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Original poster

Why am I being kept a secret?

56 replies

thesongsoflife · 18/08/2023 12:12

I have been in a relationship with a 62 year old man for 18 months. I am 55. He has been divorced for 12 years and his children are adults (29 and 32). The older one is married and has a child of his own. My partner moved out of the family home and has been living in his mothers house for 13 years. I have no children and have been widowed for 9 years.
My partner and I met through a dating site and we both entered the relationship looking for love and a life long partner.
I am in love with him and he says he is in love with me. We always spend our time together at my house, which I get because of his living arrangements. I still work full time so it is usually only weekends and school holidays (I teach). We have a great life together and enjoy the same things, share the same values, go on great holidays and talk about a long term future together.
The one big elephant in the room is that he has not told his kids about me - they do not even know I exist. He tells them he is going on holiday and they believe he goes on his own. I feel like I am being kept a secret and that he compartmentalises his life. He says he can't tell them because he doesn't want them to reject him or hate him or never speak to him again. I've told him they felt all this when they divorced but they still do speak to him. They don't have a close relationship. By his own omission the older one only calls when he wants something and the younger one never goes out or does anything nut play computer games when he is not working. I have said I don't think this is the reason and I believe it's because he doesn't want to upset his ex (she has never looked for a new relationship since the divorce). We've had a mighty row about it all and he has admitted this is the true reason. I do love him very much and I believe he loves me but I just cannot accept being kept a secret because he feels she will kick off and badmouth him to the sons after all this time. I've told him he's lying to his sons by omission and not telling them he's moved on and got a new life. He says he will tell them eventually. I asked when that might be and he revealed his ex has cancer and life expectancy is not long so it will be soon.
I'm just so confused as I really thought we were in it for the long term and that if he was worried about her reactions why did he actively seek a relationship in the first place? I've told him I find it difficult to believe all the things he's said about me being his soulmate and the love of his life because he is not putting my feelings before hers. What do I do?

OP posts:
CapEBarra · 18/08/2023 12:20

Do you know if he has actually split from his wife? His children were adults when they divorced and presumably they have no financial ties to each other now. If they split 12 years ago why would his ex care if he’s dating someone else. The cancer sounds like an excuse (and I am really sorry if it’s not) to keep you in a box. Why does he care what she thinks or says now?

SirChenjins · 18/08/2023 12:28

Very odd. Could he be lying and they are still together? It's ridiculous that you're being kept a secret like this. Did he have an affair and did she kick him out? If so, does he feel some sort of guilt? Do his children still blame him in some way for the break up of their family, and are holding a grudge? I suppose it depends how long you're willing to play along with his games and allow your feelings to come second to theirs.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2023 12:32

Who gives a shit what the real reason is? He's either a weak, pathetic, ineffectual man baby or he's a cheating liar. Get rid immediately.

Original poster
thesongsoflife · 18/08/2023 13:18

CapeEBarra
There was no affair - they just grew apart, well rather he did because she never wanted to do anything or go anywhere except her sisters. She still doesn't.
The younger one apparently said at the time (when he was 17 and it was till raw) Dad if you found someone else that would be hard to take. Other half still has this in his head I fear. They did blame him at the time because he left the home but we're talking years later now and as proper adults now their views will be different from those at the time but he is refusing to take the risk of upsetting any of them. He says he hates upsetting me but he thinks I'm being unreasonable in not accepting his reasons.

OP posts:
solice84 · 18/08/2023 13:23

He's either hiding something or he's being bloody ridiculous and I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with someone in these circumstances .

Indigo247 · 18/08/2023 13:24

solice84 · 18/08/2023 13:23

He's either hiding something or he's being bloody ridiculous and I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with someone in these circumstances .

This.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2023 13:39

He says he hates upsetting me but he thinks I'm being unreasonable in not accepting his reasons.

He doesn't get to tell you how you feel and what conditions are acceptable to you. He's doing nothing but trying to gaslight you. Stop being a passenger in your own life.

SirChenjins · 18/08/2023 14:03

He can think what he likes, quite frankly - your feelings on this are important, and what's important to you should be important to him too.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 18/08/2023 14:07

So you provide the venue, because he lives with his mother? When he is 62? How old is his mother?I don’t suppose you have ever met her…..

Are you sure he is living with his mum and not his now conveniently (sorry) maybe ex wife?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 18/08/2023 14:10

He’s been living with his mother for thirteen years? So even when his children were adults and he can’t have been paying for them , he still didn’t think ‘ oh , maybe it’s time for me to get a flat so I can have a social/ love life’ .

im afraid I am finding this tale a bit implausible. 🦵 🔔 .

Whataretheodds · 18/08/2023 14:16

solice84 · 18/08/2023 13:23

He's either hiding something or he's being bloody ridiculous and I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with someone in these circumstances .

