Can anyone just help me...after an affair

[SleeplessInNorfolk]

Hello

I am splitting up with my partner after six years together. I made another post yesterday about difficulty moving in together, but ultimately the real reason for splitting up is that I / me / he never healed from his affair.

I can't get the closure I feel I need from him - he wants to NOT split up and for me to just accept things as they are and I can't/ won't. But I need this closure from somewhere because I feel so alone and maybe like I'm being somehow gaslit.

Me: The affair was three years ago. It traumatised me so much and I've not been the same since. I had to take long term sick leave. I can't really put into words how much it affected me and the pain now seems as bad as it was at day 1. He promised at the time a list of several things he would do that I said I needed for healing. He did more or less none of them. The most vital one being counselling, which we never got. That made the pain far worse and I disconnected from both him and myself.

Him: He seemed unable to handle the whole thing. He got anxiety and depression and various physical malaises. He used illness a lot to prevent me from leaving or to get out of doing what he said he'd do. He hates himself and says he feels trapped by sins of the past that he can't change. He thinks he is being punished forever and he says I don't talk to him, connect to him, want sex anymore. Those things are true. But I wasn't punishing him. I'm in pain and wounded and he wouldn't help me.

I've realised he's never going to go through whatever process I need for healing, and that our relationship has died really. I see it that without willingness from him to go through counselling and so on, that it was inevitable that our relationship would die. He thinks this is a choice on my part that I can magically change.

I've left. I've told him it's over. But I feel incredibly distressed right now. All these years of hoping he'd somehow just deliver on making amends or helping me or us to stop hurting is gone. Somehow this feels worse than the affair. Like I wasn't worth fidelity and I wasn't worth healing either.

I just need help.

Some of the stuff he says that drives me insane or makes me feel like I'm losing the plot:

1. "I can't change the past and you can't keep punishing me"

He can't understand that healing after an affair isn't changing the past, it's changing the present.

1. "You hurt me too! I was traumatised by your anger these past years"

I feel like he's blaming me for ruining our relationship by being angry that HE cheated AND refused to actively repair things.

1. "If we want a happy life together, you can't keep going back to square one"

But we never got PAST square one because he wouldn't help me.

Ultimately his affair shattered me. I don't know how to describe how it felt. It broke my spirit. And it's changed everything. I don’t love me anymore.

And while he made cups of tea and wiped away tears, the tangible things I needed, he would not and could not give.

Psychologically that damaged me more than the affair. I'll have to live always knowing that he pushed me in the water and then just stood there and watched me drown.

I feel deeply like a worthless failure of a human being. That anyone (much less the person who's meant to love me most) would do this to me and then wouldn't move heaven and earth to repair what he'd done.

I feel like living with that forever will make me sad forever.

I need someone to tell me...

Is it okay that I was so angry for so long?
Was it my fault I couldn't just get over it?
Am I weak or wrong because I couldn't move forward?
Will the fact that I became so sad, didn't laugh anymore or want to have sex mean that after I'm gone he will remember me like that instead of how I was before somebody did this to me?

I used to be beautiful. I dont mind saying that because I'm not anymore. I went from Monica Belucci to Waynetta slob.

I uses to laugh all the time. I felt so joyful and so sexy and so proud of me, and now I can barely even look at myself. I spent £6000 on counselling and it didn't help. He wouldn't participate in any of it. So nothing helped.

Will it always hurt this much?
Why wasn't I worthy of these things?

People will read this and ask why I stayed. It occurs to me that I thought the only way this psin could ever stop is if he somehow undid it.

I didn't feel able to walk away saying he was just not good enough or he was a cheater or I could do better or he was lacking. I still don't feel able to think those things.

So I've turned it on myself.

He cheated
He refused to fix it
And now he blames me for the inevitable place we ended up with unresolved affair damage.

Why does this feel like another injustice which I'm entirely powerless over?

Please don't tell me to block him or leave. I've done those things and it won't fix me. I don't know how to fix me.

Did he ever apologise ? Or take any accountability for his actions ?

I know you've said don't say leave but I think that's your only option. Him & his actions have hurt you and made you so miserable that there's no way back.

You've spent £6000 on counselling that he wouldn't participate in - because he thinks he did nothing wrong? and therefore sees no need to change ?

You feel like YOU have to change when you are the injured party.

I really don't understand how you've stayed & not commited violence.

"Is it okay that I was so angry for so long?"

