Are exit affairs "ok"

[Mensuckbigtime]

Just wondering.
StBXH ended our 10 year marriage last year (DC were 1.5 and 4.5)

Found out a few months later that he'd been having an affair with one of his female friends and ex colleague

I've been reading a lot of threads about affairs and the mulitple "reasons" behind them

-Lust
-wanting cake and eating it
-boost of self esteem

And so forth

Then there is the "exit affair" where someone is in an unhappy relationship/marriage and meeting someone gives them the impetus to leave.

I sometimes get the feeling that exit affairs are deemed as "ok", as the person was unhappy.

My ex would claim that his affair was an exit affair to leave a marriage that he was no longer happy in (never sat me down to have that conversation with me, but anyway...)

So, my question is are exit affairs "ok"?

The affair has left me absolutely heartbroken, but I keep thinking, was it ok for him to do it because our marriage had become rocky with young children, bereavements, miscarriages and more?

Thanks for reading

My suspicion is that exit affairs are rife, and thar the majority of people are serial monogamists.

Just read your OP. But No. At least have the conversation 1st. If my now long-ex had said things arent working for me; I've met someone I have more in common with - I'd like to give that a go etc etc. I would probably have been OK with it. As I actually felt the same. The affair and then the bitter divorce whilst they tried to take everything from me - just no. Our DC - similar-ish age to your oldest - was quite affected by things. Still always wants to be "at home". They are now a young adult and doing OK, but that has been very hard work. Big birthday this month and ex is just splashing the cash.

Affairs are shitty full stop.

If you're unhappy in your relationship, have the balls to leave without involving anyone else or betraying your partner.

Affairs cause trauma and distress. It's so unnecessary and cruel.

Who cares what the mumsnet hive mind thinks? It’s your life and and surely yours is the only opinion that matters - if you think it’s awful then that’s ok, the collective view of other posters is irrelevant. You don’t need to tell yourself your feelings are “wrong” or “everyone else says it’s fine”.

No affair is ok. If you are unhappy in a relationship then the adult thing to do is express it and leave, not indulge in sex and emotional support from someone else before that.

Once both parties are aware the marriage is over then have at it.

There is never an excuse for an exit affair and that includes emotional affairs. In my case I was struggling with two autistic kids - that I had left my career to look after. Exh was ‘working’ every hour he could. I was trying to reconnect, organising date nights and his mind was elsewhere. I think that’s the problem with emotional affairs, that the person having one loses the motivation to fix the marriage while the one left behind is blaming themselves because they can’t seem to make things right. As with all people who have affairs they are always the ‘person least likely to have an affair’ which is why it’s such a shock for the spouse left behind.

My exh admits to some kind of emotional affair - not that he would call it that - but she didn’t want him either. She was just having fun flirting with a married man.

No it’s not OK!

Someone I know (let’s call her Megan) got together with her now DH when he was still married to his ex with two very young kids at home. Megan tries to justify it saying that he was unhappy, his ex wife was a nutter ….. blah blah blah.

My view is it’s quite normal for a relationship to be tough or strained with two very young kids & he should have put his energy into trying to save his marriage. Not shagging about with Megan. He was weak and pathetic. Megan didn’t see this at the time as she was young(ish) and not a mum herself, but I suspect she sees it clear as day now.

(If his marriage was still unhappy once kids a bit older and he’d tried to make it work then fine, leave, but don’t have an affair, the wimps way out.)

Funny thing is Megan is now married to him and now herself has three very young kids. What’s more she rather foolishly gave up her career to be a SAHM and now can’t get back into the workforce.

She’s not admitted it, but I have a funny feeling Megan spends a lot of time looking over her shoulder for his next younger model, because she knows deep down her ‘D’H is a bad egg and history has a way of repeating itself …..

My ex would claim that his affair was an exit affair to leave a marriage that he was no longer happy in
Of course he would. It's infuriating when you know that not only are they spreading this version of events, but they are so committed to it that they believe it themselves.
But other people do take it with a pinch of salt.
I have a friend who had an "exit affair" (she admits she should not have done it, though). I'm still her friend as I don't expect my friends to be perfect saints, but I don't think exit affairs are "fine" and I don't think it's her exh's fault she had one.

When my exh had his affair, for ages I'd imagine conversations with him in my head in which I argued with him, trying to prove it wasn't all my fault.
Now my mantra is "let him be wrong". Let him think that he was a wonderful, misunderstood angel of a husband and I was the devil incarnate. Not my problem if he can't admit any wrong. Not my job to make him a more thoughtful person.

I've never heard it described as ok or better type of cheating except from cheaters trying to redeem their character. Utter tosh of course.
Of course it's not ok.

I haven't read the thread being referred to on here but I've never read anyone on here suggesting an exit affair is OK. Whenever someone posts saying they have feelings for someone else and should they pursue it, it's always no, either sort your relationship out, or leave and sort yourself out before starting a new relationship.

A friend of mine was the AP in an exit relationship. He was in a long term marriage with teenage children and was clearly unhappy in his marriage but was doing the 'decent thing' by staying. My friend came along and he pursued her. They had an affair which lasted around 6 weeks or so before he left his wife for her.

I cautioned against it. I had no doubt he was unhappy but said to her that, after such a long marriage, he'd need time on his own to heal from that relationship before he was easy. She didn't listen. They were together for a couple of years and did a midnight flit, immediately changed his fb profile pic to him an another woman. It transpired he'd been on dating apps and had met someone else.

Exit affairs are often the vehicle used by people to leave a relationship they are unhappy in. They don't necessarily last because an unhappy long term relationship requires a period of healing to recover from so that the person is in a place to begin another relationship.