Same. It's totally unreasonable for him to behave like this and the cancer reason...I don't have a good thing to say about it.

Surely he would want his children to know that he is happy, and he has company. Wht wouldn't they be pleased, reassured or neutral. It's been 12 years.

Did they know he was on a dating site?

Thisisme23 · 18/08/2023 14:21

Personally I couldn't stay in a relationship where I was being kept secret. Regardless of the reason.
He's still living with his Mum after 12 years - that would be red flag for me too.
He is dismissing your feelings for the sake of his children whom he doesn't seem to have a great relationship with.
I think he's being the one who is unreasonable.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 18/08/2023 14:25

My dad this did with me, obviously we knew there was a women but he obviously didn't want us to know. He eventually broke it off with her after a couple of years as she gave him an ultimatum, felt really sorry for her even though I hadn't met her. Sorry he doesn't see you as a long term partner, I would get rid and move on tbh x

JerkintheMerkin · 18/08/2023 14:27

It sounds very much like stashing. Have a read up about it. It's quite sobering. Never let anyone keep you a secret EVER. A person who is prepared to only have a relationship with you behind closed doors is not a good person or fully available emotionally.

Aprilx · 18/08/2023 15:24

It sounds suspicious to me and I would be doubting that he is divorced. I honestly can’t imagine grown up men not accepting their dad having a new relationship 13 years after a divorce. My husband’s father started a new relationship when he was a similar age to this man’s children and he and his brothers could not have been moe delighted that their dad found somebody to spend his twilight years with. That is a normal reaction.

Vermin · 18/08/2023 15:30

I will give you cautionary tale of my mother, who met a man very shortly after he’s been widowed. They had a relationship for years - I forget how many, but he sat at her side during cancer treatment and came to my child’s first birthday. He had dinner at her place most nights.
very sadly he took ill and died very quickly. When my mother turned up at the funeral, nobody knew who she was - not his tennis pals or his bridge partners nor his friends. I think the children had a vague idea as they did invite her for dinner but she was very much the outsider at the funeral of somebody she’d been with for at least 3 years. It was mystifying and also mortifying

Wheresthebloomingsummersunshine · 18/08/2023 15:42

Have you been inside his home ever or are you just accepting he really does live with his mother and not his XW? He has a cushy number if he's living with his DM DW during the week and you at weekends! Does he contribute to any bills in either house? His mum must be mid 80s - is he her carer? Is it her that might object rather than XW?
After 13 years I can't see how his DC could object.
I'd be a bit 🤔 at the news that his XW has cancer. It may be true (apologies if it is) but if he's waiting until she's passed does he not think they'd also be upset at finding out after shes died and finding out that hes been keeping you under wraps for so long like some sort of dirty secret.

He's either a fibber, cocklodger or a doormat!

MNetcurtains · 18/08/2023 15:49

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 18/08/2023 14:10

He’s been living with his mother for thirteen years? So even when his children were adults and he can’t have been paying for them , he still didn’t think ‘ oh , maybe it’s time for me to get a flat so I can have a social/ love life’ .

im afraid I am finding this tale a bit implausible. 🦵 🔔 .

Absolutely this. Living with his mother for 13 years? Wrong on many levels.

BoogLoaf · 18/08/2023 15:49

Do you know where he lives? I'd be doing some detective work. Have you ever been to his house?

Olika · 18/08/2023 16:03

I kind of understand with his son's comment but I wouldn't accept it and continue if he has no plans to tell them. Are you sure he lives at his mum's?

bilbodog · 18/08/2023 16:16

Be careful - i know someone who's husband was having a relationship for over 2 years and he told her he was divorced and not living in the family home - both of which were lies. Came to light when he died suddenly at her house. He was still living at the family home and still married…….

SpamFrittersYouSay · 18/08/2023 16:25

I'd be very wary of him. Something's not right here.

He's giving you , what he believes to be, plausible explanations but you, by dint of the fact that you're here, aren't convinced.

Start digging or back away.

TetrapanaxRex · 18/08/2023 16:31

I think he was right to be cautious for the first year but now after 18 months it should be a reasonable time frame to introduce you or at least let his family know he has a girlfriend.

As he doesn't want to and won't die the foreseeable future I would let him go.

HamishTheCamel · 18/08/2023 16:38

I find the bit about waiting until his ex dies of cancer very distasteful. And does he really think that waiting until she dies and then suddenly coming clean about his relationship will go down well with his sons? They'll know he's been lying to them.

Seaoftroubles · 18/08/2023 16:41

Something isn't right here. Have you met his mother, heard him on the phone to her or been to her house.? I don't believe after all this time his children would care if he had a partner, especially if they are not close. OP, you shouldnt be a secret, at 62 he can do what he likes..if he is really single!