Think my husband is gay but don’t know how to leave him.

[WhatIsLife24]

Sorry in advance for the long post
I’ve been married for a year and a half now however a year ago I found out that my husband has been contacting multiple women on social media and dating sites. He deleted everything before I could see whether he’s physically cheated or not. I tried forgive and move past it as I was pregnant at the time and we already have a baby. I also have another child from a previous relationship.
anyway we moved away and bought a house together to start again but I became suspicious he was up to something. Now found that he’s been texting a transgender escort (messages deleted but I found a booking on adultwork.com for a Sunday when he claimed to have to go into work for a couple of hours)
he also has a profile on Grindr and fabguys- fabguys he has been verified by 1 meet and 1 cam. also now deleted. He is denying everything, made excuses/reasons for everything I’ve found, insists he doesn’t like men. I’m not stupid, I know what I know but I’m struggling with the constant lies and not understanding why there was the need to chat to women also if he’s gay?!
I know I need to leave but he turns nasty whenever it comes up. Right now I’m financially dependent on him since having a baby, I’m in an area I don’t know anyone. And he’s made it clear he will make life difficult if I stay with friends which was my only option. He’s also stated he won’t leave or sell the house if we’re not together. I believe the courts could force this, but legally he will be entitled to half the deposit money which was gifted my my parents which he said he’ll take. I just don’t know what to do. My maternity pay is ending soon- I can’t return to work now I’ve moved unless I move back but I have nowhere to live. So I now can’t even save to get out. I feel my only option is to stay until I get another job but money would go on childcare anyway as I’d need pay for 2 nursery places.
i feel he’s also a complete narcissist and has turned all his friends and family against me. So now him mum won’t even help/support me. He’s very manipulative but everyone thinks he’s bloody amazing!
Struggling to see a way out. I also didn’t want to be that stigma of a single mum with kids from 2 different fathers

Can you prove it was him driving? Do you have any messages or anything that say specifically he will have the car that day? Do you have train/bus tickets that would show you weren't in possession of the car at the time? You may struggle to prove your point if not. They may take sympathy on you if you explain you were going through a very emotional time. It should really be him admitting that he is at fault and be the one attending court and paying fines. Does he not have his own car or accept any responsibility for this? It maybe another way of him trying to control you and shows he is quite willing for you to go through a potentially horrendous and stressful ordeal for something he's done. I'd remove him from the insurance if you get to keep your vehicle. They may adjourn the case if there is the possibility of ANPR camera footage that shows he is driving but I can't say I've had experience with this and don't know the processes. At least you have completed the relevant forms now and you've raised a dispute.

Is he trying to take away your freedom to drive by getting the driving ban, and so you would have less freedom. This needs to be discussed with a solicitor along with the other threats and abusive behaviour. Please get out before he kills you.

Can you take the kids out somewhere while he's at work (in case he has hidden cameras etc) and then call women's aid while you're out? It sounds like he's bisexual but whatever his sexuality he's cheating on you, controlling you and abusing you.

I’m not sure I can prove I wasn’t driving, I’ll check. I was hoping they would have some sort of system to verify that like cameras or something. He didn’t have his own car at the time no. He does now although he still uses mine. I’m wondering if that’s part of control as that makes it harder to leave. I could use his car as I’m on the insurance but it’s a finance car in his name. I’ve tried convince him go to work in his car but no joy.
Hadn’t thought of posting passports.

But yes I can get out when he’s at work

I know I could just pack up the car (although his car is a lot smaller so wouldn’t fit much in with 3 kids) and go when he’s at work. But I feel I need to have a plan first as I have nowhere to go.

You need to get some legal representation at the court hearing. The fact he is threatening and trying to make you, in effect, a prisoner in your home needs to be brought up and you need to take steps to establish this before the court hearing. Please contact Women's Aid and get the hell out of the house while he is out. Don't take his car - he'll accuse you of stealing it. Get a taxi or a friend to help you move out while he isn't around

I think Silvers11 raises very valid points here. Don't take anything that doesn't belong to you or he'll accuse you of stealing and use this as a way to get the kids off you. He may not want that, but think he will do anything he can to upset you, cause you aggrevation or get you back in the house. You need to start thinking about a plan.
Pack up essentials only including important documents,.passports, bank info/cards, clothes, fav toys etc. The material things can be replaced over time.
Find a place to stay for you and your kids. Friends and family will help when they know your situation. They wouldn't want you suffering in tns situation you're in or speak to a women's refuge or housing association/Council. Don't tell him or anyone else you don't 100% trust what your plans are or where you are once you get out.
Turn off anything related to social media or anything that could help him track where you are and don't tell him you're leaving. Gradually and secretly pack the important stuff up so you're ready to just leave when he goes to work.

