DH is constantly harking back to the past

[GameBoy]

Don't know if it's a mid-life thing (he has a 'big' birthday soon) or the effect of us now being empty nesters, but DH is constantly going on about things we did in the past and it's beginning to annoy me, as I'm very much a forward-looking person. Also I think his memories of some things are completely rose-tinted!

Facebook reminding him with 'on this day 15 years ago' photos results in him sending me photos on WhatsApp saying 'remember when we took DS1 to Rome, wasn't that lovely?' and me saying 'no, don't you remember, he had D&V for most of the week and we barely left the hotel and had no sleep...'

He also 'finds' things/ memories in the cupboard e.g. a mug from an event 25 years ago that I've hidden and starts saying 'we should do that again' etc.

Awww he’s just having a nostalgia trip. Gently remind him of the reality then mention something coming up in future. Nice that he looks back on your life with such fondness.

Almost every other day he posts pics on our family Whatsapp chat with '10 years ago' or 'this time 3 years ago' or whatever. It's too much!

I’d be asking myself why it’s annoying you to this extent?

My DP does this, constantly showing pictures from Facebook memories and putting them in my face or the DC faces saying aww you were so cute. They don't really want to see them as they're tweens/ teens.

Just reminds me of the passage of time 😭

I think it annoys me because all I remember about a lot of these occasions/ events is that I was the one who facilitated them, and a lot of them weren't as he is remembering them! Many of them are not happy memories for me, but times of immense stress trying to 'do' happy family life.

DS2 has a learning difficulty and didn't cope with change well as a child, so a change of routine always resulted in tears and tantrums which I spent a lot of time heading off and managing. Makes me feel (realise?) that DH was only there for the 'good' bits!

I dunno. Sometimes it doesn't feel like 'fondness' it feels like a passive-aggressive 'look how much we used to do compared with now' kind of thing.

A lot of things on MN are so-called 'first world problems' AKA chat and discussions.
Do feel free to jog on if it's not for you...

I can see this from both viewpoints. if its a bit passive/aggressive then what do you have to look forward to in the next couple of weeks/months? have you both stopped planning things to do if you dont have kids around? its an easy trap to fall in to but there are loads of days out, exhibitions, concerts events out there and its worth just organising something. newly retired we made sure we did something like this at least once a week and it was a struggle at first and now a struggle to fit it all in. Plus, and this is difficult to say but hey ho, many people start to realise the extent of their life and their mortality. they realise that there is more behind them than in front and it can seriously colour their judgement. we dont live for ever, we all know that but sometimes that knowing hits you in the face and its bloody scary. perhaps you need to get to the bottom of it rather than being irritated by it.

Did you tell him you find this annoying?

Some people just are nostalgic, and he may genuinely be the kind of person who focuses on good memories.

He is not wrong for thinking fondly of those time, and you're not wrong either for remembering these times as less pleasant.

You can always tell him that if he fancies another trip nothing stops him from organising it

People age differently.

He remembers cherished memories with fondness.

You sound very bitter and shrewish with a chip on your shoulder.

Why not skip over his comments and not read them if they bother you so much?

You should be be feeling great that your efforts in the past resulted in making lovely memories for your family and that your husband can look back at those times with a happy heart.

I think this is more about you than him. It sounds like you actually feel quite resentful about things in the past.

I think it’s normal as you get older to start to enjoy memories - it sounds a bit pathetic but often that’s all you have as you get older. Let people enjoy them, let people tell their stories again even if you’ve heard them. It’s being kind.

My H does this. Reminiscing about a holiday in france and I had to remind that was the month we escaped for in was in the wake of our son's death. Thst was the worst. But all kinds of trips where I was coping with sick kids etc and I think fuck we must've been on separate planes or something.
I get what you're talking about

I feel like I understand where your husband is coming from, because I'm a very sentimental and nostalgic person. I love reminiscing about the past, and I consider it a gift from our memory that it has a habit of filtering out the bad points and leaving us with the good.

Given your update it sounds like the real issue here is you carry some resentment for having bore the bulk of responsibility in facilitating these experiences. I think all you can really do with that feeling is talk to him about it or let it go.

Essentially both of your memories are equally valid. I can see why it would annoy you but he has a right to look back at these things fondly. I think when you respond with your own version of events, you should ask yourself why you're doing it. Is it just to spoil his memory, or do you want him to acknowledge that he could have done more to help?

It seems harmless enough to me. You’re cross with him about all the other stuff and are getting yourself worked up about this thing that’s relatively trivial. Don’t look at the family WhatsApp so often.

You can't control how another person feels. You can request a change of behaviour if you are offended.

Likely he will just privately think to himself more and you will shut down his sharing.
Gently steer the conversation your way and make plans for making new memories.

Dh is in his 50s. When we're talking about school with the kids, and he's trying to explain why he's right about something, he likes to start with:
"Well, when I was in school..."

Yes, 40 years ago. The kids are actually IN school. I teach in one, currently. Your experience is not relevant. Neither is mine, as a pupil.

Hi @GameBoy I used to get irritated by the same thing if I'm honest. Then my DH died. It changes your perspective a lot.

It does sound like you got the sh1tty end of the wicket in making arrangements, looking after kids and the consequential stress, so maybe balance his posts with a yes thank God we never repeated that, it was an awful experience cos of abc or I learnt a lot then cos I had to deal with xyz.

Start thinking about what you want to do now - where you want to go and what you want to see/experience.

Help him move on

At first I was confused as to why it was such a problem for your husband to think you have had a happy life so far together

but of course it’s because he has had a happy easy life that you have struggled and laboured to create for him.

i think you need to speak to him and explain how you feel. And decide if you can let it go, obviously he can’t change it now. Maybe he can stop going on about it so much, or at least when he does acknowledge the hard work you put in as well. ‘Remember when you booked that trip to rome, you did such an amazing job, the dc loved it,’

Ok, that’s very understandable. Have you said this explicitly to him? Has anything changed in terms of him doing more, or have the children just aged out of that kind of care need?

Now you are empty nesters you need frank chat about the future and acknowledgement from him you did more than your fair share in the past

If he didn't pull his weight then he is hardly likely to start now so I'd reevaluate what you want going forward
Do you want a future with this man ?

Oh, I must have missed the memo that said only issues of great global significance can be discussed . Do share.

If you're not interested, move on, rather than trying to be some self-appointed internet monitor.

Nah. I've been here 23+ years and it's always been like that! 😀