DH is constantly harking back to the past

[GameBoy]

Don't know if it's a mid-life thing (he has a 'big' birthday soon) or the effect of us now being empty nesters, but DH is constantly going on about things we did in the past and it's beginning to annoy me, as I'm very much a forward-looking person. Also I think his memories of some things are completely rose-tinted!

Facebook reminding him with 'on this day 15 years ago' photos results in him sending me photos on WhatsApp saying 'remember when we took DS1 to Rome, wasn't that lovely?' and me saying 'no, don't you remember, he had D&V for most of the week and we barely left the hotel and had no sleep...'

He also 'finds' things/ memories in the cupboard e.g. a mug from an event 25 years ago that I've hidden and starts saying 'we should do that again' etc.

“At first I was confused as to why it was such a problem for your husband to think you have had a happy life so far together

but of course it’s because he has had a happy easy life that you have struggled and laboured to create for him.

i think you need to speak to him and explain how you feel. And decide if you can let it go, obviously he can’t change it now. Maybe he can stop going on about it so much, or at least when he does acknowledge the hard work you put in as well. ‘Remember when you booked that trip to rome, you did such an amazing job, the dc loved it,’”

This.

I agree with PP - it sounds to me like the issue is not the nostalgia, it's the fact that he is seeing all of this with rose tinted glasses while you are perhaps still holding onto the resentment.

A few options - explore this resentment by discussing it with him, journalling, seeing a therapist or whatever you need to do. Or perhaps channel this nostalgia and say something like, "well, I remember that trip a bit differently but why don't we do it again - you organise it this time." and see if he'll step up to the challenge of creating new memories.

@GingerIsBest : Or perhaps channel this nostalgia and say something like, "well, I remember that trip a bit differently but why don't we do it again - you organise it this time." and see if he'll step up to the challenge of creating new memories.

Yes! Actually I think you've hit the nail on the head here. I think I have probably reached the empty nest stage with relief and a desire to relax and no longer have to worry about 'making memories' (😩 I hate that phrase!)
Meanwhile he is suddenly time-rich (semi-retired) and expecting me keep providing a social life!

He did say recently 'we don't seem to have had anyone over for dinner for a while' to which I replied 'well, when did you last invite anyone?'

He did say recently 'we don't seem to have had anyone over for dinner for a while' to which I replied 'well, when did you last invite anyone?'

I hope you ALSO said - and plan the meal, shop for the meal, cook for the meal and prepare the house ahead of the meal!?

I understand where you're coming from, and the amount he's posting that in your chats is excessive to me.

It would fuck me off if I put a lot of effort into something and I felt it wasn't fully appreciated, decided I didn't want to do it so much any more, and then someone had the cheek to passively aggressively go 'Oh wasn't it lovely when we did that.....HINT HINT why don't you that any more eh? You should get cracking'!

You could try facing this head-on but a lot of people who communicate passively just won't be direct and honest about their feelings. They want you to get the message without them having to so say it, because they want to be held accountable for making the request.

In such a s situation I'd be tempted to go 'Yes it was lovely wasn't it....do you fancy planning something similar for the both of us?'

because they don't* want to be held accountable for making the request.

This made me giggle. I can see how you'd find that annoying, and no, his experience in some regards is not relevant at all. Maybe he has difficulty coming to terms with the fact that just because he did something a certain way, that won't be the case for the next 100 years.

Surely its nicer that he remembers past holidays fondly than the alternatives (not remembering at all, remembering them unhappily)... What's the point of going to all the effort of doing holidays, if you're just going to remember the miserable hard work?

If the division of responsibility is wrong at the moment, then address that with him separately.

So, this isn't actually about nostalgia, is it? It's about your lingering, understandable resentment that he didn't pull his weight in the kid years.

In an ideal world you would have tackled this back then, but that ship has sailed, so you need to talk to him about it now. What would actually help? Him admitting that he didn't do what he could have and apologising? Picking up more of the load now? Think about what you actually want here and now.

You sound like you are full of resentment and if you don't do something about it it will kill your marriage. You are already angry at your husband simply for having fond memories of things past because you feel like he shouldn't be allowed those fond memories because of the labour you put in to those times. It is just not a productive and positive way to view your life.

I dunno. Sometimes it doesn't feel like 'fondness' it feels like a passive-aggressive 'look how much we used to do compared with now' kind of thing.

I appreciate it's harder when you have a DC with learning disabilities, but how about doing some new things? (He can plan them lol.) Or have you completely gone off him in general?

I like seeing people's FB photos and occasional memories, but I have one FB friend who will post numerous recycled pics and old pics of stuff, to the extent it really is odd. I know she has some MH problems and the pictures thing comes across as if she has some sort of learning disability like her son, IDK.

I really empathize—it is annoying that he was a tourist in the country where you and your children lived and struggled. But if you love him and want to stay married you have to find a way past this.

