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Original poster

Are exit affairs "ok"

76 replies

Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 15:47

Just wondering.
StBXH ended our 10 year marriage last year (DC were 1.5 and 4.5)

Found out a few months later that he'd been having an affair with one of his female friends and ex colleague

I've been reading a lot of threads about affairs and the mulitple "reasons" behind them

-Lust
-wanting cake and eating it
-boost of self esteem

And so forth

Then there is the "exit affair" where someone is in an unhappy relationship/marriage and meeting someone gives them the impetus to leave.

I sometimes get the feeling that exit affairs are deemed as "ok", as the person was unhappy.

My ex would claim that his affair was an exit affair to leave a marriage that he was no longer happy in (never sat me down to have that conversation with me, but anyway...)

So, my question is are exit affairs "ok"?

The affair has left me absolutely heartbroken, but I keep thinking, was it ok for him to do it because our marriage had become rocky with young children, bereavements, miscarriages and more?

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 20/08/2023 15:51

Happily married to my exit affair - no sex but realised we liked each other/emotional affair, so I split up with long term ex (no kids or marriage)

Ex was abusive so no regrets. Gave me the power to do what I should have done years before.

Your situation sounds different, sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Sympathies.

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 15:51

No not ok.

I can understand getting to the point that they find themselves flirting with someone else or even meeting them but that should be the wake up call to even address the problems in the marriage (and cut off the person you have almost started an affair with) or leave the marriage to pursue this new thing. If you have got to the point you are having an actual affair then you are doing something wrong and causing a lot of harm.

WunWun · 20/08/2023 15:52

Not okay at all. Really cowardly.

Do you mean on Mumsnet? That's not an impression I've got from here.

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 15:54

I dont believe in "emotional affairs" so if no physical contact has been had and the marriage ended before any physical contact has occurred then i wouldn't consider it a true exit affair.

Caprisunny · 20/08/2023 15:54

No it’s not ok.

I do agree, plenty of people here think exit affairs are ok.

But to be honest, that’s really only ever applied to women. Not to men having exit affairs. Affairs are affairs. Wether you stay or leave, it’s still an affair.

I don’t see the difference myself and don’t think the impact is any different and let’s be honest, lots of people rewrite history once they start having feelings for someone else. The whole ‘well I was unhappy already’ is just a way to justify it.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 15:54

Yes, here on MN
Nobody has blatantly said that exit affairs are ok, but if the other person is unhappy, then meets someone and embarks on an affair that gives them the push they need to leave than I sometimes get the feeling that that seems to be a "more valid" reason to cheat...

I don't know, maybe I'm misinterpreting what people are saying

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 20/08/2023 15:55

No an affair is never ok, of a relationship isn't good or has run its course, leave. Don't line up the next one first. My friend's sister is like this, she had had multiple relationships, not just one long I've, and hasn't been single for a day since she was 14, she's now late thirties. She always lines up the next one before she leaves or they leave her. She lives in a dead end lane and my friend's husband, so her BIL , jokes the cars must cross on the lane

WunWun · 20/08/2023 15:55

Well I posted that and have just seen a thread that backs up what you're saying, so apologies!

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 15:56

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 15:54

I dont believe in "emotional affairs" so if no physical contact has been had and the marriage ended before any physical contact has occurred then i wouldn't consider it a true exit affair.

I will never know when the actual physical side started, he will take that piece of information to his grave

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 15:57

WunWun · 20/08/2023 15:55

Well I posted that and have just seen a thread that backs up what you're saying, so apologies!

The one asking why women chose to have affairs with married men with children...

If so, that's where I just read a post where someone "suggested" (at least my interpretation) that an exit affair is ok/better than the lust/ego boost affair

OP posts:
WunWun · 20/08/2023 15:59

Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 15:57

The one asking why women chose to have affairs with married men with children...

If so, that's where I just read a post where someone "suggested" (at least my interpretation) that an exit affair is ok/better than the lust/ego boost affair

Show quote history

No, it wasn't that one! Someone was asking if it's okay to show interest to a married man if he shows it to you and the vote wasn't 100% no

Anotherparkingthread · 20/08/2023 16:02

I think falling in love with somebody can be accidental. Unhappy relationships exist for hundreds of reasons but if you meet somebody else who makes you happy why not leave? I wouldn't stay with a partner I'd got tired of or out grown, but I might not realise it had happened until I met somebody who stirred some feelings. If you stay with somebody you genuinely don't love any more you will only resent them, what's the point in that?
I'm not saying affairs are okay but exit affairs are different, especially if they leave their current partner before actively pursuing the new interest. In an ideal world we would meet one person who was right for us for the rest of our lives but it doesn't always pan out like that. Also I know plenty of men and women who married somebody who was funny, engaging, romantic just for them to slowly turn into an uncaring, passive, complaining, bore. It's not always their fault they have had their head turned if they are with somebody who is really hard to even like let alone love.

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 16:07

Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 15:56

I will never know when the actual physical side started, he will take that piece of information to his grave

Show quote history

I think he was unfair not to tell you this information. Im sorry.

continentallentil · 20/08/2023 16:07

I’ve never heard of an exit affair

Do you mean if the marriage is already all but over but you haven’t formally separated? In which case it’s not ok, but at least isn’t marriage wrecking.

