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Original poster

Is glancing at another woman 4/5 considered checking them out?

65 replies

Ol4529 · 21/08/2023 12:34

We have been together around a year I know that he loves me but I can't help but think sometimes when we are out that he is looking at other women. It's happened on a few occasions and I have pulled him up on it, each time he has got angry and defensive and swore he wouldn't do that to me. I can't help but think it could be in my head. It has happened again and I feel really uncomfortable about it as it makes me feel ugly. It wasn't a full on stare but he looked in her direction about 5 times. I want to believe he is just looking around and noseying at other people and I get the odd glance is ok but 5 times to me seems a bit much. I don't want to bring it up again incase it's all in my head and it's me with the issue and not him. So does checking someone out involve full on staring or is it justified that I feel the way I do over a few a few glances?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ol4529 · 22/08/2023 12:54

I know its normal to be drawn to someone attractive but I think when you're with your partner you should have some sort of self control to not do it in front of them. Whether it's 5 glances or a stare it feels the same to me, he's clearly drawn to someone else and makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't feel like his attention should be drawn to someone else when were on a date together

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 22/08/2023 13:45

Ol4529 · 22/08/2023 12:54

I know its normal to be drawn to someone attractive but I think when you're with your partner you should have some sort of self control to not do it in front of them. Whether it's 5 glances or a stare it feels the same to me, he's clearly drawn to someone else and makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't feel like his attention should be drawn to someone else when were on a date together

It's natural to be curious about other people and our surroundings, and to glance over at people that appeal to you in some way - that could be because they're attractive, or for a multitude of other reasons (you like their outfit, they have a cute puppy, they remind you of your mum).

If you weren't on a date would it bother you as much? Or is it something you'll never be happy with?

Riapia · 22/08/2023 13:53

If he wishes to look at another woman he should ask for your permission first.
You should only agree if you can be certain that he will not be “perving”.
perving is a term peculiar to MN.
HTH.
😉😁😁😁

TheYadaYada · 22/08/2023 13:58

I’m unsure. I check out attractive people, male or female and will sometimes point out a particularly gorgeous woman to my husband!

There’s a big difference between glancing and repeatedly looking though.

You do sound quite insecure in your relationship, OP.

mistymistymorning · 22/08/2023 14:14

Well he's not going to change. He's got to this age and he's doing it on a date, that's his usual behaviour. I don't think 'calling it out' to him will make a difference as he'll gaslight you into believing you're imagining it and he'll also be more furtive in how he does it.

Your choices, based on his response are 'put up and shut up' OR get rid of him. I would chose the latter.

Starryeyes842 · 22/08/2023 15:31

Some men are like this. They are visual creatures but sadly some of them don't know how to control it when with their partners. Their intentions are ofcourse everything. If he's not flirtatious online, weird with his phone etc then as hard as it is you would be better of not reacting emotionally. It's common. I think it's just in their nature.

Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2023 16:03

So what?

You are allowed to check out other people whilst in a relationship.

You are also allowed to fantasise about celebrities. Heck, even to play flirt with other people if that's just your nature.

Maybe she was cute.
Big deal.
He's with you

Disturbia81 · 22/08/2023 17:54

Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2023 16:03

So what?

You are allowed to check out other people whilst in a relationship.

You are also allowed to fantasise about celebrities. Heck, even to play flirt with other people if that's just your nature.

Maybe she was cute.
Big deal.
He's with you

Don't listen to this bullshit OP, keep your standards

Disturbia81 · 22/08/2023 17:55

TheYadaYada · 22/08/2023 13:58

I’m unsure. I check out attractive people, male or female and will sometimes point out a particularly gorgeous woman to my husband!

There’s a big difference between glancing and repeatedly looking though.

You do sound quite insecure in your relationship, OP.

Do you point out men?

NotNowGertrude · 22/08/2023 17:59

I think the best advice about whether someone's right for you is to pay attention to how you feel when you're around them

If him doing this upsets you in any way then he's not the man for you

It doesn't matter what anyone on this thread says. You are allowed to feel the way you feel & that's unique to you. Don't disrespect yourself

Original poster
Ol4529 · 22/08/2023 19:00

I understand that not everyone has the same opinion and other people are less insecure than others. I personally wouldn't look at a guy 5 times just because I found him attractive, whether I'm with my partner or not, out of respect for both people involved. For the people saying he is with you so why does it matter? It matters because I want to feel my partner is attracted to me and I'm the only person he wants to be with (isn't that what true love is?) Not everyone has the luxury of being able to date whoever they want and I sometimes question whether he is just settling for me

OP posts:
unlikelychump · 22/08/2023 19:28

True love isn't a thing. Except in Disney.

Disturbia81 · 22/08/2023 19:53

Ol4529 · 22/08/2023 19:00

I understand that not everyone has the same opinion and other people are less insecure than others. I personally wouldn't look at a guy 5 times just because I found him attractive, whether I'm with my partner or not, out of respect for both people involved. For the people saying he is with you so why does it matter? It matters because I want to feel my partner is attracted to me and I'm the only person he wants to be with (isn't that what true love is?) Not everyone has the luxury of being able to date whoever they want and I sometimes question whether he is just settling for me

Keep your standards high. Not all men are like this, I've been with men for years who have passed all my sleaze tests and they didn't know they were being tested.
You will always feel insecure with a man like this. Next it will be being okay with him going to strip clubs etc

Takeabreather23 · 22/08/2023 22:30

Its dis respectful we all
know there are many beautiful people in the world why is it a Shock to a man when he sees one . Why can’t he control
himself enough to be respectful and not creepy.

