Think my husband is gay but don’t know how to leave him.

[WhatIsLife24]

Sorry in advance for the long post
I’ve been married for a year and a half now however a year ago I found out that my husband has been contacting multiple women on social media and dating sites. He deleted everything before I could see whether he’s physically cheated or not. I tried forgive and move past it as I was pregnant at the time and we already have a baby. I also have another child from a previous relationship.
anyway we moved away and bought a house together to start again but I became suspicious he was up to something. Now found that he’s been texting a transgender escort (messages deleted but I found a booking on adultwork.com for a Sunday when he claimed to have to go into work for a couple of hours)
he also has a profile on Grindr and fabguys- fabguys he has been verified by 1 meet and 1 cam. also now deleted. He is denying everything, made excuses/reasons for everything I’ve found, insists he doesn’t like men. I’m not stupid, I know what I know but I’m struggling with the constant lies and not understanding why there was the need to chat to women also if he’s gay?!
I know I need to leave but he turns nasty whenever it comes up. Right now I’m financially dependent on him since having a baby, I’m in an area I don’t know anyone. And he’s made it clear he will make life difficult if I stay with friends which was my only option. He’s also stated he won’t leave or sell the house if we’re not together. I believe the courts could force this, but legally he will be entitled to half the deposit money which was gifted my my parents which he said he’ll take. I just don’t know what to do. My maternity pay is ending soon- I can’t return to work now I’ve moved unless I move back but I have nowhere to live. So I now can’t even save to get out. I feel my only option is to stay until I get another job but money would go on childcare anyway as I’d need pay for 2 nursery places.
i feel he’s also a complete narcissist and has turned all his friends and family against me. So now him mum won’t even help/support me. He’s very manipulative but everyone thinks he’s bloody amazing!
Struggling to see a way out. I also didn’t want to be that stigma of a single mum with kids from 2 different fathers

Get advice from a solicitor, it’s not a long marriage.
would your parents help you ?

I have no money for a solicitor. Do you get free advice? I haven’t got ‘typical’ parents. I’ve briefly told them and they suggested staying in the house and working around him for now as it’s not a good time to sell! And queried how I’d be able to rent currently which is also a waste of money!

Firstly, it doesn’t matter what he says - it’s what the law says that counts. You will be entitled to child support from him and your other child’s father. Your marriage is very short and you have the children so you may be entitled to more than 50:50. I’m guessing part of his panic is that he doesn’t want people to find out what he’s been up to. Make sure you have screenshots or photos of everything, and don’t let him badmouth you. Tell your friends and family why you are leaving. You need to get back to work as a priority. And yes, your husband is gay.

Gay, bi or straight, the main issue here is that he's a twat. He's not a loving life partner to you. He's not capable of being what you and your children need and deserve right now.

You should be able to get a free consultation from a solicitor. I've not done it myself so I don't know how far it gets you, but it certainly can't hurt. Get one booked in. The outlook is definitely better than the picture he's painted. Don't listen to his nonsense and idle threats.

I have told my friends and family. Friends have good advice but he’s sent messages threatening them so they know the difficult position I’m in. He’s become very controlling and won’t let me have people round unless he’s home. I can go out- it’s just the distance as we’re a 2 hour drive away from everyone now.
I have screenshot what I can but as he states that doesn’t evidence anything. Hasn’t got his real name, photo etc on anything. He goes to court for a living so tries to use his knowledge against me

Ok, this stuff about him not letting you have people round is appalling and scary. Can you call Women's Aid? It's not just for victims of physical abuse, they can advise on situations like this too.

And as for him going to court for his job - it means nothing. Unless he's a divorce lawyer or judge, it's irrelevant. He's just trying to scare you.

Take courage

Also, the screenshots of his online activities... I assume they are useful to have up your sleeve as leverage in terms of showing family and friends, in which case I'm sure they won't disbelieve you. In terms of court, if that's what he's getting at, then I wouldn't worry as the grounds for divorce shouldn't affect the settlement you get, and custody arrangements. Whether he's been shagging strangers every night of the week, or whether you were simply two people who amicably grew apart (ha), the legal process is just going to look at what's fair for the children and family. So the fact that you can't "prove" it's him in the screenshots does not disadvantage you at all.

First things first OP. Call Womens Aid for support and advice on how to leave him safely. Also you could contact Citizens Advice to get financial advice. He sounds extremely controlling and threatening your friends proves he is not the good guy others think. As pps have advised, gather all the evidence you can find, screenshot and get copies of everything you can.

If he has threatened your friends over text, WhatsApp, Social Media, ask them to screenshot and send to you as evidence of his behaviour. Knowing the position you're in, have any of your friends offered a place to stay for you and your children? If so, perhaps take that offer whilst you get your head together, contact Womens Aid and a Solicitor. Appreciate it isn't ideal, but it's better than what you're dealing with right now and you have to prioritise your children over this guy. He sounds like he's bisexual and he's getting threatening because he's possibly ashamed of it and doesn't want it to come out to his family, friends and work colleagues.