I know mine and the kids safety is the most important thing but I really begrudge having to leave my car and things. The rest you’re right, it’s easily replaceable in time.
If I leave and don’t tell him- he won’t stop even if it’s just to see the kids. Is that right for me to do that? I know he’s an absolute twat and abuser but somehow I still feel he is a good dad and the kids absolutely love him regardless of how I feel.
I’m going to contact women’s aid tomorrow.

The thing is, he can't be a good dad if he abuses his childrens mother. Those things don't gell.

Why can't you take your car? Does he never leave without ìt?

I'm sure he will kick up an almighty fuss. That why it's imperative that you go to the police and report his coercive control and abuse. Get it on record.

His sort depend on making you feel like you're all alone and no one will believe you. He just wants you to feel isolated. But the police deal with his type all the time, they will believe you.

Hopefully women's aid will have good advice on next steps.

I think we'd all begrudge having to leave all.of our possessions but it is the simplest and easiest thing to do. Alternatively, once you have arrangements in place about where you're going and when, hire a man with a van or ask friends to help you move out, taking as much of your own stuff as you can. Don't take anything that belongs to him or that you bought as a couple. Those things can be sorted another time. The car is yours to take but you have his speeding ticket issues to deal with before you even know whether you'll be able to use it so better to plan thinking you won't have use of it. If you do take the car, turn off any location trackers that might connect to a phone or computer and check under wheel arches etc if you're concerned he may have placed a tracker on it.

Tomorrow, away from the house, I would call the women's refuge, council etc re housing, speak to the Police so everything is logged and seek some legal advice regarding leaving with the children. There are solicitors who give an hours free consultation or you could contact citizens advice bureau. You'll then be well informed.

He has every right to have access to his children. He's their father and will be a part of yours and their lives regardless of the split. He will also have to pay child support. If you do leave with the kids without telling him (after seeking legal advice that this is something you can do), leave a note outlining the reasons you've left and that your solicitor will be in touch regarding visitation. He will likely call you anyway. If you meet up with him so he can see the kids, make sure it's on neutral.ground and not at his, yours, a friends or relatives. Make it somewhere public.

The kids,are under four
They do not know if he is a great guy or not
Hint, he is not
You need to leave

Are you down south West way at all? Wondering if I can help somehow? X

He takes my car to work everyday. So taking it isn’t an option unless I leave when he’s home. I would go at night but he is now sleeping on the sofa despite us having spare rooms/bed. And I still don’t have anywhere to go so I can’t just up and leave. Hopefully women’s aid will be able to help as I don’t see me being able to find anywhere to rent in my circumstances. Council housing won’t help as technically I own a house.
I never thought about getting legal advice before taking the children. So it may need to be more planned then.
Thank you Babycakes39 but no I’m in South Yorkshire

I'd be tempted to let one of your tyres down so he has to take his own car to work.

So much of your post is triggering for me op, down to turning up when visitors arrive and threatening friends. Start writing all this down and make an exit plan. Yours is a short marriage so you might be surprised about the house deposit.

The tyre idea is a good plan actually!! If I could get it sorted before he came back home to leave in it anyway. That could be my way out once I have a plan.
He has an older child and said that when they broke up the mum left with his son and disappeared for 6 months before he tracked her down. He put it down to her being a psycho and his family all say she’s a bitch etc. But I now wonder if this was why! Don’t know how I didn’t see the red flags. He said he sent people round to her families house to ‘rough them up’, had someone outside his sons nursery for 6 months etc (she stopped sending him though) and yet I still didn’t think anything like abuse, just didn’t agree with her taking his child as they have got on ok since I’ve known him. I’m such an idiot!
But I do worry what will happen to people I know if I just leave as I don’t think he’ll just accept it

1. put a lock on your phone so he can’t get into it.
2. alter the setting so any message doesn’t show on the locked screen. It’ll just say eg Susan text.
3. Speak to Women’s Aid
4. speak to police. Say you want a report logged that you’ve been threatened, friends threatened and he wants you to lie about driving offences. ( Unless of course he’s stepped up and said he’ll go to Court as he was speeding)
5. Dont delete anything. Screenshot messages and store in the cloud or on Google photos.