There is a difference between noticing some one pretty or hot and ogling .

one is normal the other is sickly and Un attractive to say the least .
Why can’t he just be so caught up in what he’s doing or who he is with instead of the next female being in forefront of his mind .
More to life .

WandaWonder · 22/08/2023 22:43

If looking becomes creepy that is not on regardless of in a relationship or not but it is perfectly normal to look, there is noticing and there is being obnoxious though

But the jealous thing is a redflag regardless

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 23/08/2023 06:24

For the people saying he is with you so why does it matter? It matters because I want to feel my partner is attracted to me and I'm the only person he wants to be with (isn't that what true love is?)

He can find other people attractive and still only want to be with you.

Nobody stops finding other people attractive just because they agree to be in a monogamous relationship. Biology doesn't work like that.

harerunner · 23/08/2023 07:46

NotNowGertrude · 22/08/2023 17:59

I think the best advice about whether someone's right for you is to pay attention to how you feel when you're around them

If him doing this upsets you in any way then he's not the man for you

It doesn't matter what anyone on this thread says. You are allowed to feel the way you feel & that's unique to you. Don't disrespect yourself

I agree with this. The key thing for me is that he continues to do this even after you've asked him not to a number of times. That's disrespectful and it's that which would be a dealbreaker.

Overdemanding · 23/08/2023 07:58

What does "checking someone out" even mean? Surely we're all allowed to appreciate the beauty around us.

Stop placing so much value on looks, your own or others' and understand the real reasons he's with you. If all you've got is that you're physically attractive to him, why do you want to be with him? How long can that last?

Either way you can't control what people do or think. You have to let them do what they choose to do, show you who they are, and then decide if that's who you want.

yellowsmileyface · 23/08/2023 09:01

This is something that makes you uncomfortable, and I don't think anyone should tolerate anything that makes them uncomfortable in a relationship. Having said that, you do seem very insecure. In your OP you say that it makes you feel ugly. This feels like an odd response to me. If I felt my partner was checking someone out, I might find it disrespectful, I might feel pissed off, but it wouldn't make me feel ugly.

Your self esteem seems to depend too heavily on how your partner feels about you. You also seem to be under the impression that he can only be attracted to one person, and if he's checking a girl out, he's no longer attracted to you because he's now attracted to her. Of course attraction doesn't work that way.

As for wanting to be the only person he wants to be with, the reality is there are always multiple people out there for us. I'm sorry to say there's no such thing as soulmates, true love, the one, etc. Belief in these concepts results in placing too high expectations on a relationship.

People in relationships will sometimes be attracted to other people. They may even sometimes develop little crushes, but they ultimately stay with their partner and don't act on it because they choose their partner. I'm not condoning your partner ogling other women, but also you have to realise that him being attracted to other women doesn't detract from the fact that he's choosing to be with you.

Fruitynutcase · 23/08/2023 09:24

All men look at other women . Get over it .

harerunner · 23/08/2023 09:30

For the people saying he is with you so why does it matter? It matters because I want to feel my partner is attracted to me and I'm the only person he wants to be with (isn't that what true love is?)

I've been with lots of people who I've been attracted to where I've not wanted to be with anyone else. I've felt like that after a couple of weeks sometimes... Most of the time it wasn't "true love", or even anything close!

Shodan · 23/08/2023 09:37

All men look at other women . Get over it.

But not all men are crass enough to do it so obviously and repeatedly that their girlfriend/wife notices.

OP if I were you I'd ditch this one and find someone more respectful of you. You don't have to lower your standards and "Get over it."

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 10:43

Fruitynutcase · 23/08/2023 09:24

All men look at other women . Get over it .

No she doesn't have to.

baileys6904 · 23/08/2023 11:08

Ol4529 · 22/08/2023 19:00

I understand that not everyone has the same opinion and other people are less insecure than others. I personally wouldn't look at a guy 5 times just because I found him attractive, whether I'm with my partner or not, out of respect for both people involved. For the people saying he is with you so why does it matter? It matters because I want to feel my partner is attracted to me and I'm the only person he wants to be with (isn't that what true love is?) Not everyone has the luxury of being able to date whoever they want and I sometimes question whether he is just settling for me

Perhaps you need to focus your energies on yourself rather than him. It sounds like you don't value yourself as a a person or a partner or recognise what attracts him to you. I think you need some counselling help in raising your self esteem

baileys6904 · 23/08/2023 11:13

Disturbia81 · 22/08/2023 17:54

Don't listen to this bullshit OP, keep your standards

Show quote history

What standards are you referring to? Unrealistic or abusive ones where someone is scared of looking at a person of the opposite gender more times than is deemed necessary? Or god forbid they should have a conversation with them.

Wierdly, men and women can have banter, can compliment each other, can have fun, flirty interactions without either's sexual organs meeting or wanting to.

You have someone that has looked at a person of the opposite gender 5 times. If this was a bloke complaining that his Mrs has looked at a bloke that many times, they'd get told to get a life and stop being controlling and abusive, or is that different.

'keeping standards' has nothing to do with controlling behaviour