IMO/E, most people only leave a marriage if an affair is discovered and they are kicked out. They don't really intended to leave. The difference is that in an exit affair, someone is actively looking for a way out.

I don't think it really matters if the relationship was physical or not before they left. The intention to leave was always there.

You are right.

I think what he did is shit. FULL STOP
😘

I think this is a tough one because the person leaving justifies the affair any way they can (cognitive dissonance). The affair eventually makes their existing relationship seem dull in comparison. I think of it like scales slowly tipping. It happened to me, it was shattering but a few years on, I’m good.

Yes, that's probably what happened.

Surprise, the OW wasn't tired, worn out from childcare.

She was fun, ready for sex ans exciting...

I wonder how long this will last now that she is no longer just the OW but also his nanny with a fanny.

Glad to hear you're doing OK.

Can I ask what helped you along the way?

I’ve often wondered this.

in my case an emotional connection/friendship I wouldn’t have wanted my H to know about did give me the strength and impetus to leave and helped me to see I didn’t have to stay. I also knew that there was something wrong if I was feeling I needed to go outside of the marriage for validation, emotional support and to feel ‘seen’.
i was very very careful though to make sure I wasn’t leaving ‘for’ the other person and that it was the right decision regardless.
as it happened nothing much happened with the other person, my feelings towards him changed by the time I was single. But I’ll be grateful for the strength it gave me to do what needed to be done.

No affair is OK but an "exit affair" is pretty cowardly.

It happens when one party wants out of the relationship but hasn't got the cojones to to tell their partner/spouse.
So to stop being seen as the "bad guy", they cheat and then the other party ends the relationship.

You have to feel sorry for the OW/OM to have got themselves involved with such a weak, spineless specimen.

I don’t think they are ‘ok’. However. I had one. I left exdh and we are both with new partners (not the affair man). I feel I did it partly so that exdh wasn’t blaming himself. It was easier for him to direct all the venom towards me (and rightly so) than direct it internally. I tried to be honest once I knew our marriage was over but fucked it up. I cannot apologise to ex enough but I don’t regret the affair. It was more about getting space (it was in another country) and thinking room than it was about sex and the other man.

I don't think it's ok, no. Except possibly in cases of very severe abuse.

Also, I was honest with exdp the moment I developed feelings for someone else and I said the marriage was over. I could have gone back to ex but I knew we were not making each other happy at a very deep level. Superficially we got on brilliantly, and we are still very amicable.

They're not ok but they do often turn into happy relationships so people who are friends with the cheater embrace them - annoyingly for the faithful ex

I don’t think any affairs are ‘okay’ no. I do think that situations are often more complicated than they may appear to an outsider, but no one ought to be cheating. It doesn’t sound like there’s much excuse for your ex to cheat on you, but perhaps he didn’t. Maybe it did start after your relationship ended. Unfortunately he doesn’t owe you anything so maybe you’ll never know.
I guess I cheated on my ex, once upon a time. I was 19 and was living with a guy who was really abusive, controlling and aggressive, questioning my mileage on my car, calling me a slag for wearing make up or matching underwear and he used to physically hurt me too. I grew close to an older man at work, he was 34 and just so different in every way, funny and charming and so kind, and we just.. fell in love really. He was the best part of every day, I used to be so excited to see him and we’d find any excuse to be around each other. So one morning, after my ex had beaten the crap out of me and smashed up our home the night before, I ran to the other guy. It was pretty messy, but I don’t regret it. I was young and so scared and that push of ‘cheating’ albeit only emotionally when it is so unlike me (normally incredibly loyal and honest) gave me the motivation to free myself,

Jesus, give us a break, of course he’s a moron.

He, like u had plenty of time to choose a partner before marriage and before children. He thought you to be the best option out there, unless of course you had held a gun to his head whilst at the altar.

He is a selfish prick that’s immature To the point whereby he’s willing to put jus kids under the bus in order to take it easy. But there’s a catch. The new partner will have demands, kid demands, coupled with his financial obligation to his current kids and having halved his house and pension he earned, he really is the biggest loser. It will come to bite him.

In short, time for choosing was prior to marriage and kids, financially, emotionally, in every way, his immaturity and self centredness will cost him dearly, in every way.

Wishing you strength, but don’t waste your time on this moron, unless there is some financial benefit to you and kids, in which case you may as well make use of it, if he’s offering. But as a romantic partner he’s done.

Just read all yr other posts - you will be fine. It’s way too early with PTSD, that takes about 3 years all up, you’ve only had a short time.

Push for the divorce and make sure you clear up the money pronto before he has any other kids to share the financial obligation with. I agree he had someone lined up. This person is a pure sociopath as no one in their right mind would ask a father of a 1.5 yr old to leave their babies for them. If someone did that for me, I would dump them, as it’s a sign that he’s also a psychopath.

The two psychopaths are together, make sure you get advice and get the kids for most of the time, they need you to be strong, no nonsense and a grown up to protect them in this situation.

Fuck their love, it ain’t love it’s sinister and creepy if you ask me.

Personally I think the ‘minimisation’ of the exit affair on mumsnet is because it’s the affair type more women are involved in to leave what they describe as ‘unhappy marriages’, they then get heaps of women empathy (inevitable leads to comments rightly about how one sided mn is).

IMO ALL cheating is wrong. It steals people’s right to informed sexual consent and their personal agency.

Your husband is just a common or garden nasty cheat. You deserved so much better that a man who puts his need for validation over his family. What an arse!

No not ok.

But I think they happen a lot more than people like to admit. I think a lot of people have one foot already out the door before they take the practical steps to end their marriage.

Sorry for all you have been through.

Gosh!

I wonder if the OW / now current woman feels secure in this relationship.