Can anyone just help me...after an affair

[SleeplessInNorfolk]

Hello

I am splitting up with my partner after six years together. I made another post yesterday about difficulty moving in together, but ultimately the real reason for splitting up is that I / me / he never healed from his affair.

I can't get the closure I feel I need from him - he wants to NOT split up and for me to just accept things as they are and I can't/ won't. But I need this closure from somewhere because I feel so alone and maybe like I'm being somehow gaslit.

Me: The affair was three years ago. It traumatised me so much and I've not been the same since. I had to take long term sick leave. I can't really put into words how much it affected me and the pain now seems as bad as it was at day 1. He promised at the time a list of several things he would do that I said I needed for healing. He did more or less none of them. The most vital one being counselling, which we never got. That made the pain far worse and I disconnected from both him and myself.

Him: He seemed unable to handle the whole thing. He got anxiety and depression and various physical malaises. He used illness a lot to prevent me from leaving or to get out of doing what he said he'd do. He hates himself and says he feels trapped by sins of the past that he can't change. He thinks he is being punished forever and he says I don't talk to him, connect to him, want sex anymore. Those things are true. But I wasn't punishing him. I'm in pain and wounded and he wouldn't help me.

I've realised he's never going to go through whatever process I need for healing, and that our relationship has died really. I see it that without willingness from him to go through counselling and so on, that it was inevitable that our relationship would die. He thinks this is a choice on my part that I can magically change.

I've left. I've told him it's over. But I feel incredibly distressed right now. All these years of hoping he'd somehow just deliver on making amends or helping me or us to stop hurting is gone. Somehow this feels worse than the affair. Like I wasn't worth fidelity and I wasn't worth healing either.

I just need help.

Some of the stuff he says that drives me insane or makes me feel like I'm losing the plot:

1. "I can't change the past and you can't keep punishing me"

He can't understand that healing after an affair isn't changing the past, it's changing the present.

1. "You hurt me too! I was traumatised by your anger these past years"

I feel like he's blaming me for ruining our relationship by being angry that HE cheated AND refused to actively repair things.

1. "If we want a happy life together, you can't keep going back to square one"

But we never got PAST square one because he wouldn't help me.

Ultimately his affair shattered me. I don't know how to describe how it felt. It broke my spirit. And it's changed everything. I don’t love me anymore.

And while he made cups of tea and wiped away tears, the tangible things I needed, he would not and could not give.

Psychologically that damaged me more than the affair. I'll have to live always knowing that he pushed me in the water and then just stood there and watched me drown.

I feel deeply like a worthless failure of a human being. That anyone (much less the person who's meant to love me most) would do this to me and then wouldn't move heaven and earth to repair what he'd done.

I feel like living with that forever will make me sad forever.

I need someone to tell me...

Is it okay that I was so angry for so long?
Was it my fault I couldn't just get over it?
Am I weak or wrong because I couldn't move forward?
Will the fact that I became so sad, didn't laugh anymore or want to have sex mean that after I'm gone he will remember me like that instead of how I was before somebody did this to me?

I used to be beautiful. I dont mind saying that because I'm not anymore. I went from Monica Belucci to Waynetta slob.

I uses to laugh all the time. I felt so joyful and so sexy and so proud of me, and now I can barely even look at myself. I spent £6000 on counselling and it didn't help. He wouldn't participate in any of it. So nothing helped.

Will it always hurt this much?
Why wasn't I worthy of these things?

People will read this and ask why I stayed. It occurs to me that I thought the only way this psin could ever stop is if he somehow undid it.

I didn't feel able to walk away saying he was just not good enough or he was a cheater or I could do better or he was lacking. I still don't feel able to think those things.

So I've turned it on myself.

He cheated
He refused to fix it
And now he blames me for the inevitable place we ended up with unresolved affair damage.

Why does this feel like another injustice which I'm entirely powerless over?

Please don't tell me to block him or leave. I've done those things and it won't fix me. I don't know how to fix me.

It sounds as though you've given it your best shot, op. I am so sorry for you but you are right to end the relationship; now it is time to heal and move on, which you will even though it may not seem so at the moment. Just give it time and try to find fulfillment in other ways, eg your work, friends, hobbies or whatever.

