Why am I being kept a secret?

[thesongsoflife]

I have been in a relationship with a 62 year old man for 18 months. I am 55. He has been divorced for 12 years and his children are adults (29 and 32). The older one is married and has a child of his own. My partner moved out of the family home and has been living in his mothers house for 13 years. I have no children and have been widowed for 9 years.
My partner and I met through a dating site and we both entered the relationship looking for love and a life long partner.
I am in love with him and he says he is in love with me. We always spend our time together at my house, which I get because of his living arrangements. I still work full time so it is usually only weekends and school holidays (I teach). We have a great life together and enjoy the same things, share the same values, go on great holidays and talk about a long term future together.
The one big elephant in the room is that he has not told his kids about me - they do not even know I exist. He tells them he is going on holiday and they believe he goes on his own. I feel like I am being kept a secret and that he compartmentalises his life. He says he can't tell them because he doesn't want them to reject him or hate him or never speak to him again. I've told him they felt all this when they divorced but they still do speak to him. They don't have a close relationship. By his own omission the older one only calls when he wants something and the younger one never goes out or does anything nut play computer games when he is not working. I have said I don't think this is the reason and I believe it's because he doesn't want to upset his ex (she has never looked for a new relationship since the divorce). We've had a mighty row about it all and he has admitted this is the true reason. I do love him very much and I believe he loves me but I just cannot accept being kept a secret because he feels she will kick off and badmouth him to the sons after all this time. I've told him he's lying to his sons by omission and not telling them he's moved on and got a new life. He says he will tell them eventually. I asked when that might be and he revealed his ex has cancer and life expectancy is not long so it will be soon.
I'm just so confused as I really thought we were in it for the long term and that if he was worried about her reactions why did he actively seek a relationship in the first place? I've told him I find it difficult to believe all the things he's said about me being his soulmate and the love of his life because he is not putting my feelings before hers. What do I do?

@thesongsoflife Say 'you can try and get back in touch when you can make it official' and end it. Date others after that if someone catches your eye, and try and forget about him.

Or just perma-bin him and block.

Thank you all for your advice and sharing stories about others who have been in similar situations.
I have met his mother and have seen where he lives. He has made calls to his Mum when we have been away and I have heard her on the phone. She is quite an independent, astute lady and she does not cook, wash or clean for him!
I have no doubts about the divorce or his living arrangements (which I too feel are rather bizarre for a man of 62). We do go out a lot to theatres, restaurants, days out, bowling etc but over my way. He lives a 40 min drive away.
You have all helped me realise that unless he makes that decision to tell them I have no choice but to walk away. I do not want to be a secret and I will not have my happiness dictated to me by his weird, 'family' dynamics.
Wish me luck!

@porridgeisbae I like your suggestion of ' Say 'you can try and get back in touch when you can make it official' and end it.'

OP
You’re 55, surely you’re too old for that shit?

Do you really want to date a man who is reliant on the ladies in his life for providing shelter? His ex wife provided a home, then his mum, then maybe you. Where’s his sense of independence? He’s either tight as hell and hoards his money living off his mum or he doesn’t want the hassle of his own home/it’s a woman’s job/ or he has no sense of independence and maturity - no wonder he was single. 62 living with his mum and then he hides his girlfriend from his family - like a teenager. His mum sounds like a better date.

Nope tell him to grow up and call you when he does. it’s easy to be fun and fancy free when you have no responsibility or commitments.

Good luck OP!

hope it all works out for you both.