Yes, Affairs are life changing, I'd say that anyone who has discovered that the person they love betrayed them will always remember that moment in their lives, you can recover of course, but it does change you forever.

"Was it my fault I couldn't just get over it?"

No, not one bit, you didn't ask for this, and you have tried. You should be proud of yourself.

"Am I weak or wrong because I couldn't move forward?"

No, you are strong, in lots and lots of ways.

"Will the fact that I became so sad, didn't laugh anymore or want to have sex mean that after I'm gone he will remember me like that instead of how I was before somebody did this to me?"

It doesn't matter what he remembers you by. What matters is you.

The only person who can fix you, is you. Expecting him to be able to fix you was never gonna work. And I say that as the ex-wife of a man who now lives with his affair partner. I was furious, broken and an utter mess. I wanted closure; I wanted honesty; I wanted him to recognise what he had done to me. He didn't not because, with hindsight he didn't want to, but because he couldn't. He just didn't see that what he had done had caused this carnage.

I 100% made it worse for myself, by focussing on what he had done, on repeat, a loop in my head, making up what I didn't know, extrapolating widely from small pieces of information. I was probably more guilty of destroying me than he was - which I only recognise after doing a lot of work on myself. Over years btw not months. I see and hear me in your message. I recognise the thoughts processes. But honestly you need to stop defining yourself as the the victim of his actions, starting owning you and your life. Yes he was an utter fucker for the adultery, no you don't actually have to forgive him but yes to do need to let the anger go; along with any expectation that some how he can do or say things which will change where you are. Again please trust me that there is nothing he can say or do as you won't believe him or trust him or his motives. You have walked away physically you now need to walk away mentally - he is not going to save you.

He apologised endlessly. But it was an empty "sorry" really because it wasn't backed up with action.

I needed him to stick to all the promises he made. I needed him to get help understanding the pain I was in so he could help - rather than get defensive. I needed him to call the counsellor himself and make the appointment.

No, he knows he did wrong and he says he'd do anything to have a time machine and go back. He refused the counselling because he was frightened of it. He was frightened of even thinking about it.

Now he thinks that he had the affair, but I haven't adequately tried to move on. He can't really understand me at all.

"Erm, you had an affair, I'm pissed off, now fuck off."

Is there anything else to say?

You tried, it's not working. Now you cut your losses and move towards hope and happiness.

It's not a failure to accept that something isn't working any more.

You don't have to gave bitterness or recrimination between you any more - you will feel incredibly liberated that you can leave it in the past.

For the sake of your own mental health you need to just finish and move on with your lives. It is well and truly over. You do not make each other happy anymore. He is not going to do what you want him to do, and I don’t think it would help even if he did. It hurt is too ingrained now. Draw a line under the whole sorry mess, seek therapy for yourself, and learn to be happy again.

I feel deeply like a worthless failure of a human being

There are billions of people on the planet and he is ONE person who has treated you like this. It says everything about his failure as human being, not yours. Don’t allow a single person to define how you feel about yourself.

I don't really know what I'm expecting or wanting. It is very simple:

He cheated
He had ample opportunity but didn't meet the terms I had for recovery from it
I have to leave

I know it's that simple.

So why does it hurt so much? Why does him not doing that hurt more than the affair did?

It feels like a betrayal.

Because you want it to work.

Because you want it to be like it was before he cheated.

Because you want to be heard?

Seriously, go live somewhere else and at some point in the future, you'll look back and think twat, why did I waste my time and money.

It hurts because if he treated the affair as a mistake that he did everything to repair from then it means the affair was a blip. It hurts because you wanted him to care about you and the relationship enough to try to save it. It hurts because you accepting that something you've put time and energy into is over is hard. It hurts because you wanted to feel vindicated in your decision to stay and work on things.

In therapy when I was struggling to come to terms with how long I'd let a situation continue and how much time I'd lost I was offered the phrase "here, but no further". It might be useful to you now.

I think what's always made it confusing is his obvious desperation. He swore he'd move heaven and earth and then he didn't. He cries and falls apart completely if I leave. He's in obvious complete distress.

Sometimes I feel like he needed the counselling more than I did. I look at him now and he's a broken man to be honest. I find it hard to be angry because I see that.

I'm sad for us both. We loved one another so much. I know that's true. I'm sad for what we have both lost, for the life we might have had.

He's just written me an email about how sad he is and it's obvious it's true, but he just can't do it.

