Can anyone just help me...after an affair

[SleeplessInNorfolk]

Hello

I am splitting up with my partner after six years together. I made another post yesterday about difficulty moving in together, but ultimately the real reason for splitting up is that I / me / he never healed from his affair.

I can't get the closure I feel I need from him - he wants to NOT split up and for me to just accept things as they are and I can't/ won't. But I need this closure from somewhere because I feel so alone and maybe like I'm being somehow gaslit.

Me: The affair was three years ago. It traumatised me so much and I've not been the same since. I had to take long term sick leave. I can't really put into words how much it affected me and the pain now seems as bad as it was at day 1. He promised at the time a list of several things he would do that I said I needed for healing. He did more or less none of them. The most vital one being counselling, which we never got. That made the pain far worse and I disconnected from both him and myself.

Him: He seemed unable to handle the whole thing. He got anxiety and depression and various physical malaises. He used illness a lot to prevent me from leaving or to get out of doing what he said he'd do. He hates himself and says he feels trapped by sins of the past that he can't change. He thinks he is being punished forever and he says I don't talk to him, connect to him, want sex anymore. Those things are true. But I wasn't punishing him. I'm in pain and wounded and he wouldn't help me.

I've realised he's never going to go through whatever process I need for healing, and that our relationship has died really. I see it that without willingness from him to go through counselling and so on, that it was inevitable that our relationship would die. He thinks this is a choice on my part that I can magically change.

I've left. I've told him it's over. But I feel incredibly distressed right now. All these years of hoping he'd somehow just deliver on making amends or helping me or us to stop hurting is gone. Somehow this feels worse than the affair. Like I wasn't worth fidelity and I wasn't worth healing either.

I just need help.

Some of the stuff he says that drives me insane or makes me feel like I'm losing the plot:

1. "I can't change the past and you can't keep punishing me"

He can't understand that healing after an affair isn't changing the past, it's changing the present.

1. "You hurt me too! I was traumatised by your anger these past years"

I feel like he's blaming me for ruining our relationship by being angry that HE cheated AND refused to actively repair things.

1. "If we want a happy life together, you can't keep going back to square one"

But we never got PAST square one because he wouldn't help me.

Ultimately his affair shattered me. I don't know how to describe how it felt. It broke my spirit. And it's changed everything. I don’t love me anymore.

And while he made cups of tea and wiped away tears, the tangible things I needed, he would not and could not give.

Psychologically that damaged me more than the affair. I'll have to live always knowing that he pushed me in the water and then just stood there and watched me drown.

I feel deeply like a worthless failure of a human being. That anyone (much less the person who's meant to love me most) would do this to me and then wouldn't move heaven and earth to repair what he'd done.

I feel like living with that forever will make me sad forever.

I need someone to tell me...

Is it okay that I was so angry for so long?
Was it my fault I couldn't just get over it?
Am I weak or wrong because I couldn't move forward?
Will the fact that I became so sad, didn't laugh anymore or want to have sex mean that after I'm gone he will remember me like that instead of how I was before somebody did this to me?

I used to be beautiful. I dont mind saying that because I'm not anymore. I went from Monica Belucci to Waynetta slob.

I uses to laugh all the time. I felt so joyful and so sexy and so proud of me, and now I can barely even look at myself. I spent £6000 on counselling and it didn't help. He wouldn't participate in any of it. So nothing helped.

Will it always hurt this much?
Why wasn't I worthy of these things?

People will read this and ask why I stayed. It occurs to me that I thought the only way this psin could ever stop is if he somehow undid it.

I didn't feel able to walk away saying he was just not good enough or he was a cheater or I could do better or he was lacking. I still don't feel able to think those things.

So I've turned it on myself.

He cheated
He refused to fix it
And now he blames me for the inevitable place we ended up with unresolved affair damage.

Why does this feel like another injustice which I'm entirely powerless over?

Please don't tell me to block him or leave. I've done those things and it won't fix me. I don't know how to fix me.

The second he wouldn’t follow through with his promises you should have left, why didn’t you? He sounds incredibly toxic and you need to put as much distance between you and him as possible.

The thing about closure, it’s never about getting something from the other party. It’s about accepting the situation for what it is and choosing to let yourself move forward. I’m glad you are out but it’s time to stop looking back.

