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Original poster

About to move in with boyfriend but I have feelings for someone else

62 replies

NameChangeForPrivacyReasons · 18/08/2023 14:47

Regular on this board but NCed because I don't want this post to be associated with my regular posting history. I am in real need of advice.

I am 35 and have been dating a great man who is madly in love with me for 1.5 years. Our relationship is comforting, supportive, serene and loving. He is a great partner to me and wants to build a life with me. We talked about moving in together last March. Then after seeing a few places, I told him I didn't feel ready to take that step and he agreed to put the idea to rest for a while. He is now talking about seeing some places after the Summer to move in together in Autumn. I know he is eager to take our relationship to the next level.

However, I have a mad crush on a colleague I work very closely with. From the day we started working together 2 years ago, I felt like he and I had a one-in-a-lifetime connection, we are so alike and understand each other in ways no one else does. I cannot get him out of my head, I literally think about him 24/7 and fantasize about an imaginary future together. My feelings have intensified in the last 6 months.

He is single and to be honest I think he might also be attracted to me, just based on the vibes that I sometimes got from him. Of course none of us has ever crossed that line because 1) we work together and 2) I am not single. We are very friendly but absolutely professional at work.

So my conundrum is: what do I do? Do I move in with my lovely partner who wants to build a life with me? Or is the fact that I have this other crush an indication of the fact that I am not happy with my partner? I cannot make sense of my feelings, I don't want to be unfair to my boyfriend and I am so confused.

Thank you for your advice Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeForPrivacyReasons · 18/08/2023 15:18

I should add that I would like to have children one day and I feel like this relationship might be my last opportunity to have them. That definitely adds to the pressure Sad

OP posts:
JordanIsANameAndACountryAndABrand · 18/08/2023 16:06

End it with your boyfriend. Don't mess him around and damage him for future women who might actually love him back. Your age is not his problem or an excuse to waste his time and life with a girlfriend who doesn't love him and is already being disloyal.
You're 35 stop fucking around. It's totally on you if you miss the boat with kids because you're not taking having a family seriously.

Porageeater · 18/08/2023 16:08

It’s not fair on your boyfriend you should end it before you waste more of his time and hurt him even worse.

mummymeister · 18/08/2023 16:16

You start off by being honest and behaving like a grown up and not a love sick teenager. if your boyfriend was enough for you then you wouldnt be looking elsewhere. so clearly, no matter what you say, he isnt. If you move in with him you will always be looking over his shoulder to see if there is someone better out there. I bet that if you did try and take things further with the man at work he would run a mile. because at the moment you are a nice safe flirtation distraction which he can do with no worries because you are already taken.

"....I felt like he and I had a one-in-a-lifetime connection, ...." oh come on be honest. you have never been on a date with him, spent any time with him other than at work. this is just pure fantasy - makebelieve.

I think the relationship with your boyfriend has been soured by this and really you should just finish with him and let your supposed soul mate know you are now available. but be prepared that its highly likely he will drop you like a stone and then where will you be?

I feel so sorry for your boyfriend but really you shouldnt be moving in with anyone until you can start acting like a grown up. so unfair on him, he has no idea this is all going on and I guess you fantasize about the other man too. very very disloyal. do the right thing. break it off and concentrate on emotional growth.

Parky04 · 18/08/2023 16:19

Blimey, poor boyfriend. You need to do the right thing and end it, doubt you will though as you sound incredible self absorbed!

VeridicalVagabond · 18/08/2023 16:19

Imagine you were madly in love with a guy and ready to move in with him and really start your life together, start a family, maybe get married. The one you thought was The One.

Then you came across this post that he'd made, about you and your relationship, and their "once in a lifetime connection" with a woman he only actually knows in a professional setting. Do you not think you'd find this utterly and completely devastating?

I think you should leave him so he has a chance to find someone who will love him back and wants the same thing as he does, not someone who will stay with him because she wanted kids and he was the safer option, or who is torn between the relationship they've built together and being swept away by the adult equivalent of a high school crush.

JibbaJab · 18/08/2023 16:26

What exactly is it about the guy at work that makes you feel this way? Does it feel like a normal level of attraction to you or are you obsessed in a way?

Not saying anything wrong, just from past experience sometimes it's too good to be true is all...red flag, perhaps?

However, you should not move in with your boyfriend if you feel it's genuine and also weigh up whether you actually want to be with your boyfriend at all either way.

Tinklyheadtilt · 18/08/2023 16:30

I think you have to end it with the boyfriend and then express your feelings to the work guy. Otherwise it will be something you might regret for the rest of your life.

Don't use having kids as an excuse to stay with someone you don't really want to be with.

blackbeardsballsack · 18/08/2023 16:32

It can't be that good of a connection if you haven't dumped your boyfriend and asked him out, duh

plumtreebroke · 18/08/2023 16:46

The work guy may be just being flirtatious, or just making work life pleasant by chatting to you, he may think you are safe because you have a boyfriend or he may fancy his chances for a bit on the side. Maybe you should have a chat with him ask a bit about his intentions in life, marriage, children, it may really frighten him off. He may be or a player, flitting from one girl to another, if he hasn't had a serious girlfriend in two years. Do you really want to give up the guy who loves you for a possible roll in the hay? Change your job if you can't work around him. It's easy to think someone is 'the one' when you only see the best bits, but really hardly know them.