A pp was correct I think, he’s terrified of his actions getting out into public knowledge but a threatening man can be a dangerous man so plan to leave asap any way you can.

It is possible that if you report him to the police, he will be told to stay away from you. Especially if charges are pending. So perhaps if you don't want to leave the home...

Tbh though, I think its best to get out, pursue a divorce and the house will be sold. Probably best to just start somewhere new. Perhaps you can get into a womens shelter for a while.

Can't your parents take you in though? Even if it means you all need to sleep in their living room for a year. Whatever it takes to get away from him.

But reporting him is crucial. Mention to the police what he said about his treatment of his ex. I wonder if she ever reported him. Somebody needs to. ASAP. His sort thrive in the shadows.

You can set up an arrangement for him seeing the kids. But as pps said, only ever meet for pick ups and drop offs in public. And tbh in your situation I'd ask a friend or family member to do it.

Don’t get obsessed with evidence you don’t need it to leave or divorce

As a probation officer he has far more to lose than having the police on his back.
hopefully your friends have kept the messages and can alert the police once you have left.

re tyres, good plan. You can easily buy a battery tyre operated inflator to do it yourself.

So I contacted women’s aid today who gave me the number for a local domestic abuse service (rise) and numbers for free legal advice. I tried to contact rise but couldn’t get through so I’ve had to email. Haven’t got around to legal advice yet, life’s pretty busy with 2 babies and a 4 year old!
But my mum got in touch and has kind of come up with a plan- she must now understand how bad it is after yesterday. So him coming home did himself no favours! She has said I can come and stay for a few days but she doesn’t want me to be there for that long if I can’t get a house- charming!! (Don’t think she can handle the noise) So she said I could temporarily stay at my grandmas house which is in another completely different area until I find somewhere to live. And use her address for him to pick up the kids (although my grandmas is an hour and a half away)
Do you think this sounds like a good plan? If so I just need to figure out a plan for the car. With the tyres I feel he could just decide to work from home that day whilst he sorts it out.

Also I know I have to let him see the children but I’m scared to death tbh that he won’t bring them back!

I’m also in 2 minds about the police…… will it affect his job? I just think he’ll be even worse if so as he really will have nothing to lose then. Based on what he’s told me about his past, he has calmed down a lot because of his job!

His job is not your responsibility
Get out get safe
Dc will be fine not seeing him filor a,few weejs
If he kicks off report

If you report him then you've good reason to keep the kids away 'whilst the police conduct investigations'. I'd imagine you could then set contact arrangements through a solicitor. That way he has in writing when he is to collect and drop off the kids.

But do not do pick ups or drop offs at a home residence. Go to a coffee shop near your grans. By car obv. And make sure you aren't followed home.

His reason to behave himself needs to be the police threat. His job is a temporary plaster. At any point in his life he could lose it and go rogue. Hell, he'll go rogue anyway. You know this. His sort don't like being left.

So you need other measures in place. He needs to know you are not scared to report his behaviour. That you won't take any shit and that the police are in your corner.

You also should speak woth the National Stalking Helpline. As this man has told you he how he treated his ex. Putting someone outside the kids nursery to intimidate her for months (according to him anyway, I suspect its bullshit and he said it to scare you in a 'so know your place' way tbh, but who knows).

Can your parents come and get you if you can’t get away in the car? Grandma’s house sounds like a good solution. Good luck OP

Don't let him have the children. Make him go to court for contact. He sounds like the type to settle him into a school, make out he is the sane one and you're not. There are men who have done this, the women have been left with just contact because unless there is clear abuse of children on his part or drink or drug use they may not move back the children back to other parent.

Go to a refuge if you must and go legal on it all but I wouldn't let him pick the children up in case he doesn't return them. Police will not get involved on that side as it's private matter.

What threatening messages do you have?

it is highly likely given you have a child, paid the deposit and short marriage that you will get the entire house. Set up a separate new email and screenshot everything you can and see a solicitor on Monday.

File for divorce immediately - if he threatening you - record it in your phone of safe to do so and immediately dial 999 / he may score an own goal and if he is threatening or makes any sort of threat - phone 999 and say that you and your children are now safe and ask them to attend immediately.