the other woman was to notice

It's really up to you to decide if you feel he's behaving inappropriately.

He's unlikely to stop doing it because it's easy to get away with, he can just deny, deny, deny.

You have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.

I think it's natural and normal for your eye to be drawn to someone you find attractive. Obviously leering and staring is not on, but a few glances is nothing. He's married, not dead.