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Original poster

Why do women have affairs with men with young children

999 replies

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 22:52

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

OP posts:
Bananananananananana · 20/08/2023 08:35

Yep. Stop looking to blame the woman. The cheater has the moral obligation to the kids.

OW shares some of the poor morals and blame.

OP is only asking a question, not saying OW should go to hell so she can ride into the sunset with DH (hypothetically).

Poivresel · 20/08/2023 08:35

Because they can.
There is no outrage.
We have mostly chosen to ignore religion and any teachings concerning morality.
Having an affair is too easy.

IncompleteSenten · 20/08/2023 08:35

In the majority of cases I believe they fall for the bullshit the man spews.

LlynTegid · 20/08/2023 08:36

Whilst men who are married and/or have children are 100% to blame, I wonder if some pick on women who have low self-esteem or are in some way vulnerable? Or where there is a power imbalance (say the boss at work)?

Pal0ma · 20/08/2023 08:37

@Gadgetfreak I think that's a very honest post. The knee jerk shaming of all 'ow' prevents the kind of honesty that in the end gives people the answers. What you said about 'not thinking about how that made him a liar' rings true. I didn't think about how the fact that that man was pursuing me made him a cheat and a liar until I discovered that he had already had an affair (before the one he was trying to have with me) and for some reason, that penetrated the narrative I'd constructed in my head.

Zanatdy · 20/08/2023 08:38

A variety of reasons:

man has told her that marriage is over, just staying together in separate rooms until can sell / children are older

they don’t know they have children

don’t care they have children - some people (men & women) don’t feel that it’s them that’s doing anything wrong, they are single after all, so blame lies with the cheating partner (which is does).

I notice a lot that women try and pin more blame on the woman than their cheating husband. At the end of the day the person who is in a relationship is the one who has done something wrong. Sure it’s morally wrong to sleep with a married man but let’s face it, I’d say the vast majority are spun a line about it all being over blah blah blah

IncompleteSenten · 20/08/2023 08:38

Re blame/fault.
The man is 100% responsible for his actions.
The ow is 100% responsible for hers.
It takes none of the blame away from the cheating man's betrayal of his partner to say that the ow is also a shit.

Angliski · 20/08/2023 08:40

Both people are morally bewildering to me. I had a housemate who had an affair with a guy from work who had a newborn. He was round every weekend instead of holding his wife. Then she got pregnant with him too. He didn’t leave the wife but had another kid with her a year after his first with his wife. I mean… really!!!

Bananananananananana · 20/08/2023 08:41

catscalledbeanz · 20/08/2023 00:59

When I have been the other woman , I have been in a mutual relationship of convenience. Strong sexual attraction and compatibility combined with equally strong disinclination towards relationships. He has a relationship and a life that doesn't need messing with as do I. Ime it's the only real way to get GOOD no strings attached sex. The "players" are always shit at proper sex and just want to dip their dick once and run. The others think they want no strings and get needy af. That said- I've never broken a marriage as my intent is short term good sex. Never love, never complicated. Brief fun respite. What people don't know won't hurt them.

That all said - I've never asked if they have children, nor those potential children's age, I've never asked about the wife or his life. They aren't inclined to tell. if I had asked those questions it would stray beyond what a good affair is. So I don't know that I've ever slept with a man with young children

I've never asked if they have children, nor those potential children's age, I've never asked about the wife or his life. They aren't inclined to tell.

Don't believe you. I slept with men (who don't fuck and tuck - over months you say) and I don't even know if they have children? This sounds love a fantasy in your head.

Why would none of the men tell you that they have kids?!?! You're so passionate that you tumble into ed and start fucking without even the most basic personal info? Uh-huh

littlebopeepp234 · 20/08/2023 08:41

Thegreenpotter · 20/08/2023 08:32

It’s something many of us have witnessed with friends, family or maybe even our own personal circumstances. I have always wondered how women can willingly get with these men when they do know they have a family. I understand many are lied to and do not.

Then there are the women who do not want a no strings attached relationship, but want the man to leave his wife or partner and kids. Why would they think a man that would willingly do so is a good candidate to be a partner or go on to have children with?

Because the man leads her to believe he will leave.

I have a friend who ended up getting caught up in an affair. The man was married, he told her he he was in love with her and was going to leave the wife for her. He told her the marriage had gone stale, that his wife was nasty and horrible to him and that he was lonely and was only staying for the kids.

My friend didn’t even ask him to leave his wife. When she found out he was married she ended the affair so he begged and pleaded with her to stay, told he loved her and he was going to leave the wife, she believed the bullshit he fed her and continued seeing him. In reality he just wanted his cake and to eat it and he did it any manipulative way he could. She eventually broke it off with him when the wife eventually tracked her down and she realised that the wife was actually hurting and wasn’t this cold, mean evil witch that the husband had lead my friend to believe. Instead he went back and told the wife that my friend was a psycho and kept harassing him!

My friend knows exactly what I think of her for getting involved with a married man and I told her multiple times he’s using her and she needs to end it. It took 2 long years for her to finally realise she was being played by this man. I don’t condone her behaviour but I can definitely see why so many women think the man will leave their relationship and children when that is what the man himself is telling the woman he’s having an affair with.

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 08:41

LlynTegid · 20/08/2023 08:36

Whilst men who are married and/or have children are 100% to blame, I wonder if some pick on women who have low self-esteem or are in some way vulnerable? Or where there is a power imbalance (say the boss at work)?

From what I’ve seen in workplaces, it’s not been a power imbalance with the male boss and younger female colleague. It’s mostly the behaviour of these women with the men in power. Outrageous flirting.