Thanks for all the replies. I have got as much ‘evidence’ as I can. I don’t think it amounts to much on the adultery front however so I’m not sure of the purpose of it really. But hadn’t thought of evidence of threats so I’ll do that (what he’s sent friends) everything to me has been verbal. My friends did initially offer me to come stay with them but he spoke about making it so they would end leaving their own house if I tried that. I believe that’s true, he knows a lot of dodgy people from his past.
I just want to get back home and rebuild my life. You’ve given me some steps to do that. It’s just hard with no money and little time with 3 kids under 4 and no support here. If it was just me I’d be off in a shot as I wouldn’t be bothered about where I ended up living but I need it to be ok for my kids

But yes definitely ashamed. He’s always portrayed himself to be very homophobic and he does come from a culture where it’s not ok to be gay. So I can appreciate the struggles he has but I don’t see why me and the kids had to be brought into this. And he doesn’t have enough respect for me to just be honest

You don't need to worry about proving adultery. The law has changed and you can simply go for a no-fault divorce (this has no bearing on your settlement and custody, it just means you don't need to waste time and energy proving his infidelity):

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/blame-game-ends-as-no-fault-divorce-comes-into-force

This sounds extremely stressful and I can't wait for you to be rid of this man. Life should never be this hard. I hope you get all the help, advice and support you can, from all the agencies and professionals suggested on this thread as well as emotional support from your friends and family.

He knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on, and that's why he's making such a scene and talking rubbish.

Can't you go stay at your parents op?

Thank you. It is extremely stressful. I’m an emotional wreck to be honest but trying put a brave face on for the children. Sometimes don’t feel like I have the energy to do anything about it.
No my parents haven’t offered- they don’t go deal with having little children living with them again. I might at least see if they can help with a deposit to rent somewhere though at least.
Another random question- he’s been caught speeding a few times in my car which I didn’t know about until it’s at the point where I now have to go to court- they’re suggesting a driving ban. Obviously I will attend and say it was him driving but if he denies this, is there a way of proving that?! I just think he’s going to be a complete arse about everything. (Currently he thinks we’re trying to work on things)

‘Don’t want to deal’

Get out, move in with a friend or family temporarily.
Apply for benefits
Ring women's aid, ask about housing.
Find a solicitor that will give you a free half hour to see what your rights are.
Not only is he threatening you and your friends, making your life miserable but there's also the risk to your sexual health if he's having sex with other people, male or female.

You are being abused. It doesn’t matter why you want to end it.

I would put £50 on him being a police officer. I agree -you need to contact Woman’s Aid, and you need to make sure you are safe - is your phone safe? Does he access it? Would he be likely to read this thread?

Close, he’s a probation officer. He can get to my phone. That’s why he sent messages to my friends as he saw texts between us. I now delete everything before he gets home

He sounds abusive, you may be entitled to legal aid for solicitor fees. have a look into it.

In response to your question about the speeding, I think if you receive a speeding fine and you know you weren't driving, you need to make contact with the issuer straight away and tell them who was actually driving. Not particularly helpful I know, but does this mean he opens your letters, or was expecting the letter so intercepted it?

I have no idea, just know I haven’t received any letters until the court summons. Admittedly I replied late to that as it was when I found out about all this cheating stuff and now I’ve had another letter with a proposed driving ban unless I request a hearing which I’ve done.
But it was definitely him driving

My parents just came up (pre planned) but he turned up just after they did. Now I don’t know if he has the house rigged or what! So I couldn’t speak to them as he wouldn’t leave me alone with them at all. He went back to work as soon as they left. This is madness!

Others have said to get legal advice.

I came to say that I'm so sorry this is happening to you and that support is available through Straight Partners Anonymous.

There are enough other reasons to leave him, but the gay factor is another layer of hurt and confusion that only those of us who have experienced it can really understand.

Go to the police. And your friends should to. He threatened them, it's a crime. And he is abusing you too.

Secondly, make sure your important documents are somewhere safe. Maybe post your passport and the kids passports to your parents.

Thirdly, you do not need his permission to leave.

If he's gone now, get packed and go.

But seriously, go to the police as soon as possible about what's going on. Even if its just to get it on record for the future incase he causes problems when you are out

It's going to be hard. But what's the alternative? Living with this psychopath forever? Raising your kids seeing you being abused and thinking it's normal? Do you want similar relationships for them in future?

Probation officer? Lol. So what? You're not on probation. You aren't his parollee.

But right now he is trying to be your jailer. But he doesn't get to be if you say no. By leaving. Now.
And never go back.