I do feel sorry for your ex, he is obviously repentant but just doesn't know how to handle it all. That is not unusual. Hopefully, he will learn, grow up a bit as a result of this trauma and eventually move on too.

The only way is up from now on. I wish you every success and happiness for the future.

Your update makes it even more important that you block him and heal yourself. Once you’re healed you will not want to give thus idiot any of your time!

Honestly Surviving Infidelity and their divorce and separation board will help with ongoing healing support!

I know, but him trying, truly trying would have meant an enormous amount to me. It would have restored a lot of what was taken. It is the counter action to cheating isn't it?

One act is selfish and thoughtless and treats you like you're worthless and the other action is the total opposite.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I’m not sure I agree though that anything he did would have made a big difference, getting over infidelity in a relationship and being able to rebuild back to a healthy positive place is incredibly difficult, and it can only really work when both parties actively work towards it every single day, even then it doesn’t always work out and that’s okay.

It sounds like you wanted him to make all of the effort and do all of the rebuilding (and I can totally understand why you felt that way), but as someone who has witnessed a very similar situation in my parents relationship and also close friends, it really does take both parties to want the relationship to work and consciously try to make it work together every single day, because an affair is truly I believe one of the most difficult things to get over, it takes alot of love, a lot of tears, a lot of understanding and a lot of forgiveness. It doesn’t just take him completing a list of things he said he would do and then everything would have been fine.

You have done the right thing in walking away as you have both “tried” to make it work in some way and it hasn’t, that is okay, and in time you will begin to feel more positive because you will realise that you can build yourself back up! It is difficult for now but it won’t be difficult forever, look after yourself xx

You've had a lot of really useful responses already so I won't repeat it. I am 8 months into reconciling with my husband after his affair.

This is what helped me:

• As pp advised, get on the Surviving Infidelity forum. There are a lot of very wise people who have been through the same experience on there who will give excellent advice.

• Trauma counselling was necessary and transformative. My therapist uses EMDR and the Rewind technique - really powerful.

• Coming to understand that although my husband caused the psychological wounds, it is my responsibility to heal myself.

• My husband takes full responsibility, shows complete remorse, is in therapy to understand what caused him to cheat and always answers questions honestly and without anger. If he were to stop doing any of these things, he knows I could leave the marriage and he would make that process as painless as possible.

Your husband has been given ample chance but has proved himself a poor candidate for reconciliation. None of this is your fault. I really recommend seeking help (reading, therapy, peer support) to work on your own self worth and self acceptance. It's really powerful stuff.

I really feel for you. Good luck and I hope you find your strength.

@letthatmango

I think true change is HARD. Your husband is stuck in the regret, guilt, shame spiral. He’s not remorseful, it’s never been about healing you and helping you feel safe but all about how he has fallen from grace and far from his moral compass, it’s a pity party, it’s an extension of the selfishness and entitlement that led him to the affair and is an unsafe place for you

THANK YOU.

I had no idea how to put into words how I was feeling because ostensibly he does everything for me, is constantly loving, but the meat and bones of what I need to heal or feel right about things was never given. I always felt this was EXACTLY an extension of the selfishness and entitlement of cheating in the first place.

I think many cheats get stuck here and just want it to go away, they honestly think time will just take the act of the affair away, it doesn’t. The betrayed partner wants remorse, action, healing and safety. This no man’s land leads to false reconciliation, greater risk of further affairs and unhealed wounds

Yes. I understand this is completely true and it's why I have ended up where I am.

@roses321 thank you for your brilliant post. I wish I felt as strong and as angry as you instead of turning this all onto myself

It might be the counter act to cheating, or you might have found it didn't help at all

As he didn't try in any meaningful way you have your answer presented to you clearly

Waste no more time on him

Your only fault in all this is wasting WAY too much time and mental chatter on him

As expected he messaged to apologise, to say he didn't mean it, he was just being defensive.

As expected, he messaged to tell me some scary medical thing (this time he is bleeding out of his bum) which is a general tactic to make me panic and come home.

I am remembering about three months ago. I had left before in a rage and maybe packed a case a few times, but this time was different. I had reached some kind of hill where I'd realised what I wanted or needed from him was never coming.