Something I’ve learned the hard way over the years is that you can’t make someone do, say or behave in the way you want or need. They either do or they don’t.

I’m not trying to minimise any of his actions as his behaviour towards you (having the affair and since then) is absolutely terrible but when all is said and done he’s just a very disappointing human being like many others who made promises and didn’t deliver on them. You can’t allow another person..ANY person, no matter who it is, to have this much power over you and your ability to live your life.

Your healing needs to come from yourself, he will never give you the healing and closure you need. You need to take your time and put your energy into self care, friendships, personal growth and taking back your power to live a happy, fulfilling life on your own. You might want to meet someone else one day and have a new relationship but try not to give someone so much power over your happiness and self worth.

Many people believe in depending on their partner 100% and trusting without any caution in relationships but I personally find that too risky. I’m loving and trusting but always knowing things could change without warning. I find that gives me a lot of peace and motivates me to always look after myself and be my own best friend. Go into everything in life with open eyes and by all means trust people but knowing that you ultimately need to be in charge of your own happiness and you will always have someone who will do right by you no matter what..YOU.

I mean this gently but doesn’t the crying and falling apart seem insincere if he’s never taken the action to actually resolve things? It might have seemed genuine in the initial weeks after discovery but if he won’t actually do what you’ve asked or work on himself then he’s just doing it to keep you feeling sorry for him and it’s working a treat. That’s why he keeps doing it.

It sounds like he wants to be the victim in this. If someone was really so upset and horrified by what they’ve done they’d be taking action to work on themselves by now.

He's had three years to show how much you mean to him. That he will do whatever it takes to help you, show you, reassure you.

He's done fuck all.

I know you're hurt. But don't be taken in by his 'obvious upset'. If he was that upset why didn't he do those things to heal the relationship?

He can write all the emails he likes. What has he actually DONE to help you?

You've given him amble time to step up. You really have.

Why does it hurt? Because you're invested. You've tried. You have put yourself on the line.

He hasn't. You need to remember that. He isn't in 'obvious distress' about you and the relationship. Or else he would have something, anything, to save it.

I think true change is HARD. Your husband is stuck in the regret, guilt, shame spiral. He’s not remorseful, it’s never been about healing you and helping you feel safe but all about how he has fallen from grace and far from his moral compass, it’s a pity party, it’s an extension of the selfishness and entitlement that led him to the affair and is an unsafe place for you. You’re rightly recognising that and don’t want to stay in constant fight, flight or freeze.

I think many cheats get stuck here and just want it to go away, they honestly think time will just take the act of the affair away, it doesn’t. The betrayed partner wants remorse, action, healing and safety. This no man’s land leads to false reconciliation, greater risk of further affairs and unhealed wounds.

FWIW I think you’re focusing too much on him being the fix for you, when he was clearly unable to do that. I remember someone wise telling me as I launched into the murky waters of reconciliation ‘we heal ourselves, then we heal the marriage’. It sounds as though he’d always been your hero and you wanted him to save you from this. I get that, I wanted my husband to heal me but the truth was I had to be MY own hero. I had to take action for me. I had to work on my healing.

I know you’ve given up your marriage and FWIW I don’t blame you but if you’re not on surviving infidelity I’d advise you to get on there now and read. I think you’ll find posters who can help you there.

Leave. Been there, done that, got the T shirt.

Here's how I would answer these (I heard the same thing myself btw and yes it's gaslighting to some degree).

1. "I can't change the past and you can't keep punishing me"

No, you can't change the past, but you haven't really focused on what you CAN do very much to be quite honest. I'm leaving, and that isn't punishment because it's not about you, it's about what I want. Kinda like your affair was really for you huh??

1. "You hurt me too! I was traumatised by your anger these past years" (FYI GASLIGHTING ALERT)

I'm very sorry about that, but unfortunately having an affair isn't a valid response if you want a relationship with me. There were other options for dealing with OUR problems, but you decided to put your dick in someone else. I do not accept your excuse for having an affair. End of.

1. "If we want a happy life together, you can't keep going back to square one" (I HEARD THIS ONE CONSTANTLY AND IT IS GASLIGHTING)

Smashes vase on the floor - please let me know when you've put this back together and the cracks are undetectable. In the meantime I'll be packing until you figure out the parallels. Have fun.

Some further answers to your questions:

Is it okay that I was so angry for so long?

