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Original poster

Why am I being kept a secret?

56 replies

thesongsoflife · 18/08/2023 12:12

I have been in a relationship with a 62 year old man for 18 months. I am 55. He has been divorced for 12 years and his children are adults (29 and 32). The older one is married and has a child of his own. My partner moved out of the family home and has been living in his mothers house for 13 years. I have no children and have been widowed for 9 years.
My partner and I met through a dating site and we both entered the relationship looking for love and a life long partner.
I am in love with him and he says he is in love with me. We always spend our time together at my house, which I get because of his living arrangements. I still work full time so it is usually only weekends and school holidays (I teach). We have a great life together and enjoy the same things, share the same values, go on great holidays and talk about a long term future together.
The one big elephant in the room is that he has not told his kids about me - they do not even know I exist. He tells them he is going on holiday and they believe he goes on his own. I feel like I am being kept a secret and that he compartmentalises his life. He says he can't tell them because he doesn't want them to reject him or hate him or never speak to him again. I've told him they felt all this when they divorced but they still do speak to him. They don't have a close relationship. By his own omission the older one only calls when he wants something and the younger one never goes out or does anything nut play computer games when he is not working. I have said I don't think this is the reason and I believe it's because he doesn't want to upset his ex (she has never looked for a new relationship since the divorce). We've had a mighty row about it all and he has admitted this is the true reason. I do love him very much and I believe he loves me but I just cannot accept being kept a secret because he feels she will kick off and badmouth him to the sons after all this time. I've told him he's lying to his sons by omission and not telling them he's moved on and got a new life. He says he will tell them eventually. I asked when that might be and he revealed his ex has cancer and life expectancy is not long so it will be soon.
I'm just so confused as I really thought we were in it for the long term and that if he was worried about her reactions why did he actively seek a relationship in the first place? I've told him I find it difficult to believe all the things he's said about me being his soulmate and the love of his life because he is not putting my feelings before hers. What do I do?

OP posts:
Ichabodandme · 18/08/2023 17:18

I’m pretty you’ve posted several times about this situation OP but change slight details and then get it deleted. Always about being kept a secret, the kids not knowing and the ex being diagnosed with cancer.

What is it that you need to keep hearing to extract yourself from this mess of a relationship? Or are you hoping that the ex will see it?

Tigertigertigertiger · 18/08/2023 17:25

What type of cancer?

Shapemyeyebrows · 18/08/2023 17:43

Sounds very strange. I would be questioning whether he is actually single. To be honest I wouldn’t have let it get 18 months down the line still being a complete secret from his family.

Tangerinedreams3 · 18/08/2023 19:39

There have been several threads about this that keep getting deleted when the advice is reiterated that this man is not good news. You have fallen hook line and sinker for his side of the story.
I'd call it a day and go for someone younger and more honest.

LifeExperience · 18/08/2023 19:43

I would be very offended if a man who professed to love me didn't want his adult children to know about me. Why are you putting up with such poor treatment?

greyhairnomore · 19/08/2023 06:17

I wouldn't have this. Why on earth hasn't he got his own house after 13 years ?

amylou8 · 19/08/2023 07:06

Well the likely explanation is he still lives with his ex wife. They may well be separated but still sharing the marital home. Have you met his mum and seen where he lives?

Greenwitchhorse · 19/08/2023 07:19

He is lying to you: not divorced, sees other women...

His children are grown adults and it does not make sense that they would resent him having a new partner.

Have you even met his mother? do you know that this is even real?

People on online dating sites lie all the time about their true situation.

RiverLen · 19/08/2023 07:21

Rather than being introduced as his partner, can dp introduce you ‘softly’ and build up from there? Ie. I’m going for a coffee with Songs, I’m going to the cinema with Songs. Therefore dc see you as a companion and get used to you being around.

Is he happy to be seen out and about with you, all are all the meetings done at your house?

I think the kids are now old enough, and the divorce was long ago enough for them to realise that dad has a life as well. They’re adults now, not teens.

BlueMoe · 19/08/2023 07:30

She doesn’t have cancer. He’s lying.

If she had he would be less likely to ‘reveal’ you because they are upset she is Ill/dying/grieving.

He is obviously chronically immature- he cannot deal with difficult stuff at all. There is no chance that his children will be able to bring any maturity to this either, and will react like 12 year olds.

my honest advice is to walk away- if he died tomorrow you would not be at the funeral.