He is in free fall now that he has retired—like a lot of people who leave family life to nannies or wives he remembers pleasure and activities as things that were furnished to him and consumed by him on a schedule dictated by him. Now he no longer has work to distract him snd he doesn’t know how to generate a social life. He thinks you will still provide it.

Get busy doing what you want and ask him to cook the weekend meals and host (and clean up) the parties he would like?

Ask him to plan the nect holiday for the two of you?

But do address this fast—and I would say with compassion—because if you are not growing together you will grow apart.

I get this too, but DH is in his 60's so even longer ago! Also, his less -than- a year- long university experience in the 70s. It has no bearing at all on the experiences of our youngest DC ,now at university, and we've all heard the same stories a million times!
He's lovely in many ways but I suspect he thinks that irrelevant input into a discussion is better than none.

Yes my partner is like this, and it's a recent years thing, since he turned 40ish.

I do have sympathy / empathy for it but I think for different reasons than you, it makes me feel a bit inadequate, like now we have been together much longer I am not exciting any more.

His midlife crisis worries me.

Also, like yours, he is always going on about when our DC were small, but I really want another (mid 30s) and he refuses. So I resent that a bit.

Do you want it to work? If so you probably need to try get rid of your resentment. I should take my own advice though..

"...times of immense stress trying to 'do' happy family life."

Well, it seems to me that you succeeded in what you were trying to achieve. The thing is though, when you're look back at the past, you're remembering the struggle and the bad bits, so you are re-living that stress all over again instead of trying to remember the good bits (and there must have been some).

The past is done. Try and be positive about how well you coped when everything was so challenging.

Good point!

He needs to stop wallowing in nostalgia and use his newfound leisure time to plan some exciting things for himself and others.

You arranged the family life for the sake of your DC and now their grown you've had enough, he didn't do the work involved so remembers them differently. Now he's retired he's sentimental and doesn't know how to fill his days without the DC. I'm sure there's a way to tell him he needs to learn to sort his own social life Op without you getting involved

Have you considered not being part of the problem?
It’s okay to have differing views, but there’s no need to bite people’s head off.

Sounds like you resent him a bit.

And no wonder if he's coasted along with you doing the grunt work of managing the children and facilitating his social life.

You sound like the many women who have created most of their family life, with full responsibility landing on the female.

Where you sound different is having a husband that remembers that family life, even though you were the driving force and completely knackered from it.

Most men tend to remember anything but family life, football, work, sports, music of their era, cars, stuff they did by themseves. You're part the way there, explain how you feel about this stuff he actually sounds as though he could be a listener.

Rose tinted glasses...

It could be worse it could be Rose flavoured condoms in his wash bag.

I've brought my two up on my own. 12 year age gap, so it's like it doing it twice. I choose not think about the meltdowns going through security in the airport (me!) and relive opening the door to our new home for the next week or so.

I think this is a serious issue for a lot of older couples.

The men are cruising down into retirement, bored with less to do. They have also lost status and power, because they've had it their whole lives, they really miss it. They are suddenly irrelevant in a way that is hard. Many haven't learned to socialise or be multi-faceted because they've relied on work and family for that.

The women, in the other hand, are liberated. They care less what other people think, they are freed from all the demands of small children and can please themselves. They have more power than before because being free from male gaze harassment is actually quite good. But they also get angry because it turns out those years of sacrifice and hard work aren't rewarded with medals. They are less willing to facilitate grown men because without children there, it isn't the 'family' they are helping, just another adult.

My SIL is feeling this way and it's quite hard to watch. My BIL is oblivious.

I hope you're not still doing everything while he is retired.

This is probably a factor in many grey divorces.

As others have said, maybe stop centering him and start living for yourself. You'll have new memories that don't involve the drudge work and mental load of doing everything.

FB/Instagram might be a bit much but I'd imagine the pics are well recieved on the family WhatsApp.
What happens if you talk about future events eg asking can you imagine walking DD down the aisle? We really need to book that trip to Iceland? Do you think we'll still live in this town when we're 80?
I guess for meit would irritate if it became obsessional. I'm also not a fan of having things 'pointed out' especially when theyre obvious and pretty ordinary eg oh look at you on holiday honey, with your big belly. Benidorn 2000, 6 months pregnant.
Just a thought but could it be irritating because it's dawning on you that you have nothing to talk about. Maybe he feels a bit 'lost' too and this is grounding for him. Maybe try 'converting' a remark about the past to something in the future...omg, yes, we'd just bought the house and were so happy. You were painting the nursery at 3am. I know, let's make the spare room into a lovely guest room for when Child comes to visit. Something fresh and modern. What sort of vibe do you fancy?.....Oh gosh, remember that awful caravan park with the dodgy shower block. Where would be your dream holiday now?
It's important to have future plans.