Yes, it was 100% ok that you were angry for so long. He destroyed the trust in the relationship. Think of the trust likes the supporting beams of a relationship. He's just destroyed them all, and that's destroyed the relationship and made you question yourself. YES. IT IS OK.

Was it my fault I couldn't just get over it?

No, because you had an internal struggle (same as I did) where you wanted to be with him, but your moral compass and your mind couldn't handle what he did. As a result this creates MAJOR internal strife which is also why you're angry because your actions and morals are at odds with one another.

Am I weak or wrong because I couldn't move forward?

No, you're not weak or wrong because you couldn't move forward. Who says you should have to move forward with him? Who the hell says that's what you should be able to do?? In the end I think that this is a result of gaslighting. The fact he's probably put pressure on you to move forward (you can see this in him saying we'd have a happy life if YOU could stop bringing it up) - he's blaming you. The exact words my ex used on me. I'm sorry but no, this was all him, he chose it and you have done your best to reconcile it with no genuine support from him. Wiping away tears isn't support. Showing that you've changed through actions and empathy is showing you've changed, he hasn't done that because if he had, he wouldn't be saying those things to you.

Will the fact that I became so sad, didn't laugh anymore or want to have sex mean that after I'm gone he will remember me like that instead of how I was before somebody did this to me?

My question to you is why do you care. Why does how he view you matter more than how you now view him? He's a gaslighting prick who cheated, so why do you want to be in his good graces? Those are kind of rhetorical questions because I felt the same way because of how his actions affected me and the first thing I went to was "why am I not good enough". Switch your mindset to what you think of HIM not what he thinks of you. Who actually gives a fig what he thinks anymore, that is how you need to be thinking about this.

Will it always hurt this much?

No it won't, not when you start to get back a bit of a sense of yourself again. Right now you have done what I did and become a shell, can't be bothered with yourself, lost your sparkle, lost your shine and lost your spirit. You'll get it back again and when that starts happening it won't hurt as much. When your mind changes to looking after you instead of "why did he do this to me why wasn't I good enough" you'll feel less hurt and more angry and indifferent.

Why wasn't I worthy of these things?

Ok so this is the question that I think you really need to consider. Please consider my answer:

This is not about you. It was nothing to do with you.

He will make you try and think that it is all your fault, that it's your fault you can't handle things now, that it's your fault that it ever happened in the first place (literally sounds so similar to my ex it's unreal) but ultimately he made a choice which he cannot be responsible for or take accountability for because he's a pathetic little man who has no morals whatsoever and he isn't big enough to take ownership, not really take it, he's putting it on you to do that while he thinks a few well placed words will fix it all.
He isn't a real man, he's a little child. What he did was about him, not about you and because you've lost your sense of self you equate what he did with your own self worth. Time to leave and start building up your sense of self worth the same way i'm doing now (3 months in for me an it's hard but worth it).

I promise when you start thinking about what YOU will accept rather than why you're not good enough, your life will change.

Why does this feel like another injustice which I'm entirely powerless over?

Because basically it is. You can't control what someone else does, but you can control whether you decide to sit at the table it's being served at. Sounds like you've had enough of eating bullshit pie. Good for you.

Yes, I think he does want to be the victim.

After his email I made the mistake of unblocking him on Whatsapp and he sent some pretty horrible messages that indicate he thinks the problem is that I would not give HIM safety and security and stability - he really doesn't compute that it is him who destroyed those things or him that needed to fix them.

He also said in reference to him refusing to properly move in together after promising to, that things changed because I became unstable and risky as an investment - so basically the cheated on me version was no longer a safe bet for a shared life.

He said I had been "brainwashed" by counselling and affair books into feeling entitled to things (?!) He said his life would have been much easier if he had just left and hadn't stayed through all the tears and recriminations but he stayed because he loved me.

Then he said I'd become emotionally febrile, sitting on the couch crying for six months while he supported me and I took no responsibility for myself. I blocked him again after that. Probably one of the only cruel things he has ever said to me.

I know these words are unimaginably cruel. I felt them hit me like a physical blow. It was quite jarring, but I suppose it explains the truth about everything.

I am sure I will get a letter later, explaining he felt self defensive because I was bringing up his failings and he lashed out and was cruel and he is responsible and he didn't mean it.

But I think saying this stuff must come from somewhere.

@sof the sod off...

"He's had three years to show how much you mean to him. That he will do whatever it takes to help you, show you, reassure you.

He's done fuck all.