He'd been dicking me around for almost a year in terms of moving in together into a bigger house and I knew deep down it was a kind of avoidance. He was frightened we'd get a bigger house together and then I'd leave. So I understood he was chucking me under a bus to preserve himself. Just like he did when he cheated.

I packed up everything that day. There was no big fight. He just came home and there was a pile of boxes and I was silently sitting on the bed with quiet tears just streaming out of my eyes. He came and stood next to me and held my hand and put it on his chest and I remember he was crying so much.

He just quietly said "But you're my girl. This can't be over. I will fix this". I didn't speak much, I just got in a taxi and went off. I genuinely just went off to the middle of nowhere in Cornwall and just lugged cases around and slept on the beach like a homeless person.

I know that sounds mad, but it hurt so much and I didn't know what to do or where to begin again. He started viewing houses immediately. He phoned my parents and asked my Mum to persuade me to come home. He promised me, promised me, I would come home and he would do / be everything I needed.

I came home and within the same day he was more or less reneging. And I didn't have the strength to fight or leave with nowhere to go. So I went about getting my own house a few hours away. We called it "out house". He told everyone that "we" had a new house in the countryside.

Deep down I think I knew it was always mine, and only mine, because instead of being excited or happy I was terrified and anxious and as soon as I started unpacking I felt grief. Really hard, deep grief.

So maybe I knew months ago that I was leaving. It just wasn't until I had unpacked my boxes and had a safe haven that I could finally say so. Letting go of him is very hard. For whatever he has done, letting go of hope is very hard.

You sound like me. I did crazy shit like that as well. I walked 8 miles home once in high heels.

Sorry but he's manipulative. He knows what buttons to press and you can very well see him pressing them.

He knows you're basically soft for him, and that he just needs to tug those strings and you'll come running. He's a perpetual victim but gets nasty when he wants to and this is exactly what I experienced.

I said no to all of it in the end. My ex was abusive mentally and verbally as well, and it all came to a head but it took me really losing myself and years and years of crying uncontrollably, sitting in laybys crying, going to my family crying, sitting there like I had the life sucked out of me when everyone else was smiling. Just everything in my life became about being good enough for him.

When I really woke up to how manipulative and abusive he actually was, I just fucking left. I of course tried to argue it and beg him to change but he didn't, I wanted so badly to matter to him but I didn't and I had to accept it and choose myself. I still hurt, I still feel like i'm not good enough but I don't spend my life pandering to him anymore.

I ignore his messages now because I realise that as much as it hurts he'll never change, he doesn't give a shit about me I was just a toy to play with. Your partner is manipulating you, how you feel in a relationship matters and you're abusing yourself by trying to withstand it all which is what I did. If it feels shitty, get out.

@Mrsttcno1

I would feel a lot better if it were true that I expected him to do all the healing. I would feel less angry and ashamed now than I do.

Actually I read 20 books
I read forums
I went to more than 100 counselling sessions
I joined online courses and did web meetings with infidelity experts
I talked to him
I wrote to him
I basically begged

He refused to participate in any way. He said it was psycho babble BS and he didn't need it. He saw it as a punishment, rather than an opportunity. He wouldn't go to counselling, he wouldn't do anything.

And yes, I am very ashamed I didn't walk away then.

@SleeplessInNorfolk I’m so sorry he has behaved that way, I truly will never understand why some people are so against even trying therapy whether it be personally or as part of a couple.

The main thing is you have walked away now and chose your own happiness, you should feel proud of yourself for that x

@Mrsttcno1 He went initially for 5 or 6 sessions in the immediate aftermath (just him) and then the therapist got covid and was ill for a few months and by the time she was back he was done with it.

His real reason is that he thinks the whole episode has traumatised him and that if he goes to therapy they will unravel something he can't put together again. He is scared of his self preservation being removed from him.

As for "couples counselling", he said he thought it would just be two people ganging up on him as the villain.

Sorry you’ve been through this, OP. Overall he sounds like a twat. I’m struck that he had an affair after you had only been together for 3 years. That smacks to me of someone who will never be a safe partner for you. And he’s now proved that to you.