I am sorry for all your pain. But after your last post I am also hopeful and excited for your future

You have said no to him. He is trying to manipulate you. Chest pains? Honestly it's in the book. It's a cliche. He's trying every trick under the sun

But you have said no. And that I think is a big turning point for you.

You sound empathetic and kind. And I'll be honest, abusers tend to seek out people like you because they know you will tolerate such shit behaviour. All they have to do is make themselves the victim and you naturally emphasise.

Baby steps. But I'm seriously impressed with your last post. You've said no and meant it. Please stick with your plan and free yourself. But also recognise how strong you are and how far you've come. I know today is not easy for you.

@sodthesodoff thank you 😢

Is it possible you've become addicted to all the drama and hand wringing? You need to get out of this loop and try to retrain your brain to not keep recycling the trauma. I'm sure you can find out online how to do this.

I haven’t read all the replies but OP I just want to give you a massive cuddle. Your post has made me cry 😢
im so sorry he has done this to you

if I was in your position and he was showing no willingness to help you get through this…. I would be done

work on yourself lovely. Put yourself first

Can I just ask something? Because I feel like I'm going mad. I just need to have clarity because I need closure in my mind.

We had a conversation and it went like this:

Me: I asked for counselling to get over your cheating for 3 years and you wouldn't go. I told you I needed this from the day I found out about the affair and you promised me. I deserved you to do anything you could to help me and us resolve the damage you did.

Him: going to counselling would be extremely difficult for me. If you wanted me to do something so difficult, then you had to stop fighting with me, attacking me, blaming me.

Me: I was angry because you cheated on me and because you refused to help me. I don’t need to earn it.

Him: I fundamentally disagree. You cannot constantly attack me and then say "but why didn't you want to do something really unpleasant so that one day I might stop attacking you"

This is INSANE right?

He thinks couples counselling after HIS affair (which was 10/10 bad on a scale of affairs) is something I need to WORK to DESERVE?

SURELY he would just WANT to help me????

Also, the last time we had any kind of fight was months ago. And it was about him not sorting our housing.

He's lying. I dont "constantly attack him". I was extremely angry and upset for the first year, but nowadays- frankly I just cry alone. And I look after him, cuddle him, smile every day, make his food. I was a lovely partner. He's lying.

Why is he doing that?

Our last, and worst fights were me angry because he promised to get a house together for the past four years and left me essential screwed. I don't think I brought up thr counselling or affair since last year. I gave up bothering because he just gets angry.

Secondly. After someone has an affair - you don't have to behave nicely to deserve counselling do you?

I feel like I can't breathe.

Is he serious?

Is this me?

OP kindly, I think you need to just cut communication with this person and accept you are never going to get the closure that you want from him. You have fundamentally different opinions on the situation you are both in and at this point there’s nothing he can do or say that will give you any peace.

It doesn’t help or heal either of you to continuously have the same fight and it seems like that’s what you are doing.

From his perspective, you chose to stay with him after his affair. Yes he should have done more, but it’s also probably not fair to punish him for the same mistake for the last 3 years. You both need to let go. He has hurt you and that is not forgivable, now he has been reminded of his mistake probably daily for the last 3 years. And during that time you hounded him to get a house with you, so maybe partly for him (just to play devils advocate) it is confusing because one day you are stressing how hurt you are and how upset and how much you both need counselling, and the next you are arguing because you want a house with him? Ultimately, you’re not happy with him, he’s never going to make you happy and you’re never going to get the closure you deserve.

The only person who is truly responsible for your own happiness is yourself, you deserve to find that happiness. Stop looking where you know true happiness does not lie. You deserve better and as soon as you can leave this situation behind you better things will find you, and in another 3 years you will look back and be so proud of how far you have come! X

I'm sorry to say this, but he doesn't love you as much as he thinks he does.
Of course you don't have to work to earn counselling for the emotional damage HE has inflicted up lon you with his selfish actions.
He has messed you around for so long.
He isn't going to change. And you aren't going to heal whilst you are in a relationship with him. The trust is gone. You can't switch off your love but you are grieving for the relationship that should have been had he kept it in his pants. And there's nothing you can do about it, that relationship doesn't exist and it never will again. Stay strong and focus on you. You haven't been able to do this because he always draws your focus back to him. He doesn't deserve you x

https://richardnicastro.com/2023/02/20/recovering-from-betrayal-trauma-anger/
https://richardnicastro.com/2021/10/31/obsessive-thoughts-after-infidelity/

Some of the pieces on this site might be helpful to you @SleeplessInNorfolk I find that they articulate really well the reasons for the obsession and feeling of insanity you experience even a long time after the initial betrayal trauma. I really feel for you. The emotional turmoil is exhausting.