I know you're hurt. But don't be taken in by his 'obvious upset'. If he was that upset why didn't he do those things to heal the relationship?

He can write all the emails he likes. What has he actually DONE to help you?

You've given him amble time to step up. You really have.

Why does it hurt? Because you're invested. You've tried. You have put yourself on the line.

He hasn't. You need to remember that. He isn't in 'obvious distress' about you and the relationship. Or else he would have something, anything, to save it"

This is verry true, and most accurately describes the pain I am feeling. I know all of that to be true. In my deepest self, I know those things to be true.

So the person who is supposed to love me most in the world, who makes me my morning tea, who hugs me when I have a bad day, who tells me every day that they "love" me - really didn't do anything.

Then blamed me for the resulting broken person I became.

And for me that pain is worse than the affair.

There is a chance , you know, very good chance that he could have met all your requests and done everything you wanted AND NONE OF IT WOULD HAVE MADE ANYTHING BETTER

You don't trust him, the love has changed, and you'll never trust him. It's over.

Your relationship is broken, and there isn't a glue which will fix it

It doesn't matter what he does or says, he isn't the right person for you to be in a relationship with

Leave and start again

I feel deeply like a worthless failure of a human being. That anyone (much less the person who's meant to love me most) would do this to me and then wouldn't move heaven and earth to repair what he'd done

you are a very normal and worthwhile human

your reaction to both the betrayal and his inability to help you heal is normal and human

is say if this can’t be fixed you are way better off single and moving on

sending healing your way

This is someone who thinks the whole world literally revolves around him, that is completely unable to take responsibility for anything, is always always the victim in any situation, is never ever to blame for anything. This is someone completely lacking in empathy, he cannot understand what is wrong with you and why you can't just get over it and move on - because he has no empathy. This is someone completely lacking in remorse, he says sorry to try to make you get over it but you know there is nothing behind it, he shows he is not sorry and has no remorse because he has no interest in doing anything to try to put things right.

He thinks all the problem lies with you - if only you'd just get over it. You should worship and adore him and should be providing him with security and stability no matter what he has done. He is gas lighting you because he genuinely can't believe the problem could be him - he is depressed because he honestly thinks you are the one ruining things.

He literally cannot understand what the problem is because he doesn't not have that capability, you are banging your head against a brick wall in trying to get him to understand because IMO he's ticking all the boxes for narcissism. This is not a good person but you will not be able to make him see that because he is only able to see things from his own perspective. He had the affair because he has no genuine self esteem - but his ego needs constant stoking. He will always be needing supply and you would never be able to provide enough.

It's not true. He's a weak liar. Possibly lying to himself as much as to you.

You will heal better away from him

EXACTLY what I had when this happened to me.

Gaslighting, gaslighting and more gaslighting.

And in the meantime you lose yourself and go to shit inside and yes I was the same as you, a mess, a shell, a pathetic whimpering victim actually who was all "why did this happen to meeeee".

I'm honestly not having a go at you for it, but what I will say is that it doesn't help you, it doesn't help you at all because men like this do not care about this kind of thing, they're not caring or loving, they only think of themselves.

What is going to help you is to say that you feel like shit, you feel shaky and a mess and you're now going to pick yourself up and find yourself again and you're not going to let someone crush you into the dirt with their boot heel because you are better than this.

You can still remember what you were like previously so remember that woman and remember that before this, you were someone else - it helps massively. Don't judge yourself for feeling shit though please don't but do be aware of your mindset so that you can change it.

I numbly went and did all the things I needed to do to get away from this kind of shit, it was like I was on autopilot, I was screaming inside that I didn't want to do it, I loved him, I could be better, I could show him how amazing I was again... but I carried on doing the things I needed to do anyway. Packing my bags, getting removal men in, cutting off my connection with the bills from the house, going to therapy, going to sleep on my own, going to work and forcing myself not to think about him.... blocking him on all social media, whattsapp, blocking his number, sending his emails to a different folder that I'd check once a week.

I read a lot of books about other women who had gone through the same kind of thing which really helped get me through the worst of it and made me realise that it happens to the best of us sometimes.

Go look at Tiger Woods ex wife Elin... if she can get cheated on then what does that say? It says it's not about you, that even the most beautiful women get cheated on and that it wasn't your fault HE made that choice. It really wasn't. Do not allow the gaslighting at all, it will confuse you and make you stay around and put up with more of this. I know how this all feels - please just cut contact and you will start feeling better in a few weeks.