The pain will really start to shift now you’re away from him and no longer looking to him for signs that he’s going to do what he should have been doing for the last 3 years. You will know you gave it your best shot but he didn’t have what was needed to mend the relationship.

Well, thank you everybody for all the support and insights.

I think, looking back, it would have been easier if he had just left or something. If you really love somebody and they're telling you they love you and want to fix everything then it becomes very difficult to see that it's never going to happen. Especially if when you leave they cry and beg and so on.

He's emailed me again through the evening and has said he is so sorry, he really loves me, he is so sorry he hurt me so much, that he feels like he tries but always feels like a failure, that he doesn't know what he will do if I am gone and he's panicky and had to leave work at lunch. He was panicking and pacing the flat.

This is why he was difficult to leave for so long.

I am watching it now, and it's funny because I know it isn't an act. I know he genuinely feels all that, but as someone said earlier he just isn't capable for one reason or another to have the courage to go and deal with what's going on inside him. I honestly think what caused him to cheat and what prevents him from helping me now is the same thing.

Maybe me leaving him will be the impetus he needs to change. A few people have said he just wants to carry on like nothing happened, and he does. The thing is though that he is really damaged by it. He's changed, like lost the ability to like himself and so maybe he has to fix himself too.

It's very difficult when you love someone that's not a healthy person for you, and I see that he isn't. I see that I can't continue living life the way I have been. I see that sometimes someone can really love you and not be capable of what you need most.

I know that the fantasies I had for so long of him getting help and just suddenly understanding what he needed to do and having the strength to do it were just fantasies. I don't think he's ever done that in his life. He has unresolved CPTSD from childhood and he never did anything about it. Some people just don't.

It's nice at least being home with my things in a proper home again finally, even if on sad terms. I cried a lot, but am busying myself with plumbing in the washing machine and practical things which make it feel better.

He cheated half way through your relationship, which hadn't been a particularly long one. Why do you want him?

What an incredibly brave, insightful and moving last post that was @SleeplessInNorfolk.

I wish you every success and healing in your new life. And you're right - it might just be the impetus he needs to address his own trauma. Or not. But that's not your problem.

Why aren’t you healing because you have been brow beaten and emotionally abused for years - lied to and blamed - DARVO deny attack reverse victim offender - it’s a classic.

not an affair but I had an abusive father - if I got upset - I was being too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke, or it didn’t happen like that - he didn’t hit me that hard or I made him do it - reverse victim to offender - I made him act like this. Words mean nothing without actions - nothing.

He promised counselling he hasn’t and you shouldn’t get involved with an abuser any way.

You can leave for any reason or no reason.

I would strongly suggest a divorce and absolutely no contact - none go through a third party. To heal you need to be away from him and his narrative.
you need counselling on your own - build a life for you

It's very difficult when you love someone that's not a healthy person for you

amen sister

I’m processing something similar and lessor but same principle

I know I’ll be ok as we have split a few times

and you will be eventually too

Jeeze, he didn't break the law and nobody died. You need to stop recycling your past ( this was three years ago ) and replaying every last detail and nuance over and over again in your head.

It's over: done and finished. You need to accept that and get on with your life.

Cut all contact and block him, he'll be OK. Men generally recover quicker than women anyway.

There are various things you can do to focus on your future, with shed loads of books and online stuff about it. The best advice I can give you is to get down to the gym and start some sort of exercise programme, eat sensibly, and avoid playing repetitive and pointless games of "what if" and "why" in your head. The trick is to keep moving forwards, not constantly looking back over your shoulder.

Life is short enough as it is. Don't waste any more of it.

You gave it 3 years, you still feel like complete shit. It's time to accept that the only chance you will get to truly heal is without his stupid face In front of you daily.
You have made the first step.
Now block him, keep him blocked and don't engage.
He made his choices, now he has to deal with the consequences.
It's your job to concentrate on you and you ONLY!
Heal, live your best life and find someone who deserves you x

What action did you want? I don’t think you can insist another person goes to counselling and I don’t think it would achieve anything if you did manage to force him.

I think that you had to either forgive or end the relationship. I don’t think he could fix it, as he has said he can’t time travel. Anyway you have done it now, which is good and it sounds like it will be the first step in you truly moving forward in life.