Bertiesmum3 · 19/08/2023 07:33

When he comes to visit you or stays a couple of nights over the weekend do you never go out?
How far away from his family do you live?

user1492757084 · 19/08/2023 07:39

I think this man is still married and also holds some loyalty to his wife. Does she have a chronic or mental illness?

It is very suspicious when a man expects a relationship but is secretive - it proves he is not free to give of himself.

Then again, I know of two couples where the new wife does not have any relationship with the older adult kids - by choice - the kids don't wish to have interaction so the man just sees his kids alone and not that often.

purpletrees16 · 19/08/2023 07:46

My mum didn’t take her dad’s new woman well… and my mum was 45Ish. But it was tied up in how she blamed her dad for not prioritising getting her mum healthcare in advance of when she had died in her 60s (15 years ago and non-UK.) Nothing to do with the lady; purely the years of resentment. He didn’t keep it secret. In fact moved country with her. Maybe you can point out that it won’t make things worse than they are. He has a strained relationship anyway. Talking to them as adults might help build some bridges.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/08/2023 07:54

He’s lying op. About something. Not sure what but I suspect it’s that he’s not divorced.

Dustybarn · 19/08/2023 08:00

Have you ever been to his mother’s house / do you know where it is? Do you go out together in public? If the answer is no to either of these, then 99% chance he is still married.

ChristmasFluff · 19/08/2023 08:18

PPs have already nailed it in that he is either completely ineffectual or a massive liar.

Remember too that EVERYTHING he has said about his children (their attitudes, the things they have supposedly said) could be lies.

He is also, at the very least, not letting you know the side of him that relates to his family. So you cannot properly judge if he is someone you want to spend your life with.

It's also clear he will never marry you or live with you.

So if you want a life partner - move on from his weird set-up.

SirChenjins · 19/08/2023 08:18

Any update OP?

Epidote · 19/08/2023 08:20

If his mum need some help around or some extra money and also cooks for him and do the house stuff I can understand he living with her after all this years because is a man child

If he is overthinking his children reaction even his ex reaction I can understand why he is keeping you secret. Because is a man child.

Others posters mentioned that something else may be going on. I just think the most pasuble theory, and even if the above is correct, he is somehow acting ridiculously and pathetically because looks like he is a man child of 62.

Good luck with your decision.

billy1966 · 19/08/2023 08:25

OP, it is very hard to understand why you would accept this.

You must be very vulnerable to have tolerated being anyone's secret.

I think only a secretive dishonest person behaves like this.

His telling you how you should feel and that you are being unreasonable is a huge red flag.

This is not normal and you have huge self respect issues to tolerate it.

Protect yourself.

sandyhappypeople · 19/08/2023 08:40

all your feelings are completely valid, don’t let him cast doubt on what you’re asking of him, I know it’s really difficult, and I’ve been there with someone who was ‘separated’, don’t waste any more of your life on someone who is not prepared to commit to you.. he’ll ‘say’ whatever he thinks will work (cancer, upset kids.. which he’s now admitted isn’t true) but ultimately if he really loves you, his actions need to align with his words now.

does his mum know about you? Do you ever see her? If not, what’s his reason for that? You surely must have visited his home at some point? .. if not then that’s a good place to start.

primoseyellow · 19/08/2023 08:44

I would be guessing that he is still married and living with his wife and in her eyes , and his children' very much still together.

Unless you have met his mother and been to her house? Sorry if I have missed that?

StopStartStop · 19/08/2023 08:45

Don't get roped into caring for free whilst his family stand to inherit.

JudyJulie · 19/08/2023 10:45

I had one of these. It took two years and a proposal for me to find him out. I'd never met any of his family or his friends, but he had moved 400 miles away from home for work, which sort of explained that, but when he invited me to a family occasion and then uninvited me, it all turned nasty. When I countered all his reasons why I should still go, he got backed into a corner and had to confess that he had lied to me from the start.

At that point, he was toast.

OP, this is not stacking up, is it? He's either a liar, a coward or both. Protect yourself.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 19/08/2023 10:48

He's still married.

Picklesandcheese444 · 19/08/2023 11:09

Hmm this is odd. I'm sort of separating from someone now who's 15 years older than me. He has been very selective who he tells about me and never wanted to put our relationship on fb. Infact he deleted it. Perhaps he worries they will be upset.but you are all adults. I think relationships are very weird now a days. People never seem fully commited. I think you should ask him and explain it makes you feel abit rubbish.

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