Dealing with the end of a marriage when you weren’t the instigator is really hard and you have to give yourself time to grieve. I would really try not to get too caught up in this.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 16:08

Anotherparkingthread · 20/08/2023 16:02

I think falling in love with somebody can be accidental. Unhappy relationships exist for hundreds of reasons but if you meet somebody else who makes you happy why not leave? I wouldn't stay with a partner I'd got tired of or out grown, but I might not realise it had happened until I met somebody who stirred some feelings. If you stay with somebody you genuinely don't love any more you will only resent them, what's the point in that?
I'm not saying affairs are okay but exit affairs are different, especially if they leave their current partner before actively pursuing the new interest. In an ideal world we would meet one person who was right for us for the rest of our lives but it doesn't always pan out like that. Also I know plenty of men and women who married somebody who was funny, engaging, romantic just for them to slowly turn into an uncaring, passive, complaining, bore. It's not always their fault they have had their head turned if they are with somebody who is really hard to even like let alone love.

I'm old enough to know that marriages don't necessarily last and that people fall in love with other people.
I don't know how you accidentally fall in love with someone else, as surely you'd need to spend time with that person to do so.

It's not about falling in love with someone else, it's about what you do then...

As for the "not their fault they are having their head turned"... I don't know what to say to that
🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 16:10

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 16:07

I think he was unfair not to tell you this information. Im sorry.

Show quote history

Well, he said it only happened after he'd ended it.

Do I believe that? No, I dont

OP posts:
Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 16:10

Anotherparkingthread · 20/08/2023 16:02

I think falling in love with somebody can be accidental. Unhappy relationships exist for hundreds of reasons but if you meet somebody else who makes you happy why not leave? I wouldn't stay with a partner I'd got tired of or out grown, but I might not realise it had happened until I met somebody who stirred some feelings. If you stay with somebody you genuinely don't love any more you will only resent them, what's the point in that?
I'm not saying affairs are okay but exit affairs are different, especially if they leave their current partner before actively pursuing the new interest. In an ideal world we would meet one person who was right for us for the rest of our lives but it doesn't always pan out like that. Also I know plenty of men and women who married somebody who was funny, engaging, romantic just for them to slowly turn into an uncaring, passive, complaining, bore. It's not always their fault they have had their head turned if they are with somebody who is really hard to even like let alone love.

Id they leave their current partner before pursuing the new interest in what way is it an affair though? Isn't an exit affair when someone has an actual affair but decides to leave their partner for the new person they are having an affair with.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 16:11

continentallentil · 20/08/2023 16:07

I’ve never heard of an exit affair

Do you mean if the marriage is already all but over but you haven’t formally separated? In which case it’s not ok, but at least isn’t marriage wrecking.

Dealing with the end of a marriage when you weren’t the instigator is really hard and you have to give yourself time to grieve. I would really try not to get too caught up in this.

I'd never heard of it either.

It guess its perspective, for me it was rocky and needed work, for him it was over.

Either way, his betrayal still hurt a hell of a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 16:13

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 16:10

Id they leave their current partner before pursuing the new interest in what way is it an affair though? Isn't an exit affair when someone has an actual affair but decides to leave their partner for the new person they are having an affair with.

Show quote history

I'd never heard of the term

From reading posts here, it's person is unhappy, starts affair and uses affair to exit current relationship/marriage.

And then it's ok because obviously spouse used to be fun and now is a bore

😂

OP posts:
retinolalcohol · 20/08/2023 16:15

Affairs are always wrong whether in the beginning, middle or end of a relationship.

I do think the discourse around it is interesting though. If a person starts a relationship with someone new whilst still with their partner, very wrong (agreed). If they realize they're unhappy and start a relationship with someone else after - somehow still wrong? 'They left their spouse and kids for a new fling, what an arsehole' type comments.

The heartbroken party is always going to make a monster of the other person because it's easier on the psyche that way. They're not a loss, then. But in reality it's much more nuanced - sometimes people are deeply unhappy and because humans are flawed, they make silly/selfish decisions. I'm not convinced I'd be any less hurt if someone unceremoniously dumped me than if I found out there was a short overlap. Either way I've been dumped

PaintedEgg · 20/08/2023 16:18

exit crush on someone I can totally understand

exit affair is still just an affair - for it to happen, the person who is "existing" needs to knowingly engage in deception and be the asshole in the story. It's no better or worse, just the same level of shit behaviour

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/08/2023 16:18

I think it’s okay to fall for somebody else and to use that as the push needed to end a relationship if you don’t act on your feelings until after ending the original relationship. I suppose I could sort of even understand somebody who cheated on a partner once with the new person and then immediately ended it afterwards. To have an affair in which you are repeatedly acting on your feelings with somebody new before you actually break up is not okay though.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2023 16:21

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/08/2023 16:18

I think it’s okay to fall for somebody else and to use that as the push needed to end a relationship if you don’t act on your feelings until after ending the original relationship. I suppose I could sort of even understand somebody who cheated on a partner once with the new person and then immediately ended it afterwards. To have an affair in which you are repeatedly acting on your feelings with somebody new before you actually break up is not okay though.

Ex says it only started once he ended it. I
I had to find out three months later.

Whether he is lying, I don't know.

He did deceive me though, lied about where he was and all.

To me exit or not, its not cool

OP posts:
Dery · 20/08/2023 16:22

The thing is any affair which leads to the end of a relationship could be spun as an exit affair. I don’t think they’re really okay but many people will not make the move from one relationship without someone to move on to. As to whether people are happy or unhappy, some people are with a wrong person and deeply unhappy and some people are just unrealistic in their expectations of marriage.

PaintedEgg · 20/08/2023 16:30

@Mensuckbigtime a lie is a lie

then again would he have a reason to lie now? I've had a long list of reasons why I left my ex, but the final push was realisation that I've had a crush on someone else. what was the point of carrying on with an unhappy relationship and miss out on life?