The first thing that struck me in your post was this line

the pain now seems as bad as it was at day 1.

There is no way this should be the case but I guess it is so because you are still engaging with him, you are trying to reason why things happened and about what was said. Your posts show that you still are.

I am sure that none of us thought that we would end up divorced but it is very common and is not reflective of a failure of a life or of a person although we may initially think that is the case. It literally is just life. You could try to analyse him forever and it still won't make sense. Are you going to spend the rest of your life being a victim of this failed relationship?

No one deserves bad things like this happening to them but shit happens and sometimes you just have to store it away like a Cold Case unsolved. Perhaps you feel you never really had your say or had your voice heard? Sometimes the shock of the moment prevents us from doing this and we are so busy trying to resolve what has happened. Regardless it's now time to focus on yourself, your new life and to prioritise yourself. Block him on e mail and WhatsApp etc. Set up one e mail address to communicate re divorce matters. He is not your responsibility anymore.

OP I promise you that very soon after you cut contact with this man, you’re going to recovery incredibly quickly. Your grieving is done, you’ve gone over it and over it until you’re sick of it. Three years of your life is a really good crack at it but it hasn’t worked. That’s ok.

It doesn’t matter what he says now, it doesn’t matter what he thinks you did or didn’t do, because the whole thing is just very obviously over.

Honestly the very best way for you to heal quickly is to block him and start tomorrow afresh.

Pain of his affair on day one = 10/10

Pain now, today, knowing he's had all this time to repair us and couldn't be bothered = 100/10

It's far worse, knowing that after seeing all he did, that I ultimately wasn't worth lifting a finger for.

All the time and energy he found for sticking himself into some other woman is apparently unavailable now.

Yes, there is SO MUCH unresolved. So much I could never talk about, because he always got chest pains or a migraine or some other thing.

And it will always hurt worse than the affair that he didn't generously and lovingly help me after it.

That's worse.

*recover. Not recovery!

@SleeplessInNorfolk sorry you’re going through this. You’ve been really mistreated and the reason it still hurts is because:

1. he hasn’t taken accountability for his actions
2. he hasn’t done anything to make amends and build trust (sorry is as sorry does)
3. he is holding this over you and using it as defence against any other argument

If he were truly remorseful, he would be doing what you need in order to feel safe and trust him. He would be booking solo and joint therapy himself to work on why he did this in the first place and making things right.

He doesn’t want to change, he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his behaviour, he just wants you to sweep it under the carpet because he has no empathy for you.

This isn’t genuine remorse, this is him using pity plays against you for daring to impose any consequences whatsoever for his bad choices.

I would encourage you to read the books “leave a cheater, gain a life” and “cheating in a nutshell” which will help you understand why you feel the way you do.

@SleeplessInNorfolk my grandmother has always told us, when someone shows you who they are believe them, and then decide if the person they are is someone you want in your life. Make your decision and stand by it.

I’ve always always applied that to every person in my life, friends, partners etc.

People make time and effort for the things they WANT to make time and effort for, he doesn’t want to fix things with you. That doesn’t mean you’re not “worth” it, it just means he doesn’t want to. Only you get to decide what you’re worth, you have to choose yourself.

He cheated on you 3 years ago, you have never forgiven him in that time but you have stayed with him and asked him to get a house with you, and yet you’re still no happier with him than you were 3 years ago. You don’t need to talk to him about this over and over again, if after 3 years you don’t forgive him, you have to love yourself enough to walk away.

It still hurts because you're still in touch.

You want answers. And he can't give you them.
You want remorse. And he can't give you that.
You want love. And he can't give you that.

It's a bit like picking at a scab and then it takes forever to heal.

I'm being very simplistic! A lot of posters have put some really useful links and advice. Please listen to them

My only piece of advice is to stop talking to him completely. Cut him off. His presence is causing you pain. You will never heal with him loitering and making everything about him. His pain. His anxiety. His blah blah blah...

Put yourself first. Give yourself the space you need to heal.

He can't give you what you want. He can't give you any answers. You are the only one who can make yourself better.

To be honest @Mrsttcno1 I feel like I'm worth absolutely nothing. But I'd rather be worth absolutely nothing by myself.