I think you have had some fabulous, carefully considered and thoughtful insights on this thread.

I want to suggest something that worked for me, although it might not work for you.

Im divorcing although it’s not from an affair but because of emotional and controlling behaviour.

We shared a sense of humour, but when I imagined saying things to and about him that he said to me, it completely changed the dynamic.

So he would ‘joke’, “have you met my first wife?”, or “I paid a fiver for you” (that was the cost of the registry office fee at the time we got married).

When I imagined myself saying “have you met my first husband?” It felt so patronising and disrespectful and no longer jokey. Obviously there were plenty more than the two I’ve mentioned.

Because our thinking was so different, I didn’t realise that when we argued he would say anything as long as it meant he kept the upper hand. Perhaps if you imagine saying some of things your ex has said to you, you will feel what he was trying to achieve. Which was mostly, ‘I don’t want to feel bad about the bad thing I did, so I want you to forget it ever happened’.

All the advice about forgetting him and start living your own life again is absolutely right. However I understand the getting stuck in the emotional pit of feeling wronged and wanting some righteous justice.

You have been stuck in a loop for the past three years, probably trying to square the circle. Now you have left him, I believe you are in a new loop - justifying why his behaviour was so wrong. I think it will take a while to process this new emotional crisis. It’s just one of those things that take time, like a bereavement.

This is actually the stage I’m now stuck in, so as others have suggested look to your future and stop trying to reconcile the past. You are trying to make 2+2=4, but the answers you keep getting, 5, 26, 456 etc, don’t any make sense, and it never will.

Life is too short. He hurt you and sometimes the hurt is too deep to move forward together. You’ve tried but what he did caused too much damage to the relationship and it’s taken you a while to fully appreciate that (and that’s okay). Initially it was his fault and now it’s your decision to move forward (like he wants you to) but you’ve realised that the only way to do that is without him. Stop being somewhere that doesn’t make you happy.

@Isheabastard wow that was a really helpful exercise to perform. I will be honest in saying there are things I say to him that he'd NEVER say to me (eg: I think we should split up) but those are really results of what's happened. Certainly if I'd had an affair I would NEVER behave the way he does or say the things he does.

I think he is a deeply messed up person. I think there's a kind of selfishness that despite loving me he can't control. I think it comes from childhood abuse. I think he learned to take care of whatever his needs were and screw everyone else. I think he learned to defend himself first. I do think he deeply loves me, and hates seeing me in pain - but I don't think he can stop being like that.

I think that's why he cheated (we were actually long distance at the time for work) and I think that's why he's been incapable on any level of putting his guilt and shame aside to deal with me. I think that's also why he doesn't keep commitments. He's always trying to keep himself "safe" from others, and so he lets me down to enable that.

I don't think he could be in a healthy / normal relationship (even without an affair) unless he gets past that. He wants me to provide him with safety, security, love and support but he's made me feel like he's not safe for me and like I can't count on him to follow through with major things. I really don't think he understands that at all.

I was stuck in a loop for three years, I know that. I felt like I was going insane the entire time. I feel calmer now. Just very sad.

He is in a real state today. Really losing it. He wanted to come and see me and I said "no" which was quite hard. Amazingly, I don't think he realised this is where we were headed. Despite me saying literally over a thousand times for years that if I ended up getting my own place because he continued to dick me around that we were done for good.

I think somehow he thought, like every other time, that I would set boundaries and then cave in. He was texting he had chest pains and he was having a heart attack. He does genuinely get so stressed his heart goes like a racehorse and he gets anxiety attacks and all sorts of physical ailments.

I feel really sad about that. But I didn't do what I have always done and run to him. I feel like he needs (and I need) to live with the consequences once and for all.

I also realised today that really ever since his affair very little has been done for me to process it. I was thinking today of the times he must have made a choice to turn his phone on silent when I was messaging. To think of the choices he made which he probably knew meant either losing me or damaging me as much as he has.

I really never made him live the consequences of that. Sure, I gave him hell and I cried for months and it was awful - but I was still there. I still loved him, looked after him, and often put him and his needs first. That's how I am generally, it's my personality, but it makes me sad that he let me.