I once had a male friend who had a big promotion and large pay rise comment that he couldn’t work out why that suddenly made him more attractive.

Zodfa · 20/08/2023 08:42

So anything bad a woman does must be because a man made her do it? Some posters here seem to think women are incapable of individual agency!

The concept of shared blame should not be this difficult for adults.

ChoccyBickies · 20/08/2023 08:43

It’s something many of us have witnessed with friends, family or maybe even our own personal circumstances.

So is this about you? @Thegreenpotter

You're trying to find 'logic' and rationality to emotional behaviour.

There is none.

In a perfect world, both parties (men and women) would step back and walk away before the affair happened. But I think your posts show you maybe don't appreciate the sheer force of sexual attraction and how sensible behaviour goes out of the window.

IMO if someone leaves a marriage for someone else, they would probably have left anyway, at some point. No one can 'take someone away' from a marriage if the person didn't want to leave it.

The other question is should a couple stay together until the children are 18, 21, 25? Never leave at all and just be unhappy?

Breakups are very sad for everyone involved however they happen.

I hope if this is about you, you can get some support through counselling or whatever might help.

Pal0ma · 20/08/2023 08:44

LlynTegid · 20/08/2023 08:36

Whilst men who are married and/or have children are 100% to blame, I wonder if some pick on women who have low self-esteem or are in some way vulnerable? Or where there is a power imbalance (say the boss at work)?

Absolutely. I was like this fresh off the boat country girl in a City job. My parents were so emotionally neglectful, I was ripe for love bombing. My parents did this thing where they'd decide what the narrative was. eg, we're so tired of your complaining. Or ''you're crazy''. So I would never complain. I trained myself to never have an emotional reaction to not being considered. Healthy people ran a mile from me obviously, so I ended up very very lonely and confused. So at 23, having had one boyfriend I ended up working in a professional city job, I had the qualifications and the smarts but nobody equipped me to deal with predators. My mother expected me to go from virgin to bride with no support or advice or guidance. I was so lonely and the only people who ever paid me any attention were older men when I longed for a man my own age to pay me some attention and treat me like I wasn't trash.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 20/08/2023 08:45

You seem awfully keen to blame women OP.

Zodfa · 20/08/2023 08:46

It must take a pretty clever kind of man, or a pretty stupid kind of woman, for a girlfriend to not realise that her boyfriend is married with kids. Wouldn't you get suspicious when he never lets you come to his house? And is mysteriously unavailable for large chunks of time? And what about social media?

Gadgetfreak · 20/08/2023 08:47

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 08:32

@Gadgetfreak

What an honest and insightful reply.

Do you ever wonder if he’s cheated on you? That would eat me up

I never used to wonder if he would cheat on me I trusted him 100% in the beginning. He still worked abroad a lot in the first 10 years of our relationship and I honestly thought he loved me so much he would never do to me what he did to his ex. But now….. I don’t know. Who knows? He’s never given me reason to be suspicious but I’m older and wiser, I know he can lie and I know if he’s abroad how easy it is to cheat. But I kind of think that about anyone these days I don’t know what has made me think it more lately but I think anyone has potential to cheat.

BackAgainstWall · 20/08/2023 08:50

YANBU

I’ve witnessed 2 women homing in on married men knowing they have young children.

One of them had no qualms even telling me very confidently without any shame that she set out to get him despite him having a lovely wife and children, but she wanted him and she was going to get him.

I think it’s disgusting behaviour.

Immoral self-centred bitches like this don’t give a shit about the children’s feelings and how it will affect them, they only care about their own selfish gain.

And yes of course these married men shouldn’t have fallen for the younger/prettier (but horrible inside) bait.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2023 08:52

Because they think only of themselves and don't let the misery they are causing stop them from doing what they want to do. Pure selfishness and lack of empathy.

Daffodilwoman · 20/08/2023 08:53

I know 2 women who married their affair partner. One woman was already married and had a child but the child was not her husbands. Her now husband was married but did not have children with his wife, he did however have a child to a previous partner. They are happily married, he is older. She wanted to have a child with him but he never would. He had always had a good job and I think money was a deciding factor for her. The second one, again she wax a lot younger, she was not married but he was married with dcs. Again he had money.

Walkaround · 20/08/2023 08:54

Because people can be selfish. They prioritise themselves. People minimise the harms they are doing all the time to themselves.

WellPlaced · 20/08/2023 08:54

@Gadgetfreak

thanks for replying and yes, I totally understand and agree that the potential is there, especially with opportunity.
I hope you’re happy.

Daffodilwoman · 20/08/2023 08:54

The second couple don’t have dcs together, her choice. Maybe that’s rare I don’t know.

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 20/08/2023 08:55

I don’t understand the posters saying that it 100% is the man’s fault and none is the woman’s.

the man is a cheating, godawful piece of s**t for doing this to his family. That goes without saying.

however, the woman should stay away from married men with children. It is likely to ruin the man’s relationship with his children- which is awful for those innocent children.

I was 23, in a city job and developed a massive (reciprocal) crush on an older man. Then, luckily before anything apart from flirting happened, I found out that he was married with a baby. I avoided him like the plague after that.

hiding5675687 · 20/08/2023 08:56

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 19/08/2023 22:57

It's a good question though. I went to uni with someone who was famous for only taking interest in attached men, especially when she knew their partners. I think it's a psychological issue with some.

I also worked with someone like this. She went into overdrive when a colleague had a child. I don’t think he cheated with her, but the attention and pursuit was crazy jealousy. We are older now and she never had a partner and children.

The question should be why do parents with young children cheat.