Littlemisslonley · 18/08/2023 16:51

The grass isn't always greener op don't throw away someone who sounds great based on a hunch that work man feels something for you...just don't risk that and get work man out of your head

And if you can't. Let your dp go because your going to break him

NP101 · 18/08/2023 16:52

If you want a family and loving relationship I would stick with your current boyfriend. What makes a long lasting relationship is often not the same things that attracts us initially.

Justdontnotwithme · 18/08/2023 16:53

Obviously don't move in with your current partner, tell your partner the truth.

Justdontnotwithme · 18/08/2023 16:54

NP101 · 18/08/2023 16:52

If you want a family and loving relationship I would stick with your current boyfriend. What makes a long lasting relationship is often not the same things that attracts us initially.

She has feelings for someone else. Totally unhelpful to sugggest stick to current partner when that is the case

Alcemeg · 18/08/2023 16:57

Your heart's not in it with your current partner. You've just been going along with what he wants. Just because he thinks you're great, you feel obliged to reciprocate.

Don't!

The crush is your subconscious telling you something is missing.

MNetcurtains · 18/08/2023 16:59

Cue MN thread "I dumped my boyfriend for a workplace crush and now workplace crush has run a mile"

mummymeister · 18/08/2023 17:00

@MNetcurtains yep exactly so.

MNetcurtains · 18/08/2023 17:01

MNetcurtains · 18/08/2023 16:59

Cue MN thread "I dumped my boyfriend for a workplace crush and now workplace crush has run a mile"

Also "I have the emotional intelligence of a 13 yr old schoolgirl"

Justdontnotwithme · 18/08/2023 17:04

mummymeister · 18/08/2023 17:00

@MNetcurtains yep exactly so.

Kinda obvious you and @MNetcurtains are the same people but changed username 🤣

NP101 · 18/08/2023 17:06

Justdontnotwithme · 18/08/2023 16:54

She has feelings for someone else. Totally unhelpful to sugggest stick to current partner when that is the case

Show quote history

Feelings come and go. Other aspects of the relationship are more important.

Hiddenvoice · 18/08/2023 17:08

Please end it with your boyfriend, don’t move in with him. There will be other chances to have a baby so that’s not a good reason to stay with him.

Your boyfriend treats you well, loves you and wants a future with you. He sounds like a great guy but it’s not fair to lead him on. Sometimes things like this happen and you can develop feelings for someone else, the best thing to do is think about what you want. The way you have described this other guy is nice so why not give it a chance?

Be honest with your boyfriend and say you’re not ready to move in, you’re not ready to progress the relationship and you don’t feel the same way. It’s the kindest thing to do for him.

The crush thing might not work out but you’re not invested with your partner.

Johnisafckface · 18/08/2023 17:08

Alcemeg · 18/08/2023 16:57

Your heart's not in it with your current partner. You've just been going along with what he wants. Just because he thinks you're great, you feel obliged to reciprocate.

Don't!

The crush is your subconscious telling you something is missing.

I agree.

Neither of these men are right for you. You need to dump your BF, leave the other guy alone and find someone else that gives you everything you want in a relationship.

Pipsquiggle · 18/08/2023 17:13

This is going to sound harsh...... The bloke at work just might not be into you in that way.

IME, at work, if both people are attracted to each other, they act on it (especially if you've known each other for 2 years) - particularly if there are no dependents e.g. spouses and DC. I mean you could outright ask him but that could probably be awkward but at least you would know once and for all. I did this once, he 'liked me but not on that way.' We still remained friends, slightly embarrassing initially but we both valued our friendship.

You sound like you are not thinking straight and you're a bit immature TBH. Fantasizing about something that may not be reciprocated.

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship, just have a hard think before you chuck it away

KomodoDodo · 18/08/2023 17:17

The crush guy feels like he’s everything you ever wanted because youre not in a relationship. No matter how heady the early days of excitement and connection, eventually it ALWAYS comes down to how you both handle life at its crappest. If you have found someone who truly loves you, is loyal and caring and takes an interest in who you are, who you love back, the. You are utterly blessed…but only if you love him back equally.
let your current bf go, he deserves someone who loves him equally, and explore the new relationship by all means…but be prepared that reality of everyday and fantasy and projection (which is whats likely hapoening here) are not the same thing.

mummymeister · 18/08/2023 17:34

Justdontnotwithme · 18/08/2023 17:04

Kinda obvious you and @MNetcurtains are the same people but changed username 🤣

Show quote history

@Justdontnotwithme we arent sorry. have been a MN member for many many years and have never changed my username (principally because I am old, not very computer literate and dont know how to do it!)