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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think my husband is gay but don’t know how to leave him.

59 replies

WhatIsLife24 · 17/08/2023 08:19

Sorry in advance for the long post
I’ve been married for a year and a half now however a year ago I found out that my husband has been contacting multiple women on social media and dating sites. He deleted everything before I could see whether he’s physically cheated or not. I tried forgive and move past it as I was pregnant at the time and we already have a baby. I also have another child from a previous relationship.
anyway we moved away and bought a house together to start again but I became suspicious he was up to something. Now found that he’s been texting a transgender escort (messages deleted but I found a booking on adultwork.com for a Sunday when he claimed to have to go into work for a couple of hours)
he also has a profile on Grindr and fabguys- fabguys he has been verified by 1 meet and 1 cam. also now deleted. He is denying everything, made excuses/reasons for everything I’ve found, insists he doesn’t like men. I’m not stupid, I know what I know but I’m struggling with the constant lies and not understanding why there was the need to chat to women also if he’s gay?!
I know I need to leave but he turns nasty whenever it comes up. Right now I’m financially dependent on him since having a baby, I’m in an area I don’t know anyone. And he’s made it clear he will make life difficult if I stay with friends which was my only option. He’s also stated he won’t leave or sell the house if we’re not together. I believe the courts could force this, but legally he will be entitled to half the deposit money which was gifted my my parents which he said he’ll take. I just don’t know what to do. My maternity pay is ending soon- I can’t return to work now I’ve moved unless I move back but I have nowhere to live. So I now can’t even save to get out. I feel my only option is to stay until I get another job but money would go on childcare anyway as I’d need pay for 2 nursery places.
i feel he’s also a complete narcissist and has turned all his friends and family against me. So now him mum won’t even help/support me. He’s very manipulative but everyone thinks he’s bloody amazing!
Struggling to see a way out. I also didn’t want to be that stigma of a single mum with kids from 2 different fathers

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 19/08/2023 18:34

That’s the thing I don’t have any threatening messages. I don’t think he’s clever enough to do that over text. My friend suggested trying to bait him but he never replies. It’s always on the phone or face to face. I will try and record him next time but I never know when it’s coming. Right now he hasn’t spoken a word to me since Thursday. That’s just as unnerving as the abuse to be honest!
With my friends, again it was over the phone. They have a couple of text messages but I don’t know if they’re bad enough to be called threatening. He’s basically just telling them to stay away, they’re not welcome here etc.
I will definitely get legal advice next week and get prepared to go. My parents are on holiday next week though! But I’m sure my friend can pick me up if needed. I just won’t really be able to take much with me.
Hopefully I’ll think of a way to take the car as I feel a bit anxious at the thought of being in an area I don’t know with no car and where I know nobody (if going to my grandmas house who doesn’t live there btw as she’s in a care home) I’m thinking of driving to his work and swapping the cars over but I don’t know if it’s worth the risk as he parks right outside the office and he goes outside for a smoke. But surely he wouldn’t kick off outside work?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 19/08/2023 19:04

Just leave
If/when he kicks off call 999

Lillygolightly · 19/08/2023 19:10

Do you have more than 1 set of keys for your car? If so could you leave without it and then have a friend collect it from the home or his work?

Mimilamore · 19/08/2023 19:34

If he is a twat doesn't matter if he is gay... if you love him and don't mind do with it. Do what's best for the both of you x

Daniki · 19/08/2023 19:36

Mimilamore · 19/08/2023 19:34

If he is a twat doesn't matter if he is gay... if you love him and don't mind do with it. Do what's best for the both of you x

Did you read the post or just the heading 🙈

Original poster
WhatIsLife24 · 19/08/2023 20:39

Mimilamore · 19/08/2023 19:34

If he is a twat doesn't matter if he is gay... if you love him and don't mind do with it. Do what's best for the both of you x

Not sure what this means. But I very much mind that he’s a twat and also gay! Not that I have anything against gay people at all, I just don’t wish to be married to someone that’s gay.

But Lillygolightly yes I have another set of keys so that’s an option

OP posts:
ThisRubyLeader · 09/08/2024 09:11

WhatIsLife24 · 17/08/2023 08:19

Sorry in advance for the long post
I’ve been married for a year and a half now however a year ago I found out that my husband has been contacting multiple women on social media and dating sites. He deleted everything before I could see whether he’s physically cheated or not. I tried forgive and move past it as I was pregnant at the time and we already have a baby. I also have another child from a previous relationship.
anyway we moved away and bought a house together to start again but I became suspicious he was up to something. Now found that he’s been texting a transgender escort (messages deleted but I found a booking on adultwork.com for a Sunday when he claimed to have to go into work for a couple of hours)
he also has a profile on Grindr and fabguys- fabguys he has been verified by 1 meet and 1 cam. also now deleted. He is denying everything, made excuses/reasons for everything I’ve found, insists he doesn’t like men. I’m not stupid, I know what I know but I’m struggling with the constant lies and not understanding why there was the need to chat to women also if he’s gay?!
I know I need to leave but he turns nasty whenever it comes up. Right now I’m financially dependent on him since having a baby, I’m in an area I don’t know anyone. And he’s made it clear he will make life difficult if I stay with friends which was my only option. He’s also stated he won’t leave or sell the house if we’re not together. I believe the courts could force this, but legally he will be entitled to half the deposit money which was gifted my my parents which he said he’ll take. I just don’t know what to do. My maternity pay is ending soon- I can’t return to work now I’ve moved unless I move back but I have nowhere to live. So I now can’t even save to get out. I feel my only option is to stay until I get another job but money would go on childcare anyway as I’d need pay for 2 nursery places.
i feel he’s also a complete narcissist and has turned all his friends and family against me. So now him mum won’t even help/support me. He’s very manipulative but everyone thinks he’s bloody amazing!
Struggling to see a way out. I also didn’t want to be that stigma of a single mum with kids from 2 different fathers

Grindr Fabguys and fab swingers have gay and bi men looking for no ties sexual meetings. There are a high percentage of bi guys who are on there with their wives and gf/s unsuspecting. If your worried make a dummy profile on those sites without a photo pretending to be bi male etc and monitor the profiles around your location on line. As these profiles are geo location based you will or won’t see the fella on there.

you are not the only one who’s fella is batting for both sides as you’ll see when you create a free profile. Prob half of all straight guys are on there 🙈

Strawberriesandpimms · 09/08/2024 09:20

If your parents are away can you go to their house and housesit with the DC whilst you get your head round a plan?

AtTheTurnybus · 09/08/2024 09:35

This thread is from a year ago.

@WhatIsLife24 I do hope you're okay.

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