@SleeplessInNorfolk Please believe you are not worth nothing. You are worthy of a great love and happiness and you will find that, but you cannot find happiness and love while you are locked in this situation with your ex.

They are not your future, and you need to stop living in your past.

One day you will find somebody who loves you as deeply and purely as you love them and when that happens you will look back at this relationship and wonder how you ever accepted this kind of love.

People accept the love they think they deserve, and you deserve better that this. X

And I'm now basically in one of those romantic comedies without the good bits.

Gorgeous, idyllic cottage absolutely in the middle of nowhere. It's beautiful. My son's here right now from uni but he will go back in two weeks.

I am good at being alone- have been most of my life. Not for want of offers. I just didn't fancy people very easily.

I can't imagine (and this isn't a broken heart talking) ever wanting to get married or share my life with a partner. I just wouldn't want to ever go through anything like what I've been through again.

But I'll be here without family and friends. Not even neighbours. Not even shops. I work from home. So I guess it'll get very lonely.

I can't, right now anyway, be near or even communicate with anyone in real life. I think they always saw me as great and going through all this has made them all pity me. I just can't tolerate it.

I'm not really worried about it per se. But if like to have some sort of semblance of value to me existing on the planet.

I feel right now like there's close to none. I can chuck myself into work. It's not really meaningful work though.

I suppose nobody expects to have to begin all over again with nothing and lots of people have to.

The last time I was in a relationship before this one was about 12 years ago. Together four years. It was great. Really happy. Moved in together. No problems. He doted on me.

One day he just said he didn't love me anymore and literally left THAT DAY. I mean absolutely out of nowhere.

He went weeks with no contact at all, then came to pick up his stuff. It was completely confusing. He was crying and saying he loved me but he just couldn't live with me.

He never explained.

No other woman ever materialised (actually he's still single and was never with anyone else again).

And that was such a CF. It really was.

I got back on the horse eventually and look what happened. I'm never doing it again so I'll have to find some kind of life that's partner free and not too lonely.

@Mrsttcno1 that's kind. But I'm never letting anybody anywhere near me ever again. Twice now I've been blindsided, and the trauma level on me is immense.

I don't want to get counselling and work through it and come out all shiny and new only to have someone else hurt me.

I've loved two men in my life. Both of them shocked the bejeesus out of me and even now after all this time, in both cases, even with hindsight - I had no idea.

I really thought it would he unthinkable my ex would cheat. Unthinkable. I'd have staked my life on it. So obviously I've got no skills I'm this area.

Loving people isn't something I'll ever do again.

Oh. And because I have no one else to talk to.

He messaged and said he'd get a bigger house.

He messaged and said he'd go to counselling.

Actually, he phrased it as "fine, if what I have to do is go and see some fking hippy, I'll do it. How much is it?"

And I told him to stick both up his backside.

Good for you @SleeplessInNorfolk

Take control.

People who aim to change under duress or for someone else will never fully commit to it. They need to want to do it to improve themselves. If he doesn’t want to learn to be a better man for you then it’s all just manipulation to keep you on the hook. By his language he’s not taking it anywhere near seriously enough for it to do any good.

Leave him to it and get on with your life.

We’re all rooting for you.

I'm so sorry, I can feel your pain through the screen, and I really feel for you. You didn't deserve this.

He's weak and rather than admitting to himself that he was wrong and did a bad thing, he turns things back to being your fault, because it's easier than facing reality.
He wants you to feel sorry for him, and so far, it has worked well for him.

If he really wanted to do the things you'd asked of him, he would've done them by now. He can't, because then he'd have to face up to what he has done (and lost).

@HowdoIrespond thank you. For some reason the responses where people have said they can feel my pain are soothing. I think because I feel like nobody does. This enormous, invisible pain that sometimes takes the wind out of me.

Nobody has really ever said "I can feel your pain". It made me feel like I was doubly flawed in some way for feeling as bad as I did.

The pain is sometimes unbearable. It hurts in my fingers. It makes me feel like it's choking me.

I think everyone said similar to many people here. "You just have to move on and get over it". And then I feel flawed because I wasn't able to do that either.

There was so much crazy stuff I never got answers for. I can't forgive and move on unless I understand what I'm forgiving and moving on from.

I understand I'll just have to learn to accept those questions always being unanswered.

Very true. This is good advice, OP. You have to take back the power you’re currently giving him, and save yourself. No one else can. Best of luck xx.